


Harmonies for the Haunted

by Marjorie_Franklin



Series: Broken Hearts and Maladies [2]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Dirge of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Drabble Collection, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, One Shot Collection, Post Advent Children, Post Dirge of Cerberus, Pre-Advent Children, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-17 13:12:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 129,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4667828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marjorie_Franklin/pseuds/Marjorie_Franklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why anyone still liked him after everything he'd put them through was beyond him. Perhaps they were used to him being broken. Perhaps by this point, it was simply a character trait. However, he wondered if Tifa would really forgive him this time. Cloud had pushed and pushed, and he knew that at some point, she would stop coming back. Surely, even Tifa Lockhart had her limits.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This is the somewhat sequel/continuation/follow up to Broken Hearts and Maladies. However, it is NOT required that you read that story before tackling this one. It is merely recommended since it follows the same rules, regulations, and format, only this story is told from Cloud's point of view instead of Tifa's. It will take place between Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children and ultimately, after Advent Children through Dirge of Cerberus.
> 
> This will essentially be a collection of chronological one-shots and/or drabbles where I interpret, enforce, imply, and promote Cloti in a canon setting. I'm not entirely sure where this will go or for how long but I'll add content as it occurs to me! Enjoy!

* * *

_Show me a hero, I'll write you a tragedy._

_-F. Scott Fitzgerald_

* * *

The day Cloud Strife realized he had Geostigma, all he could utter was: "Damn."

He should've known. He shouldn't have been surprised. If there were any kind of justice in the universe or on the Planet, he would get Geostigma. It was only fair. If _true_  justice existed, he would've been patient zero. All the same, getting Geostigma only reiterated that fact that he did indeed deserve it.

It had materialized on his arm, on his bicep near his shoulder. It was small now but it would spread.

It started as sharp pain. He thought he had pulled something or one of the monsters he encountered while on a delivery did something to him. He blew it off but now that it was here before his very eyes, he couldn't deny it.

All he did was reach for a towel after a shower. The action was far from strenuous but pain had shot through him, cutting through him like a hot knife and his hand instinctively went to the source. When he pulled his hand away, it was covered in black gook and he knew.

He had Geostigma.

It was misery and he felt even worse for Denzel than he already did. What Denzel had described didn't even  _begin_  to cover what having Geostigma was actually like. It was much worse than anyone had described or could put into words, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone…except for himself.

Cloud had to be careful. He and the Planet were the only ones who knew he had Geostigma and he had every intention of keeping it that way. However, living with three other people made this challenging.

Tifa wasn't stupid, far from it. She was arguably one of the smartest people he knew, which meant she could easily catch on at some point. Because of this, he treated himself while on jobs and tried to stay away more. He didn't want them to know…

Stripping his bed, Cloud hauled his dirty sheets down to the laundry room, but damn it all if Tifa wasn't there…

Laundry basket in hand, she peered over her shoulder and smiled at him. "Morning, Cloud. Need me to do some laundry for you? I'm already working on a load so I'll go ahead and do yours too."

"No. That's okay. I'll do it myself." Cloud could already sense a fight erupting from this. Tifa didn't like having her help turned away…and their relationship lately was nothing if not strained.

Tifa's eyes fell and she began tossing more of her and the kids' clothes into the washer. "I don't mind. Just leave them here and I'll—"

"Really. I can do it."

Tifa sighed and began folding the clean clothes she hauled out of the dryer. "I don't get what the big deal is. I've done your laundry before."

"You've got a lot going on. I don't want to—"

A bit harder than necessary, Tifa threw the rest of her clothes into the washer. "Fine, Cloud. You win. You can do your own laundry."

She finished her current task, tucked the now empty basket under her arm and stormed out.

He'd succeeded in making her angry.

Cloud sighed, carelessly threw his bedding to the floor, and leaned against the nearest wall, banging his head against the walling in frustration.

It seemed like all he did anymore was disappoint her or piss her off. She drifted further and further away and he had no one but himself to blame for that. Hell, sometimes he even thought that was what he wanted but the ache he felt in his chest now suggested otherwise.

It hurt, doing this to her. It hurt because he knew it hurt her and hurting her was something he  _never_  intentionally did, but at the same time, it was something that seemed to occur constantly regardless of intention.

This particular incident, however, seemed worse than it was. It seemed like he wanted to do his own laundry to spite her, but that wasn't it at all. He just didn't want her to see the dark stains on his sheets. She'd know what the black stains spurred from. She cleaned Denzel enough to know that the black ooze came from the sores Geostigma created. If she saw it, she'd know he had Geostigma and he didn't want to worry her. She had enough to deal with and he didn't want her to know, not yet if ever…

* * *

Everyone thought he was making some kind of fashion statement by wearing only one sleeve. They were wrong. He had one sleeve because he had Geostigma on one arm. He used it to hide, to deceive. It was wrong but he would just add it to the seemingly endless list of all the things he'd done wrong.

Today was going to be a rough day. He could feel it in is diseased bones. He had a fever and he was sore. He double wrapped his stigma to be safe. He couldn't be leaking while on the job and judging by how he felt, he would be oozing a lot.

There was cluttering and shuffling around in the empty bar, which meant Tifa was awake.

Rounding the corner, he saw his assumptions were correct. She was pulling bottles and glasses down from the shelves, doing some kind of inventory. She was either sorting out the old from the new or something to that effect.

Tifa was standing on a stool trying to reach the highest shelf and failing miserably. Her fingertips would brush the dark green bottle she wanted but no mater how high on her toes she got, she couldn't wrap her fingers around it.

Cloud could hear her cursing under her breath and grumbling to herself. She was a few good shifts on that stool from falling.

Subconsciously, Cloud crossed the bar and placed his hands on her waist to steady her.

Tifa let out a yelp and her muscles tensed uncomfortably beneath his touch.

"Careful," he chided halfheartedly as he secured his hands around her waist despite her body's objections.

She glanced over her shoulder at him momentarily. She looked surprised either to see him or to see him helping her. He wasn't sure which. Maybe both?

"I got it," Tifa objected and proceeded to try to grab the illusive bottle of alcohol herself.

Tifa was all about teamwork and working together but apparently, she was still too mad at him over the laundry incident. Or worse… Maybe she was just used to doing things on her own now. Maybe she didn't want his help because she felt she didn't need or want it anymore. Given his absence, it made sense. He was staying away more than he cared to admit.

Resolving to attempt to make this better, he held fast and helped her. He even lifted her a bit so she could reach. She stopped resisting and her muscles relaxed against his hands. Tifa was no longer ridged against his touch; she welcomed it instead. However, he couldn't bask in the victory. Lifting her (although she didn't weigh much) sent a shot of pain through his arm, his bad arm.

Cloud winced and his hand shot to his Geostigma. Everything blurred and lost focus. His hearing muddled and he couldn't feel anything but the sharp, seething pain.

"Cloud?" Tifa's voice rang clear, shoving the haze away as it always did.

For a moment, he felt like he was back in Sector 7 at the train station, lost, mumbling to himself, confused out of his mind…until he saw her, heard her,  _felt_ her.

Blinking a few times he could focus again but not on much. He honed in on the sound of her voice, on her face, her soft features. Tifa was close. He could tether himself to her and everything else would come back into focus. It would all fall back into place if he could grasp her. He knew that for a fact. After all, he'd done something similar another lifetime ago. No wonder it was instinctive now.

"Cloud, are you all right?"

Her hands were on him. He could feel them. He felt something other than the pain and he panicked shortly after. She'd reach for his head and if she did that, she'd feel his scorching fever, and if she felt his fever…

"I'm fine." Cloud tried his damnedest not to slur.

"Did you hurt your arm?"

"Yeah. A monster got a hold of me the other day. No big deal. It's just taking a while to heal up," he lied and he knew he lied, but what choice did he have?

"It might be infected. Here, let me see." Tifa reached out for him and he flinched away as if she were coming at him with a scalding, hot poker.

"It's fine."

Tifa held her hands up in mock surrender. "Alright. I won't look, Mr. Touchy, but promise me you'll treat it and make sure it isn't infected. We can't have you getting sick too."

"I promise." His promise was empty. It was too late. He was already sick.

Tifa smiled, pacified and vanished further into the bar.

' _You know you should just tell her the truth. Tifa is a lot of things but stupid isn't one of them.'_

Cloud grimaced at the familiar voice and turned to see Zack sitting at the bar passively as if he were a normal, living, breathing patron waiting on a drink.

' _She'll understand and she will be a lot less angry if you tell her yourself. She'll find out anyway.'_

"I can't…" he whispered.

' _Why not?'_

"She has enough to worry about without me telling her I've gotten Geostigma. I can't bring myself to throw that at her too. If I can take a little of her worry away, if I can give her one less thing to worry about then, I will."

' _Suit yourself.'_ The apparition shrugged. ' _But if I were you, I'd tell her.'_

Cloud closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them again, Zack was gone as if he'd never been there at all and Tifa was back, asking him about his routes for the day.

The fever was getting worse. He'd officially begun hallucinating.

* * *

Cloud Strife lived in what could only be described as a perpetual fog and haze. He'd zone out, come to, and not know what he was doing or how he got there. He had conversations he didn't remember and pieces of his memory (more than normal) were gone. It was like he'd skipped forward or lagged behind and missed things. Then, suddenly, they would be there and he wouldn't know how.

Autopilot. He worked on autopilot. Maybe he should ask Cid about the dangers of autopilot or if he had any suggestions for how to stop running on autopilot. Maybe Cid could help.

Damn. He was delirious again, musing about Cid and airships… No ghosts yet though…

"What then?" Denzel asked, looking up at him expectantly.

Cloud's brow furrowed with confusion. Had he been telling a story or something? He couldn't remember. He'd zoned out at some point and now that he was back, he wasn't sure what'd he'd done while he was gone. Apparently, he'd begun spinning some manly yarn…

_Why in the hell would I do that?_

His maps were everywhere and Marlene and Denzel were at the table in the center of the bar with him. They were acting as his assistants, which suggested he'd started mapping out his routes for the next day. It wouldn't do him any good now, given he didn't recall making these routes.

_Great. Now I'll have to stay up even later to go through what I already did…_

"I…" he finally regained the power of speech but he didn't know what'd he'd been talking about prior. Desperate, he gazed across the bar at Tifa and asked for help. Oh, how he hoped he'd been telling a story she'd been a part of.

Understanding as always, Tifa jumped in and saved him. She finished the story for him and he couldn't have been more relieved. He'd thank her for saving him once the kids went to bed.

Denzel looked skeptical and cast his gaze back to him. "Is that really what happened?"

"Yeah," Cloud replied and it was true. In fact, Tifa remembered more than he did once he realized which story he'd been telling. Tifa was better at telling stories than he was. She was better at speaking period. However, for some reason, Denzel (and sometimes, even Marlene) preferred to hear things from him. They found him more credible, something that he thought was ill advised.

He didn't need to be telling these stories at all. No one needed to sing his praises. He didn't deserve it. He needed to be blighted, cursed, and damned for what he'd done and even what he didn't do. It got harder and harder to tell these stories as his guilt and regret mounted. Thus, he told them less and less and when he did get coerced into telling one, he kept it brief and as to the point as possible. He didn't add anything or exaggerate or try to make himself sound better than he was. He tried to keep the story to its bare bones, nothing flashy, nothing over the top. If anything, he toned it down to make it sound less impressive but the kids would always look at him with awe and wonderment regardless and it always made his stomach sink.

" _Where do you go?"_

Cloud looked up, following the voice and expecting to see a ghost, one of the many that haunted him lately. He looked for  _her_ or maybe even his mother but found Tifa looking down at him instead, concern carved into her soft features.

"Huh?" he choked out, his voice rough from lack of use.

"When you zone out like that, where do you go?" Tifa brushed his hair away from his face so she could corner his gaze.

Cloud shrugged. "Honestly, I don't even know."

* * *

Easing back into the bar after a long day of deliveries, he could see that Tifa had fallen asleep waiting on him to come home. Again. He wished she wouldn't do that. The chair she slept in couldn't be comfortable and he knew she wasn't sleeping properly in it yet she continued to do it.

Quietly, he made his way across the bar and lifted her up into his arms as gently as he could. She shifted accordingly and conformed to him instantly. Tifa buried her face in his chest and grabbed fistfuls of his shirt.

His mouth twitched at the sight. Small things like that did his wounded heart good…

Holding her bridal style, he journeyed up the stairs to her room. The same path he took almost every night he came home late. It was their routine. Tifa would sleep in her chair and wait for him until he came home. Sometimes she was awake and sometimes she was asleep. If she were asleep, he'd always scoop her up and take her back to bed where she belonged.

A part of him hated that she waited for him like that but the more selfish part of him loved it. He knew deep down if he were to ever come home to find her not there waiting for him, it would devastate him. He feared it and welcomed it at the same time. He didn't want her to make herself miserable but at the same time he liked the assurance that she still cared enough about him to wait for him.

Cloud pulled the covers back with one hand and slipped Tifa into the feathery expanse. He pulled the covers up over her and brushed her hair off her face. He was tempted to get in with her.

She was pretty when she slept. She was always pretty but this was a different kind of beauty. It was peaceful and serene. Worry didn't mar her features. It was similar to the way the kids slept. He envied that kind of sleep. He couldn't even find peace in his sleep anymore. Tifa had trouble sleeping too. He knew because they'd often found each other awake, dodging sleep and the nightmares that accompanied it. He couldn't count the number of times they stayed up, talking about nothing until dawn. They'd found that insomnia wasn't as unpleasant if they didn't have to go through it alone. But she could still find peace in the arms of sleep occasionally.

He found himself sitting beside her, watching her. She was clad in nothing but a white tank top that almost covered her navel and some tight, black shorts. Her dark hair was sprayed everywhere around her, a beautiful contrast to the white pillows beneath her.

Sometimes, he still felt like that boy from Nibelheim. He couldn't understand how he could be this close to her but still feel so far… He was still on the outside looking in, because he was still afraid to go inside…but now, he was afraid for completely different reasons.

Shaking his head, he pushed the thought away. He wouldn't let those emotions ribbon out and consume him. Not now.

His eyes suddenly felt heavy and so did his bones. He was tired and achy and lacked the strength and motivation to go back to his bed so he lied down next to her. He didn't hold her like he used to occasionally in the past. He didn't get under the covers or really get that comfortable but being close to her, smelling her in the sheets, knowing she was a few feet from him was nice. It was nice knowing that he could hold her if he wanted to… Being around her seemed to be good for his mood, his health… Besides he knew she wouldn't mind. He'd close his eyes…indulge in the smell of sweet heather and fresh gardenias…just of a minute…then go back to his room….

* * *

He didn't ever make it back to his room. When he came to again, he was still in Tifa's bed and orange dawn was starting to stain the sky. It poured into her room through the window, bringing in a soft, golden warmth that attempted to blanket them both in another layer of covering.

It was the first time he'd slept through the night in months.

Cloud tensed and looked over to see Tifa still asleep next to him. Her mouth parted as she drew in small breaths.

A part of him loved watching her sleep and another part of him hated it. Sleep looked a bit too much like death to him sometimes. It was instinctive to panic and think, 'what if she doesn't wake up?' He was so accustomed to death it was instinctive to think such things. Not to mention he remembered Tifa's coma. That was one of the longest weeks of his life, waiting to see if she'd wake up, hearing everyone say she wouldn't make it, hearing everyone blame him…

' _Cloud, why would you do such a thing? You know how dangerous it is out there…'_ Mother had asked and Cloud offered nothing in return. He'd just held his head down and accepted the blame but inside, he was screaming. Everything…kind of spiraled out of control after that…and it would only get worse…

Deep sleep also reminded him of  _her,_ and the thought of  _her_ made that horrible, gnawing feeling resurface. It was always there, bubbling underneath the surface but sometimes it came to the forefront and it was more painful than  _anything_  the Geostigma could dish out.

Swallowing hard, he tried to swallow that negativity down, the feeling of weakness, the feeling of utter worthlessness, the sensation of unrivaled guilt…

He couldn't swallow it down. It swelled inside him and rose up in the back of his throat like bile…

Taking deep breaths, he tried to focus on Tifa, and seeing her even breathing put such thoughts to rest, it doused the fire that was eating him from the inside out, the downcast disease that spread through him with unrivaled vigor. It slept. It had been tamed; it was subdued, for now. He still felt it. He always felt it but it was calm now, bearable.

_Tifa is okay. Tifa is here._

His fingers ached to touch her and his body ached to hold her as close as humanly possible but his mind screamed for him to get out while he still could, so he did.

Staggering into the hallway, he made his way to the kids' room.

They were still asleep as well, which made him wonder how early it was. It was barely daybreak. He could probably go back to bed but he didn't really want to. He might dream if he slept and if he couldn't go back to sleep, he would end up thinking and thinking was a very dangerous thing. Thinking was bad for his health. That was why he kept himself busy, to keep himself from thinking and being drug down into that dark, seething place in his soul.

Before leaving their room, Cloud tucked Marlene back into her bed. She had a nasty habit of kicking her covers off in her sleep. He then moved to Denzel's side of the room and placed a hand on his head.

Denzel was warm. He had a fever but it was low grade. He'd tell Tifa to give him something to keep it down.

Cloud wiped the ooze on the boy's forehead away and changed his bandages before going back into the bar. He went to his table, picked up his maps and routes, left a note on the bar for Tifa, and headed out before his thoughts and the painful memories could catch up with him.

* * *

Honestly, Cloud couldn't remember much from…before. He still struggled with the mangled mesh some people dared call his mind. He could only describe it as being thrown into Shinra Manor with countless towers of boxes inside  _every_  damn room then having someone come in, eye the boxes with you, then shrug and say: ' _Eh, some of it's yours.'_

Memory would always be an enemy, a struggle but that struggle only caused him to treasure what he knew for a fact was his all the more. What he did remember, he remembered clearly, and as he road Fenrir though the dry, tawny wasteland outside Midgar, he could easily recall the first time he kissed Tifa Lockhart. He could never forget that no matter how many times he tried. It was one of the many memories he fought to keep even though it was from a time period that was supposedly safe within his ravaged mind. He still didn't want that memory to sink into his mutilated subconscious and vanish forever like so many of the others…

_They were still beneath the Highwind even though they'd stopped talking hours ago. She was sitting casually between his legs, her back leaning against his torso. She'd cemented herself there after silence settled upon them._

_They needed to sleep… They had a big battle ahead of them but-_

_She wasn't looking at him. Her legs were brought to her chest and she was drawing aimlessly in the dirt beneath them. It amazed him how she could make even the simplest of actions endearing. Tifa was beautiful and inviting no matter what she did._

_His forearm was resting on his raised knee and he'd selfishly placed the other on her shoulder, needing to touch her, needing her closer although he'd never been so close to another person before and not just physically. He and Tifa, they connected on a level that many people couldn't fathom, one that even he couldn't really fathom. It was strange and undefined but he felt it. Whatever it was, it was special, unique, catered to their own specific, unconventional circumstances but still special nonetheless. He knew that much._

_She felt his persistent gaze and she turned her head to meet it, leaving them a breath apart. Her face flushed, not anticipating him to be that close to her. Surely, she knew he was close but she didn't think that close. Surprisingly, he had no qualms with the close proximity. A long time ago, he'd wanted nothing more…_

_A hint of a smile tugged at his lips in spite of everything. There was so much more they needed to be worried about in that moment. He shouldn't have been able to even_ **think** _of smiling after everything…but he was because there was absolutely nothing else in the world at that moment but her. Every single one of his senses were filled with her and in that precious, demented moment, nothing else mattered. They were lost inside of each other. He'd honed in on her as if she were the very last thing on the Planet._

_Shyly, she laced her fingers together beneath her bent knees and watched him intently over her shoulder. She didn't look away. His eyes locked on hers and vice versa. His fingers curled on her shoulder and he brought her even closer. He leaned in and she met him halfway as if she were afraid he'd change his mind before his lips could meet hers._

_She had no reason to worry about that._

_There was a split second of hesitation. Their lips grazed and he could taste her breath. She flinched a bit as if she were shocked as he angled his head over, placing his mouth over hers but not kissing her, not yet._

_She shuttered and a shiver raced up his spine. Seconds later, his mouth melded to hers. His eyes closed and he felt nothing but pure, undiluted bliss. It felt good and good was something he hadn't felt in a really,_ **really** _long time._

_She was sweeter than any candy and headier than Corel alcohol._

_He shifted against her and deepened the kiss. He was greedy, needing that fleeting feeling of contentment. He knew it was fading and that if he pulled away, everything wrong around them would bash him over the head, leaving him anxious and empty._

_He wouldn't let that feeling leave, not until he sucked it dry, not until he licked up every single, solitary drop of flickering comfort and satisfaction he could find._

_Cloud resolved to take as much of this as he could because it would probably be his last chance. Sephiroth and Meteor would see to that…_

_He resolved to take all he could, so he did._

The memory stung. It burned down to his core and his eyes felt like they were being rubbed with sandpaper.

In hindsight, he knew now that it was the closest they would ever be to another human being and he began thinking of what he would give in order to recapture what they had that night… What he wouldn't give to be able to hold onto that pure, contented feeling. What he wouldn't give to have that closeness with her again, to regain that connection, that magic that sparked between them so effortlessly. But even if he did obtain it, he knew it would terrify him and he would throw it away to keep it from backfiring because he knew the better something felt, the worse it would feel when he finally, inevitably lost it.

The morning after that night together, she'd begged for a moment longer, just one more flickering moment and he'd humored her because he knew what she knew: that they would never get that day, that feeling, that moment back.

She'd been right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> I've said this before and I'll say it again, I don't think there are enough Cloti stories that cover the angst and complication of their relationship, especially considering how things were described in On the Way to a Smile: Tifa's Case and how things are portrayed in Advent Children. Neither of them are in a good place and it irks me to see stories/fics interpreting them as cheery and happy instantly after Advent Children. Eh, that's cute and all but I don't think life works that way. I try to be very realistic in my works and this one will be no different, so things will be pretty dark and angsty for a while before things get better. That said, things WILL get better! I don't plan on leaving this story on an ambiguous note like I did Broken Hearts and Maladies (at the moment, I may go back and make it a one shot collection too). I'm going all out with the Cloti interpretation here!
> 
> I'd also like to point out that I've probably tampered with the timeline of the canon series. Not a lot but a teeny, tiny bit. I think that Cloud getting Geostigma was effectively the last straw that caused him to leave his home with Tifa and the kids, and it will be in this story too but I'm drawing it out. He won't be leaving immediately after learning he has Geostigma. We are gonna watch him squirm a little bit first!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed part one!


	2. Part II

* * *

_There will always be something to ruin our lives,_

_It all depends on what or which finds us first._

_We are always ripe and ready to be taken._

_\- Charles Bukowski_

* * *

_It was early. The sun was warm and the small house was cozy, filled with the inviting smell of Mom's blueberry pancakes._

_They were fresh, ready to melt in his mouth._

_Mother's voice stirred his consciousness and caused him to wake. She was on the phone._

_Cloud slowly got out of bed and made his way into the small kitchen, not bothering to fix his messy hair or get out of his pajamas. He took a seat at the table and saw a vase of fresh, vibrant flowers in the center. His mother had likely picked them that morning. A small pitcher of syrup and a newspaper were on the table as well. A SOLDIER with detached eyes, a long sword, and even longer hair was on the front page._

" _How horrible… I know. It breaks my heart… Yes, of course. I'll send some food over. Yeah. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. Thanks. You too." Mother hung up the phone and sighed._

_Turning to return to her cooking, she saw him and a bright smile blossomed across her face._

_Mother was pretty and blonde with her lengthy hair always up in a high ponytail. Some of her pale hair hung down and framed her soft features and cerulean eyes. She was wearing an orange dress but she always wore an orange dress. Orange was her favorite color._

" _Good morning, sweetie." She crossed the space and kissed his forehead, patting his head as she did so. "Sleep well?"_

_With a small, barely visible smile, Cloud nodded and pulled the newspaper in front of him._

" _Is something wrong?" he asked as his mother put a plate of blueberry pancakes on top of the newspaper before he could give it a good look._

_Mother sighed again as she took a seat next to him. "The little Lockhart girl…"_

_Cloud swallowed his bite of pancake thickly._

" _Her mother has died," she added lowly._

_His eyes widened and he frowned. He couldn't imagine losing his mother… Poor Tifa…_

" _I'm going to send them some food. Would you mind taking it over for me?"_

" _Sure," he replied a bit too eagerly._

_Today would be the day. He would finally go into Tifa Lockhart's house. It had to be today. He had to let her know that he was there for her, that he cared… Then, maybe-_

_**FLASH** _

_This was a bad idea. He recognized that instantly but-_

_Cloud followed at a distance like always as the boys who had also followed her out here to the dreary, decaying wasteland of Mt. Nibel began falling back, dropping like flies with fear, but not him. He wasn't afraid. Okay… Maybe he was a little afraid but his concern snuffed out the fear. He would see this through. He wasn't about to leave Tifa out here all alone. He wanted to help her find her mom…_

_**FLASH** _

" _Tifa!"_

_She was clawing at the precipice, desperately trying to hold onto the uneven edge, her pretty blue dress being torn as she did so._

_He ran, leaping forward after her without giving it a second thought._

_He was slithering forward on his belly like a snake but he was too late._

_Cloud was reaching for her, holding his hand out for her._

_Tifa's big, brown eyes were shining with fear and a hint of confusion._

_She was surprised to see him but not disappointed…_

_"Cloud?"_

_For a long-suffering moment, their eyes locked and something he couldn't discern flickered between them._

_Panting, she apprehensively reached for his extended hand. Their fingertips almost grazed before she fell…_

**Helpless.**

**Pathetic.**

**Weak.**

_He was suddenly slipping now too. He'd leapt too far. He had no footing. In his desperation to reach her, he had lunged too far over the edge…_

_The crag was rough, steep, and jagged. He couldn't see the bottom for all the glowing billows of silvery-green fog…_

_He could hear her screams but he was helpless to do anything about them. He doubted he could save himself at this point._

_**FLASH** _

_Falling, falling, falling…and then, dark…_

_**FLASH** _

" _Cloud? Why'd you bring Tifa out to a place like this? What the hell's the matter with you!? What if she dies!?"_

_Tifa's father's tone was livid and laced with pain. His puffy, bloodshot eyes shook with ire._

_True to his character, Cloud said nothing. He merely sat there on the ground in a daze and massaged the mangled tissue of his bleeding, burning knees..._

_He could've told them that it was her idea. He could have said that she wanted to go because she wanted to see her mother. He could have but he didn't. He could have said that he followed because he was worried about her but couldn't find it in his heart to deny her anything she wanted. Besides, he didn't blame her. If it had been his mother, he'd want to go out and find her too. So, he let them blame him. After all, they were right to a fault. To an extent, this_ **was** _his fault. He should have saved her or at least tried to stop her but no. He was weak and helpless to stop Tifa from being hurt… He couldn't save her just like he couldn't save-_

_**FLASH** _

_Mako eyes; eyes that weren't like his, hiding behind a eerie veil of silver, shining with a malevolent blend of accomplishment, pride, malice, and amusement._

_The cry of sleek, fine metal carving its way out of a carcass…long, smooth, agonizingly slow movements…_

_Green eyes. Auburn hair. Blood, so much blood, all over her pink dress. It was on him now too. Warm; on his gloves, on his arms, seeping inside his clothes…_

* * *

He woke with a start, damning sleep to the deepest bowels of hell as he did so.

Cloud had come to despise dreaming, it was a portal to his subconscious, to his discarded memories. It was a rift that allowed so much back into the forefront of his mind, a rift that leaked pain, suffering, and regret into his skull.

No, it wasn't always bad. Sometimes remembering was nice. He liked recalling certain things (like his mother) but the thing was, he couldn't control what slipped through the cracks as he slept…

Hauling his diseased arm over his weary eyes, he realized why he'd had that specific dream. He realized what day it was. It was the anniversary. He wondered if Tifa remembered. It was thirteen years ago today that her mother died. He wouldn't bring it up regardless. If she didn't remember, he didn't want to remind her, and if she did, well, he didn't want to rub salt in the wound. He would leave well enough alone. She had enough to deal with as it was. He wasn't the only one who was still learning to cope and live with their sins.

Deciding that he might as well get up and start the day, he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom. Once there, Cloud forced himself to look at the weak, worthless bastard in the mirror in front of him. If it were up to him, this house wouldn't have mirrors. If other people didn't live here, he would have punched all of them out by now.

Cloud understood the necessity of mirrors. He did. He was guilty of glancing at them to make sure he was presentable but he didn't linger and he avoided direct eye contact with himself.

He'd been told he was… _attractive_. He saw how girls looked at him. Catching girls gawking at him wasn't something that was necessarily uncommon. He saw the unmistakable twinkle of kittenish longing, how some of their eyes just begged for him to look at them and not through them. He knew the look. He remembered how  _she'd_ looked at him, but he saw nothing worthy of a second glance, especially now.

Today, however, he forced himself to stare himself down. He needed to see if he looked sick. Did he look pale? Were his eyes sunken? Had the physical manifestation spread beyond his arm? Was there anything about his appearance that might indicate how sick he was?

Cloud had been faking both mental and physical health for a while now and he didn't want to ruin all that by being careless with something as simple as his appearance. Cloud was terrible at faking…well, anything, which made faking it a challenge in itself. He wore his emotions but he forced himself to put up a good front for Tifa and the kids. He didn't want to make the situation worse than it already was…

Straightening his posture, he saw he was thinner. Given he wasn't too keen on eating anymore, that wasn't surprising. He also noticed he was pretty pale, but he'd always been fair-skinned so he didn't think it would be a giveaway.

Continuing to eye himself in the mirror, he saw someone else in the looking glass standing behind him. A girl with long, auburn hair pulled back in a pink ribbon; green eyes, clad in red and pink with a thin, black ribbon around her thin neck...

His heart stopped and he spun around so fast he almost succumbed to vertigo.

When the haze cleared, he saw a girl but not the girl he saw in the mirror. He was relieved to see Tifa entering the bathroom, half asleep and yawning.

"Oh, sorry." She backed away when she saw his surprised expression. "I didn't know you were here."

Cloud reeled as if she'd kicked him with Somersault.

Had he been he gone that much? Had he been gone to the point that he was more surprised to see that he was there than to see that he wasn't?

Regaining his wits and his shaky composure, Cloud positioned himself carefully around her. He had to hide his shoulder. Luckily, Tifa still seemed half asleep so her eyesight wouldn't be too keen at the moment.

"I was just finishing up. You can stay." Cloud bent into the sink and clumsily threw some cold water onto his face, not caring if it got in his hair. He just needed to clear his head of whatever had been lingering in that mirror...

Tifa was quietly staring at him as he tried to shake the impression of  _her_ away and it made him uneasy.

He turned, catching her gaze and she went red as she looked away.

Tifa didn't blush much and it always intrigued him to find rose on her cheeks. It meant she was being unorthodox or perhaps feeling unorthodox. Her guard was down. He'd caught her doing something she found worthy of embarrassment.

Briefly, he remembered he was clad only in his pajama pants. Had she been eyeballing him? Too bad there was nothing to admire…

Tifa, however, had always been something to admire, something very pleasing to the eye, something he had admired from afar, curves in all the right places, big, doe eyes beneath long lashes, thick hair…

His eyes wandered her body for the first time in long time. She was in a small white t-shirt and black shorts. He drank her in and his carnal side began taking over. Soon he became painfully aware of the tension crackling around them in this tight space. There was too much electricity and not enough clothing. He was suddenly smothering.

' _I say go for it.'_

Cloud looked behind Tifa to see Zack leaning against the wall by the bathtub, clad in his SOLDIER uniform, looking as young, fresh, and lively as always. It was unnerving and a vast contrast to how he had been the last time he saw him...

' _You know, all you have to do is make a move or say the word.'_

 _Are you calling Tifa easy?_ Cloud replied privately.

' _No. I'm saying she loves you.'_

Cloud fought the need to cover his ears and close his eyes to block all of it out. He didn't want to hear that. No. It was too painful. He had the stigma; everything outside of that certainty was now void.

' _So you're saying that simply because you have Geostigma that her feelings don't matter? That they're suddenly less real?'_ Zack inquired, sounding painfully sincere.

Cloud's ears were suddenly ringing, his palms sweaty, his blood going thick…

 _Get it together, Strife!_ Cloud's subconscious cried, trying his damnedest to make his thoughts louder than the apparition's voice.

"Cloud? Is something wrong?" Tifa was closer now, her blush gone, replaced with unease. "You're pale. You look like you've seen a ghost."

_You have no idea…_

"Cloud?" she probed when he stared blankly at the hallucination behind her. "What is it?" she followed his gaze and a part of him wanted her to see Zack too.

' _Well? Aren't you going to answer her?'_ Zack offered a coy yet somehow stern smirk.

"No."

"What?" Tifa asked, looking very bemused.

"Nothing. It's nothing." Cloud's mouth twitched into something that _almost_  resembled a forced smile. "I just thought I saw something on the wall."

"Oh. Okay," she relented, giving the wall another quick glance.

With that, Cloud left the bathroom and as soon as he crossed the threshold, she shut door on him. He noticed it was a bit more forceful than necessary.

Maybe she  _did_  remember what today was…

_"Are you two fighting?"_

Cloud glanced across the hallway to see Marlene and Denzel peeking around the corner at him. They looked apprehensive, like they had stumbled upon a war zone, Marlene looking more apprehensive than Denzel, but she had every right to be more cautious of their fights. She'd seen them at their worst. Believe it or not, things between them had actually been worse than they were now. That or they had just gotten better at pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. Regardless, things had changed for the better when Denzel came into their lives. Recently, things had seemed to be on even more of an upturn…until he got Geostigma… Now everything in his poorly pieced together life was on the verge of falling apart again. He could feel it…

The ex-SOLDIER shook his head. "No, today is just kind of a rough day for Tifa. Try not to give her too much trouble while I'm gone."

"What's so special about today?" Marlene inquired as she and Denzel began following Cloud back down the hallway.

"Aren't you two supposed to be getting ready for school?" he groused, his blonde brow quirking.

"It's Saturday," Denzel clarified matter-of-factly.

Cloud felt like an idiot. He could practically hear Cid guffawing before proceeding to call him a 'dumb shit'. Damn was he out of touch. He didn't even know what day it was. He knew the  _date_  but not the day of the week…

"So what's today?" Marlene asked again, tugging at his gray pajama pants.

Cloud sighed and stopped walking so abruptly that Marlene crashed into him and Denzel crashed into her.

"It's the anniversary of the day that Tifa's mom died."

Marlene and Denzel both blanched.

"But promise you won't make a big deal out of it? I don't even know if she remembers." As he said this, he realized the irony of  _him_  remembering. What were the odds? His memory was arguably the worst on the Planet but he remembered this. He really wished he could ask his brain why it worked the way it did…

"Promise," Marlene replied and Denzel nodded.

"Thanks…"

* * *

Guilt, regret, sorrow, and Geostigma didn't mix, and guilt, regret, sorrow, Geostigma, _and_  alcohol _definitely_  didn't mix.

Cloud wasn't a fan of drinking. He _rarely_  did so and when he did, he didn't drink much. He was a man who liked having his wits but lately, he was willing to sacrifice them in order to numb the negative emotions that churned around inside him and today had been a particularly bad day, one of the worst in a while…

Drinking was a social thing—at least it was supposed to be. It was something to do with friends when you wanted to unwind and forget your troubles. That was why the  _new_ Seventh Heaven existed in the first place. Cloud, Barret, and Tifa – after a night of drinking beneath a crumbling plate in Midgar – had decided to sell that pleasant feeling to people, something that could be seen as some form of penance.

They'd had fun drinking together that night, after a long day of work and atonement.

Drunk, Barret had fallen in a well, and Cloud and Tifa had laughed until their ribs hurt. Even Barret laughed once he got out. The night had given Barret an idea, an idea to give those kinds of nights to people who needed it, and after everything that had happened,  _a lot_ of people needed it.

However, what Cloud was practicing now was  _nothing_  like that. He was drinking alone in his dark room and with no other purpose than to numb himself. It made living a little bit easier. It made living with Geostigma a bit easier. It made the insufferable fog a little less dense. It made everything, the failure, the regret, the guilt, and the helplessness a bit easier to swallow…for a while. It would all come back with a screaming vengeance in the morning but for now, that didn't matter.

Drinking alone was an unhealthy practice. No good would come of it but he'd started doing it more and more after Tifa had blown up at him one night after she asked if she could join him for a drink at the bar and he'd coarsely turned her away. She'd proceeded to say that if he wanted to drink alone, then he could go do it in his room and that was exactly what he had done.

All the lights were off. The only light inside was the light of the moon and the stars that poured into his grim room. His head was fuzzy from the Correl alcohol and the dull fever in his bones.

To add insult to injury, he'd started hallucinating again, which brought him back to his original point: Geostigma, guilt, regret, sorrow, and alcohol didn't mix.

Across the room, Sephiroth was mocking him. The Geostigma and the fever had brought Sephiroth over for a visit. His old nemesis was by far his least favorite ghost. He preferred Zack and his guilt trips to Sephiroth…

Cloud stared at the chair he occupied across from him. The bastard was smirking at him, smiling as if he were the one who'd won that last fight, looking as cocky as he did when he'd placed Black Materia in his hands…

Cloud knew Sephiroth wasn't  _really_ there but if he were, he would be smirking in that _exact_  same way. He was enjoying this, wherever he was. He reveled in the fact that there was a half empty bottle in his hand, that he was sick and miserable and in an emotional tailspin.

' _You truly are a glutton for punishment, Cloud.'_

"Shut up…" he mumbled and rubbed his eyes, hoping it would massage the demon away.

' _I'm actually impressed with your new low. Even when I'm no longer around to torture you, you continue to find new ways to torture yourself. You might even look worse than you did when-"_

"Cloud? I'm about to go to bed. Do you need anything?" Tifa's voice resonated inside his room and her voice sent him away. Sephiroth was gone as if she'd demanded him leave.

"No." Cloud replied, still rubbing his rheumy eyes as he did so.

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay…" he mumbled but he doubted she heard him.

Gradually, Tifa's footsteps retreated. Soon, she was gone, but Sephiroth was back.

' _You push her away. That's precious.'_ Sephiroth did his imitation of a chuckle.

Cloud's eyes narrowed.

' _You must really think you care for her if you feel the need to push her away even though I can tell you want nothing more than to pull her close. You miss her but you are too guilty to let yourself have her, too afraid of what might happen if you let her in. You frantically throw happiness away with both hands before it has the chance to leave you and those you care about empty, cold, and full of even more pain.'_

"Stop it."

' _Quite the predicament you're in. You turn your back on the present and live in the past because the light of the present is too much.'_ Sephiroth shook his head as if he were disappointed.

"You don't know me!"

" _I know you. You're guilty because you've tasted happiness, and you're miserable because you're guilty.'_

"It's not like that now," Cloud argued, shaking his head.

' _You're r_ _ight._ **Now**   _it's about your stigma. Now_ _that_ _you feel you can finally attempt to be happy, make up for what you've done, and attempt live with yourself, you have Geostigma, which has taken any and all hope of salvation and happiness away. You are hopelessly stuck in a sad, downward spiral, Cloud, one that will eat away at you until you die. Luckily for you, you won't have to wait too long for death to claim you. Your Geostigma will make damn sure of that.'_

"Shut up!" Cloud roared and hurled his liquor bottle at the apparition only to have the bottle shatter against the empty chair.

' _There will always be something to ruin your life, Cloud. It all depends on who or what finds you first. You are always ripe and ready to be taken.'_

The eerie words continued to echo around him even after Sephiroth dispersed and Cloud could only bow over in his chair and bury his face in his hands.

Sephiroth was right. The irony of it all would have actually been funny were it not so depressing. He probably would have even laughed if he were a bit drunker.

Ironically, things had been getting better. Ironically, he'd finally seen the very,  _very_ faint light at the end of the seemingly endless tunnel. Ironically, his silly conversations with Tifa had come back. Ironically, he'd decided that living and helping those who needed him now was the only way he would obtain any form of penance.

Then he got Geostigma. Now everything was shot to hell. He was back to square one and all of the hope he'd given to himself and to Tifa just before he got the stigma was slaughtered. Gone. He no longer knew how to live with himself, not that he would be doing much living anymore anyway. There was no cure for Geostigma.

Tifa had looked so happy…more like her cheerful self when he told her that he was _finally_  going to try to make things better and attempt to actually fix his problems instead of just dwelling on them. He'd told her that he would try to make up for what he'd done by living.

Then, he'd smiled at her, a true, unguarded smile that spoke volumes. It said everything would be okay because he was finally starting to think they would be… They had the kids, they had each other, and they had a future. What that future entailed and what it meant for them specifically was yet to be seen but it was still a future, an unspoken promise…but… Shortly after that, he found out he had the stigma. Now all of it was for nothing. Now he was hiding in his room, feverish and drunk…

Cloud didn't know how much longer he could go on faking it and living this way, like what he had said still held relevance. Tifa would see through it eventually. She knew him too well. She had an uncanny way of sensing when he was being less than truthful and he found he didn't want to be dishonest, but he didn't want her to know all of his progress had been undone when it had make her so happy. However, keeping all of this from her was exhausting and he was so tired…


	3. Part III

* * *

_We see our sins reflected everywhere:_

_In the pallor of our intimates' faces,_

_In the scratching of tree branches against windows,_

_In the strange movements of everyday objects._

_– Anna Godbersen_

* * *

Somewhere along the way, Tifa had discovered his hiding place. She now knew where he went when he disappeared. She knew that when he wasn't out delivering and when he wasn't at home, he was at the church in the slums,  _her_ church.

Apparently, when he found Denzel, he'd let it slip that he found him at 'his place', his place being the church. Tifa, being Tifa, caught it but she didn't bring it up until months later.

She'd be mad. He just knew Tifa would be angry when she learned about him lingering there and poisoning himself with a memory but to his shock, she hadn't been. She just asked that he no longer go alone.

He'd been pleasantly surprised by her reaction. It was odd how he expected certain things of her through their unspoken bond. Regardless of titles, he'd still acted like a boyfriend who just knew he would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing to his girlfriend. He just knew she'd be mad at him for going there, for all the obvious reasons but she'd been graceful about the whole thing, as she'd always been from the very beginning.

Yes, Tifa had been very considerate and understanding but the thought of bringing her there was…strange. He couldn't keep himself from giving her a dubious look when she had suggested it. He was fairly certain Tifa hadn't gone back to the church since they went shortly after Meteor with Barret, Vincent, and the others. She hadn't gone back since she broke down by Aerith's flowerbed. He'd never seen Tifa cry so much. He hadn't been able to keep his hand from gravitating to her shoulder. He did it to comfort both her, and himself. He needed to touch her. He needed to make sure she couldn't go anywhere, that she  _wouldn't_ go anywhere. He _needed_  her to be there as she always had been, as she said she always would be.

He'd silently agreed to the idea of taking Tifa with him when he went to the church, but he'd never followed through.

As he sat on a pew and treated his Geostigma, he realized Tifa was probably right. Going here alone wasn't good for his mental or physical health but this place had a sad magic to it and he had learned that the ghosts and the memories didn't haunt him as much here. It was sacred, a sanctuary and he took advantage of it whenever everything became too much, which was becoming more and more often. Again. Time stood still here and he didn't have to worry about keeping secrets or keeping up appearances. There was a little less to worry about…because he was hiding…like a coward and there was no honor in that…but there was solace and at this point, Cloud was willing to take whatever he could get.

' _She came,'_ chimed that light, breezy voice.

Cloud grimaced, freezing in place, unable to finish treating his arm. When he opened his eyes again,  _she_ was there, bent over her flowers, her back facing him. He couldn't see her face and he found that he didn't want to see it.

Sunbeams crashed down around her and her flowers, giving everything a strange, fuzzy, ethereal glow. It was something like being a bit too close to heaven. It was too much for human eyes, making it blur…

' _She came with Marlene not too long ago. It was one afternoon you were with Denzel.'_

His eyes widened. He didn't know… Tifa hadn't said anything.

' _She asked me to help you. She was really worried.'_

He just sat there, staring blankly at her back, watching as her long, braided hair moved back and forth like a pendulum as she moved.

' _She doesn't think she can help you anymore. She thinks you are too far away for her to reach. She thinks it is up to you now. So she asked me to help.'_

Cloud's brow furrowed. He didn't know how to feel about that. It stung for sure but…

' _Hmm.'_ She stood upright then, folding her arms and bringing one of her hands to her chin in contemplation. ' _I think she's only half right.'_

"Huh?" he responded, acknowledging her for the first time in what felt like ages…

' _Tifa. I think she is only half right. I don't think I'm the one who can help you.'_

Cloud scoffed. "So even you think I'm beyond redemption."

' _No, Cloud…'_ She sounded disappointed and it made him ache to hear that tone in her voice.  _'That's not what I said. Don't put words in my mouth. I'm saying that I'm not the answer. No one from your past is. You are the answer to this particular problem.'_

"Me?"

' _Of course, silly! We can only do so much, the rest is up to you, but I see Tifa's point. I suppose there is a still a_ **little** _more I can do for you. but you have to listen. Okay?'_

"Okay…"

He could almost see her mouth curving into a smile.  _'Everything will be all right. I promise._

* * *

While around others, Cloud had to remind himself to do the simplest of things. Geostigma made everything harder and magnified all of his bad habits. Being a victim of Mako poisoning was one thing but Mako poisoning and Geostigma together was quite another.

Whenever he was delivering for his delivery service or back at Seventh Heaven, he had to remind himself of normal things constantly. Speak when spoken to. Engage in conversation. Make eye contact. Listen. Look _at_  people instead of through them.

He tried to use his old SOLDIER persona and channel his inner Zack sometimes. However, he was a bit rusty. As more and more of his old self came to light after his time in the Lifestream with Tifa, the SOLDIER personality dissolved a bit. It was still a major part of who he was and still came out from time to time but now it had to share with his old self. The two personalities sharing the same space caused the two to blend and that was how the current Cloud came to exist—at least that was the conclusion he'd come to. Sometimes, he still didn't know who the hell he was.

It helped to play what would Zack do? What would your inner jackass do? Granted, both of those things were quite different but who was Cloud kidding? He was nothing like Zack. That was partially why he'd admired him so much. He was so unlike him and it was something Cloud wanted to strive for. He'd wanted to be like Zack to the point that one day (with the Hojo's help, a strong dose of Jenova cells, and Mako poisoning) he actually thought he was Zack. He'd wanted to be SOLDIER. He'd wanted to be strong. If he were someone like Zack, he'd be worthy of facing everyone again, of facing Tifa…

The fog gathered behind his eyes, leaving him woozy, detached, and disoriented. The buzz of the bar droned to a very dull hum and he could barley hear it within his room anymore despite the afternoon rush.

His head hit the window frame, his forehead caressing the glass as his eyes slowly closed.

"Cloud?"

Somehow, he managed to open his eyes, disconnect his forehead from the cool glass, and look back at who was addressing him.

_Engage. Speak. Something!_

"Hmm?"

Tifa smiled and crossed the room to him. She didn't get too close, planting herself on the other side of the window across from him.

"You feeling okay? You look kind of tired."

Cloud tried to perk up a little and banish the dense fog in his head so his brain would function properly. "I am tired."

"Maybe you should take the day off tomorrow and rest."

It wasn't a bad idea but he honestly didn't know if he could stay here that long.

"I'll see what I can do." He tried to sound sincere but he mainly sounded bored. Nothing ever translated like he wanted it to.

"Good."

Regardless of how it sounded, Tifa seemed pacified and if she was pacified, then he was too.

Silence blanketed them and Tifa was now looking out the window too, trying to find what he was looking at. Truth be told, he wasn't necessarily _looking_  at anything. There was nothing outside that window that had his attention. Thanks to the fog in his head, he looked at things without actually looking at them. What actually drew him to the window was the cool glass against his throbbing, feverish head. It would also give the illusion that he was looking  _at_  something instead of off into space like a drone.

_Look at her, Cloud. You've been staring out the window too long. Normal. Remember, normal._

Cloud's vision faded back in and he glanced across the way at Tifa. The dull light of day was hitting her features, making them sharp, brightening them. He could see the hazel in her brown eyes, the faint streaks of green racing out of her pupils across her irises. In this light, her eyes were barely brown at all. There was so much more depth to them, splashes and bursts of jade, caramel, and hazel; colors that wouldn't be seen otherwise.

The fog was coming back and he started focusing on her eyes, tuning everything else out.

His hand moved on its own volition and he lightly tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear as if it would somehow get him closer to those brown depths he wanted to drown in. The touch was feather light, the caress of a ghost but not unfamiliar. He'd touched her like this before but never while she was conscious. No, never while she was awake.

Cloud wasn't heartless. He felt things just not in the way that people normally felt things. He was capable of being…compassionate, tender—at least that was what he tried to convince himself. He was capable but he wasn't always willing. It was something he struggled with. He would admit that. He'd accepted that he wasn't normal and things that were effortless for most were challenging to him.

He was capable of tenderness. He'd been tender before. It hadn't always seemed so trivial, so hollow. It hadn't always made him so…uncomfortable…

Somehow his mind managed to drift even further away, trying to recall the last time he'd been tender… It wasn't that long ago; before the stigma, when things between them were somehow worse…

_The walls were closing in. He was twitchy and anxious to occupy his mind with…something, something other than the depressing logic he'd been wrestling with more and more lately. He couldn't keep that thick fog of torture away… It had grown too big too ignore, too immense to dilute…_

_The sound of Tifa washing dishes echoed through the space as he sat at the table staring at his maps and trying his damnedest to keep a positive state of mind but he was failing miserably. The fog was consuming him, smothering him, filling his lungs to the brim. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think– at least not on anything but the pain._

" _I'm gonna go out for a while," he stated as he rose to his feet. He didn't look at her. If he did, he would be tempted to stay and he would go crazy if he stayed. He_ couldn't  _stay, not like this…_

" _Okay. Be careful." Her tone was unfeeling and automatic, borderline robotic as she sat a now clean and dry plate on the counter._

_It wasn't until he was outside and making his way to Fenrir that he realized it was raining. It wasn't heavy but it was chilled by the night air, making it uncomfortable. Riding in the rain was never a pleasant experience but it helped it if was a light, warm summer rain. This kind of precipitation, however, could make someone sick._

"Cloud!"

**Tifa?**

_He knew the voice instantly. It was one of the few that he would know absolutely anywhere but that still didn't keep it from surprising him. He couldn't veil the fact that he was genuinely shocked by the fact that she was chasing after him, in the rain no less. Sure, she used to walk him out when he first started doing deliveries but he couldn't remember the last time she did that…_

_Cloud turned to see Tifa blazing out of the bar toward him, not caring that the rain was slowly yet surely gathering on her clothes and in her dark hair._

_Tifa looked unhinged, disheveled, and desperate._

_He panicked. Was something wrong? Was it the kids?_

" _Tifa? What's wrong?" he asked, taking a few brisk steps towards her, helping her close the seemingly endless gap between them. He couldn't close it quick enough. Something in her tone ignited the urge he had to protect her, to keep her safe from anything that would dare cause her to call for him in such a despairing way._

_He almost took hold of her shoulders but instantly thought better of it and refrained although his hands were itching to touch her._

" _Don't run… Please…" she said softly, sounding on the verge of tears._

_Cloud was genuinely shocked for half a second, reeling as if she'd punched him with Premium Heart. Tifa was…begging? Had he upset her that much? Was she that concerned? She'd never given any indication of it before…or maybe he just wasn't paying attention…_

_He didn't answer; he could only stare at her and blink away the rain that gathered on his short lashes._

_Tifa looked so sad, so hurt and a new layer of guilt blanketed him. He caused this. He caused her pain and he found himself wanting to take it away. He didn't want her to hurt and he certainly didn't want to be the one to hurt her but he couldn't even take away his own pain at this point, much less someone else's._

_He held her gaze for as long as he could before everything overflowed and streamed down his body with the gathering rain…_

" _I want to understand. I know this is your problem- I want to help but I can't do that if you won't let me."_

_Before he could grimace at the sincerity in her words, she was touching him. Her cool fingertips grazed his damp cheek then crept through one of the longer strands of the pale hair framing his face and finally slipped down his jawline._

_It had been so long since he'd been touched so tenderly, especially by her. He didn't know how he felt about it. Yes, it felt good physically but that wasn't the problem. There was nothing wrong with Cloud Strife physically…_

_Instinctively and without thought, his eyes sought out hers and he found himself looking at her,_ **really** _looking at her for the first time in months. He saw her; his heart saw her, all of her._

_She was dripping now, not as waterlogged as he but wetter than she'd been when she first approached him. Her dark brow was knitted in the most tragic, questioning way. Everything in her expression screamed 'why'? Drops of water began teeming down the soft contours of her face and he briefly wondered if it was merely rain or if tears were mixing with the precipitation._

_Her hair was now heavy with water, clinging to her neck and outline of her face and her eyes- Her eyes were sad but they were still warm and inviting. He was assaulted by the desire to lose himself in them. He wanted that warmth. He wanted what she was silently offering in that wholehearted look. He wanted to dive in and never leave that warmth, that hospitable void free of guilt, regret, and pain…_

" _Tifa…" he breathed. "I…"_

_As if reading his thoughts, she took another impossible step towards him._

" _Stay," she breathed back._

_She was touching him again, her warm hand now flat against his cheek. He focused on her eyes, that deep sea of hazel and brown outlined by thick, black lashes. He helplessly latched onto the emotions in them, on the sweetness in her gaze. They spoke volumes while still saying nothing at all but he wanted to believe all of it. He wanted what they spoke of. He wanted what was swimming around inside them…the assurance, the hope, the desires, the spark of life…_

" _Please?" Tifa added and he was suddenly conscious again. Reality coarsely snapped back into place and he realized what she was asking of him and what it would mean._

_She wanted something he wasn't sure he could give. She wanted him to stay and be a part of the family they'd pieced together, but he knew for a fact that she didn't want him…like_ **this** _. She wouldn't want this version of him. She wouldn't want this Cloud Strife, this wounded, guilt-ridden shell of a man… He wasn't good enough for her or the kids. Tifa wanted a future but he was forever drowning in the past._

_He grimaced at the confliction he felt. He grimaced at the sensation of her, of her touch, of her sincerity and her wants because they mirrored his own to a fault but he was only capable of so much._

_Suddenly, her lips were on his, interrupting all train of thought and rationale._

_The urge to push her away was overwhelming. He didn't do affection, not anymore. It felt wrong now… He could no longer ignore just how unjust it felt. He used to be able to shut off that voice in the back of his head that screamed out the unfairness of it all but not anymore. He could barely feel Tifa against him now because of it. He felt faint sensations of touch. He knew her hands were on him and he could almost taste her as his lips went through the motions, flowing along hers, following the trail of longing she left behind._

_Something carnal, something forgotten and locked away switched on inside him as his tongue recognized her taste, the sensation of being kissed. Suddenly, he was inching forward and deepening it._

_Her head tilted back as she completely relented herself to him but he didn't oblige. He didn't take advantage of her openness, of her utter surrender but, for a moment, he did lose himself in the base act. He managed to stop feeling anything other than her. For a brief, fleeting moment, there was no negativity, no fog, no ache, no torment, and no rain, but before the good he was experiencing could outweigh the bad, the guilt, the pain, the fog…it was back, hungry and enraged…demanding his attention and debasement._

**Damn it…**

_He couldn't shut it off. He couldn't ignore it. He was kissing Tifa but all he could feel was anguish… It was bitter. It was tart but she was sweet…so, so sweet..._

_What right did he have to be happy? What right did he have to feel_ **anything** _? He didn't deserve this. After_ **her** _, tender sentiments were tangled in with pain and guilt. If anything of Tifa reminded him of_ **her** _, it instantly became wrong. Nothing needed to feel like her. Nothing needed to remind him of_ **her** _. If there was any semblance of_   **her**   _in anything, it was instantly shoved away and things like this sometimes reminded him of_ **her.**

_Regaining his wits, he unhurriedly pulled away and was then assaulted with yet another new form of guilt. He felt even emptier now and he was overcome with the urge to kiss her again, to make that gnawing, soul-shattering emptiness go away. It wasn't until he began pulling away that he realized that a part of him really didn't want to._

**No. Just go.**

_Tifa's hand was still on his cheek and he tentatively reached up to connect with it. He placed his hand upon hers, causing it to vanish beneath his palm, his hand vastly larger in contrast._

_Cloud had grabbed it to detach it from his skin, to keep it from being so endearing, to keep it from tempting him but he ended up doing just the opposite. The moment his hand made contact with hers, he couldn't keep himself from holding it there, attempting to get it even closer, encouraging her to continue her assault…_

_His eyes closed, almost grimacing as he leaned into it._

" _Cloud…"_

_The sound of her voice tingled down into his sternum and his fingers began moving along the top of her hand on their own volition, the pads of his fingers leaving feather light touches down the top of her fingers, down across her abused knuckles…_

_Tifa responded as she always did and her fingers curled against his cheek, her thumb teasing the corner of his mouth…_

" _I'm… I'm sorry, Tifa." That was all he could say. As vague as it was, it was sincere. He meant every word. He was sorry, more sorry than he could ever put into words but it didn't change anything. He had to put an end to it._

_He grabbed her wrist and ripped her hand away._

_The moment he detached her skin from his, Cloud let go of her joint but for some reason, he_   **couldn't** _stop touching her. When he let go of her wrist, he couldn't keep his fingertips from brushing down the inside of her arm, her palm, and finally, her fingers._

_Once the last physical connection was severed, he walked away. He mounted Fenrir without a word and blazed off with no clear destination in mind._

Shortly after that, things got better. _He_  got better. He'd reached a point of resolve (at least he thought he had) and then, he found black junk all over his arm…and here they are.

Why was he touching her? Why was he leading her on? Why was he toying with her? Why was he thinking about kissing her? Why was he being so selfish? He had no future, thus, they had no future.

_Just stop it, Cloud. Just stop. For the love of all that is Holy, please, stop. Stop avoiding the inevitable. Stop pretending you can dodge the stigma and keep it a secret forever. Stop._

His brow furrowed and he toyed with her hair a second longer, his eyes detached as the threads of black silk glided between his fingers.

He was acting strange again. This wasn't normal and he realized he couldn't even pretend to be normal anymore. The fog… It was too thick now. He was too sick.

* * *

When they'd watched Meteor from the cockpit of the Highwind after defeating Sephiroth, he resolved that living would be the only way he could make up for everything that…happened. He had decided that his new life would start from that moment forward. He would stop thinking about it and actually follow through with it, and that was what he  _tried_  to do...for a while. Slowly but surely, and with Tifa and Barret's help, this 'new life' began taking form. They build the new Seventh Heaven; he got his motorbike, made heavy alterations to said bike, and eventually, created his delivery service. He finally experimented with doing things for no one else but himself. He practiced being selfish and it wasn't horrible. In fact, Tifa had seemed strangely proud of him for it.

Yes, after some dark days and some major draw backs, he'd finally decided that living was the best (and probably only) way to atone for all he'd done. When he _finally_  decided to attempt to actually **live**  the new life he'd managed to clumsily piece together, he contracted a disease that would keep him from doing the one thing he thought might redeem him.

Now that he'd resolved to finally live, he was going to die. He would die and effectively spit in the face of all of those who died so that he could live. Unreachable redemption was somehow even more unreachable and he had never felt worse. He'd finally found something that could help him cement his resolve, something that could help him eventually learn to live with himself only to have it yanked out from under him. It was the only absolution he had left to offer and now even it was gone…

That realization had hit hard, really hard. Getting Geostigma had been one thing, but realizing what it meant was more than he could handle.

He'd hit bottom. He'd really and truly hit it this time.

Cloud couldn't remember when enough had finally been enough. He couldn't remember making a conscious decision to stop coming home or to leave for that matter. It just became…impossible. He didn't want to say that it was because he didn't  _want_ to come home. It was more like…he  _couldn't_  come home. It was just…too much or maybe – as Tifa had once put it – it wasn't enough.

Maybe it was the Geostigma. Maybe it was the guilt. Maybe it was the fog. Maybe it was the grief. Maybe it was a lethal combination of all those things.

He couldn't remember making the decision to leave but he remembered leaving. There wasn't necessarily anything special about that day. It had just been another day but…Tifa knew. Tifa always knew. It was probably the way he didn't say anything when he made his way to the door. He usually said  _something_ when he left. Granted, it was usually vague or ambiguous but that day however, he didn't say anything. He didn't want to give himself away but he ended up doing just that by not saying anything. He couldn't get anything past her. It wouldn't have mattered what he did. She would've known.

Cloud reached for the door handle but the sensation of someone pressed to his back stopped him.

The fog in his brain scattered and he thought he was feeling Marlene on him but he realized this form was a bit too tall (and a bit too familiar if he thought about it enough) for it to be Marlene.

_Tifa…_

She wasn't really embracing him. He wouldn't call it a hug. She was just leaning into him. One of her hands snagged the curve of his elbow to keep him in place while she rested against his back, almost embracing him. Almost.

He stood there, frozen. She knew. She knew before he knew and even if she didn't, she knew something was off.

He glanced in her direction although he couldn't see her buried into his back behind him.

Sighing heavily, he released the door handle and allowed himself to feel her as she attempted to hold onto him. It was a plea or maybe a goodbye. He wasn't sure which.

Cloud stared at the door blankly and began to reevaluate what he was doing. Wait, what was he doing? Going off to die? Sparing them? Being selfless? Being selfish?

Her cheek rested on his shoulder blade and her hand clung to the dark cloth that covered his arm.

She probably thought the running was over. She thought he had finally sucked it up and stopped running away and shutting her out, shutting  _everything_ out. Honestly, he had every intention of stopping, to quit treating her this way, to cease being physically and emotionally absent, but life and the stigma had other plans…

He held his head down, conflicted but knowing he had no other choice. He couldn't stay. Not anymore.

Eventually (and a bit reluctantly), she released him without a word and he ran. He ran. He tried to run from the memories, from the pain of failure, the helplessness, the sting of regret, the agony of guilt, and even the stigma. He tried to run from it all. The memories wouldn't go away, so in his disease ridden, fog-filled mind he thought if all of that wouldn't go away,  _he'd_  go away.

Barret would yell at him if he were here. He'd tell him not to run, that running wouldn't fix a damn thing. Cid would call him a dumb shit. Yuffie would call him a wimp. Vincent would probe him to ask himself what this was really about. Reeve and Red XIII would frown, showing obvious discontent for his actions. They'd be right but they didn't understand… No one felt what he felt… He could never put this misery into words and he didn't want to worry those who meant the most to him by revealing his condition. He couldn't even really explain why he did what he did, he just knew that he had Geostigma, he was going to die and effectively spit in the face of all those who suffered and died so he could live. He'd hit bottom and that this, however painful, was for the best. 


	4. Part IV

* * *

_I get up and pace the room as if I can leave my guilt behind me._

_But it tracks me as I walk, an ugly shadow made by myself._

_– Rosamund Lupton_

* * *

Vomiting in the wasteland outside Midgar was a new low. He could practically hear Sephiroth snickering behind him.

He'd barely made it off Fenrir before he lost his blackened guts all over the dried, dead ground.

His phone started ringing in his pocket. He couldn't answer it. He was kind of busy puking, but who was he kidding? He wouldn't answer it anyway. It just so happened he had a legitimate excuse this time. For once, he wasn't blatantly ignoring it. He chose to pretend he would've answer it were his stomach not falling from his mouth. It was a lie but he chose to believe it. It would make him feel better about himself for a while when reality snapped back into place, when his perception of reality was a little less faulty, when he was no longer withdrawn and lost in a sea of delusions.

Once he was done and the Geostimga had successfully purged his stomach of everything he'd eaten the past few days, he stood upright and wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand. He took his water canteen out of his satchel and did his best to rinse his mouth out. It didn't really work but hey, he tried.

After the taste of vomit was a little less prevalent, he reached in his pocket and checked his phone.

The call had been from Tifa. It was probably a business call. She'd stopped making personal calls a while back. She grew tired of his neglect. She knew him enough to know that he wouldn't answer and that he would call her when he needed her, _if_  he needed her.

Cloud listened to the voicemail and his assumption had been correct. Someone had called the landline at the bar requesting a delivery. Tifa gave him the name, address, and requested materials. Sometimes, she would ask him something personal at the end. Something sweet or caring like: 'How have you been?' or 'Are you making it okay?' She didn't leave anything like that this time. It was strictly professional. It stung but only for a moment. He wouldn't let it bother him further. He couldn't.

Tifa's voice was always refreshing but it also reminded him of how much he missed her and the kids. Sometimes, when he was in a special mood, he would listen to her voicemail a second time but not today. He was too tender and raw for that today. It would fracture his resolve. He'd want to go home and he couldn't do that. He was sick and worthless and he couldn't bring himself to go back and make their lives worse by effectively sucking any and all joy out of any room he entered with his detachment and misery.

Shaking the thoughts away, Cloud mounted Fenrir and began making his way to Kalm to complete his current deliveries.

* * *

It was a bad day. He hadn't puked since that morning but he still had a fever. He had no business doing deliveries in this condition but people needed their packages and their mail so here he was, in Kalm…with Geostigma…

He'd made it to Kalm, somehow although his body was at war with itself. His eyes were going crossed and he was ten different kinds of dizzy. If there was anything left in his stomach, he was pretty sure he'd vomit again.

Everything got worse when he dismounted Fenrir and began walking. If someone would have told him five years ago that he would get sicker off a moving vehicle than on one, he would've laughed. He was swaying as if he were a passenger on a ship, his shoulders drooped and his posture gaunt.

' _Man, you aren't looking too good."_

A blurry Zack was suddenly in front of him, squinting slightly as if to get a better look at him.

' _You look worse than you did that time in Junon when you got a nasty case of motion sickness. Remember?'_

Cloud stopped dead in his tracks, shocked that he actually did remember what the hallucination was talking about. He remembered! Not well but he wasn't drawing a blank! He'd gotten nauseous during the helicopter ride to Junon. He'd been sent to do rescue work he'd been forced to prop himself up on a nearby metal wall in one of the many center tunnels in Junon, trying desperately to rid himself of the nausea.

' _You do remember! You might make a full recovery yet. Well, maybe not a_ **full** _recovery…but you're still improving.'_

His Mako eyes narrowed at the apparition. How could he say that? How could even a figment of his feverish imagination say that? Sure, he was better in some respects. He wasn't brain dead but he was far from normal, far from what he'd been before. He didn't recall being borderline schizophrenic before…

' _Hey, maybe you should rest. You look like you're about to fall over…'_

This hallucination was so vivid Cloud could practically feel Zack's hand landing heavily on his shoulder in encouragement, trying to coax him into taking care of himself.

Inspired by Zack's infectious personality (even his delusions of it), Cloud tried to blink the pain away. He tried to will himself to overcome it. Surely his will was stronger than Geostigma.

But it wasn't—at least not this time. He was rapidly losing the battle for consciousness. The pain shot up his arm like a liquid fire, causing his whole body to lock up. He grunted from the strain of fighting it off, of fighting the blackness exploding in violent bursts behind his eyes. His hand shot to his infected arm and he could feel the ooze slipping down his bicep, then down his forearm and finally spilling into his glove and overflowing onto the ground.

His ears were ringing with the shrill droning of white noise and then he was out, just like someone had yanked a plug out of an electrical socket.

' _Hang in there, Cloud'_

* * *

There was a powerful murmur humming around him, the sound of concern and intrigue, the reverberation of shocked onlookers…

What happened? Was there trouble? Cloud willed himself to grab the main blade of his Fusion Swords off his back just in case but his body refused and everything was still black. Had he been infected with Darkness? He couldn't remember…

" _Are you okay?"_

Someone was touching him, supporting his weight, holding his limp head up and trying to prod him into standing. It wasn't working.

"Tifa?" he called, not conscious of the reason why. Either because he knew she was always there or because he  _wanted_  her there…

His rheumy eyes could almost see her smiling down at him, his head in her lap, and her hands on his face. It was that small yet warm smile she always offered, the one that almost didn't' reach her eyes, belying that there was more pain in her than she ever divulged to anyone, even him but he could see it and he knew enough about her to know that there was a lot underneath that powerful, optimistic disposition she projected to the Planet.

" _No, I'm afraid not."_

Tifa began fading, taking that flickering moment of what could almost be considered tranquility away with her.

Something akin to disappointment washed over him. The voice no longer sounded like Tifa's and had confirmed that she wasn't whom he was asking for.

_That's right. I'm not home. I left them… No, I abandoned them._

When he opened his eyes the second time, he saw a group of people staring at him with concerned expressions. He'd finally done it. Geostigma had finally knocked him unconscious…in public. He'd caused a scene.

_Shit._

Cloud focused on one of the faces around him… It was young and outlined by brown hair that was pulled into a long, tight ponytail that fell over her shoulder. The eyes were blue-green and the cheeks were rosy, almost flushed.

"He's warm. Do you think he's…?"

_Double shit._

Cloud shot upright before she could finish her assumption, causing the spectators to jump in surprise.

The girl who'd been holding his head in her lap helped him back to his feet. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. It's fine."

"Should I get Tifa?" she asked.

"What?" he reeled, shocked.

"Tifa? The girl you were calling for…?" Her features contorted with uncertainty. "We can find her for you if we need to."

Cloud shook his head.

"Are you sure? You really don't look well…"

He nodded, murmured his thanks, and lumbered through the small crowd that had accumulated around him. Slowly but surly he made it further the township of Kalm.

Once he was sure he'd dissolved the situation as much as possible, he took the mail to the post office and dropped off the ordered supplies at the item shop. They'd also ordered a lot of Potions, Antidotes, Remedies, and the like. These were common ways to combat and treat the stigma. It didn't heal it but it made living a bit more bearable. It numbed the pain and could give someone a few more days, give or take depending on the severity of the infection.

It was getting worse. It was spreading but not in the traditional sense. Despite popular belief, Geostigma wasn't contagious.

The outbreak in Kalm was nothing like it was in Midgar or Edge but it was evident. There were those sitting outside in alleyways with bandages around their eyes, their foreheads, necks, and other places that probably weren't visible to the eye like his arm.

Cloud had also noticed the subtle number of coffins in the process of being constructed in the back room of the carpenter's shop, some much smaller than any coffin should ever be…

Guilt flooded his insides and he couldn't keep from thinking of Denzel and the other infected children around Kalm. As he made his way back out of the town, he heard child-like laughter and saw the children that lagged behind and winced from unseen pain shooting through their bodies, the disease already taking its told on their vitality and stamina.

There had to be a cure. There just had to be. What was the point of any of this if they were all doomed to succumb to Geostigma anyway?! What was the point in defeating Sephiroth? What was the point of finding Denzel? What was the point of all the sacrifices?

There had to be something… He'd find a cure somehow. Not necessarily for himself but for Denzel and the others. He'd spend the rest of his days looking if that was what it took. He'd never be able to go home or face anyone again until a cure was found. He couldn't bring himself to put the burden of his stigma on to Tifa, Marlene, and Denzel. He couldn't do that to them. It couldn't destroy what remained of their hope like that. He couldn't kill what remained of their hero by revealing that he was just as vulnerable as everyone else and that he was as doomed as the rest of them. He couldn't shoot their dreams of the future point blank in the face. The only solution to any of this was to find a cure for Geostigma but deep down he doubted he'd be able to pull off such an impossible feat. He cared and he wanted to help but he'd proven time and time again that he was nothing if not worthless. He wasn't capable of saving himself, much less anyone else. Finding a cure to Geostigma was just another one of his pitiful attempts of justifying his existence, his actions, of justifying why he'd left Tifa and the kids. It was something that might help him sleep a little better at night; a nice thought, nothing more.

* * *

The frequent deliveries and all the time spent fighting monsters reminded him of all the traveling he'd done two years ago and he was rapidly being reminded of how much he hated Poison. No, hate was putting it lightly. He loathed Poison.  _Loathed_  it! It was like having the hiccups except each hiccup was like having a Bomb go off in your intestines. He'd forgotten how much he hated it until one of the monsters outside Midgar infected him with it. It was either a Mu or a Trickplay, as pathetic as that was.

He just wanted to get back to the church so he could medicate himself, redress his Geostigma, and hopefully, sleep. Was that too much to ask? Apparently it was. He'd been forced to chug an Antidote and sit on Fenrir like a bump on a log until it took effect and cleansed his system.

The others never shared his hatred of Poison. The others brushed it off and said it was probably the least troublesome of the status effects. Cloud frequently begged to differ. Nothing could make him curse under his breath like Poison. He'd admit it probably bothered him more because it was more annoying than anything. It rarely caused massive damage but he could remember a battle or two where he just knew that Poison would finish him off before the enemy could. He swore it dealt more damage than some attacks did and sometimes there was no time to heal or remedy it so he'd just have to make due and hope for the best until the battle was over…

Barret hated the transformation statuses such as Frog. Yuffie hated Silence, not because she missed conjuring magic but because she hated losing the ability to ramble and the hum of her own vocal chords. Cid yelled an impressive amount of profanities each time he recovered from Petrification. He swore the after effects of Petrification left his joints stiff for hours afterwards (the theory was never truly tested). Red XIII hated Confusion and to this day Cloud still wasn't sure if Vincent had a special distaste for any of the status effects. He'd always assumed he had a special place in his heart for each of them. Tifa, however, he'd learned her aversion well. He'd never be able to forget which effect she hated the most…

Tifa Lockhart could take a hit with the best of them. She would also avoid telling anyone if she was infected with certain status effects to preserve supplies and to not worry or burden others with her ailment. However, Tifa could not stand Darkness. Personally, Cloud had always been more of a Confuse/Poison man himself but everyone was different and everyone had a special hatred for different kinds of status effects, and Tifa could _not_  handle losing her sight.

Cloud would always know when it had happened because Tifa would always get very still and try to use her other senses during fights and once the battle was over, she'd fall to her knees and stare out at the ground blankly…

" _Tifa?" he called when she didn't follow the party further into the wood._

_The behavior was strange because Tifa never lagged behind unless something was seriously wrong. She was sitting on the ground on her haunches with her legs sprayed out behind her, shaking._

" _Are you okay?"_

_She shook her head rapidly, shakily. "Mm-mmm."_

" _What's wrong? Are you hurt?" Aerith asked as she moved closer to examine her._

" _I can't see," she confessed, her eyes wild despite the blindness._

" _Calm down, Tifa," Aerith chided gently and touched Tifa's quivering arm only to have Tifa stagger away, unsure of what or who had touched her._

" _What was that?!" Tifa held her fists up, preparing to fight._

_Cloud yanked Aerith behind him before Tifa socked her. He just knew Tifa was two seconds from knocking her flat and poor Aerith would never know what hit her._

" _Hell, Tifa, it's only Aerith. The monsters 'er gone. We're the only ones around you," Cid huffed before lighting his ceremonial victory cigarette._

" _Right… Right. I'm sorry…" Tifa replied, her voice shaky._

" _Come on." Aerith fearlessly emerged from behind Cloud's form, took her hand, and led her to a nearby patch of moss near a tree trunk. "Let's go sit down so we can treat you. Does anyone have any Eyedrops?"_

_Everyone began patting their pockets and satchels._

_Tifa frowned. "Should we save them…? I don't have to be in the main party. I can stay back so that those who need them the most can use them."_

" _Don't start that, Tifa," Cloud groaned._

_Admittedly, he wasn't in the best of moods. He hadn't been since Cait Sith (or Reeve, whatever the hell his real name was) decided to be a traitorous bastard back at Gold Saucer and he honestly wasn't thrilled about going to the Temple of the Ancients. He had a gnawing feeling it would be an unpleasant experience and he wasn't in the mood to argue with Tifa about the durability of their supplies._

" _But we don't know what kind of enemies are in this temple. We might need to preserve—"_

" _I'm not taking you into the temple blind." Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose. He was getting a headache…_

" _We have plenty of Eyedrops, Tifa," Red XIII assured her, his tone gentle and Cloud was glad someone had the decency to comfort her because he literally didn't have it in him at the moment._

_Tifa nodded, albeit begrudgingly and Cloud was relieved. Even if he didn't take her into the temple as part of his primary party, she'd still be in the area and he might need her as backup if things got really hairy. She was too valuable to leave blind and he didn't want her that vulnerable in this particular situation. Someone would have to be her eyes and he'd be worrying about her the whole time._

_Aerith squeezed Tifa's hand before silently motioning for Cloud to give her the Eyedrops he'd pulled out of his pocket. He did as instructed but she gave him one of her signature knowing looks. He'd said or done something she didn't approve of and Tifa was frowning like a scolded child._

_Guilt coiled in his entrails and he suddenly felt awful for how he'd reacted. It wasn't her fault he was in a bad mood and he knew better than anyone how Tifa loathed Darkness. He knew he was virtually the only one she listened to when she was like this. He was the only one who could calm her down enough so she could be treated and he should have been considerate of that…_

_Damn it all he couldn't fight them both. One of them being mad at him was bad enough…but both?_

_He approached and placed a hand on Tifa's shoulder. "I'm sor—"_

_Before the apology could leave his fully leave his mouth, he was taking a sucker punch to the nose. Cartilage gave way to the metal covering her knuckles. His eyes went crossed as his brain was jarred loose from the sheer force. His vision blurred and filled with painful red as if his eyes were bleeding from the inside out._

" _Goddamn!" he roared, his hands covered his now broken nose. "Son of a bitch!"_

" _Cloud?!" squeaked Tifa, her eyes still glossy with blindness. "Cloud, I'm so sorry! I didn't know it was you! I panicked! I'm sorry!"_

_Tifa was apologizing profusely but everyone else was either bowing over with laughter or trying to hide chuckles._

_Cid almost inhaled his cigarette. Yuffie fell onto her back, succumbing to a giggle fit on the forest floor. Vincent shook his head but his eyes were shining with subtle mirth. Red XIII turned his head away to hide his simper while Aerith covered her mouth with her hands in a combination of shock and amusement._

" _That's what you get for being a smart ass!" Barrett bellowed. "You shoulda known better than to sneak up on her while she's blind! You know how she gets!"_

_Tifa's hands wrapped around his wrists apologetically as he continued to groan in agony._

_Her hands then wandered up the back of his hands to his face until she felt the warmth of his blood leaking out of his busted snout._

" _Here, let me…" Tifa took his face in her hands and angled it towards her, trying to tenderly pry his hands off his mangled snout._

_Cloud twitched at first, not wanting her to touch the source of his misery but relented due to the mere sound of her voice and the warmth of her touch._

_She cupped his face in her hands then began casting Cura on his head. Slowly, the pain began to disperse and when he could think straight again, he became aware of their proximity and the oh-so-subtle intimacy in the way she was touching him._

_He swallowed thickly as his eyes danced across her face, tensing with unease and a discomfort in his gut that he couldn't quite place but it felt a lot like being caught playing with a girl that all the other boys just knew had cooties…_

" _I was going to apologize but now forget it," he grumbled, his tone sarcastic yet somehow playful but not many people would pick up on the faint humor mingling between his words. He knew Tifa would though. She was one of the few people who understood him enough to translate his strange verbal and nonverbal cues._

_Tifa chuckled. "Want to just call it even?"_

It was moments like those that had made that journey bearable, especially after  _she_ was gone, when things got dark, when it seemed hopeless but now… Now he was alone and that made this particular hopelessness all the worse.

He found himself reliving those types of moments more and more as he spent more and more time alone. It made sense considering most of his time was spent with himself, his thoughts, and his memories. He was a slave to his own thoughts and delusions, a slave to his demented mind, which was something that no one would recommend.

As the memory faded, so did the side effects of Poison, permitting him to continue his journey to Midgar, to return to the rhythm that was his life now.

* * *

The days all bled together and he honestly and legitimately had no idea how long he'd been gone. Long enough he supposed, probably too long. It was just like one really long day that never seemed to end although his deliveries usually changed from day to day.

Everyday, he he'd do his deliveries and wander back into  _her_ church whenever he felt the need for some semblance of a home although deep down he knew this wasn't his home. It was where he came to torture himself and treat his Geostigma.

Sleeping there was uncomfortable but he couldn't bring himself to care. The longer he was sick, the harder it was for him to bring himself to care about anything but sometimes, in the silence of night, when it got quiet, he thought about what he left behind. He thought about Tifa and the kids.

Surprisingly, the little things were what he missed the most when he allowed himself to miss them. He missed Marlene and Denzel helping him with his maps and routes. He missed the way Marlene would tattle on him. He missed the way Denzel would always ask him questions while he watched him work on Fenrir. He missed making shoddy parenting decisions. He missed his silly conversations with Tifa. He missed being able to go to her room to find that she was just as restless some nights as he was. He missed coming home to see her waiting for him in quirky positions in that chair in the bar…

Yes, he thought about them. All the Mako poisoning and the experiments had messed him up, deadened him, but hadn't removed his heart. He hated being alone and thought about them but he would also admit he was doing that less and less. Somehow he'd managed to become even more detached. Going from town to town and hearing how incurable Geostigma was certainly didn't help matters either.

On each delivery, he'd try to find some news on the ailment but it was always the same. Wutai had even obtained a second "quarantine" hut and Yuffie had called again, wondering if he knew anything. Sadly, he had nothing to tell her. She'd come to him and Tifa looking for answers when the Geostigma outbreak started but nothing had changed. All he knew now was how painful it was firsthand but he wasn't about to share those details with her.

Cloud was to the point that he no longer asked about Geostima. He knew the answer. He was inadvertently coming to terms with the stigma and its inevitability and how helpless he was to stop it.

His Geostigma was still in the early stages but he could already tell he was losing vitality. Granted, he wasn't in the shape he was in when he defeated Sephiroth but he was  _far_ from out of shape. There wasn't a monster out there that he couldn't handle, which was kind of what started the whole delivery bit because he wasn't afraid of the monsters that threatened the areas surrounding the cities and towns, but he was slowing down. It took him longer than it should to take out certain enemies. He was off and his immunity to status effects was practically nonexistent. Eventually, he would end up like the many others he'd seen who succumbed to Geostigma. He'd be reduced to a blob of mangled, slumping flesh that couldn't hold its eyes open. What would he do then? There was no good outcome of this, which was why he chose to avoid it. He'd deal with it when he couldn't ignore it anymore. That was his approach to everything now because he simply couldn't handle anything in his life anymore.

Day after day, delivery after delivery, it was all the same until he got a particular call from Tifa…

"You got a call from Reno. He's in Healen. Says he's got work for you." She paused and even though he couldn't see her, he knew she was contemplating on whether or not to make the call more personable. "Cloud, how have you been?" she finally asked and he would admit it felt good to hear her ask about him instead of just parrot the information provided through the landline to him. It meant she still cared and that would always be refreshing. It would be something to motivate him later.

Cloud flipped his phone shut and shoved it back in his pocket.

Reno at Healen Lodge, huh? Interesting but why? What would Reno possibly want from him? This oozed of shady behavior.  _Reno_  oozed of shady behavior.

Having nothing better to do, he decided to at least humor him and if it was something he wanted no part of, he'd simply say he wasn't interested.

Positioning his sunglasses on his face, he shifted on Fenrir and prepared to head towards Healen but before he could jar the machine into gear, pain shot through his arm. He couldn't keep himself from wincing and twitching as if he'd been struck.

If Cloud had to describe it, he'd say it was like being stung by a really,  _really_ big Slap in the same place repeatedly at unpredictable intervals. The saddest part was he was getting use to it. He felt the pain and reacted to it but ultimately sighed and went about his business, which was exactly what he did this time too.

Once it passed, he jerked Fenrir into gear and took off into the wasteland toward Healen Lodge but something was off. For the first time in a long time, he felt a familiar, bone-chilling tingle run up his spine. Something felt off, something that shook his enhanced senses into action, something more than a regular monster, something that felt familiar and thick on the back of his tongue yet something he couldn't quite place…

He told himself it was nothing. He shook it off, insisting it couldn't be anything more than paranoia and Geostigma messing with his normally impeccable senses but no amount of disregard could shake the feeling of being watched.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> We are now getting into Advent Children territory but I will not be confronting that beast directly. I will reference it but the next chapter will be post Advent Children and by post I mean immediately afterwards. Honestly, I don't see the need to get into Advent Children material because most of you are already familiar with that story and what happens in it. I made no plans to write anything on it because I don't want to rewrite history or reinvent the wheel. My point in writing this story was to fill in the gaps and whatnot and I can't really see how I'd manage to do that in AC. So don't be surprised when we jump head next time.
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	5. Part V

* * *

_Hard times don't create heroes._

_It's during those hard times that the 'hero' within us is revealed._

– _Bob Riley_

* * *

_He walked into the church in a daze, knowing he was there yet not knowing he was there at the same time. He was detached as he usually was. He simply went through the motions and he continued to do so until he sensed something was wrong. He might have Geostigma and his mind might be hazy at best but his senses were always keen and he felt something wrong with his surroundings. Something was off._

_Aerith's flowers... Someone did something to her flowers. Petals were everywhere. Pews were turned over and destroyed and there was a black mound lying amidst the flowers. Black was wrong. He stared at that flowerbed countless times and there was never black in it._

_It clicked. He was hurled back to the Planet with painful awareness. He felt like he'd just gotten punched in the gut._

**Tifa...?**

_Unthinking, he ran into the flowerbed and hauled the glob of black upright and into his arms. "Tifa?"_

" _Tifa!" He shook her in desperation. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this scared or if he had_ **ever** _been this scared. He couldn't lose-_

_Not her. Not Tifa._

_She didn't move. She was supposed to move. This was wrong. He remembered this. She was supposed to stir, whimper, and tell him that he was late…but she didn't. She didn't budge an inch and she went cold and limp in his arms. She was pale, dirt was on her face, arms and neck, but there was no rose in her cheeks._

" _Hey," he said gently, brushing her hair off her face._

" _Hey," he repeated as if she merely didn't hear him the first time._

_Nothing. She didn't move. She didn't speak. She didn't breathe and suddenly he felt like he couldn't either._

" _Tifa!" Cloud shook her again but she was so limp in his arms his stomach lurched._

_This wasn't like the time he found her at the reactor in Nibelhiem. This was different. This was cold, hollow, empty, and harrowingly familiar. He'd been this close to death too many times before and he recognized it. It was like holding Aerith. It was like kneeling next to Zack._

_No. Not Tifa. Tifa was different. Tifa always got back up. She never left him. She was always supposed to be there. She was a constant. He refused to believe it. His mind couldn't process it so he kept yelling._

" _Tifa!" he shouted and his voice began shaking. "Breathe!"_

_His throat was dry. His eyes burned. His chest constricted. His stomach clenched. His bones locked up and his muscles hardened like steel. He was full of horrible yet familiar sensations that he_ **never** _wanted to feel again._

**Wake up, Tifa! You have to get up! You can't do this to me!** he wanted to yell but the words never made their way up out of his throat.

_He didn't know if he was angry or completely and utterly miserable. He didn't know what he felt more; anger or sorrow, they were at war inside him and he would die before there was a victor. He just knew it._

" _Stay with me… You stay with me." He was crying now, silently. It happened without his consent and he wouldn't have known it were it not for the scalding hot tear carving its way down his face._

" _Tifa…" He caressed her face but she didn't smile like she usually did when he touched her. She didn't lean in. She didn't do anything. She was pale and cold… Painfully cold… It was a cold that seeped through his gloves and burrowed into his bones._

" _No, please…" Cloud yanked her up and pressed his forehead to hers. "Please…"_

_He couldn't breathe for the violent shaking. He couldn't think but somehow managed to speak._

" _I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left. I should have come home. I should have told you about the Geostigma. I'm sorry… Please come back…" He said everything that he could think of that might stir her back to life. Anything that might she might want to hear; anything that could cause a reaction._

_Nothing._

_He held her. He just cried and held her. He couldn't will himself to do anything else. His forehead rested against hers as his silent tears kissed her cold cheeks. His hand was in her hair, the other against her neck that held no pulse. He wanted to stay there until he died too._

" _I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"_

* * *

Cloud crashed into consciousness, shaking and covered in ice-cold sweat. He panted as his eyes darted around the dark room and attempted to take in his surroundings.

He was in his room in Seventh Heaven. He wasn't in Aerith's church and Loz hadn't killed Tifa that day. It was just a dream, a horrible dream his mind had planted in his subconscious to remind him of his wrongs, to remind him that even though Sephiroth and the remnants were gone, he still had _a lot_ to deal with. The fog and his Geostigma were gone and he'd finally managed to begin to really and truly forgiving himself for failing to save those he cared about, but now there was a whole new world of forgiveness to confront. Now he had to make amends to those who were still here.

Cloud had come home to a world that had continued to spin on without him, and coming back to a world that had continued to spin on without him was hard. For some stupid reason, he'd been thinking that things would be just as he'd left them but he couldn't have been more wrong. It wasn't how he'd left it at all and now that his Geostigma was gone and his head was clear, he could see it vividly. He saw the pain and destruction he'd left in his wake. In the back of his mind he knew it was there but he didn't anticipate it to be this bad.

After Sephiroth had been defeated yet again, everyone was nice to him and more supportive than they ever should have been. They had lingered after the remnants were gone, attempting to bleed their little reunion dry before they were all forced to go their separate ways again.

Cloud was sad to see them go, not only for himself but for Tifa too. She'd been so happy with them there. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her so happy and he'd cringed at the thought of slaughtering it. He knew that once they were gone, they would be forced to confront the mess he'd made. The reality of it all would be back.

Honestly, he couldn't believe they'd stayed at long as they had. Why anyone still liked him after everything he'd put them through was beyond him. Perhaps they were used to him being broken. Perhaps by this point, it was simply a character trait. However, he constantly wondered if Tifa would really forgive him this time. He'd pushed and pushed and he knew that at some point she would stop coming back. Surely, even Tifa Lockhart had her limits.

Even though he knew his dream wasn't real, he still wandered to Tifa's room and peeked in to make sure she was there, and she was. She was sleeping peacefully on her side, her hair splayed all around her and her mouth slightly parted. He didn't dare cross the threshold into her room. He hadn't done that since he came back so once he saw her chest moving with slow, steady breaths, he left.

After checking on Tifa, he journeyed to the bathroom. He threw cold water onto his face and tried to forget about the dream and convince himself it didn't hold any relevance because it wasn't real. Tifa was alive. She didn't trust him as far as she could throw him, but she was alive. Briefly, he wondered if the dream was more about his fear of losing her emotionally than the fear of losing her physically but he couldn't bring himself to dwell on it. He didn't want to know what that dream meant.

Sighing, he stared his reflection down. He forced himself to look at it. It was a simple action but it was something he'd dubbed a major part of his healing process. Making peace with mirrors was one of the many things he needed to work on. Looking at himself had been something he avoided. He didn't like whom he saw. Cloud didn't really like himself but he was trying to learn to. In order to completely forgive himself, he would have to learn to live with himself. It would be better if he could learn to like himself but even that seemed at bit of a stretch at the moment. Sure, he was _a lot_ better now but these things took time. It wasn't an overnight process.

_One step at a time, Strife. Let's start with toleration then, go from there._

* * *

"I don't like crust on my sandwich," Marlene groused as she stared down at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Cloud had pieced together for her.

"I don't like mayonnaise," Denzel said matter-of-factly.

Cloud sighed, crossed the bar and picked up the sandwiches he'd made for them for what felt like the hundredth time. Every meal was a constant battle with these two. He either forgot something or mixed something up with each meal. Luckily he didn't have to cook for them often. He never really did but since Tifa was out getting groceries and supplies for the bar, they were on their own. Like it or not, he was all they had.

He sliced the edges off Marlene's sandwich and put Denzel's aside for himself to eat later and proceeded to make Denzel another turkey sandwich from scratch, this time without mayonnaise. Once he made the proper adjustments, he put the plates in front of them again.

At least he got their drinks right. At least he knew what they did and didn't like to drink. Baby steps.

Thankfully, this time when he put the plates in front of them, there were no objections. The children seemed pacified and _finally_ began to eat.

Relieved, Cloud sat on the counter and ate one of the many failed sandwiches lying around the bar. He'd hide the ones he couldn't eat before Tifa got home. He didn't want her to think he was completely hopeless and that he'd had to remake their sandwiches more times than he cared to admit.

Their picky nature was a testament to Tifa. They were picky because she'd been good to them. They were used to the way she did things. It wasn't necessarily the fact that he got things wrong, it was more about how they just preferred Tifa to him basically in all aspects of daily life. It was yet another blow but he accepted it because he'd caused it, and had no right to be surprised when they ran to her when something was wrong or when they needed something.

Eventually, Tifa came back, arms full of groceries. With a twitch of his mouth, he greeted her and helped her bring in her haul. She thanked him quietly and cast her attention back to the children, asking them about their day and if they'd done their chores.

Tifa was trying to be polite. He knew she was adjusting to having him back in their lives and that like everything else it would take time. She would smile at him but she didn't say much. It was like she was afraid of doing too much or not enough and if she didn't know how to confront this mess, he sure as hell didn't. All he knew was that he wanted to make it work. He wanted her in his life.

As expected, she was kind, reassuring, and supportive. She was trying to act normal, as if nothing had happened but he could tell she was terrified of the bottom falling out. She handled him as if he were a time bomb; one she had accidentally detonated a time or two. As a result, they lived in a stalemate and they avoided being alone in the same room together for longer than ten seconds. They didn't confront the past, thus it was impossible for them to move into their future.

Back in Nibelheim, Cloud recalled watching Tifa from a distance. He'd always wanted to talk to her but he could never find the words or the courage. He'd wanted to be accepted, noticed. He remembered how the other boys would tease him for staring at her and following her around like a lost, lovesick puppy. The memories were fresh because he felt _a lot_ like that now. Just like back in Nibelheim, he was staring at her from a distance without a clue of how to approach her.

* * *

That night, sleep eluded him as it sometimes did. He'd been sleeping better since he no longer had Geostigma but insomnia still found him from time to time, triggered by one reason or another. Sometimes a nightmare would wake him and the fear of it gripping him again would keep him awake. Sometimes it was because his mangled brain wouldn't stop churning. This time, however, it was a miserable combination of both. His mind wouldn't let him sleep. It wrestled with thoughts and memories both old and new, both real and forged. As a result, he wandered the house. He checked on the kids, checked the fridge for food (none of which appealed to him), checked the locks, and counted the money in the register. He finally got bored (but not sleepy) and could think of one other thing he could do.

With hesitant movements, he did what he'd been unable to do that morning. He wandered into Tifa's room, finally gaining the courage to cross its threshold since he'd returned. He used to go to her room a lot when he couldn't sleep and sometimes she would come to his. They would discuss what was bothering them or say nothing at all. The presence was what mattered; being near someone who understood was enough, someone who had some of the same memories and nightmares.

The lights were off but with the moonlight leaking through her window, he could see that she was lying on her side, her back facing him, her dark hair pooling on the sheets near her back.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared holes into her back. He didn't know if she was awake and ignoring him or if she was asleep and didn't know he was there. He supposed it didn't really matter.

For some reason, this reminded him a lot of the night the kids were gone, taken to the Forgotten City with Kadaj. The night Reno and Rude had brought him and Tifa back to Seventh Heaven after Loz attacked Tifa at the church and his Geostigma caused him to pass out with her in Aerith's flowerbed.

' _Which is it? A memory or us?'_

The memory still stung. Those words cut through him like a hot knife and they would leave a scar. He'd remember those words because they were one of the many said to him after the remnants arrived that spurred his much needed wakeup call.

After a few moments, she shifted around on the bed and turned onto her other side. Likely feeling his eyes on her, her own opened and regarded him quietly.

"Cloud?" Her voice was weak and thick with sleep.

Her eyes weren't as dark with hurt as they had been that night but there was still a distance in her eyes, in her body language. It was subtle in the way she didn't face him fully and how she didn't allow herself to look at him often despite him trying to make eye contact with her.

The silence was deafening and found himself staring down at the floor and listening to it.

"Please, don't hate me…" It was pathetic, clichéd, and stupid but it was all his damaged brain could churn out. Perhaps that was one of his biggest fears, earning her hatred, which spurred from his biggest fear: loss, loss in all forms. If she hated him, that meant he'd lost her.

It felt like it was too late, like he'd already lost this battle. It was over. It was too late to take all of it back.

"I don't hate you," she replied immediately. "I don't think I could even if I wanted to."

She shifted around on the bed again, pulling her covers back and moving onto her knees so she could finally face him fully. He glanced back at her and she smiled that same assuring smile he knew so well.

"I want to try," he said.

Tifa's brow creased with mild confusion for a moment but slowly smoothed out with understanding. His statement had been vague and it implied a lot and could be translated a number of ways but somehow he knew she'd understand.

Timidly she placed a hand on top of his. The touch was feather light and unsure. It was as if she were afraid her hand would go through him or that he'd yank it away. He did neither and she looked a bit surprised even though he could sense her relief.

"I can't make any promises but I want to try," he reiterated.

"That's all we can ask of you," she replied softly.

It wasn't much but it was all he had to offer. He didn't even know if he'd be able to pull it off but she seemed pacified. She seemed hopeful, like she could see some future that he couldn't. He just hoped _trying_ would be enough.

* * *

_Trying_ , as he'd put it, required him to make some pretty drastic changes. Trying meant taking fewer jobs. Trying meant helping out with the kids. Trying meant coming home even when he had jobs. Trying meant doing errands for Tifa. Trying meant reading to Marlene and Denzel and helping them with schoolwork. Trying meant attempting to be a dad. Trying meant actually being a part of the family. Trying meant being home more and being home more meant seeing the men lurking around the bar gawking at Tifa.

Cloud would admit that he was capable of being a hypocrite. He would also admit that he was capable of losing his cool and he just didn't like the men who came into the bar with no other purpose than to gawk at Tifa. Some of them didn't even have the courtesy to _pretend_ that they were there for the drinks.

It had been a long time since he had been around to witness things like this happen and he'd forgotten how much he despised it.

" _So are you like her brother or something?"_

Cloud's eyes left his map to lazily look at the patron addressing him. The man was sitting at the bar but had turned on the stool to face him. He was around his age with shaggy brown hair and steely eyes. He had a thin, clean-cut beard and wore a grey t-shirt with holey jeans. He was a regular. Cloud saw him often and apparently, he'd noticed Cloud's presence as well. He probably wondered why he was suddenly there several days a week and ruining his good time.

Cloud's hand tightened against his pen. "Or something."

Cloud had determined that the best way to deal with these men was to ignore them, which was why he was planning his routes for the following day during the day instead of at night with the kids like he normally did but sometimes, they made it impossible for him to ignore them.

The man's steely eyes narrowed at him as if staring at him harder would make his answer less vague. It wouldn't.

To avoid getting angrier, Cloud focused on his maps again as Tifa tended to the man's needs and humored him with conversation, a conversation that was a bit too friendly for Cloud's taste.

He couldn't focus. He was just staring at Icicle Village on the map but not visually taking it in. He couldn't even remember which delivery he was planning. He had even forgotten what he was doing at this point. The room was suddenly deafeningly loud although the bar with practically empty and his already keen senses were heightened to the point that everything was almost blurry and shrill.

_Don't be a hypocrite. Don't be a hypocrite. Don't be a hypocrite._

But he ached to be just that. He didn't like the shoe on the other foot. He didn't like to taste his own medicine. He could dish it but he couldn't take it. He'd proven that time and time again in situations just like these. In his eyes, no one was good enough for Tifa, not even him and definitely not this jackass. In some vague, ambiguous sense, Tifa was his. He'd marked her. It was understood. It was unfair but it was what he'd come to terms with. In one form or another, she was his and the primal part of his demented brain demanded he enforce it.

Once, after one of their patrons had asked Tifa on a date, Cloud had intervened. When the man left the bar, he'd looked her dead in the eye, and quietly said, _'He's not good enough for you'._ Tifa had then argued that he wasn't being fair, that he had no right to talk to her that way and to not say things like that to her. He concurred but he didn't take back what he said. In fact, he now felt himself on the verge of saying it again but tried to refrain. He had no right.

To keep from saying or doing something he shouldn't, he got up out of his chair (a bit too forcefully) and went to his room. He threw his maps upon his desk upon entry, put his hands on said desk, held his dead down, and drew in long, deep breaths to calm the swarm of confusing emotions raging around inside him.

"Are you mad?" Marlene inquired. She was standing in his doorway, quietly peering in around its corner. How long had she been there?

"No," he said softly yet curtly, his eyes staring holes in his desk.

The girl's brow creased cynically. "You seem mad."

"I'm not mad," he countered. This time he managed to look over his shoulder at her but his fingers were still curling against the mahogany of his desk.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm going to the garage to work on Fenrir. Wanna come?"

"Yes!" she cried, completely forgetting this conversation and bounding down the stairs.

"And tell Denzel he can come too!" he howled after her although he wasn't even sure if she'd heard him.

Cloud quickly changed t-shirts and followed but at a much slower pace.

He had hoped that working on Fenrir with the kids would make the thoughts go away. It didn't. They had followed them into the garage even though he'd successfully diverted the kids' (specifically Marlene's) attention.

They'd changed the oil, checked the air pressure, rotated the tires, and did about everything he could think of but the thoughts were still there tapping away at the front of his skull.

What if Tifa started seeing someone? It seemed _highly_ unlikely but his paranoia said otherwise. Cloud legitimately didn't know what he would do if that happened. He'd always made the lofty assumption that she would always be there so he never took the concept of her not being there into consideration. She would never abandon the kids but what about him?

"Shit," he hissed and threw down the wrench as blood began spilling everywhere. It was on the concrete, it was on his white shirt, and his pants, and he wasn't even entirely sure where it was coming from. "Denzel, hand me a rag."

Rolling out from underneath Fenrir, Cloud got to his feet and cradled his hand to his stomach in pain.

Marlene blanched at the sight of his bloody limb but seemed unable to look away as Denzel rushed across the space to find a rag. Once he found one, he rushed back to Cloud's side and handed it to him.

He applied pressure to the rip in his hand and bobbed his head towards the door. "Come on. I gotta take care of this."

"Are you okay?" Marlene asked as she placed a gentle, concerned hand on his arm.

Cloud looked down at her with soft eyes. "It's fine."

Holy knew he'd been through worse. This was nothing. He barely even felt it. He couldn't keep himself from thinking of how Sephiroth had attempted to chop him to bits and turned him into his personal pincushion not too long ago. Not to mention how he'd run him through (again) and how Yazoo had shot him in the back. Yeah. This was Cloud's equivalent of a paper cut.

With the kids on his heels, he reentered the bar, trying to be as discrete and quiet as possible. The bar was basically empty except for Tifa's boyfriend who was still trying to woo her and Cloud was hoping he could get to the sink without being seen. He didn't want to make a big deal out of this or call attention to himself.

"Marlene," he whispered and she ran to him as if she were his servant. "Can you go upstairs and get me some bandages?"

She nodded and made her way upstairs.

Silently, Cloud went to the sink on the other side of the bar, moved some of the dishes, unwrapped his hand, and began trying to clean the wound with running water.

"Think you'll need stitches?" Denzel inquired as he watched the blood slip off his hand.

Cloud shook his head. "It's not that bad."

"Cloud?" Tifa called.

_Well, so much for being discrete._

He wanted to curse again but Denzel with right there watching his every move and he'd already cursed in front of the kids today and really didn't want to again. Not to mention Cid Highwind had introduced them to a whole new realm of curse words before he left. Cloud would admit he struggled with cursing around the kids but he liked to think he was better than Cid.

"It's fine," he said before she ever had the chance to ask him what happened. He hoped she'd drop it and go back to talking to…Bert? He looked like a Bert.

"What did you do? Here, let me see." She rushed to his side and dug his hand out of the sink.

He tensed at the touch but resolved to let her take care of him. He'd hated turning her away so much when he had Geostigma he'd privately promised himself that if he ever recovered, he'd make it up to her for turning her away so much. However, that didn't mean it was easy. His instinct was to push but he refrained. He didn't pull but he didn't push. He just stood there.

"I cut my hand on something in Fenrir. It looks worse than it is."

Tifa nodded but didn't take her eyes or her hands off his. He'd cut the space between his thumb and index finger and Tifa was holding his hand in both of hers. One hand was wrapped gently around his thumb while the other was curled against his remaining fingers, holding them back and away from the cut.

"Marlene is getting some bandages. It'll be fine. You can get back to work." Cloud glared daggers at the man he'd privately dubbed Bert.

Tifa followed his gaze and rolled her eyes. "He can wait."

Marlene came downstairs with her arms full of medicine and bandages. She looked like she was ready to rid the Planet of disease.

Tifa motioned for Marlene to give her the medicine and bandages and Cloud had to practically bite his tongue in two to keep from saying he could do it himself. He _could_ do it himself. Not that well with only one hand but he could get the job done. Yes, he could do it himself but he really didn't want to say that to her anymore. She was offering, and if she was offering, he wouldn't turn it away. Moments like these were rare since he'd returned and he didn't want to spoil anything or uproot any progress he'd made at regaining Tifa's trust. He wanted to prove that things were different now.

Taking in a deep breath, he watched as Tifa wiped the oil and blood off his hand with the rag, cleaned it with antiseptic, and wrapped it up with bandages.

It was rude to stare but that was all he could do. He just stared. He stared as if he had never watched anyone dress a wound before. He watched her fingers, her eyes, her arms, her mouth, her brow, even the pulse point in her neck, anything that changed as she focused all her attention on the gash in his hand.

Her touch (even though it was subtle) was soft and warm but firm and sure. He'd forgotten how good it felt to be touched. He'd avoided it for so long.

"There," she said with a smile as she eyed her handwork with pride.

Her hands left his but before her fingers could fully slip off his, he gripped them and pulled her hand back into his. It was a frantic, jerky gesture, one that could almost be described as desperate.

"Thanks," he murmured.

Tifa's doe eyes went to their joined hands in surprise. She looked shocked to see him not only touching her, but also gripping her, firmly. Her composure was lost only for a moment before she recovered and smiled.

"You're welcome," she replied and gave his hand a squeeze before pulling away and going to the sink to wash his blood off her hands.

"Just take your clothes to the laundry room. I'll take care of them," she added as she scrubbed her hands.

He nodded and since he was no longer hiding evidence of Geostigma, he did as she asked. He no longer had qualms with her doing his laundry and for some reason, he wasn't really worried about _Bert_ anymore either. In fact, when he glanced back at the bar, he was gone and Cloud couldn't keep himself from smirking in satisfaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> I know there wasn't a whole lot going on in this chapter but as the chapter itself suggests, this is a weird transition period for our characters. It's right after Advent Children so things are a bit weird because I am one of those who believes that things didn't just go back to normal after Cloud defeated Sephiroth and the remnants and moved back in with Tifa and the kids. I'm sorry I just don't believe life works that way. In fact, one of my biggest Cloti pet peeves is stories set after Advent Children that have Cloud and Tifa all happy, spitting rainbows and shit... Sorry, I don't find that accurate or even realistic. Things like this take time and I believe everyone needs some time to regain their footing and that was kind of what this chapter was driving at. I apologize if it was too slow or lackluster but I will try to make it up to you next time!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	6. Part VI

* * *

_We are not made wise by the recollection of our past_

_But by the responsibility to our future_

_\- George Bernard Shaw_

* * *

It didn't take too long for Cloud to learn their little routine again. It wasn't too different from before—at least what he could remember of before. Before had the tendency to get pretty foggy.

He knew when they got up, he knew when they ate, when they attempted to do some form of schoolwork, and he knew when they went to bed. After some maneuvering, he had managed to somewhat wedge himself back into that routine when he wasn't out making deliveries. He still had his delivery service so he couldn't be home all the time and he still came in late sometimes but now he did everything in his power to keep those occurrences to a minimum. He really was trying to have more of a genuine presence at home. It wouldn't make up for all the time he had lost but looking back wouldn't change or help anything so he focused on impacting the future instead.

There were several minute differences in their routine here and there but biggest differences he saw were regarding Denzel and his Geostigma. There were no longer bouts of sickness and time dedicated to treating the stigma. Another difference was that Tifa no longer waited up for him. When he came in late, she wasn't there in her chair with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders. It just didn't happen anymore.

It hurt. It hurt more than he cared to admit. Undoubtedly, it was something she had gotten used to in his absence and he couldn't really blame her. No doubt waiting up night after night only to be met with disappointment finally took its toll. What's the point of waiting up for someone who never comes back? However, her bedroom door was always left open when he came in. He told himself she did this so she could hear his footsteps and the sound of his door shutting. He told himself she did this so she would know when he came home at night because he knew for a fact Tifa preferred to sleep with her door closed. There was also a possibility that she left it open for the kids but he chose to believe it was for him to keep depressing himself.

Cloud figured it was a form of revenge or karma. It was only fair that he be met by the disappointment of her not being there waiting for him just as she'd been forced to wrestle with the disappointment of him not coming home, but that never kept him from hoping against hope that one night he'd open the door and see her there again, curled up into a ball, attempting to make a bed out of a chair, her hair slightly tussled and her eyelids either closed or heavy from fighting sleep.

It was late. He'd had a long day of deliveries and he had tried to get back before dark but some things were unavoidable. He didn't know exactly how late it was but it was past the kid's bedtime. He'd certainly come in later but he knew there was no chance of catching the kids or probably even Tifa for that matter.

Quietly, he opened the door and locked it behind him. To his shock, when he turned to go further into the bar, the lights were still on and Tifa was at the counter silently washing dishes. It wasn't what he was expecting or what he had hoped for but he would by lying if he said he wasn't glad to see her there waiting for him in some round about (perhaps even unintentional) way.

He stood there for a moment and just stared at her, something he seemed to be doing more and more of since he came back. He would stare and just think of all the things he needed and wanted to say until he ended up saying nothing at all.

Feeling his gaze boring into her, she turned to meet it and smiled. "Hey. How was your day? Everything go alright?"

"Yeah. Everything went fine." His mouth twitched and curved up on one side.

"Good." She smiled again and nodded but kept her eyes on her task. "I'm glad."

He started to ask her how her day was and how she made it with the kids but he thought she might get offended given she had been taking care of them all on her own while he was gone. The question could be taken the wrong way so he left well enough alone. He felt he didn't have the right to ask, not yet anyway. Perhaps after he'd paid a few more dues…

Cloud ended up staring again, thinking the same thing he'd been thinking since he'd come back, that he was sorry. He was sorry and he wanted to apologize, truly apologize. He wanted to tell her he was sorry…for everything. He just didn't know how to express it. He felt awful about everything but he couldn't ever explain why…

Not knowing what else to do, he walked up to her and without warning wrapped his arms around her. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and his face nestled its way between her neck and her shoulder, hiding in the lush darkness of her hair.

It hurt having her this close, feeling her pulse thrumming against his cheek, the silk of her hair tickling at his forehead, the warm press of her upper body against his. It hurt but he was trying. He said he would try. He wanted to try to make it better…to fix himself and all the damage he'd done.

Tifa was tense at first, as if she were contemplating pushing him off her. She was probably confused by his abruptness but after a moment of unease, her arms wrapped around his waist and she buried her face in his chest. Oh, it was agony but it was also the best thing he had felt in _months._

"Tifa…" His voice was laced thick with implications and pain but he couldn't get anything to come out of his mouth other than her name. Feeling unsure again, he pulled her closer instead of pushing, as was his instinct.

"I know," she whispered and he reveled in the fact that she understood. She always understood. "It's okay."

Cloud could never thank her enough for simply being herself, for being the person who understood him better than anyone, for being his sanity, his constant support despite everything. It didn't matter how many times he just _knew_ she'd had enough, she was always there waiting arms outstretched, ready to be whatever he needed.

Standing there with her in his arms, he lost track of time. For once, he didn't want to let go. His instinct was to hold on this time. He didn't want to push it away before it hurt him. He instead wanted to hold on before it left. No, he would hold on and he wouldn't let go this time. He was tired of being afraid, of wasting time and waiting for the bottom to fall out. Bad things happened for so long that he didn't understand good things. He didn't know how to accept it. That was why being with them had been so hard. That was part of the reason why he'd shut down. It was a wicked cycle of happiness and misery. The happier he was, the more afraid he was that he would ruin it. He was guilty because he was happy. He was terrified because he was happy. Happiness was like a big pill he was being forced to dry swallow.

Sighing, he finally thought to pull away. Tilting her head back, her eyes rose to met his, and she placed a hand on his cheek.

"It's okay," she repeated with more conviction when she sensed and probably even saw his lingering unease.

His chest swelled with that terrifying feeling of contentment. He adored her, everything about her. The fact that she was beautiful was merely a bonus now. At first, her beauty was what lured him in but now her outward appearance paled to how stunning she was on the inside. He was lucky to have her but he didn't deserve her. Not even a little bit.

Her thumb eased across his cheekbone for a moment longer, her touch chaste and her eyes wandering over his features as if she were trying to see through them and into his damaged brain so she could read his thoughts.

"It's late. You should go and try to get some rest," she said softly as she detached her hand from his skin and turned back to finish the dishes. "The kids will want to see you in the morning."

Cloud nodded. "What about you?"

"I'm gonna finish the dishes then I'll go to bed too."

"I'll wait for you." He rounded the bar and sat down on a stool by the bar.

Surprise briefly flickered behind her eyes before she shook her head. "No. You don't have to."

"I want to," he countered.

She stared him down for a long-suffering moment, her face a mask of emotions he couldn't discern. "Are you sure?"

"Mm."

"Okay," she complied after a moment of hesitation, as if she couldn't decide if he genuinely wanted to stay or not.

Tifa plunged her hands into the sink, picking right up where she left off and soon began rambling about what the kids did that day and a weird story one of the patrons had told her. It was the most she had said to him consecutively and without the kids around since he'd come back and although he didn't say much, he listened intently and his mouth continually curved upward into his imitation of a smile.

* * *

It was Sunday and like most Sundays, business was slow and Marlene and Denzel were out playing with other kids in the neighborhood. Tifa was upstairs gathering the dirty laundry and Cloud was watching the bar as he worked on his routes for the following day. It was a peaceful and quiet afternoon, the late evening sun flowing through the windows and filling the room with a dull, calming orange glow. The orange reminded him of the orange in his mother's dress, something that was oddly comforting. It was almost like she was sitting at the table with him, shifting between making a meal for them and looking out the window to check on the kids.

The memory of his mother triggered other thoughts. He wondered what it would be like if she were still alive. What would she think of his little imitation of a family? One of the last times he had talked to her she had been hinting that she wanted him to settle down, preferably with someone older than him who would be better equipped to take care of him. Well, he had settled down a bit. He did the best he could although his mother would still probably push him for more. He was pretty sure this wasn't exactly what she had in mind when she mentioned _settling down_. She meant rings and churches and baby carriages, all of which made Cloud uncomfortable.

His mind continued to aimlessly unravel until he was in the middle planning out an order for Fort Condor. At that point, Marlene came barreling back into the bar.

"Denzel got in a fight!" Marlene declared without tact or restraint as Denzel slowly entered the bar behind her.

Cloud looked up from his maps to see a scuffed up Denzel glaring daggers at Marlene.

"Tifa!" she continued to cry before blazing up the stairs in search of the woman in question.

Reluctantly, Denzel looked over at him. One of his eyes was swollen. It would probably be black in the morning. His clothes were dirty and had several tears, and his hands were cut up, a few of his knuckles bleeding.

Without saying a word, Cloud rose to his feet and walked into the kitchen and began fixing a makeshift ice bag for Denzel's eye. Maybe they could keep the bruising to a minimum. He didn't know how long ago this fight had taken place but the sooner they got some ice on him, the better. Some Restore Materia probably wouldn't hurt either.

Head held low, Denzel sheepishly followed Cloud's footsteps.

"What happened?" Cloud finally asked.

"Are you mad?" Denzel countered softly, looking genuinely worried.

Cloud shrugged. "Depends." He wrapped a cloth around the bag of ice and handed it to Denzel.

The boy looked perplexed for a moment and merely held the bag, unsure of where Cloud intended for him to put it; on his busted lip, his eye, his hand…? The list went on and on.

"You're eye," Cloud stated.

Nodding, Denzel did as instructed, wincing a bit when the cold came into contact with the tender area.

"We can use some Restore Materia on you too but I think it's only fair for you to suffer for a little while. Tifa won't let you get off that easy and neither will I." Cloud's tone was low but not that stern.

"Sounds fair."

"So what happened?" he asked again.

Denzel took in a deep breath. "This kid…was making fun of me…"

"About?"

"Several things…" Denzel looked off.

Cloud's brow furrowed. "What…specifically?"

"A girl."

"Oh…"

"I know I should've ignored it but he kept on bugging me and then Marlene tried to help and he started being mean to her too and I finally just lost it."

Cloud was suddenly at a loss. He no longer knew how to approach this. How could he advise him without being a complete and total hypocrite?

_**FLASH** _

_He wouldn't shut up and the fact that he hated this kid anyway didn't help things. His mood was volatile. Tifa was still in a coma and he was beating himself up inside because of it. Everyone was blaming him, pointing condescending fingers at him and no one would let him see her._

_He had just wanted to help her. He was only on Mount Nibel to make sure nothing happened to her. It just looked bad._

" _Go away, Cloud. No one wants you here, especially Tifa." The kid had dark brown hair, a maroon cap, and an ugly face. His pudgy nose was too long and his brown eyes were too far apart._

" _You don't know that," Cloud countered._

" _It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know she hates you. Why wouldn't she? You pushed her off the bridge."_

" _I didn't push her…" Cloud's fists clenched at his sides. It was yet another warning. All the physical signs of anger were there. His eyes were narrowed. His shoulders were tense. His breaths were short. His fists were clenched. He was ready to blow. It would only take one more—_

" _Sure you didn't," the boy snorted, his almond eyes rolling. "You really are the worst. No wonder Tifa never wanted you around. I always knew you were weird but I never thought you were a murderer. If Tifa wakes up, she'll never go near you again."_

_That did it. Something almost audibly snapped in him and a thin curtain of red cloaked his eyes._

_Red. There was nothing but red, angry, hot, blinding red._

_Cloud tackled the kid to the ground near the well, the dry earth puffing and shattering in the wind from the fierce impact. Once he was down, Cloud pulled back and began channeling all that red down into his fists. He landed blow after blow, cartilage crunching and breaking beneath his knuckles. It felt_ **magnificent.**

_He'd show him. He'd show all of them. This would shut them up. This would show them that he wasn't weak. It wasn't his fault. He wasn't pathetic. He could save Tifa. He_ **would** _save her! If she lived through this, he'd make sure no one ever dared call him weak again!_

_As he continued bludgeoning the kid's face to a pulp, the red faded to pink and he wondered whom he was really trying to convince he wasn't weak. Was it really this kid or was it himself? It didn't matter. He just had to do something with all this rage._

_When he was about to bash his head into the ground, he was pried off him by several of the townsmen._

_The red melted away and he could see that it was now all over the boys face._

_**FLASH** _

" _What's gotten into you? Have you lost your mind, Cloud Strife? You are going over to his house first thing in the morning and apologizing."_

" _No," Cloud replied instantly, his tone clipped._

_Mother threw her washcloth into the sink. "Yes, you are!"_

" _Why would I apologize? I don't feel sorry."_

" _Who are you?"_

_**FLASH** _

He never apologized. In fact, it got worse. After that, he began picking fights for no reason at all. He fought even when he wasn't provoked. The irony of it was once he did that, the fighting seemed to never stop and now, he was sure if it were up to him, he'd probably never fight again. He'd had enough of it, more than enough to last a lifetime, but somehow he knew fighting was a huge part of his life and who he was and he would never be able to truly escape it.

"I used to get into fights when I was a kid too," Cloud admitted.

Denzel looked a bit surprised. "How come?"

"Different reasons. I mainly fought for the sake of fighting. I just…wanted to act out."

"Why?"

Cloud sighed. "Because Tifa got hurt and everyone blamed me for it."

Denzel looked down at his feet, bowing to Cloud's clipped tone. "So you aren't mad?"

"No, but you still have to deal with Tifa. I honestly can't be mad at you for doing something I've done myself but I can give you advice and tell you that that kind of fighting doesn't solve anything. No matter how many times I got into a fight, no matter how much better I felt in the moment, I always felt worse than I did before once it was over. I was still angry and hurt. It didn't change anything. Everyone still blamed me and I blamed myself."

"Tifa must've meant a lot to you…even back then, huh?" That was the first time Denzel had ever verbally acknowledged the strange dynamic between him and Tifa. He usually ignored it or said nothing of it. For a while, Cloud was pretty sure Denzel only saw Tifa as something that just happened to live in the same house as them and fed him from time to time. A solid connection between Cloud and Tifa wasn't made until later but that was partially because they were in a pretty bad place when he came into their lives even though Denzel did make things better for them. It was like he was… _theirs_ , like he was the last piece to their hodgepodge of a family, one of their last gifts from Aerith.

"Things were really different then but yeah, I've always admired her."

"Did you… _like_ her?"

Cloud blanched a bit but managed to hold onto his composure. "Why do you ask?"

"I just…there's a girl…"

"The one the kid was teasing you about?"

"Mm-hmm."

Cloud could see where this was potentially going and wanted to beg him to stop right there. He was in no way, shape, or form prepared for this kind of talk. Fighting was one thing. If there was one thing on the Planet that Cloud Strife understood, it was fighting, but girls? Girls were his weakness. His affinity for women had done nothing but get him into trouble, spurring one disaster after another…

"Denzel?" Tifa's voice resonated around them, effectively saving Cloud from this conversation and causing Denzel to grimace.

"What happened?" she cried and ran to his side so she could examine his injuries further.

"I told you, he got in a fight," Marlene reiterated, earning her another black look from Denzel.

" _Tattletale,"_ he hissed and Marlene shrank behind Tifa a little.

Tifa tenderly took his face in her hands and looked him over. "How badly are you hurt?"

Denzel grimaced again and pulled away from her touch, his face tinted red. He still had some reserves when it came to Tifa but Cloud noticed a _major_ difference in their relationship upon his return. He seemed much more open towards her and would sometimes even go to her instead of him now. Before, Denzel had always preferred Cloud to Tifa.

"It's just a black eye and a few scrapes," Cloud replied.

Tifa straightened her posture and folded her arms over her chest. "What were you fighting about?"

Denzel held the ice to his eye and looked away.

"It's not important. We've already talked about it," Cloud answered for him again.

Tifa gave Cloud a curious glance and Denzel a hard look before relenting. "Alright. You don't have to tell me but no Restore spells. No cheating your way out of the pain. If you're willing to get into fights, then you need to be willing to confront the consequences that come with it."

Denzel gave Cloud a one-eyed glance and he shrugged. He was with Tifa on this one. Hopefully, the discomfort and the shame of a black-eye would keep this from happening again and even if it didn't, he needed to know that fighting came with a price. Fighting causes pain and reaps pain. Like Tifa said, if he was bold enough to fight, then he needed to be bold enough to accept the repercussions of it, especially when getting off scot-free could give the wrong impression or send a bad message.

"Go upstairs and get cleaned up," she added.

With that, Denzel nodded and lumbered upstairs.

"And Marlene?" Tifa grabbed the girl's arm and lightly tugged her back before she could climb the stairs after him. "Don't bother Denzel about this, okay? You can go upstairs but leave him alone for a bit."

"Okay," she complied and journeyed upstairs as well.

Tifa sighed and there was a long pause where neither of them said anything.

"What was it about?" she finally asked.

Cloud walked back to his table and maps and sat down. "Some kid was teasing him about a girl."

"Oh." Tifa sat down next to him and twiddled her fingers for a moment.

"I tried to explain that fighting doesn't always fix things but that's kind of hard considering my background and how much fighting I've done. I tried to be honest but fair because I can't really scold him for doing something I've repeatedly done myself in one form or another." He shrugged a shoulder.

She nodded her agreement. "As long as you were honest. If it happens again, we'll try something else."

Trail and error; that was the way they parented…or at least how they attempted to parent. It hadn't done them wrong so far and until it did, he was sure they would continue to parent this way. It was reassuring to know that this aspect of their lives hadn't changed much. They still operated clumsily together even though some apprehension was still present but that was to be expected.

"So you think we handled it well?"

"I think so," he replied honestly because he did think they had handled it well. They weren't too strict and they weren't too lenient. He felt they had a balance.

She nodded and watched him for a while as he examined his maps and made notes of orders and routes. After a moment of contented silence, she reached over and placed her hand atop his. "I'm glad you were here."

His eyes left his routes to meet her gaze, his eyes wide and expectant.

Tifa's lips curved into a small smile and she squeezed his hand. "It's easier when you're here."

Cloud offered his own little mouth twitch in return and angled his hand towards hers so she could get a better grip on it and so he could brush his thumb over the top of her pinky and ring finger. He didn't surrender the appendage completely so their hands couldn't interlock or lace but he did position it so he could reciprocate the sentiment.

They seemed to lose themselves in that simple moment. She forgot what she was supposed to be doing and he forgot which delivery he had been working on. There was suddenly nothing but the feel of her hand and the warmth radiating off her skin into his. He had no idea how long they would have stayed like that if the phone hadn't rang and hauled Tifa away.

After giving his hand one more squeeze, she rose from her seat and crossed the bar to the landline. She cleared her throat and answered politely but her posture and tone immediately became very lax after her greeting. Cloud knew then that it was probably Yuffie, Cid, or Barret.

Tifa stood by the wall, leaning against it occasionally and shifting from one foot to another. She would chew a corner of her bottom lip and play with some of the shot glasses on the counter near her as she took turns listening and replying with the person on the other end of the line. Eventually, she hung up and returned to his side.

"Who was that?" he asked as he began filling out his latest form.

"Barret. He says he's coming to visit Marlene in a day or two."

Cloud's brow furrowed. He didn't know if he should be happy or uneasy with this news. For some reason, he suspected this was more than Barret wanting to see Marlene. This was probably about him wanting to check on him and Tifa too.

"Did he say anything else? Cloud asked casually, trying to sound indifferent, which was embarrassingly easy.

Tifa shook her head. "Nope. Just that he'll try to be here tomorrow or the day after."

She didn't seem the least bit concerned so his suspicion lessened a little but didn't completely dissolve. There was just something about this visit that had him uneasy but it wasn't like he could say no. He would just have to take whatever Barret dished out, something that would be undoubtedly easier said than done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> I've had several people ask me about the duration/length of this story and if it would be crossing over into Dirge of Cerberus territory. Honestly, I hadn't thought that far ahead but after mulling it over I'm thinking the story will probably end somewhere after Dirge of Cerberus. So we will be covering Dirge of Cerberus a bit. To what extent, I don't know but it will be addressed.
> 
> Next time we will finally be getting some fluff (or at least my imitation of it) and an appearance from Barret. I've caved and decided to do a Costa Del Sol chapter. I couldn't resist! It practically writes itself and I have a lot of the next chapter written already so it shouldn't be long before the next update, especially if I get good feedback for this chapter.
> 
> As always, thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed Part VI!


	7. Part VII

* * *

_Be not afraid of life._

_Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact._

_\- Henry James_

* * *

It was supposed to be a regular, routine visit. Barret was just supposed to get Marlene and Denzel for a _'fun-filled'_ weekend and that was going to be the end of it. It wasn't supposed to be different from any other time Barret came to see Marlene…but it was. Almost thirty minutes into their visit, Barret had decided that Cloud and Tifa needed to get out of town for the weekend more than the kids did.

Tifa had argued that she couldn't leave the bar, Cloud said he had deliveries to make, and both had disputed that it was an all around _horrible_ time to leave Edge but Barret wasn't taking no for an answer. So here they were…at Costa Del Sol on this awkward mini vacation of sorts.

Cloud half expected Barret to throw him and Tifa into a room at the inn, lock the door, and yell, _'Work it out!'_ from the other side while he and the kids went to have fun on the beach. He had no doubts that that was exactly what would happen the _instant_ he got the chance.

"You two need this. You need to get out of Seventh Heaven and you need to try to enjoy yourselves and have some fun for a change. Hell, you're only in your twenties but you two act like you're fifty!" Barret bellowed as he eyed their accommodations.

The inn at Costa Del Sol was just as Cloud remembered. The floors were wooden, the walls were wooden, and the beds had white sheets and dark green bedding. It was poorly lit with only one light and there were no windows, something he'd always found odd for a beach resort. There was also a chest of drawers, dressing table, and coffee table to be used as the guests saw fit. However, there weren't enough beds in one room for all of them so they had to pay for two separate yet joined rooms. Cloud had no idea how the sleeping arrangements were gonna work but he didn't dwell on it. He'd confront that beast later.

"Yeah, well, I've done more in my twenty-three years than most have done in sixty. It's no wonder we've aged prematurely," Cloud groused as he tossed his and the kid's bags onto the bed. Tifa and the kids had decided to check out the beach, leaving him with the luggage while he and Barret had paid for their rooms.

"Eh," Barret huffed even though they both knew good and damn well it was true.

Cloud wandered to the other side of the room and slouched into the chair near the dressing table.

"What the hell do ya think you're doin'?"

Cloud's brow knitted. "Resting…?"

"Nope. You're gettin' dressed and goin' down to the beach. C'mon." Barret grabbed Cloud's bag off the bed and threw it at him, the bag plopping onto his lap with a thick _thunk_ that caused Cloud to grunt.

With that Barret left the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving Cloud to grumble to himself as he dug around in his luggage.

* * *

Cloud couldn't remember the last time he wore swim trunks. He wouldn't be wearing any now if Marlene and Denzel hadn't complained about his original attire and said he looked like a weirdo in his normal clothes. Thus, he'd complied. Albeit begrudgingly.

It was comfortably warm and the sun was blinding against the bright yellow sand, making him wish he had followed Tifa's lead and brought his sunglasses. The sound of waves hitting the shore was as steady as a heartbeat and the water was so clear it barely held any shade of blue at all. The bottom (as well as all the shells, creatures, and fish) could be seen for miles.

Cloud had found a nice shaded place beneath one of the many white and blue umbrellas next to Tifa, watching Barret and the kids contentedly from beneath the shade.

Marlene was walking along the shore collecting seashells in a red bucket, Tifa was sunbathing (possibly napping) beside him, and Denzel and Barret were trying to construct a _massive_ sandcastle nearby.

Cloud was within arms length of Tifa but they weren't talking. Even though he had been back home for a while now, they still didn't talk that much, not like they use to. They were too afraid to. It was easier to not reopen old wounds, so they coexisted. They didn't want to upset the balance they'd found or cross the boundary that kept things civil and…uncomplicated.

Glancing at her from the corner of his eye, he noted her bikini was white but she had a short, red sarong wrapped around her hips for modesty's sake. Since the kids became a bigger part of their lives, Tifa had started wearing more modest attire but still seemed to try to hold onto some semblance her youth, something that was even more apparent in that swimsuit for some reason. Something about the atmosphere or the outfit or the way she was holding herself reminded him of how young she really was.

After a moment of sunbathing, Tifa sat up and stretched, holding her arms over her head and arching her back until the ends of her hair almost tickled the dimples in the small of her back (an action that admittedly caused his gaze to linger on certain physical aspects of her body for a bit longer than necessary), before she left him alone to inspect Denzel and Barret's creation

He didn't follow. Instead he continually grabbed fistfuls of sand and allowed it to melt through his fingers like liquid gold. He'd been staring at it slip through his fingers intently as if hypnotized so he didn't notice when Barret stormed up to him like a sea beast.

"C'mon, Spiky. Time to do somethin' other than sit on your skinny ass."

"I have my sand." Cloud smirked. "I'm content. I'm having fun."

Barret plopped down on the ground next to him, causing the sand to puff out around him from the sheer force. "I meant do somethin' with Tifa and the kids."

"I'm here, aren't I?" That in itself was an improvement.

"No, you're here without bein' here."

Cloud knew he wanted to add _again_ to that sentence but refrained because he knew he didn't have to. It was understood.

Unsure of how to respond, Cloud folded his arms on his raised knees and looked away.

"It ain't gonna fix itself, Cloud." Barret's tone was stern yet sincere. "You ain't goin' to regain anyone's trust by sittin' over here by yourself."

"…I know that."

"Then why are you—"

"I don't want to talk about this, Barret," Cloud snapped, sounding more exasperated than angry.

"I know ya don't but ya need to make some kind of effort or I'm not gonna feel comfortable leavin' you alone with 'em. I didn't know how bad things had gotten and that's my fault for not checkin' in more but if you think I'm gonna let them watch you self destruct _again_ , you're crazy. You need to get your shit together, so either talk to them or talk to me."

"Not interested."

"I don't know why I bother with you!" Barret growled and hauled himself to his feet. It never ceased to amaze Cloud how that particular phrase always got a reaction out of him. "I thought you were really gettin' better this time but I guess I was wrong. You're just gonna shut down and run away again."

"I am not…" Cloud whispered, his voice hurt, low, and far from convincing.

Barret ignored him and began walking off, and for some reason, that enraged him.

"I am not," he repeated a bit louder but Barret was _blatantly_ ignoring him now.

"I am not, Barret! You take that back!" Cloud shot to his feet and chased after him. "Take it—"

Before he knew what was happening, he was in a chokehold. Barret had him locked under his arm, the left side of his face pressed into his rough torso while his neck was being squeezed between Barret's forearm and bicep.

"If I were equipped with Materia…" Cloud seethed, clawing at the arm secured around his neck. His vision was filled with nothing but scathing sand. Barret had really gotten an embarrassingly good grip on him.

"But you aren't, are you, Spiky?" Barret taunted and held the gun barrel of his gunarm to his temple. Cloud knew it wasn't loaded…at least he hoped it wasn't. Surely, Barret wouldn't… Hell, he had a hand-like attachment made for the damn thing not too long ago! Why wasn't he equipped with it now?!

"Tifa! Papa and Cloud and fighting again!" Marlene squeaked.

"Barret!" Tifa raced up to them, Denzel and Marlene on her heels. "What's going on?!"

"Cloud wanted to fight. Ain't that right, Cloud?" Barret chuckled, his torso vibrating against him as he chortled.

Cloud growled in response and seriously considered digging his feet into the ground, gripping Barret's arm, and flipping him over his head and onto the ground but ultimately thought better for it. He didn't want to legitimately upset him and considering Denzel had gotten into a fight not too long ago, retaliating would be an extremely bad example to set.

"Good to know you still got some fight in ya and that you're still in there. I guess you aren't dyin' on the inside again after all," Barret added softly as he roughly tussled his blonde hair.

All of the tension left Cloud's body. Barret had purposely goaded him into this. He was testing him. What Barret said hurt but it was also strangely reassuring. He _was_ still in there. His will to live hadn't vanished with Sephiroth and the remnants but he knew Barret wasn't the only one afraid of a relapse and that Barret feared it more because of Tifa and Marlene, _for_ Tifa and Marlene. No, he hadn't been around to see it first hand and probably didn't grasp the extent of what it had really been like but he had eyes and a surprisingly good intuition and Marlene had a big mouth sometimes.

Pacified with Cloud's reaction, Barret released him and patted him roughly on the back. Once free, Cloud straightened his posture and rubbed his abused neck.

"Is it out of your system now?" Tifa chided, her hands on her hips. Marlene giggled and Denzel was hiding his smirk. For some reason, they always thought it was very funny when Tifa chastised him.

"I think so," he replied.

Tittering and whispering amongst themselves, the kids followed Barret back to their sand castle but Tifa stayed next to Cloud, her hands still firmly on her hips and that quizzical look still on her face.

"What was that really about?" she asked.

Cloud hesitated but eventually surrendered. "He accused me of shutting down again to see how I'd react."

_Dilly-dally, shilly-shally…_

"He's just looking out for Marlene. I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it."

"Probably not but I understand. I wouldn't trust me either."

Tifa frowned and looked up at him but seemed at a loss so she didn't say anything. However, she did place a hand on his shoulder in silent reassurance. Her hand traveled down the length of his arm until it gripped his fingers.

"Come on. Let's go help Denzel with his castle," she said gently as she began tugging.

After a moment of just staring at Tifa, he was finally able to will his feet into motion and allowed her to guide him across the sandy expanse.

* * *

The day had been full of sand castles, volleyball, and water fights, all of which Cloud had tried to participate in from time to time, especially after Barret called him out on his poor, anti-social behavior. He made pitiful sandcastles the kids laughed at. He bested Barret at volleyball. He blew up ridiculous inflatable toys for Marlene until he was blue in the face and bought everyone their favorite ice cream. He pretended not to hear Marlene and Denzel sneaking up on him while he sunbathed on the beach so they could douse him with a bucket of salty water. He didn't have to fake his reaction though. He'd been anticipating the water but he hadn't been expecting said water to launch up his nose, so his reaction (and the coughing fit that followed) was genuine. He even tried his hand at surfing with Denzel. He tried to help him get the hang of it but Cloud didn't know how to surf himself, so Tifa ended up shaming them both with her natural surfing abilities. Turns out she was naturally gifted.

That night Barret got drunk off seafood from a restaurant in the resort and passed out on the bed with Marlene curled up next to him like a cat not long afterward. Denzel had fallen asleep on the opposite bed a little while later after playing several card games with Tifa and Cloud. The cards were still scattered across his bed. When Tifa had eased Denzel under the covers and put the cards away, she'd missed a few.

"I think I'm sunburned," Cloud mused as he looked at his rosy arms. His fair skin could never handle much sun. He'd be on fire by this time tomorrow.

"I _know_ I'm sunburned," Tifa replied with a chuckle as she picked up their scattered clothes and towels, and draped a blanket over Barret and Marlene.

The little trip had been surprisingly refreshing. Barret had actually been onto something. After everything that happened, they _did_ need to get out of Seventh Heaven and away from Edge, just like shortly after Meteorfall he'd known that they needed to go out and drink and have a few guilty laughs together under a crumbling plate in Midgar, just like he'd known this new world of theirs needed a place like the new Seventh Heaven.

Cloud made a mental note to thank him for all of that later but like Barret had said, trust was still an issue and it would take more than a good day at the beach to fix that. Yes, they were kind and clearly happy to have him back and basically back to his standard of normal but things were often not as good as they seemed. Cloud knew that first hand and he hadn't forgotten the way Marlene had ran to Vincent in the Forgotten City and angrily asked him why he never paid any attention to them. He also noticed how the kids would always ask how long he would be gone or if he was leaving or if he would be there when they woke up. Even Denzel, the one who had arguably had the most faith in him, who had – according to Marlene – believed that he would keep his word and come back even after it was obvious that he probably wouldn't, still asked him apprehensive questions to make sure he wasn't going to walk out of their lives again.

Denzel and Tifa seemed more cautious than Marlene. They walked on eggshells as if they were terrified something they might say or do could send him over the edge and back into a downward spiral. The home that supported their tiny little family had a very poor foundation and Cloud took full responsibility for that and he would toil away until it became sturdier, until it was something safe to live on, something reliable.

Once Tifa was somewhat pleased with the state the room was in, she threw a thin, oversized sweater on over her bikini and made her way to the door. "I'm not really sleepy yet. I think I'm gonna go for a walk. Wanna come?"

Cloud nodded and followed her out the door, making sure to shut it quietly behind them to not wake the others.

Costa Del Sol was a completely different place at night. It was quieter, calmer and Cloud found he preferred this to the alternative. The sun was nice but he wasn't crazy about buzzing and the crowds.

The moon was full, giving the dark buildings, cobblestoned streets, and sand a pale, otherworldly glow. Trembling moonlight danced across the rippling water and almost turned the sand white as the snow in Icicle Village.

As he eyed the practically new surroundings, he noticed it was mainly couples and older adults out and about now. It was something he noticed almost immediately, and judging by Tifa's proximity, she had noticed too. She was walking beside him but she wasn't within reach as to not give people the wrong impression of them. Her arms were folded tightly over her chest as she alternated between looking out at the water and looking down at the sand beneath her bare feet. She'd glance at him occasionally but her eyes favored their surroundings.

Cloud had been trying to think of something to say but his mind was failing him, as it usually did. Tifa was usually the conversation starter and he'd just follow her lead. She hadn't started anything but he found he didn't necessarily mind. The quiet was nice and he was enjoying the rhythm of the waves beside them. Occasionally, Tifa would venture out to the tide and allowed the flood to lick at her feet, causing the moon kissed water to leave glistening crystal drops on the bottom of her legs and feet. The movement was something very simple yet oddly endearing.

"It's nice. Isn't it?" she said softly.

"It is," he agreed but wasn't sure if he meant their surroundings or the way she looked when amusing herself in the waves.

"I really didn't want to come but I'm glad we did."

"Me too. I didn't realize how much we needed...normalcy—at least our imitation of it."

"Well, it's kind of hard for us to recognize. We don't really do normal well."

Truer words had never been spoken and seeing all the normal couples scattered around only reiterated that fact. Normal people were holding hands. Normal people walked shoulder to shoulder. Normal people sat in the sand together and leaned into one another, much like how Tifa laid against him under the Highwind… She'd stayed there all night and to this day he was pretty sure she would have stayed there forever if he hadn't forced them to get up. Their position had mirrored those around them almost perfectly… That was a long time ago though but even then they had been far from normal.

Eventually, Tifa plopped down onto the sand and patted the spot next to her. Obediently, Cloud sat down beside her.

"You should take your boots off. The water feels good," she mused as she wriggled her toes in said water.

For a moment, Cloud thought of humoring her. His eyes narrowed at the water as it inched closer and closer to his booted feet and he briefly wondered how much truth there was to Tifa's claim. How good _did_ the water feel? Ultimately, Cloud decided he could live without ever knowing the truth. His life would be no less rich from denying himself the experience of feeling water on his feet.

Cloud shrugged. "I've felt water before."

"Okay," she drawled. "But you're missing out!"

That made him smile. He couldn't even say why, but it made him smile. It was the airy melody to her voice that got him. It was the tone she often got when she was happy or trying to lift someone's spirits. It was just… _infectious._ It was also uplifting and he realized he had really taken her personality and her magical people skills for granted over the years. Honestly, he didn't know how he would have made it through any of his life's catastrophes without her.

He sighed and folded his arms over his raised knees, glaring out at the sea but feeling strangely content, warm. The fog in his head sometimes threatened to come back even though his Geostigma was gone. It followed him around like a shadow, coming and going like the tide, sometimes stronger and more aggressive than others but never quite as bad as before Sephiroth and his remnants returned. He would recall one memory or another and follow them along as if he were jumping atop a train from one cab to the next until he stumbled upon something unpleasant or forgotten, making his eyes play tricks on him and pulling him into that dark, foggy, forbidden place in his head. Even now the ocean swell before him threatened to tint red with blood, blood he had spilled, the same blood that had once been on his hands, blood that should have never been spilled at all…

Instinctively he pulled his feet a bit further away from the rising waves.

"I can hear you thinking," she whispered, her eyes not leaving the water.

"It's that loud, huh?"

"Mm-hmm." Tifa idly buried her feet in the damp sand, cocking her head to the side as she watched them vanish.

"Sorry."

"I don't mind. I just wish I could read your thoughts."

"They aren't that interesting. You'd probably get bored."

_Or scared…_

"No offense, but you're too complicated to be boring." She giggled softly.

He smirked but he doubted she could see it with his mouth buried behind his raised arms.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Tifa turned, pulling her feet out of the mushy sand and shifting her weight to one hip so she could look at him directly.

"I'm fine…right now but it's still kind of…hard sometimes."

Tifa nodded. "Some days are better than others and it'll probably always be that way but that's okay as long as you don't drown in it, as long as it doesn't keep you from living."

He looked over his shoulder at her, his eyes meeting hers intently. "It won't. _I_ won't. It's different now."

She smiled. "I know. I can see it."

They sat there in silence for a moment longer and then Tifa was rising to her feet, something that was surprisingly disappointing. He frowned as he watched her move, knowing moving might shatter the contentment and warmth he felt. Here, the world was small and safe...

"Not yet," he commanded as he snatched her arm (something that had become a nasty habit of his lately) and gently hauled her back down into the sand. He had found a serenity here and he didn't want to lose it. Moments of clarity and tranquility were so rare he felt inclined to cling to them and milk them for all they were worth. He never knew when the next bad day would come or just how bad it would be.

Tifa looked at him blankly a moment before repositioning herself on the ground, this time much closer to him.

He held onto her arm, his eyes big and pleading for things he didn't know he wanted, things he didn't understand…but she did.

Uncertainty flashed across her features briefly before she complied with his silent plea and closed the gap between them. She tentatively leaned into his shoulder a few times, like a frightened bird deciding whether or not it wanted to risk hopping into someone's opened palm for birdseed before finally resting her head against it and looping her arm through the arm that was still holding onto her.

Silently, he lightly rested his head atop hers, letting their hair mingle together, a mesh of contrasting colors.

Like always, there was a moment of hesitation where he wasn't entirely sure how he felt about the physical development. He was always more confused than anything but once one sensation overwhelmed another, the confusion would dissolve and then there would only be the cozy smell of toasted sugar in her hair, the silky tickle of her hair against his collar and chin, and the warm caress where patches of her exposed skin touched his own. How could he turn away from something so inviting? How could it possibly be bad? Thus, caution was tossed to the wind.

Gradually, her breathing slowed and he realized she was dozing off. They long day had finally caught up with her and she had left him alone with his thoughts, his musings but they were always a little less dark with her so close. He could feel her breathing and warmth was radiating off her and into him, a sensation that wasn't unfamiliar…

_**FLASH** _

_They were going to die out here. They would not be killed by Sephiroth. They would not be done in by the turks. They would not be executed by Shinra. Cloud's merry little band of misfits was going to be defeated by the elements, specifically snow. How pathetic…_

_Somehow, they had managed survive another day and the worst of the Great Glacier and its frigid temperatures was supposedly behind them. However, the area was still ridiculously cold and everyone was complaining about losing fingers, toes, and other…_ members _but they had preserved regardless and had finally crossed a threshold where the cold was no longer as intense or as life threatening, giving them the opportunity to stop, regroup, and set up camp. Hopefully, this would be the only time they would have to make camp in the snow…in this inhospitable, never ending maze of ice, mountains, and glaciers. To make matters worse, they were running low on supplies and tents, so they had to ration them and use them sparingly, which (in addition to the intense cold) also meant lots of close proximity with various people._

Damn the Great Glacier. Damn Gaea's Cliff. Damn the Northern Crater, but most of all, **damn Sephiroth.**

 _After scouting the area for enemies once more with Vincent and Red XIII, Cloud returned to the pitiful tent (which was_ barely _resisting the elements) he would be sharing with Tifa, Yuffie, and Barret. The latter were already asleep. Barret was snoring and Yuffie was wedged between him and Tifa, the monstrous snoring having no effect on her._ _Tifa, however, was awake and was currently a mountain of blankets and the only part of her body that was visible was her face._

_Tifa had taken to the cold poorest of all of them._

_"Need another blanket?" he asked. They had bought several at Icicle Village. Cid swore they were more cardboard than cloth but they would have to do._

_"I need an electric blanket set to the highest setting possible," she replied._

_"I'm fresh out of electric blankets," Cloud mused, his tone dry and sarcastic._

_Tifa managed to smile anyway. "I figured but a girl can dream."_

_He kicked off his snow-covered boots and shifted around quietly as he could, trying to figure out the best place to lie down. He wanted to at least_ **try** _to sleep tonight._

_Watching his eyes and movements intently, Tifa shifted around and tried to make room for him. "Do you want between me and Yuffie or between me and the tent siding?"_

_His brow furrowed as he weighed his options. Yuffie kicked and wriggled in her sleep. He knew that from experience. One of her feet got_ **very** _acquainted with a_ **very** _intimate body part of his not too long ago. She was a poor bedmate/tentmate. Given the choice, Cloud preferred sharing rooms, beds, tents, etc. with Vincent, Tifa, and Red XIII (and Aerith but she wasn't with them anymore…). Cid tended to talk/curse in his sleep and discharged unpleasant bodily functions throughout the night, Barret snored like a freight train, and Cait Sith was...Cait Sith._

_Deciding to choose the lesser of two evils, Cloud tried to squeeze between Tifa and the side of the tent, which was rippling and flapping around violently thanks to the wintery air still swirling all around them._

_Once he was in a somewhat comfortable position on his back, Tifa handed him a few of her excess blankets, which was a huge sacrifice on her part if he knew how much she hated the cold. And he did._

_"Thanks."_

_Almost immediately, Tifa lied down and it made him realize she had been waiting up for him, like always. There was rarely a night when she went to sleep before him. She seemed even more determined to make sure he was safe and at least attempting to sleep after Aerith's death._

_Cloud hadn't slept since he'd dreamt of Aerith, since he dreamed of her telling him she was going to the Forgotten City… He would lie down and close his eyes sometimes but he never slept enough to constitute dreams. This night would be no different. One arm tucked behind his head, he blankly stared at the top of the tent with shadows of Cetra, Ancients, Calamities, Mako, and Materia swirling around in his head. His eyes glazed over until the material of the tent began rippling less like fabric and more like water, like the dark water at the Forgotten City, like the water he had laid Aerith to rest in…_

_He suddenly felt like he was about to drown, like he was underneath all that water with her, like the protective bubble around him was about to burst and all that water was going to come crashing down around him in a huge, gushing torrent powerful enough to crush and splinter every bone in his body._

_It was about to pop. He could almost feel the water drops falling down onto his face._

**Drip, drip, drip…**

_The delusion was so real that he blinked and flinched as if the cold droplets were actually hitting him, as if they weren't only real in his head._

**Drip, drip, drip…**

_The cold was bone deep and suddenly the watery material overhead began producing icicles, water slipping down the sharp jagged slopes and threatening to trickle down onto him. Cracks began forming along them and his eyes narrowed as the icicles began fracturing like glass, ready to fall onto him and impale him where he laid but before it could, something warm was against him, warding off the intense cold._

_Looking down at his chest, he saw that at some point during his waking dream, Tifa became a heat-seeking missile. She (or the mountain of blankets that had swallowed her up) was suddenly against his side, melding into him, seeking the little warmth left within the tent. He was a few seconds from gently prying her off but he realized she had the right idea. It was much warmer with her this close and it was spreading like a virus, making the sensation even more agreeable to the point that it was physically impossible for him to turn it away._

_Oddly enough, at one point in his life, he would have been thrilled to have Tifa this close. There was a time when he wanted nothing more but now that he actually had it, he was almost indifferent to it and not just because it was so freaking cold that he was numb. It was because things were so different now. He had thought about her lying on him just like this and now that he had finally gotten it, his first instinct was to get away from it even if he did ultimately choose against it._

_Slipping down into the blankets around them, he decided to humor her until he was a little less cold._

_He could smell her. Her smell was all in these blankets and she smelt like toasted sugar. It was a warm smell, making the sensation of her even cozier and soon he was turning and gravitating towards that huge bundle of blankets Tifa was in, closer and closer until he connected with skin, her skin. Then he knew he was close enough, probably too close but at that moment that really didn't matter. What mattered was the warmth leaking off her skin, the intoxicating feel of her hand clutching his shirt, and how she was trying to hide her face from the cold in his shoulder…_

_**FLASH** _

"Cloud."

_Cloud opened his eyes to Vincent, unsure of when he had fallen asleep in the first place but he and Tifa were all tangled up together in the abundant blankets, almost literally attached at the hip, like she was a parasite trying to suck all the warmth out of him._

_"What is it? What's wrong?" he drawled, his eyes struggling to adjust to the brightness all the daylight reflecting off the snow outside the tent. He couldn't remember which side of the tent he'd left his buster sword on. He hoped that whatever was after them wasn't powerful enough that he would need it right away. Maybe he could help them tackle it with Materia…_

_Tifa's head peeked out of the blankets and carefully released the death grip she had on the fabric of his shirt. He didn't know if it was the cold that caused the blood to gather in her cheeks or embarrassment._

_"It is time for us to get moving," Vincent said matter-of-factly._

_"What?" Cloud reeled. He was so confused. "We overslept?" He busted out of their tangled blankets and began stumbling and hopping across the space in search of the boots he'd kicked off in the night._

_"Why didn't someone wake us?" Tifa asked, looking appalled and embarrassed on several different levels._

_"Barret said Cloud needed the rest and that it would be wrong of us to wake you." Vincent shrugged. Clearly, he hadn't been aware of Cloud's insomnia. Hell, Cloud didn't think anyone was, least of all Barret! Cloud appreciated the concern but now was not the time to show it. This was no time to be oversleeping._

_As he clumsily hauled his boots back onto his feet, he looked back at the girl he had forgotten in his haste. Blankets still around her shoulders, she began picking up the bedrolls and blankets Barret and Yuffie had left behind in the tent. In that moment, he realized why he had overslept. It was because of her…but not in a bad way. Having her against him had calmed the storm raging around in him enough for him to finally and fully fall asleep to the point that he had actually_ **overslept** _. He would probably even still be asleep now if it weren't for Vincent! She was one hell of an anesthesia…_

_"What?" she asked when she caught him blatantly staring at her. She glanced around the tent to see if something was behind her or if there was something more interesting within the space._

_"…Nothing."_

_**FLASH** _

Cloud craned his neck and looked down at Tifa before casually resting his cheek upon her head again, feeling the warmth of her forehead against it. Her warmth had the same effect on him now even though it was _a lot_ warmer on this beach than it had been in that tent.

He let her rest against for a while and contemplated letting her stay there until sunrise but decided she would be more comfortable in a bed back at the inn. He started to wake her several different times before he finally followed through with it. It was much like under the Highwind two years ago. He just couldn't bring himself to disturb her, partly because she seemed so content and partly because he didn't want to world to start spinning again. However, he managed to disturb her then and managed to do so again now. Gently, he pulled away and shifted behind her.

"Tifa…"

"Hmmm?" she replied even though she was clearly still half asleep. That didn't keep her from faking it though.

"We should head back."

She jolted against him, becoming aware that she had dozed off.

"Oh! Right!" Tifa detached herself from him and got back to her feet as if she hadn't been leaning against him at all.

She took a few steps forward before slowing down so he could catch up, a smile blossoming across her face as she watched him, a smile much like the one she had when she watched him rid Denzel of his Geostigma.

He caught up with her with a few good strides and followed her back toward the inn, but this time she was walking closer to him. This time she was within reach. He could snatch her hand or wrap an arm around her if he wanted to. He wouldn't but it was nice to having the option. She was approachable now and that was a victory.


	8. Part VIII

* * *

_And the little prince said to the man,_

" _Grownups never understand anything for themselves,_

_And it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them._ "

_\- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry_

* * *

Their little mini vacation had been nice and much needed but Cloud was surprisingly glad to be back in Edge. As nice as Costa del Sol had been, Cloud was glad he no longer had to guard Tifa from all the _dudes_ who lurked around on the beach. However, the weekend with Barret was undoubtedly nice and leaving had been surprisingly bittersweet, especially for the kids. Everyone knew that the magic would probably wear off once they returned home. There would be no more shared beds, no more goofing off, no more pretending their troubles weren't still out there, and Cloud would no longer have excuses for sharing a bed with Tifa.

When they'd come back to their room after their walk that night on the beach, they'd sat on only one bed even though the room had two. They'd bought some snack food on their way back up and stayed up half the night talking about said junk food. They'd discussed why they preferred milk chocolate to dark chocolate and why Tifa hated jellybeans and why black ones were Cloud's favorite, which lead to debates as to why cookies with nuts were or weren't better than cookies without. Cloud had taken a stance with the latter.

Each night, after Barret and the kids went to sleep, they talked aimlessly like they used to, those silly little conversations about nothing that seemed to happen naturally were finally back again. Cloud was at his most talkative when they conversed like that. As strange as it was, it was just easier for him to ramble about nothing with her than in any other circumstance.

Eventually, they would lie down on their backs side-by-side and stare at the ceiling while they continued to ramble and the ceiling was always the last thing he would remember. The next thing he knew, the kids would be barreling into the room and his limp arm would be draped carelessly over the curve in Tifa's side and his forehead would be pressed between her shoulder blades.

It had been a long time since he'd slept next to her like that. He forgot how good it felt. In truth, he'd forgotten that things could feel good at all. For so long, existing had been nothing but hunger and pain. He hadn't realized how much he'd really and truly missed her until he'd gotten close to her again. He'd missed her smell, her feel, her voice, her presence, everything and after they left Costa del Sol, he found himself more and more tempted to sneak into her bed like he used to but the vacation was over, gone was the tropical ambiance and the excuses to do things that weren't normally acceptable. The kids had to return to their schoolwork, Barret had to go back to Corel, and he and Tifa had to go back to work _and_ back to sleeping in separate rooms.

Barret went back to Corel shortly after they returned, still dealing with his past and Cloud couldn't reprimand him for that. He'd even been jealous when he'd said that was what he wanted to do two years ago. He'd wanted to do the same thing but Barret said that he could do that here and he'd been right. Running away hadn't been the answer but that hadn't kept him from running…

Pushing the thoughts away, Cloud dismounted Fenrir and began walking towards Seventh Heaven. After a long day of deliveries, Cloud was ready to be back home. He had actually begun looking forward to coming back to his own bed. It was a vast contrast to before when the thought of returning to Seventh Heaven used to put his stomach in tight knots. It no longer caused him anxiety or pain. It was an uplifting realization. It was encouraging. Maybe he was really and truly moving on and getting better. The thought made his mouth curve into a self-satisfied smirk but it fell when he crossed Seventh Heaven's threshold.

Cloud had been expecting to find Tifa waiting for him at the bar and was looking forward to talking with her before ultimately going to bed, but when he returned to Seventh Heaven, he was shocked to see a certain ninja at the bar instead of Tifa.

"Yuffie?"

"Hi!" she yelped as she jumped off the counter.

"Aren't you supposed to be in Wutai?" he asked as he shut the door behind him.

"Tifa had to go out for a while and didn't know how long you'd be gone so she called me to babysit!" Yuffie cried triumphantly, placing her hands on her hips and striking a victory pose. Unimpressed, Cloud walked around her and began rummaging through the fridge for something to drink.

"Is that all you're gonna say?!" she gaped.

He shrugged. " _Should_ I say something else?" Yuffie was just one of those people who never understood his communication or lack thereof. Anything he said was never enough, there could _always_ be more.

"Well, you could," she argued, a bit flabbergasted.

He took a bottle of water out of the fridge and popped the top off it before sitting down at the bar. "I could but I don't really see what else there is to say on the matter. I guess we could change the subject though, so I'll ask about the kids. Did they give you any trouble?"

"Nope! They were really good but they are still a handful."

"That's because they're kids. Kids are work."

"True," Yuffie said and paused for a long time before squinting her eyes at him and asking, "Are you sure Denzel isn't yours? He acts _so_ much like you sometimes."

"Yes," he replied without hesitation. Cloud had never reached a level of sexual activity that would result in a long-lost bastard son… However, if Tifa was right and Aerith had intended Denzel for them, then it wouldn't be surprising that Aerith had picked him specifically because of the similarities between them.

"So where did Tifa go?"

Yuffie shrugged. "She didn't say."

That was a bit more than mildly unsettling and apparently, his expression divulged that because Yuffie picked up on his dismay.

"But I'm sure it's nothing! She probably just had some errand to run and didn't want you to abandon your job." Yuffie was trying pretty desperately to salvage his mood.

Cloud shrugged, trying to regain his air of indifference. He didn't know if he'd pulled it off or not because the longer this had time to sink in, the more genuinely upset he was. Why wouldn't Tifa just call him and ask if he could watch the kids? He could have canceled a job and even if he couldn't, she could have at least asked instead of assuming. Maybe things weren't improving as much as he thought. Yes, he was better but there was still _a lot_ they needed to work on and discuss. Barret was right. They needed to talk before anything would really and truly be resolved, if they _really_ wanted to heal.

Wanting to distract himself from all that he still needed to work on and if he were truthful, all the things he _didn't_ want to work on, he began talking to Yuffie about Wutai. When he said talking, he meant asking a subtle question and listening to her ramble for thirty minutes afterwards.

It amused him at how much easier it was for him to talk to Tifa even though Yuffie far from quiet. He liked listening to Yuffie but it wasn't the same. They just had a different dynamic.

For some reason, somewhere alone the way, he let Yuffie talk him into tasting a drink she concocted herself. He'd countered that she was only eighteen but she'd countered that she could get a bartender license at eighteen in Edge. She just couldn't drink anything she mixed or served.

Unable to stand the whining and the begging for too long, he'd complied and tossed back whatever it was she mixed together. After it went down his throat, he was certain it was liquid Firaga.

"What did you give me?!" He rasped and massaged his burning throat. "Firaga in a glass?!"

"Maybe?" She giggled and inspected one of the bottles. "I'm not really sure what this is but it looked pretty when I mixed it together…"

"If I die…"

"Oh, toughen up, you big baby! It's not that bad," she interrupted, smelling her brew.

"That's easy for you to say. You didn't drink it!" Cloud coughed.

"Here." She began filling his shot glass again, this time with something that looked like some form of tequila but he wasn't sure. "Use this to wash it down."

He didn't need another shot of whatever was in that glass but he was desperate to rid himself of that god-awful taste even though his head was already swimming a little bit. He had never been a heavy drinker and would admit he was a bit of a lightweight.

Cloud tossed it back with a grimace and then slung the glass back to her. "No more."

"Why am I not surprised to see that Cloud Strife is a lightweight?" she mused. "You didn't even drink all of the first one!"

Just as Cloud was about to make a sarcastic comment about his drinking prowess, Tifa entered the bar and Cloud would be lying if he said that he hadn't visibly brightened at the sight of her. The alcohol was messing with his head, making him a bit more responsive than normal, which was one of the reasons why he wasn't crazy about drinking. He liked having his wits, he liked his self-control but at that moment, just enough of it was gone for him to be translucent.

_That or I'm already_ **that** _attached to her…_

"I leave you here for a few hours and you already have him drunk?" Tifa reprimanded lightheartedly. "See if I ever ask you to babysit again."

"Oh, please! He is buzzed _at best_!"

Tifa rolled her eyes and made her way across the bar, likely moving in to see how much of a mess Yuffie had made behind the counter.

They jokingly conversed for a moment about Yuffie obtaining a bartending license and they even made fun of how he was a lightweight for a good five minutes. Lastly, Yuffie updated Tifa on the improving conditions in Wutai for while before ultimately deciding to go home. Tifa saw her out with a hug and locked the door behind her.

"Where were you?" he asked almost immediately.

"Reeve called. He'd wanted to talk to me." Tifa returned to the counter and began putting away the bottles and glasses Yuffie left on the counter.

Cloud frowned. "What did he want?"

She shrugged a shoulder. "Nothing in particular. He just asked a few questions and told me a few things about the WRO. Basically he was seeing whether or not we would be willing to help them out if the need should ever arise. I told him we'd think about it."

"Why didn't he call me?"

She shrugged again. "I think he wanted to run all of it by me first so I could soften you up. He seems to think I'd have a better impression on you."

"Why didn't _you_ call me?" he countered, Reeve and all this WRO shit be damned.

Tifa seemed taken back. "What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you ask me to come home and watch the kids?"

"I knew you had a full day and I didn't know how far you were from Edge. You wouldn't have answered anyway and who knows when you would've checked your voicemail…"

"You could've asked. I would have come home."

"I didn't want to bother you with it. It just seemed…easier to call Yuffie." Her eyes stayed low, avoiding his.

That hurt. That hurt a lot because it said _a lot._

"Next time at least try to contact me so I'll have a fighting chance." He sounded offended and slightly angry because he was.

Suddenly, it was Tifa's turn to look wounded. "I'm sorry. It hadn't seemed like a big deal at the time. I didn't think it would bother you…"

In her defense, it probably _wouldn't_ have bothered him when he had the stigma…but he didn't have the stigma anymore.

"It's fine and I get your reasoning but…" Cloud scratched the back of his head. "But I need you to give me a chance, Tifa. I need you to trust me enough to give me a chance to prove myself to you and to the kids. I can't earn anything if I'm not given the opportunity."

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. "I'll try to do better. I'm still adjusting to this…version of you. I'm sorry."

Sighing, he rose to his feet and walked around the bar, planting himself behind her. Not wanting either of them to go to sleep upset, hurt, or angry, he wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck.

She stopped washing the shot glass and placed it gently on the counter but didn't look over her shoulder at him or return the gesture. She kept her hands on the counter like she was afraid to touch him.

"I'm not mad at you, Tifa," he whispered into her shoulder and he felt her shiver.

Tifa nodded. "But it's okay if you are. It means you care and I can't get upset with you for that."

His arms tightened around her and his fingertips brushed the exposed part of her lower abdomen. Unthinking, he pulled her closer and buried his face in her neck, taking in a drag of her scent. His fingers were curling against her skin and pulling at her shirt as he tried to convince himself that there wasn't something else bothering her and that there was nothing more to this discussion but it was obvious that this was about much more than phone calls. _A lot_ was still weighing on them both. However, neither of them was willing to admit that.

* * *

In some blind attempt to make amends and prove himself, Cloud had offered to take the day off and spend it with the kids so Tifa could go shopping and work out some issues with some of the bar's suppliers. She'd had no objections and happily accepted the offer, leaving shortly after breakfast.

Like always, their day had gone smoothly until it was time for a meal. Like always, the kids complained about his cooking. He'd attempted to make lunch but they had complained that it wasn't good enough and proceeded to continually point out the way Tifa did things in comparison. Of course he couldn't cook like Tifa! Tifa had been an expert cook for years! And the little cooking he did do was very basic. He knew just enough to survive and even though he was learning their quirks and preferences, they still found fault in the way he did things.

He'd attempted to make stew. His mother always made stew and he thought the kids might enjoy it as much as he had as a kid. He'd been wrong. While they didn't complain as much as they had in the past, they still groused that his stew wasn't like Tifa's. He'd countered that is wasn't supposed to be because he wasn't Tifa. They hadn't had a rebuttal for that.

Once they were finally seated and somewhat satisfied, he sat down with them at the table and began eating as well. That was when Marlene gave him a verbal slap to the face.

"Cloud?" she inquired and he expected her to complain about yet another item on her plate. He mentally prepared himself to get back up again and go back into the kitchen.

"Mm?"

"Do you love Tifa?"

He started choking on the water he was attempting to drink. Slowly, he regained his composure and swallowed hard.

"How…" He cleared his throat. "How do you mean?"

Cloud gave Denzel a glance out of the corner of his eye and he couldn't decide if the boy was interested or appalled by Marlene's blunt question.

"You know like couples in plays or the princesses and the princes out of the stories Tifa used to read to me."

"I'm not a prince," was all he can muster. _I'm a pathetic substitute._

Marlene rolled her eyes playfully. "I didn't say that you were."

Cloud started playing with his food, spinning his spoon around in the stew and making a whirlpool of beef, peas, and carrots. He couldn't help but wonder where this was coming from. The kids usually just left well enough alone when it came to this kind of thing but Marlene had caught some of their subtle displays of affection while they were at Costa Del Sol. She'd also come to wake them up when he'd had his arm draped over Tifa's side and his face buried in her back. They weren't under the covers but seeing them in one bed together when there were clearly two probably raised some questions…for Marlene and probably for Tifa too now that he thought about it.

"You're avoiding the question," the girl stated matter-of-factly.

For the love of all that was Holy this kid was becoming more and more like Barret even though she was living with _them._

"It's not a simple question to answer…" he replied softly.

"Why? Because of… _her_?" It was strange how even Marlene knew he wasn't crazy about speaking of Aerith. Some things were just understood.

Cloud sucked in a deep breath. "Partly…"

"I think you do love Tifa," Marlene stated confidently as if she'd never needed to ask the question at all, like she'd known the answer already.

"I-I care about Tifa a lot…"

_She knows me better than I know myself…_

"But you don't want to marry her." It was more of a statement than a question.

God, this just kept getting worse. He wished Tifa was here to save him but she wasn't. Even if she were here, she would probably look at him smugly wanting to know the answers to these questions herself. She would either save him or watch him squirm and he found that he would have accepted either as long as she was there.

"I'm not really the marrying type."

Cloud was pretty sure Tifa's father would roll over in his grave if he so much as even _thought_ about popping the question and his own mother would argue that he needed someone older, someone who would be better equipped to take care of him. Then again, Mother might have been able to overlook the fact that Tifa was younger than him when she saw how she was good at taking care of him but he had no way of knowing. Besides, it didn't matter. Cloud had no intention of getting married and their parents couldn't come back from the grave.

"But if you were, would you marry Tifa?" Marlene was practically crawling onto the table so she could lean towards him as much as possible without leaving her seat.

Denzel snickered. "Marlene, could you _really_ see Cloud in a tux at the end of an aisle?"

"No, but I could see Tifa in a wedding dress."

And just like that, Cloud lost his appetite. He threw down his spoon onto the table and reclined in his chair.

* * *

His conversation with the kids weighed on him. He couldn't get it out of his head and the kids seemed to know that something they'd said had upset him because they continually tried to lift his spirits. When he realized he was wearing his feelings, he suggested they go into town for dessert. It distracted them but it didn't distract him. All he could think of was how selfish he was and how Tifa deserved better. Maybe that was what kept him from admitting he loved her (to everyone including to himself) even though _deep_ down he knew he did. She deserved and probably wanted more than he could give. What they had now was basically all he could offer.

Tifa had come home before dinner, thankfully, so he didn't have to listen to the kids grouse about another one of his meals.

The kids told Tifa all about what they'd done and how much fun they'd had with him, something that had made him smile to himself.

_Baby steps_ , he mused. _Baby steps._

During dinner, Cloud had privately resolved to finally have a much-needed talk with Tifa. He couldn't offer wedding rings or other fluffy commodities but maybe he could give her other intangible, Cloud-sized gifts.

There were some conversations Cloud could live his entire life without having and this was definitely one of them but Tifa needed it. She'd wanted to have it for a long time, long before Denzel came into their lives but she could never find the words, he wouldn't want to listen, or something would come up. However, Cloud was finally ready as he was going to be to confront it. It needed to happen if they were going to really try to be a real family. They couldn't move on until all of this was dealt with.

The kids were asleep and this was usually when they had alone time to do whatever they wanted. Sometimes they spent this time together and sometimes they spent it alone. Tifa was in her room so he would normally take that as a hint that she wanted to be alone but he needed to strike while the iron was hot, while he still had the nerve and the resolve.

Cloud knocked on her door but got no answer. He heard water running down the hall. She was in the shower. He heard the water running off her form and spiraling down the drain. Knowing she was taking a shower, he let himself in and sat on the edge of her bed. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and stared at the floor for what felt like hours.

Eventually, Tifa entered the room, her damp hair draped over one shoulder and a white towel that was much too small wrapped around her perfect form. Tifa truly did have curves in all the right places.

Cloud wasn't one for gawking nor was he one for affection. He rarely liked for his personal space to be breeched, he didn't like being too close to people but he _was_ a man and sometimes certain urges were unavoidable. Now was one of those times.

He swallowed thickly as his eyes wandered her shape.

Tifa's face flushed and she gripped the towel as if it would somehow cover more of her.

It didn't.

"Cloud! I thought you were already in bed."

"I came to talk."

"Okay." Tifa sat on the bed, not bothering to offer to get dressed. She replied immediately as if she were afraid that if she went away he would be gone or that he didn't have the patience to wait on her.

"Is something wrong?" she added.

"No. I just… I know you have some questions and I feel like I can finally give some halfway decent answers." He swallowed hard. "I'll try my best to give you answers…"

Tifa chewed on the corner of her mouth, looking unsure of where to start. "Can I get dressed first?" she smiled sheepishly. It was adorable and he chuckled a bit.

"Yeah."

She patted his hand before disappearing into her closet. A few moments later she reemerged in her typical sleeping attire, a tank top and shorts. This time she chose a blue top and black shorts.

Her hair was still damp as she crawled onto the bed and sat next to him with her legs folded underneath her. She stared at the patch of bedding between them while twiddling her fingers for a long moment before she finally asked her first question.

"Why didn't you tell me you had Geostigma?" Her large doe eyes hesitantly rose to lock onto him.

Cloud took in a deep breath. "I didn't want to worry you and honestly, a part of me genuinely didn't think it mattered. At the time, I didn't see the point in telling you. It seemed…trivial."

He knew what he was saying was harsh and raw but it was true. He wanted to be honest even if it wasn't merciful.

"I was sick and in a bad place. I just thought it was for the best. Geostigma was the last straw. It was one of the biggest reasons why I went away. It wasn't you or the kids or anything you did."

Tifa nodded, looking contemplative yet pacified. "You should tell Denzel that. He thought he was the last straw."

Cloud's eyes widened. "Why would he think that? I brought _him_ here. Things got better when Denzel came."

"I know but he doesn't know that. Denzel didn't know what it was like before…unless Marlene told him about the days when you and I forced conversations for her sake."

Cloud grimaced at the memory. Yes, he remembered when they couldn't get along. He remembered when the tailspin started. Tifa didn't understand and when she tried to understand he would lash out at her, then she would lash out at him for shutting down.

_"How was your day?"_

_"Fine."_

_"Where did you go?"_

_"Nowhere." That was a lie and they both knew it but he wasn't about to tell her he had delivered flowers to the Forgotten City for Elmyra Gainsborough._

_Tifa sighed heavily and almost slammed the shot glass she'd been cleaning on the counter. For a moment he thought it would shatter._

_"Please…" she whispered, her fingers curling desperately against the counter's glossy edge, "talk to me, Cloud."_

_"What do you want me to say?" He genuinely wanted to know because he honestly had no clue._

_"Anything! We can sit here and act like you aren't suffering and drowning in the past all we want but it won't change the fact that you are. You're distant and Marlene even told me the other day that you were looking off into the sky and not even_ listening _to her. I'm trying to help you and be here for you but it is getting harder and harder for me to do that."_

_"You haven't really been yourself lately either—at least not the Tifa I remember."_

_A sarcastic smile blossomed across her lips. "I haven't been_ **that** _Tifa in a while…but didn't you say that you would be there for me to remind me of who I am? To show me the way? You aren't here, Cloud..."_

_He buried his face in his hands._

_"We miss you. We want you here so bad…" she paused. "_ **I** _want you here so bad…but you've given up on us."_

_"I've given up on you?" He couldn't keep it from coming out and he sounded angrier and more offended than he cared to admit._

_"Yes!" she cried, throwing her arms up in exasperation as if it were the most obvious thing ever. "You've turned your back on us and you've shut us out. You don't come home until late and even when you are here you aren't here or it's obvious you'd rather be anywhere else."_

_"You've given up on me too, Tifa," he mumbled. "You don't think that I can get over the past. You don't think I can move on and be a part of this family. Two years ago you never gave up on me. Not_ **once** _. You stood by me and had faith in me no matter what happened but the instant—"_

_"I've given up on you?!" she sounded and looked appalled and he didn't know if she was about to laugh or cry. "If I've given up on you, then why do I believe you every single time you tell me that it's going to get better, that_ **you're** _getting better, that you're finally learning to cope with you past, that you are finally overcoming the pain and that you are finally going to leave it all behind, I believe you! I believe you every goddamn time, Cloud!"_

_He had no retort for that. He could only sit there and gape at her as all of the pent up emotions overflowed out of both of them._

_"You said you would be here to remind me of how I was if I ever lost my way. You said you were finally going to start living. You said it would be all right this time. You said I've always been with you and that everything would be fine because of that simple fact but I wish that you had never said any those things because you did not mean_ **any** _of it!" She covered her mouth as if she could take it back; unshed tears swelling up in her eyes._

_Cloud held his hands up in surrender and left the room._

During that point in their lives, it was one big misunderstanding after another and they found that it was easier to not talk at all because it almost always led to a fight, a fight Marlene would pick up on and ultimately tell Barrett about. Then they started faking it – something Tifa had initiated – for Marlene's sake, realizing their behavior was impacting her. Then, Denzel came, revitalizing their little family but then…

He couldn't keep himself from looking at his arm, looking at the place where his Geostigma had been. His hand gravitated to the spot and he massaged it. Sometimes he could swear he could still feel it tingling in his bones, throbbing with life as a permanent reminder of what he'd been through.

"I have another question for you," she said lowly.

Cloud's heart dropped.

"Before we had Denzel…I once asked you-" there was a long pause where she chewed her lip and thought of backing down "-if you loved me."

She paused to fight the overwhelming embarrassment written all over her face and during that pause, he'd stopped breathing but somehow she pressed on.

"You were asleep but my voice woke you and you gave me a weird look. I got scared and backed down and repeated myself but instead, I asked you if you loved Marlene. Remember?" Her eyes reopened to meet his and his heart was trying to pound its way out of his chest. There was so much in her eyes that he was overcome by the emotions in them as if they were contagious.

Wide-eyed, he nodded. He remembered. He remembered hearing her voice in his sleep. He remembered coming to and seeing her looking at him strangely and he remembered giving her a blank, scathing look. He remembered thinking the question was a touch odd and out of nowhere but answered nonetheless. This made more sense though. She'd asked not thinking he would hear but he had honed his senses in on her voice. He could hear it almost anywhere.

Tifa was blushing fiercely and playing with her hands in her lap. "Do… Do you—"

"Yeah." It came out much more unenthusiastic and dry than he meant it to.

She kept her eyes and her head down. "But not like you loved… _her_."

"I don't know that I…really _loved_ …her." Cloud couldn't bring himself to say her name. He could sometimes but he couldn't muster it this time. "I didn't know her well enough or long enough to truly love her."

"You've given a pretty good impression of it until now…" Her tone was not bitter. It was cold and hurt.

"It's complicated. You know that. It always has been but the same can be said for you. I didn't love her like I love you."

Yes, something had obviously been there between him and _her_ but he could never really put his finger on it. It was still too new, too fresh and he'd live forever not knowing what could have been...but what he felt for Tifa… 

Cloud placed his hands on her shoulders and made her look at him. He wanted to tell her how she was everything to him in a strange way. Tifa was a constant and he needed a constant. No matter how things changed, there was always Tifa and that gave him more comfort than anything ever could.

Tifa looked like she might cry and he hated himself for hurting her. He had shut down and pushed her away so it would be easier when he lost her just like he knew he would. He had this sick notion that everything was inevitably lost and that there was no point in getting attached or cherishing anything. Now he knew he was wrong. Losing something didn't mean it wasn't worth cherishing.

His hands tightened on her shoulders as he fought for words or even actions. "Tifa…"

_Try. You have to try. You said you'd try. You promised them and yourself that you'd try!_

He leaned in and kissed her, trying his damnedest to feel warm and not cold, to let her in like she'd always wanted.

His lips brushed hers but before he could angle her head back and deepen it like he wanted, she shied away as if she'd been burned, severing the action almost instantly. It hurt a little but not much. Cloud had learned to not expect anything. He'd been given nothing. Life hadn't pulled any punches so he knew how to take them but a punch was still a punch nonetheless, even without expectation or hopefulness.

"What's wrong?" Cloud asked, the surprise and hurt in his voice evident. Perhaps this hurt more than he'd suspected. She'd never pulled away from him like that. Never.

"I don't want to give into this only to have you yank it all out from under me again. I won't. I promised myself I wouldn't. If you don't want me—"

"I want you." It was a blunt, deadpan statement.

Tifa shook her head. "You know what I mean…"

"I want you." He insisted. It was vague because he meant it in every sense. He wanted her in every way that someone could want another person.

"Cloud…don't say things like that to me. Not unless you mean it," she whispered, her eyes wide and beseeching.

He stared at her for a long-suffering moment until the tension was too much and he backed away but he didn't leave the room. He didn't run. He stayed cemented in place on her bed, staring at her and trying to make heads or tails of everything being said and even what wasn't being said. There was a lot he was still unsure of and he didn't want to say anything that would ultimately hurt her, so he switched tactics.

"I remember the first time I ever saw you, all legs and long hair. You always wore blue when we were kids…" He reached out and dug his fingers into the bottom hem of her shirt, pulling the blue fabric between his thumb and index finger, his knuckles brushing the soft skin that covered her belly. "And it was hard leaving you. It always has been. It wasn't easy leaving you and the kids. I want you to know that. It was hard knowing that I might lose you...and it still is. It's still really hard."

"I know but I've told you before that I'm always going to be here for you," she whispered, her voice so low he wasn't sure if she had mouthed it or said it. "I'm scared too…" she confessed. "This is terrifying for me too, you know."

He kept playing with her shirt, daydreaming about all the times he had watched her from afar and longed to be this close to her. Those memories were clearer than they had ever been. All the fog was finally starting to disperse and he would be lying if he said those particular memories weren't messing with him.

Slowly his eyes traveled up her waist to her neck and finally to her face. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were lidded and full of hundreds of questions. He could feel her stomach trembling against the back of his fingers. He could feel her butterflies desperately trying to make their way out of her belly.

Shifting his weight on the bed, he inched closer to her and tentatively took her face in his hands. Once they were a breath apart, he angled her head up so he could pin her gaze and plunge himself down into it.

She shook her head and silent tears made tracks down her cheeks. "You don't have t—"

He didn't wait for her to finish. He didn't wait for the excuse. He didn't wait for the reason for him to not follow through with this and be selfish. He didn't want to her to talk him out of this or cause him to second guess what he wanted in that brittle moment so he kissed her. He kissed her and she didn't pull away this time. This time she let their lips meet and mingle together. His mouth flowed over hers, alternating between catching her top and bottom lip. Her warm tears smeared against his cheeks, burning their way into his soul, permanently searing this moment into his memory.

He'd probably raised more questions than he'd answered. Even as he kissed her he felt the hurricane of different emotions swirling around inside him until he felt nothing at all but the feel of her lips and for now, that was okay. For now, that was all that mattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> Oh, the long awaited love/Aerith conversation! Hopefully it didn't disappoint and don't worry, we aren't done with this kind of content. They still have a lot to air out but it's a start, right?
> 
> Like always, a lot of my material comes from On the Way to a Smile: Tifa's Case. The part regarding Tifa asking Cloud if he loved her while he slept, the part about Cloud saying he would be there to remind Tifa of who she was if she ever forgot, and the part about delivering flowers to the Forgotten City for Elmyra were all from Tifa's Case. So even though I'm taking some liberties with Cloud and Tifa's relationship, a lot of my material (and inspiration) comes from canon sources. I'm not entirely crazy!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed Part VIII!


	9. Part IX

* * *

_What a frightening thing is the human, a mass of gages, and dials, and registers, but_

_we can read only a few and those perhaps not accurately._

_\- John Steinbeck_

* * *

Tifa was laughing but he found nothing funny about this particular predicament even though he probably deserved it.

Cloud bit the pillow underneath his head and threatened to take a chunk out of it with his teeth.

"This isn't funny, Tifa," he snarled through barred teeth.

Tifa laughed breathlessly. "You're right. You're right… But…" She succumbed to another laughing fit.

He'd glare at her if it didn't hurt so damn much to turn his head.

Cloud Strife had been turned into a pincushion, courtesy of a nasty cactuar in the wasteland on his way back to Edge. He was full of _at least_ a thousand needles, something Tifa had found highly amusing when he'd walked into the bar without saying a word, and with a pout on his face, turned on his heel to reveal that he was now a human porcupine.

Lying face down on the bed with a pillow in his arms under his head, he felt Tifa shifting around behind him, preparing to yank out yet another set of needles. She altered her position above him until she was sitting astride his lower back. The familiar feel of her warm thighs on each side of his upper hips was… _distracting_ to the point that he almost groaned. In fact, that particular sensation was the first thing to get his mind off the pain since he and Denzel had crossed the bar's threshold but the distraction would only last until she yanked yet another needle out of his back.

Attempting to find a more… _appropriate_ distraction, he glared at the arsenal of treatments on the bedside table at his left. Tifa had brought in a colorful array of Potions, Hi-Potions, and even Elixirs.

He tried to focus on them and not the warmth of her bare thighs against his hips. His eyes honed in on the colors the bottles projected onto the floor thanks to the beam of afternoon sunlight forcing its way into the room through his windows. The bottles were blue, yellow, green, and pink and thanks to the sunlight, their colorful array mingled together on the floor, reminding him of stained glass one would find in a church.

"I'm sorry," Tifa apologized between breaths, trying to catch her composure. "I know—I know it's not funny…and I do feel bad…"

She said that yet she continued to laugh but as humiliating and as painful as it was, it was nice hearing Tifa's laugh again. He'd humor her, even if her joy was at his expense…

"But Marlene was right! You really do look just like a porcupine!" she bellowed and Cloud reddened with embarrassment. He was just glad she'd gotten the kids to go downstairs.

Cloud was sure she was right. He had no doubt that he _did_ look like a porcupine. His back was full of cactuar needles. He and Denzel had gone on an afternoon ride on Fenrir through the wasteland and he'd accidentally hit a cactuar on their way back. Normally, he knew how to handle such a situation and knew how to come out of it unscathed but with Denzel with him, it had been another matter entirely. He had dodged it initially, saving Fenrir's tires but he and Denzel had been thrown from the motorbike in the process. Before he could fully register what was happening, it was aiming at Denzel and he'd instinctively shielded the boy's body with his own, which was why his back was now covered in needles.

"It's not funny," he groused again.

"I know. You're right," she concurred and managed to speak without quivering with laughter. "Just try to be still."

Tifa had cut his shirt off his back and had lathered him in Hi-Potions to disinfect the affected areas and it had effectively numbed some of the inevitable pain but that didn't mean this whole process wasn't excruciating and that it would probably get worse before it got better. If he had to guess, there were still roughly nine hundred or so needles still in his back.

"Okay. Ready?" she asked once she found some semblance of composure and revitalized sympathy.

"As I'm gonna be…"

With that, she sucked in an audible breath and he felt her grip one of the needles with both hands and he couldn't keep himself from tensing. Then, she yanked it out in one swift motion. Cloud grunted in pain and then she was again apologizing profusely.

"I'm sorry!"

"Just keep going," he hissed through clenched teeth.

"Are you sure?"

"Mm," he grunted.

"Okay… Ready?"

A nod.

She pulled quicker this time but he still grunted. However, she did as he asked this time. She didn't stop. She pulled one, paused a moment, then moved to the next, trying to make things quick and painless.

After several consecutive tugs, she would take a moment to stop and ask him if he was okay. During those pauses she would wipe away the blood and apply more panaceas to the now open wounds. She would also try to distract him with small talk but the biggest distraction was still how magnificently soft and warm her thighs were.

"Last one," she said after what felt like an eternity of yanking and sharp pains.

She ripped the last needle out and he didn't want to know what his poor back looked like. He felt sticky blood leaking out of his back and dripping onto the bedding beneath him.

Now that it was all over, he was exhausted and went limp instantly. Now he just wanted to go to sleep so the throbbing pain would stop. It was physically impossible for him to even _think_ about moving so he stayed immobile in that same exact spot even after he felt Tifa crawl off the bed.

He felt drunk, like he'd been spinning in circles, like someone had slipped him something or gave him too much to drink. He was trying to keep his eyes open but he was failing miserably.

Cloud felt Tifa wiping the warm blood off his back and dabbing the holes in his hide with Hi-Potion.

"What do I look like now?" he mused, his voice low and weak.

She chuckled softly. "A pincushion."

His back was then tenderly blanketed in bandages and once she was finished, she sat down on the edge of the bed near his head. She ran her fingers through his hair and across the exposed side of his face, warm fingertips ghosting along his temple and jaw and plunging into his hairline. His eyes closed instinctively as warmth pooled in his belly.

"I'm sorry I laughed at you," she hummed, continuing to stroke his face and run her fingers through the spikes of his hair.

"It's okay. I'll probably laugh at me later." He opened his eyes and managed a small smile. He didn't even know why. The sight of her just…

She beamed back. It was a stunning smile that could melt any man's heart and his was no exception. Everything inside him seemed to evaporate and turn to warm mush, leaving him full and content. That magnificent feeling almost canceled out all the pain rippling through his back. Almost.

Cloud had been nervous about how things would be after their talk a while back but things were oddly unchanged. That was either a good thing or an indicator that he had said or done something wrong, that he had made a mistake in kissing her but he wouldn't have kissed her if he hadn't wanted to, if he hadn't meant it. She told him not to do things like that unless he meant it and he _did_ mean it but maybe she didn't see it that way. Perhaps she saw something in his actions that he didn't, which wouldn't be the least bit surprising. Nothing ever translated like he wanted it to. He was sure of what he felt for her. The feelings were glaring and undeniable but at the same time they were unfamiliar and confusing because they were so foreign to him. He struggled showing, communicating, and even recognizing them even though he knew them to be true.

If happiness was a large pill he was forced to dry swallow, then the feelings between him and Tifa were a bathtub filled with scalding hot water, something that would ultimately feel _really_ good once he body adjusted to the intense, foreign temperature but for now, it was overwhelming. It burned and stung and he would have to ease into it.

He stared at her for a moment before his eyes had no choice but to close, even though he wanted to watch her longer. There was something strangely magical in that moment. Even though he was in a numbing amount of pain, her touch and that beautiful glint in her eyes was so captivating. He felt…content, almost happy. The warm, raw emotions radiating off her and seeping into him were like a lullaby and he was suddenly yet helplessly slipping into unconsciousness, drunk off the feel of it, of _her_.

"Oh, Cloud," she mused softly, sounding wistful yet melancholy as she continued to run her fingers through his hair and across his scalp. "What am I supposed do to with you?"

_Be with me._

Already drifting through a pain-induced sleep, he knew his thought hadn't manifested in the real world. She hadn't heard it.

She leaned down towards him and he felt the caress of her lips on his temple. They lingered there warmly for a moment before she pulled away and left the room.

* * *

When he finally opened his eyes again, he was greeted by two sets of eyes, eyes swimming with a pure mixture of excitement and concern.

"Hey!" Marlene greeted. "We brought dinner in case you were hungry."

Cloud's eyes silently darted around the room and saw a neat tray of food, replacing all the Elixirs and bandages from earlier. His eyes instantly gravitated to the small serving of jellybeans on the tray, black jellybeans to be precise, jellybeans Tifa knew to be his favorite. Apparently she'd gone out and gotten them specifically for him and had purposely picked out all the other colors since they weren't sold individually. A smile hidden inside his pillow broke out across his face.

"Thank you," he grumbled, his voice muffled by the bedding and his arms, which were still folded under his head.

"We would have brought it sooner but Tifa told us that you needed to rest," she added.

"Mm." He gave a weak nod as his eyes threatened to close again. He glanced out the window trying to gauge how late it was. The sun was long gone. There was no moon but it was dark enough that he could see the twinkle of stars and his enhanced hearing could pick up on the chirping of crickets and the dulled hum of dying late evening traffic.

His eyes cut back to Denzel. "How are you holdin' up? You okay?"

"I'm good. I just got a few scrapes and a couple needles in my right ankle," the boy replied as he scratched at one of the bandages on his left cheek.

"I helped Tifa treat him," Marlene declared smugly as she eyed her handiwork.

"I'm really sorry, Cloud," whispered Denzel, his head hanging low, weighed down by shame.

That jarred him into a more concrete plane of alertness.

"What are you sorry for?" Cloud asked, finally mustering the strength to lift his head out of his pillow.

"It's my fault…"

Cloud forced himself upright with a grimace. ""How could it be _your_ fault? If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. I should've been paying more attention."

Denzel was looking at him with fearful apologetic eyes, likely thinking that he would probably disappear again, like this would be reason enough for him to leave them again. Cloud couldn't keep himself from thinking about what Tifa had said the night of their talk: that Denzel thought he was the last straw and that he and _his_ Geostigma were the reason Cloud had left.

"Still… I'm sorry," Denzel whispered.

"Don't worry about it." Cloud placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. "It's not that big of a deal. A few more hours and it'll be like it never happened."

_Besides, I've been through much worse…_

The boy brightened a bit at that but still looked burdened. It was moments like these that Cloud was reminded of how much Denzel had been through even though he was still technically a kid. He could see the weight in his deep blue eyes, depth and cruel understanding that shouldn't ever be in a child so young. He'd been orphaned at eight and had to fight to survive, selling scrap in Midgar with other orphans to get by. Denzel had even been looking for food when he'd stumbled upon Fenrir outside the church. He'd seen death and the ruthless effects of Geostigma long before he'd ever showed any symptoms of it himself. To add insult to injury, after losing his parents, he'd lost two of his prior caregivers to the stigma (and almost a third but Cloud refused to dwell on that). That was a lot for any adult to take in, much less a kid no older than ten. Even Cloud and Tifa didn't get screwed up until they were in their teens…

Flashes of fire, bloodied metal flooring, and fraying silver hair flickered behind his eyes, causing him to wince and not just from the lingering sting of cactuar needles.

Cloud saw so much of himself in Denzel. Denzel had struggled with grief and anger just as he had but at an even younger age. Their experiences were different but the pain was likely the same. Yuffie was right. They were a lot alike and he and Tifa had been right in assuming that he was _theirs._ He was meant for them, meant to bring them back together, to help them cope with their sins, to help hold them together, to complete their little family.

"Hey, Marlene. Can you go downstairs with Tifa? I want to talk to Denzel alone for a minute."

Marlene pouted for a moment before begrudgingly obliging. Meanwhile, Denzel looked like he couldn't decide whether he should be excited for scared that he was singled out.

"Sit with me," Cloud said. He didn't ask.

Denzel did as he bid but kept his head and eyes low.

"I talked to Tifa a while back. She said you thought you and your Geostigma were the reason I left."

Denzel glanced over his shoulder at him. "Wasn't it?"

Cloud couldn't repress the wounded look that cloaked his features. "No. Why would you have been the reason I left? I was the one who drug _you_ here. In fact, things got a lot better around here after you became a part of our lives."

"Then…why'd you leave?"

Cloud raked his hand through his blonde spikes. "Lots of reasons, none of them are enough to justify what I did though. I know that now. You can't… You can't run from your problems…your grief…your pain but you already know that. You've had your fair share of losses too but you never tried to run from the pain they caused. I guess that means you're wiser than I am."

A proud smile broke across Denzel's face at that and Cloud found himself mirroring the sentiment.

"So no more thinking you were the reason I left. Okay? And I don't want you thinking that there's something you could do that might make me leave again. Because there isn't. I'm here to stay."

"Really?" Denzel looked up at him with wide, beseeching eyes, the emotions inside them mimicking the ones he often saw swimming inside Tifa's dark eyes: fear, pain, and a timid hopefulness.

"Mm." Cloud gave a curt nod that sent a ripple of pain down his spine, the pain wiping the crooked smile from his face.

Seeing his discomfort Denzel rose to his feet. "Should I…?"

"Get Tifa," he finished for him.

* * *

A few minutes after Denzel left, Tifa entered the room and shut the door quietly behind her, fresh bandages and Hi-Potions in hand.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, her tone warm and caring as she began placing the bottles and bandages on his bedside table next to his uneaten food.

"Sore but better."

Nodding her understanding, Tifa crawled onto the bed and sat on her knees behind him.

"Let me change your bandages," she said, her way of warning him she was about to touch him. "You probably need more Hi-Potion."

Cloud inched back closer to her and straightened his spine so his back would be better exposed for her.

She took off the old bandages and gently tapped his shoulder from time to time, nudging him in one direction or another, silently telling him to either lean forward or pull back. Once the old bandages were removed, she began dabbing his back with a Hi-Potion soaked cloth.

"You're always taking care of me…" he mused as he closed his eyes.

She chuckled. "Yeah. I guess I am."

**_FLASH_ **

" _Oh yeah. That young fellow!? Don't worry. Your friend is next door but I'm afraid his condition is…"_

_Soft footsteps resonated nearby but he couldn't focus or lift his head. The sound was definitely getting closer though._

" _Cloud…!?"_

_That voice… He knew that voice. That voice sent tendrils of heat through his body. It was a nice feeling – a good feeling. A feeling like everything would be okay now that the owner of that voice was there, like it was all that mattered, like his whole life was linked to that voice._

" _Oh…Cloud! I'm so glad you're safe!"_

_His throat ached to speak and his body yearned to move but he could do neither. He couldn't even look at her. He couldn't see her. His heavy lids lifted for a second and his vision was filled with nothing but lanky legs and the bottom of a blurry wheelchair._

_No. That wasn't want he wanted to see. With as much strength and cohesion as he could muster, his head shuddered upward. It was the most he had responded to anything in what felt like…_ **ever** _. All because he knew that voice. Her voice was special. Her voice was important._ **She** _was important._

_Again, he wanted to speak but nothing coherent came out. He gurgled, his head lolling to one side, his muscles failing him but before they did, he got a glimpse of her face. It was blurry but he saw those dark features, those big brown eyes and that endlessly long black hair… That face was familiar but contorted with pain and concern. She looked like she was in agony, like she had just had her heart broken or lost her best friend._

" _Wh… What's wrong with him…?" She sounded appalled, like she was on the verge of tears._

_He tried to say something to her again but again, he failed. He just continued to mumble incoherently._

" _Cloud! What happened to you…!?"_

" _Mako poisoning…" Someone who wasn't the pretty girl replied and simply because that voice wasn't hers, Cloud detested the sound of it. He wanted the other voice back, not this gruff one… "Quite an advanced case…"_

_The other voice began to prattle on for a while but it drifted away with the tide like a piece of driftwood…just like everything else. There wasn't anything but nothingness now, nothingness and fathomless pain he didn't understand or comprehend._

" _Cloud…"_

_Her. The sound of her pulled him by some invisible string and he lifted his head but couldn't focus. There was just the paneling of a ceiling…a few black explosions going off behind his eyes. He wanted to focus on her face but couldn't. There was nothing breaking through but her voice, that magical voice…_

" _Why…? What do you want me to do?"_

**No… Don't be sad. Don't cry… Please don't…**

_His vision faded in and out and he saw flashes of her head on his lap, her hands fisting the cloth of his pants as she knelt before him, sobbing. She was begging him for something but he didn't know or understand what._

" _This isn't happening…! This is too cruel…"_

_She was crying and he barely even understood the concept of it but he did know he wanted it to stop. He wanted to do something,_ **anything** _to make it stop._

**_FLASH_ **

" _I don't care about anything else, only Cloud… I…want to be by his side..."_

**FLASH**

_The voice talked to him as if he had coherent thought, as if he could reply. She said things like medicine, doctors, bath, bed, treatment, and rest. She said Cloud and talk and recognize and hear a lot too. Whatever all that meant. In fact, it didn't matter what it mean. He just liked hearing the hum of her vocal chords breaking through all the fog in his head from time to time. It was nice to hear something else other than his own ravings and the growl of all that darkness… When the pain and confusion became too much hearing her helped._

_He would try to mutter things to her. He didn't know if they were sentences or even words but he felt like he needed to make some noise in response. Maybe it would keep her from leaving him alone in this dense fog…this gray mass of nothingness and a few flashes of images that meant nothing to him._

" _I'm here, Cloud. I'm not going anywhere. Okay?"_

_Lifting his shifty gaze, he finally pinpointed her for a moment. She was smiling and brushing some of his hair off his forehead._

_There was an urge inside him to do…_ **something** _. Touch her back? He ached but in a different way than normal. It was like a persistent itch underneath his skin but he couldn't scratch it. However, that didn't keep his hands from twitching and trying to do whatever it was that his mind or maybe his heart was pleading for him to do._

_He managed to lean towards her and she met him halfway, pressing her forehead to his. It couldn't have been comfortable or pleasant for her. He twitched against her, shivering with uncontrollable spasms and his eyes were shifty, cloudy, and unfocused, nothing anyone would want to gaze into but she did just that and for a brief moment, his eyes connected with hers, that beautiful circular sea of brown with rivers of hazel running through it…_

**Beautiful…**

"… _Pretty…" he muttered._

_She didn't answer but he felt something shudder against his forehead and then something warm and wet smearing against his cheeks. Tears. Then there was something soft and tender against his forehead…like a kiss…_

**_FLASH_ **

He didn't remember much of the times he'd succumbed to Mako poisoning but he remembered sporadically hearing Tifa's voice and her presence throughout his second bout of it in Mideel. He now knew that was because she'd been there, taking care of him. She hadn't left his side. She had even abandoned the others and their cause because…he'd been all that mattered to her at that point…

_Damn, I don't deserve her…not even a little bit._

"A few more hours and you'll be good as new. You would've been better already if I'd been able to treat you sooner," she said as she began layering his back in bandages again.

Cloud nodded, massaging at his temple with one hand, trying to rub out the memories of Mako poisoning…or maybe he was trying to rub the guilt building inside him away.

Tifa shifted onto her knees and patted his shoulders. "All done! You can lie back down now."

He watched helplessly as she made her way around him, the role of bandages between her teeth as she tried to crawl off the bed and force the cap back onto the Hi-Potion bottle at the same time. Before she could get too far, he took hold of her wrist and gently tugged her back towards him until her hips were between his parted knees.

"Stay," he commanded.

She grinned but shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" His brow furrowed, his confusion evident.

She held her head down and looked away as she put the bandages and the Hi-Potion on his bedside table.

"I think… I think you need to pump the brakes a little and so you can figure out what it is that you really want." As she spoke, her own apprehension and trust issues were visible even though she was making this about him.

She was suggesting that he was still confused, that he wasn't ready for any of this but he wanted to argue that he wasn't confused. His thoughts were clearer and his head was on straighter than it had been since he was fourteen years old. But when he took a moment to think about it, maybe just because he was _less_ confused didn't mean that he wasn't _still_ confused to some extent. It was just a different degree of confused, a different type of confused.

Unable to conjure a response, he just stared at her.

"It just… It seems like you do certain things to pacify me, to keep me here, and it's not necessary. I'm not going anywhere. We've talked about this." Tifa folded her arms over her chest as if to create a protective barrier between them. She probably was…

Cloud's frown deepened and like always, Tifa sensed his distress and came to his rescue. She took one of his hands in both of hers and held it near her heart.

"So…you don't have to keep doing this kind of thing to keep me around or just because you think it's the right thing to do or that it's what I want. I don't need your sympathy, Cloud, and I don't want it." By the end of her tangent, she almost sounded… _angry._

She didn't think he wanted her. Not really. She thought he might not even be capable of these types of feelings anymore. What's worse was that she thought she was some consolation prize or perhaps she thought she was second best. She likely thought she was the winner of the _prize_ by default and if that was the case, she probably didn't want the alleged prize at all…

"It's not sympathy…" he mumbled. These emotions were muddled and strange to him thanks to everything he'd been through but they were no less genuine. How he felt about _Tifa_ wasn't necessarily what confused him but the emotions _themselves_ , what they meant, what they would mean, what they could lead to, and how even though they felt good, contradicting feelings like guilt and fear would accompany them and warp what he felt into something he couldn't discern… They were foreign and he was just now starting to sort through it all and become truly aware of them (again?). He just didn't know how to handle them, much less translate them.

He sat there for a long suffering moment, taking all of it in, trying to think it through.

He thought he'd done the right thing by offering up more affection and doing things like kissing her, a good thing even. It had felt _right_ , like a much needed step in the right direction. He'd had no regrets until that moment, until he realized how he'd come off less than sincere. Not to mention it wasn't until Tifa questioned his motives that he began to question them himself.

He knew he wanted her and he knew he loved her in his own strange little way. Yes, he wanted to keep her but not the way she was thinking. It wasn't like that… He'd wanted to help ease some of the doubts she had when it came to him, to assure her that he wanted her and that _he_ wasn't going anywhere either. Instead, he'd created even more doubts, resulting in some of his own.

Maybe… Maybe crossing their little friendship barrier again had been a mistake. Maybe he should have waited a little longer, waited for better timing or maybe he shouldn't have done it at all… _ever_. Maybe everyone was right and he would never be worthy of her. Maybe it would always be an unobtainable goal, something he could never accomplish. Perhaps he would always be running up that proverbial hill. But all of that aside, his actions – however rushed or desperate or confusing – came from a very real and genuine place deep down in the very pit of his belly.

"Don't think that… I'm not…" As always, words were failing him and all he could do was stare at her with desperate eyes full of childlike fear. "It's not like…"

"It's okay, Cloud." She placed a gentle hand on his cheek and its warmth doused the flames of anxiety threatening to consume him. "You don't have to ex—"

"No." He closed his eyes and shook his head as a tight grimace took over his face. "I do. I do have to explain things to you."

_You deserve it._

"It can wait," she insisted, being patient and _way_ too understanding as always. "I know you still have a lot to sort through. I know it's hard. I know you're still struggling and that's okay. It can wait. _I_ can wait."

"Tifa…" he groaned, shifting his weight on the bed and getting to his feet so he could close the gap between them.

The instant he rose to his feet, she was pressing her hands to his bare chest, trying to push him back to the bed but he didn't budge an inch.

Sighing in defeat, she flattened her hands against his chest and held her head down.

His eyes went hard and he felt the electricity surging between them as a result of the skin on skin contact. Likely noticing the tension, Tifa's lips pressed tightly together and her fingers lightly trembled against his flesh.

And just like that, everything he'd wanted to say to her to give her peace of mind flew out the window. Any hope he had of trying to explain himself and his clumsy actions was gone, smothered out by his hypersensitive senses and the overwhelming sensation that was purely Tifa Lockhart.

Her eyes stayed low, glued to the hands pressed against his chest. He could tell she was purposely avoiding eye contact. The room was just dark enough for his eyes to have even more of an unnatural glow and eye contact between them was dangerous enough as it was.

After a few strained moments, she began absentmindedly running one of her fingers over the skin of his chest covering his heart, drawing invisible images along his pale skin. Her fingertips gazed along his hide, causing a shudder to run down his spine to all ten fingers and toes.

"No matter what, I'll always be here," she whispered.

He believed her. He believed her wholeheartedly. He knew whatever it was that they had, it went beyond simple want or fascination. They were _rooted_ in one another. She was like a seed that had been planted inside him, fusing with him and growing through him into a large oak with many branches and a thick abundance of roots that dug deep into the Planet's very core… _his_ very core. Separation was…impossible.

Cloud dug his fingertips into the hairline to the right of her face, carelessly running his fingers through the length of her hair until the dark strands slipped between each of his fingers and out of his grasp. "I'm not going anywhere either."

Tifa's big doe eyes slowly left his chest to meet his gaze and he froze like he was a victim of Petrification.

He was suddenly warm, practically burning from the inside out but it felt… _good._ It was a ravenous heat he had only ever felt with her, something only she could spark to life. It gathered in his sternum and radiated outward until he was pleasantly warm and tingly all over to the point that he thought he could feel her burning too. What's more was that for some reason unbeknownst to him he _wanted_ her to be burning like this too.

His words were vague yet full of promise and heavy implication (like always). However, he knew had had done little to dissolve her remaining doubts regarding him and his… _feelings,_ but deep down he knew that there was nothing he could say that could get rid of all her doubts and concerns. He could stay up all night explaining and apologizing for coming off as less than sincere but there was just too much to deal with and he was still too clumsy and sloppy in practically every way imaginable. He was in a better place but he was nowhere near the condition he needed to be in order to obliterate all the problems lingering around and between them. Like always, Tifa was right. He just needed more time to work out all his kinks and more time to prove himself to her. He still had a lot of trust to earn back and apparently kissing her wasn't the best way to do that, apparently her old phrase of, _'Words aren't the only way to tell someone how you feel'_ wasn't always effective or applicable.

_Noted._

" _Tifa!"_

They both jumped at the sound of Marlene's voice, as if they had forgotten that they _weren't_ the only people on the Planet.

Even though Marlene's voice had resonated around them, it still took a moment for the spell to break. It still took them a while to separate, neither of them wanting to sever the contact but ultimately, Tifa managed to move first. She took a step back but kept her eyes on him.

" _Tifa!"_

"I better go see what they want." She placed a lock of long, black silk behind her ear. "Oh, and they'll probably want to see you before they go to bed so don't be surprised if they bust in here again later. In the meantime, try to eat something. And call if you need anything."

"Mm." Cloud nodded.

"Alright then. Goodnight," she said softly as she backed out of the room, still obviously drunk off the same electricity that was still swimming around in his veins too.

"And Tifa?"

"Hmm?" She paused, his door halfway closed and her hand still on the doorknob.

"Thanks for the jellybeans."

Blushing, she grinned. "You're welcome."

Once she shut his door, Cloud lied face down on his bed (a bit too forcefully) and he could still feel the sensation of her fingertips grazing along the skin of his chest. Even though she was gone, her heady presence lingered with him along with that precious warmth that was still burning away at his insides. It was a delicious feeling fluttering around inside him like a bird in a small cage, reviving something in him he hadn't felt in a long time. It was an old forgotten feeling but it felt… _good._ He felt good and good still felt kind of wrong but for the first time in a long time, those good feelings didn't leave a bad taste in his mouth. It didn't immediately trigger a vicious onslaught of guilt and he was actually able to enjoy that fleeting warmth Tifa had left with him—at least for a little while.


	10. Part X

* * *

_There is no despair so absolute as that w_ _hich comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow,_

_When we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and healed,_

_To have despaired and have recovered hope._

_\- George Eliot_

* * *

_Client Name – Elmyra Gainsborough_

_Delivery Item – Bouquet_

_Destination – The Forgotten City_

**Elmyra Gainsborough**

The name couldn't have been more glaring if it was in neon letters and all he could do was sit at his desk with his hands in his hair and stare at it.

Cloud couldn't remember how long he'd been in his office staring at this particular slip of paper. He'd kind of zoned out after he stumbled upon it.

It shouldn't be that surprising. Elmyra had consistently ordered the same delivery around the same time of year since Aerith died but seeing it on paper never really got easier. It still stunned him with guilt and remorse, reminding him of all his failures and shortcomings.

" _Cloud? What's wrong?"_

He didn't have to look to know Tifa had entered his office and was now towering over him, looking over his shoulder and down at the desk at the object that firmly held his attention.

She was silent for a moment, waiting for him to respond. When she realized that he wasn't going to, she snatched the piece of paper off his desk and he didn't even move to stop her. Not too long ago he would have been more adamant and would have fought to keep this to himself like he had for the past few years but not this time.

"Does she ask you to do this every year?" she inquired gently, her eyes not leaving the order.

Cloud managed to nod, finally becoming a bit more lucid.

There was another moment of prolonged silence as Tifa gingerly placed the order slip back onto his desk.

"Have you seen her since…?"

"No," he interrupted.

No. He hadn't seen poor Elmyra Gainsborough since he, Barret, and Tifa had gone to Kalm after Sephiroth was defeated to retrieve Marlene and tell poor Elmyra that her daughter was dead.

Tifa nodded then sighed as she leaned the back of her hips against his desk.

"Maybe…" she hesitated. "Maybe you should."

"What good would it do?"

"Maybe it could give you some closure, make this kind of thing less…painful."

"Or make it worse," he grunted, folding his arms over his chest and reclining in his chair.

She sighed again. "Elmyra Gainsborough aside, I don't think this is something you should do alone."

Cloud knew she was right and that she was worried, justifiably so. He knew for a fact that this kind of thing wasn't good for him but he didn't know if bringing her into it would make a difference. All he could think of was how much she'd cried when the returned to Aerith's church after Meteorfall and how she'd stood behind Barret looking like a ghost as he'd told Elmyra what had happened to Aerith. Frankly, this kind of thing wasn't good for _anyone_ , including her.

"The kids and I could go with you. Maybe we could make a day of it. It might be easier that way, especially if you decide to see Elmyra. You know, Marlene used to ask to go back and see her…"

He remembered. He remembered the daily pleadings and the daily refusals. Marlene would ask to visit the woman who'd cared for her while they were off chasing Sephiroth and they would always coarsely refuse. It was just too hard. Neither of them could face Elmyra after breaking that unbearable news to her and Marlene quickly caught on that even the subject of Elmyra Gainsborough was forbidden territory.

"I don't know…" Cloud propped his elbows up on his desk and buried his face in his hands.

"Just think about it, okay?" She placed a gentle hand on his back between his tense shoulder blades. "I'll support you no matter what but I really think it would be good for all of us."

_Us_. If she had said just _you_ , he probably would have put this conversation away with all the other stuff that he didn't like to think about until he was reminded of it again this time next year but because she had said _us_ that somehow changed everything. It was a reminder that this wasn't just about him. There were others involved.

The warmth of Tifa's hand left his back and she began leaving the room but hesitated in the doorway. "But if this is one of those things you need to do alone, I understand."

Cloud glanced over his shoulder at her, making eye contact with her for the first time since she'd entered the room and nodded stiffly.

She smiled before gently shutting the door behind her, leaving him alone with his thoughts, her suggestion, and that name on that slip of paper.

* * *

After a lot of thought and playing out all of the worst-case scenarios in his head, Cloud decided that doing this particular delivery with Tifa and the kids wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Thus, he'd decided to make a day out of it like Tifa had suggested. If he was going to go to confront these particular demons, he was going to do it right and preferably, all at once. He was going to do it while he actually had the nerve and the resolve and without drawing it out.

As a result, Cloud had suggested they go to Aerith's church in Midgar first. It seemed like the appropriate thing to do. Marlene had been asking to go lately anyway and he felt like he needed to finally keep his word and bring Tifa to the church with him.

Of course, Marlene had been overjoyed at the prospect of all of them going together while Tifa was supportive but kept her distance as if to keep from walking on sacred ground or inserting herself somewhere where she didn't belong. She was always…cautious.

As they crossed the church's threshold, he would admit that it saddened him a bit to see where the water used to heal them of Geostigma had washed away all of the flowers. He'd even been expecting to see them until the brown sea of earth came into view. What was once almost glaringly bright and full of life was now a soggy patch of dirt littered with wood that had once made up some of the church flooring as a result of all the water that had stood there not too long ago.

A part of him wished the pool of petal kissed water that had healed Denzel and dozens of other kids was still there instead. It was different but it wasn't an eyesore like this was.

Marlene made a beeline for the front of the church, hauling Denzel to the now barren flowerbed with her. He seemed reluctant but humored her nonetheless.

Cloud and Tifa, however, stayed near the entrance, lingering by the doorway as they watched the kids talk amongst themselves and inspect the patch of dirt that once sired dozens of white and yellow flowers.

"Thanks for bringing us with you," Tifa whispered.

With a half smile, Cloud nodded. He knew how much this meant to her. It was a big step. Even though she'd continually asked him in the past to not go to the church alone, he'd never followed though.

"I know it's hard but I really think this is a good thing," she continued as she took a few steps towards him and closed the gap between them.

He knew she was right and that this would be a big step forward in the healing process, but that wouldn't make this delivery or facing poor Elmyra Gainsborough any easier. It couldn't possibly be worse than when he'd had to tell her Aerith was dead but that didn't mean it would be pleasant either. However, it was something that probably needed to be done if he really wanted to heal, to live without feeling broken or handicapped.

"I miss the flowers," Marlene declared as she approached them with Denzel on her heels.

Tifa's eyes go to the front of the church and lock onto Aerith's barren flowerbed. "Maybe you can plant some more."

"They'll grow back," Cloud said matter-of-factly. "It'll just take time."

That seemed to be a recurring theme in his life lately. He was learning that things just needed time to recover, whether it be people or flowers. After something traumatic, you just need time to heal. There isn't some magical switch you can flip that will magically make you better. It just wasn't that simple.

"Can we help?" Marlene asked.

Oh, the symbolism! Cloud suddenly felt like this flowerbed…what was left of it anyway. He was suddenly a clean slate. Everything old was gone, washed away and now there was room for something new and fresh but there was nothing yet. There was nothing necessarily pretty about what he looked like now, an empty flowerbed of rippling brown, but there were little flickers of green peaking out. Life was budding. There was promise. There was hope and there were possibilities.

"Of course." Tifa smiled. "I'm sure Cloud wouldn't mind bringing you from time to time so you could tend to them?"

"Sure." He gave a nod and gazed back the budding flowers. "I think she'd like that."

* * *

After spending the morning at Aerith's church, they made their way to Kalm.

The last time Cloud checked, Elmyra was living there with her sister and niece, the same relatives she'd been staying with the day they'd returned after Meteorfall to retrieve Marlene and inform Elmyra of what had become of her daughter… At the time, Cloud hadn't cared enough to ask whom she'd been with. He just knew it was two relatives and that had been enough for him. Details simply hadn't mattered.

Tifa visibly paled as they approached the house, likely recognizing it from the last time they'd been there. Her expression was eerily similar to how it had been that day but it wasn't as heavy. Like him, she was lighter now but the burden was still carried with them every day.

He remembered that day clearly. They probably would have never knocked on that door at all if Barret hadn't been with them. He remembered standing outside this very door for what felt like hours with Tifa pressed to his side as he tried to muster the courage to go in and say what had to be said.

"You okay?" he asked lowly.

She jerked to attention and looked up at him, clearly surprised that he was turning the tables on her. Usually, _she_ was the one asking if _he_ was okay.

"I think so... Are you?"

"I'm okay right now," Cloud replied honestly because he really didn't know how long the sense of _okay_ would last.

Again, they were outside the same door they'd stood before years ago, side-by-side as they tried to muster the courage to confront Aerith's mother. At this the circumstances were different this time…

When he'd done this particular delivery last year, he'd avoided this all together. He'd asked the post office to pick up the bouquet she wanted delivered so he wouldn't have to face Elmyra at all. All he had to do was go to Kalm, pick up the bouquet, and then take it to the Forgotten City but ignoring Elmyra hadn't made any of that any easier. It had still been a horrible day that had left him in an awful mental state for at least a week.

Cloud decided to treat this like a bandage. He needed to just rip it off, so he knocked but regretted doing so almost immediately. He suddenly wanted to go back to the church. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears and feel it throbbing behind his eyes.

Tifa shrank away from the door with him as if a dragon might bust out but Denzel and Marlene boldly stood there, waiting for whoever might answer eagerly.

Cloud envied their courage.

The doorknob rattled and the door creaked open on rusty hinges and Cloud's heart stopped.

A woman who favored Elmyra eyed them from the partially opened door. Her hair was just above her shoulders and was pulled back with a red bandana. She wore a dress of a similar color beneath a slightly stained apron that was wrapped haphazardly around her waist.

Her hair was the same brownish color as Elmyra's but her eyes were lighter. The two were obviously sisters even though they didn't necessarily look alike.

"Is – Is Elmyra here?" he stuttered.

The woman nodded and smiled a bit, likely recognizing them from their last visit. "One moment."

Her footsteps faded and faint voices could be heard inside. Tension built inside his gut again until he felt the back of Tifa's fingertips brush the back of his hand. His fingers responded and twitched at the sensation and within seconds, she'd taken hold of them. It wasn't much but it did calm him down substantially. It was like he was drowning and she'd suddenly thrown him a life preserver. He could even hear her in his head telling him that it was okay, that he could do this, that _they_ could do this.

Suddenly, the door was cracking open again and this time, the woman behind it didn't just look like Elmyra. It _was_ Elmyra. Her hair was still in the high bun she'd always worn but the hair pulled back into it was more white than brown now and there were more creases and wrinkles under her brown eyes.

Like the green dress she still wore, she looked more worn than he remembered…or maybe he just didn't want to remember.

"Cloud? Cloud Strife?" Elmyra mused, sounding a bit uncertain but he was quite sure she knew very well that it was him. He doubted anyone would be able to forget the man who hauled the child they'd raised as their own into the ultimate fray only to have him return once the battle was over to inform her that said daughter had died during the struggle.

He froze up at the sight of her and he had no words for her. He simply offered his pathetic imitation of a smile.

"And Tifa and Marlene too." Elmyra smiled, her features brightening significantly.

"Hello, Mrs. Gainsborough," Tifa greeted warmly.

"And who's this?" the older woman asked, her eyes darting to Denzel.

"This is Denzel. He lost his family in the plate collapse. Cloud found him not too long afterwards and he's been with us ever since." Tifa beamed like a proud mother as she placed her hands on his shoulders and to his surprise, Denzel didn't _immediately_ shrug them off.

"It's nice to meet you, Denzel." Aerith's mother smiled again before opening the door. "Come on in! Make yourselves at home."

No. No, no, _no._ This wasn't how this was supposed to work. It was supposed to be quick and painless.

"That's not necessary," he said even though Marlene and Denzel were already heading inside and preparing to make themselves at home. "We were just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop by and pick up the bouquet you wanted me to deliver."

Like the coward he was, he couldn't bring himself to say her name aloud. Hell, he couldn't even bring himself to utter the name of her final resting place.

"I'll be happy to go get it for you but you are more than welcome to stay for lunch," she replied.

"No. We—"

"Can we, Cloud?" Marlene asked anxiously as she tugged on his forearm.

He was reluctant. In fact, he was more than reluctant. Cloud would call it adamant. Yes, he would say that he was downright adamant about staying and Cloud was not necessarily a pushover but saying no to Marlene suddenly felt impossible. She undoubtedly wanted more time with Elmyra…and the feeling was probably mutual.

Desperate, he glanced back at Tifa. "Do you mind?"

Tifa looked at a loss as she folded her arms so tightly that her shoulders almost grazed her earlobes. She shook her head a bit before softly saying, "If she doesn't…"

Cloud's eyes reluctantly rose to meet Elmyra's.

"It's fine, I promise," she insisted after successfully reading their thoughts. "We'd be happy to have some company for a change. I can't tell you how long it's been since we've had visitors."

And just like that she was off to the kitchen with the kids, leaving Cloud feeling baffled and disarmed because he simply didn't know how to handle how okay she was with them invading her home. It was awkward but he supposed it could be a lot worse. Besides, she and Marlene seemed genuinely happy to see each other and that was enough to make this whole trip worth it.

* * *

During their meal, Elmyra had politely introduced him to her sister and niece as one of Aerith' dearest friends, someone who had been very important to her. She forgot to say that he was the bastard who'd gotten her killed.

She then proceeded to introduce Tifa in a similar fashion before collectively introducing her and the kids as his family, something that fit surprisingly well. It made him warm and caused his chest to swell with a modest amount of pride and only a small amount of embarrassment and shame. It didn't feel entirely right but it didn't feel wrong either. Not to mention, Tifa and the kids seemed surprisingly okay with the label.

Conversation floated around heavily and he participated as best he could although his heart wasn't really into it. He'd always been a man a few words and that often translated poorly, making him come across as rude or ungrateful even when he wasn't trying to come off that way.

They'd discussed the weather, his delivery service, and she'd asked about their life over the past few years. They'd told her about Denzel and he'd tiptoed around the subject of Tifa and how they lived together and were trying their best to raise Denzel and Marlene. He didn't want to spur more questions than necessary, and explaining the dynamic of his life with Tifa was a complicated endeavor in even the most ideal of situations…much less this one. He had no idea how Elmyra would feel about it.

More than anything, she talked to the kids, which was probably the biggest reason she'd asked them to stay for lunch. She probably couldn't care less about him and Tifa but she was genuinely fond of Marlene and after he and Tifa briefly told her how they thought Denzel was a gift from Aerith, she'd seemed rather taken with him as well.

"We should probably get going," he declared, rising to his feet once Marlene finished telling Elmyra about Barret and all the oil fields he'd found. "If you'll give me the bouquet you want delivered, we'll get out of your hair.

"Oh! Right. Give me a moment. I'll go get it for you."

Elmyra scurried out of the room and ventured up the nearby stairwell until she was out of sight.

Once she was gone, they proceeded to thank Elmyra's sister and niece for lunch and said their goodbyes. After that they ventured to the living room where they waited for Elmyra to return.

Leaning against the nearest wall, he watched Tifa as she aimlessly wandered through the room.

She eyed the various pictures than hung on the paisley walls as well as the other homey décor scattered through the space. She strolled around until she reached the old piano in the corner then stopped abruptly.

The next thing he knew, he was standing beside her and watching her every move closely.

Her fingers ghosted along the bleached keys, her eyes distant. Cloud hovered over her and privately wished he knew how to play Chopsticks.

_Man, my sense of humor sucks…_

"Remember how to play?" he asked instead.

"You mean you actually remember me playing?" she mused, sounding sarcastic yet genuinely surprised.

"I do."

_**FLASH** _

_The melody trickled out of her open window and down into his front yard. The familiar reverberation of ivory and taut strings meshing together in perfect harmony wriggled into his ears, giving him a strange sense of tranquility, making the world seem small._

_Back slightly slouched, he sat on one of the steps that led into his home, one knee pulled to his chest and an apple in his mouth._

_He sat there on the middle step, listening to her play and absentmindedly watching the town slowly come to life and hum with activity. His attention, however, was never far from the Lockhart house not even a few yards away. His eyes continually wandered to the window that he knew was connected to Tifa Lockhart's room, knowing Tifa herself was not far from it._

_She'd ventured back into her home for lunch not too long ago and had yet to reappear but Cloud would be there once she did, which was why he was taking his sweet time eating the apple he'd snatched out of the fruit bowel on his way out of his house. Once she finished her daily piano practice, she would come back out and he'd be able to see her up close, maybe even talk to her if he was lucky._

_As he waited, he played through all the possible scenarios in his head and figured out the appropriate responses and reactions for each._

_Cloud was confident in his capabilities. He felt like he could be smooth. He could impress her, right?_

_After what felt like ages, she finally emerged again, clad in that pretty little blue dress she'd been favoring of late. It hugged her still developing curves in all the right ways, making Cloud shift uncomfortably on the concrete step as a result and he wasn't even entirely sure why._

" _Hey, Cloud," she greeted casually as she made her way past him, a hint of a smile teasing her lips._

_Mouth full of partially chewed apple, he could only grunt and wave in response but it was enough. Waiting in that spot all afternoon was instantly worth it. That was what he had waited for all evening and while it wouldn't seem like much to anyone else, it was a lot to him…even if he hadn't been as smooth as he'd hoped…_

_**FLASH** _

"You used to play every day around lunchtime," he mused, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that he was now stating his thoughts aloud.

"That's right," she replied with a wistful grin as she lightly pressed on one of the white keys.

"I used to wait outside and listen to you."

"Really? Why?" Tifa chuckled as she placed another finger on another nearby key.

Cloud blushed. "You know why…"

Tifa's cheeks tinted red as well. "Still, I wasn't very good."

"Sounded good to me."

In fact, it had sounded _great_ to him. He'd thought it was the most beautiful sound on the Planet simply because she was the one creating it. To him, the greatest actress on the Planet reciting all five acts of _Loveless_ would have paled in comparison to her playing.

"I suppose I got the hang of it but it didn't come naturally. It took a lot of effort but I was determined to at least somewhat master it. Mother always wanted me to be able to play. I started getting lessons when she was still alive and I felt obligated to continue after she was gone. I guess it was kind of my way of trying to make her proud."

That explained a lot. Tifa was naturally gifted at a lot of things but she was better at even more because she worked so hard and she worked hard to make her mother proud and to compensate for her loss once she was gone. She wanted to excel at everything to appease her parents in one form or another. Excelling would make her mother happy and keep some of her widowed father's sadness at bay.

She'd done a great job. She was everything a father would have wanted in a daughter. Then Sephiroth killed him and all of her energy went into lessons with Zangan and ultimately, AVALANCE. Now he supposed she put it all into him and the kids, it went into keeping their little family together at its fraying seams.

Tifa played a soft little melody. He didn't even know pianos were capable of making that soft a sound. It was like the flutter of angel's wings, a tiny whisper but it still caught Marlene and Denzel's attention and they were suddenly making a beeline for Tifa and the aged instrument.

"You play the piano?" Denzel gawked, inspecting both Tifa and the piano with harsh scrutiny as if to ensure he wasn't being fooled or tricked.

Tifa smiled. "A little."

She continued to play a little piece to demonstrate her rusty skill to the kids and he recognized it instantly. It was one of the many tunes she'd play as he listened to her from outside. It was one of his favorites, one that would stick in his head long after she'd stopped playing and he'd find himself humming it as he went about his day. Once he'd come home subconsciously humming it. He hadn't even known he was humming until Mother told him it was pretty and asked where he'd heard it.

" _I don't know if I've ever seen you smile before."_

Cloud jerked and saw Elmyra looking up at him with an amused look on her face and a bouquet of bright yellow flowers in her arms.

_I'm smiling? Huh. I guess I am…_

"You've always had this humorless air to you," she mused as she placed the flowers on the nearby coffee table. "Even back then you walked around like you had the Planet on your shoulders. Then after Meteorfall you looked so broken that I wondered if you would ever piece yourself back together but I can see now that you have."

"I don't know about that but…I'm trying."

"Good. That's what Aerith would want. She would want you happy and I think you and Tifa are right about Denzel. I believe that he was her way of trying to help you find some peace and happiness."

"She did always have this way of knowing what people needed." He looked down at the bouquet of flowers and he didn't have to ask to know where these particular flowers had come from. They were from Elmyra's yard back in Midgar, which meant they hadn't been destroyed after Meteor after all.

Elmyra followed his gaze to the flowers then back to Tifa and the kids.

"Are you and Tifa…?" Elmyra couldn't finish the sentence anymore than he could really answer it.

A grimace was his only response.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry or make you uncomfortable. Since you two live together, I just assumed…"

Cloud was not equipped to handle this. Plain and simple. This was exactly the kind of things he'd wanted to avoid.

Elmyra smiled at his unease. "Aerith wouldn't care one way or another as long as you're happy."

He nodded, knowing it was true but that had never stopped the guilt he'd felt for being happy. Happiness had been part of his cycle of misery. It was part of the reason he'd lived the way he had for so long.

She was suddenly laughing to herself. "You know, somehow, I always knew it was going to be her."

Cloud's brow furrowed with intense confusion. What was _that_ supposed to mean?

"I think I knew from the moment she walked into my house with you and Aerith. And I think – I think Aerith knew it too in one form or another…that in the end, it would be Tifa."

That honestly wouldn't really surprise him. Aerith just… _knew_ things and if she had anticipated or sensed that particular possibility, then that would explain why she acted the way she had sometimes.

"I said that I wanted you to stay away because of Zack, because you were another SOLDIER. I didn't want Aerith to be in danger or to go through another heartbreak, but there was something else about you that made me anxious... I think I sensed Tifa's mark on you before I ever laid eyes on her and when she came in with you, all long black hair and big doe eyes… Call it a mother's intuition but somehow, I just knew."

Cloud gazed down at her and thought of apologizing again for all the grief and pain he'd caused them but felt like she wasn't asking him to. It was like she was merely stating fact, like she was trying to give him peace or maybe even wipe away some of his confusion.

At that moment, he realized that in a way, Elmyra was right. Even when he couldn't remember Tifa the way he remembered he now, even when the memories and those old feelings were forgotten and faded, even when he wasn't really Cloud, Tifa had always pulsed with life in that pathetic weary thing he had the gall to call a heart. Maybe… Maybe it _had_ always been Tifa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> This chapter was a bit different. It was Cloti but without the usual fluff. I slowed down a bit for this one to confront some necessary evils. Cloud has to heal in order to be a good man for Tifa, you know? And a think this was a big healing chapter. Not that the others weren't about healing but to me, this one was a bit more direct. Maybe you enjoyed it all the same even though it wasn't like the last few chapters. But, hey, what's the fun in a redundant, predictable story? Everyone likes a little change of pace every now and then, right?
> 
> Also, how would you guys feel about a Cloti story starting when Cloud and Tifa meet and finishing after the Nibelhiem incident? The flashback in this chapter was fun to write and I got on a roll and wrote several others like it and I was on the fence about whether to wedge them into this story or to just write a new Cloti story solely dedicated to pre Mako poisoning Cloud and his life in Nibelhiem before joining SOLDIER. What do you guys think?
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed Part X!


	11. Part XI

* * *

_Men do change,_

_And change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn,_

_And it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass._

_\- John Steinbeck_

* * *

"Let's go, Marlene."

Stretching slightly, Cloud rose from the pew and began making his way out of the church.

"Five more minutes!" she called back without casting her gaze away from the budding flowers.

It had been five more minutes fifteen minutes ago but Cloud continued to comply with Marlene's wants (something he'd been making a habit of lately). After all, he didn't know when he would be able to haul her back out here again.

Ever since their visit to Elmyra's, Cloud had tried to keep his word and did his best to bring Marlene out to Aerith's church in Midgar at least once a week. Sometimes he managed to do more and sometimes he fell short but he had been consistent in trying. Apparently, that was his motivation in life: to try. So far he felt he'd been doing a pretty good job.

Hoping that actually leaving the church would show Marlene how serious he was about leaving this time, he descended the steps and began kicking around some of the scrap in the churchyard surrounding Fenrir.

Over the years, he'd tried to make the churchyard more presentable but he would never get that far or make any great progress. It seemed to reproduce or perhaps he was just so out of it he hadn't realized how little work he'd actually done.

The churchyard had never been pretty. It was in the slums, after all but after Meteorfall, it hadn't stood a chance. Midgar, aside from a few areas, was mainly nothing but metal scrap, waste, and various forms of wreckage. Still, Cloud couldn't keep himself from trying to sort out some of the rubble and scrap metal littered throughout the area.

Cloud took another brief walk around the church, giving Marlene more time to tend to the flowers and simultaneously giving himself something to do.

He finished his lap and reached the front of the church again but there was no sign of Marlene. Getting her out was apparently going to call for more drastic measures.

Just as he decided to crank Fenrir and hopefully scare Marlene away from the flowerbed, his phone began ringing.

He held the phone to his ear but had no formal greeting. Common cellphone protocol for Cloud was to pick up and wait for someone to start talking to him. Anyone who called him often knew this and probably listened for his breathing instead of a _hello._

" _Hey, where are you two?"_

Tifa.

"Still at the church. We are about to leave though."

" _Okay. I'll go ahead and start dinner then. Have any requests?"_

"Something edible."

He could hear her faint snickering _. "I'll see what I can do. I'll see you soon. Be careful. Okay?"_

"Okay." He hung up and slipped the phone back into his pocket. "Marlene!"

"Coming!" Marlene busted out of the front of the church and began bounding her way towards him and Fenrir.

Silently, he handed her the helmet he'd gotten for her and was about to help her secure it to her head when some nearby scrap toppled over, followed by the sound of some animal or monster howling.

Cloud's instincts took over and he was immediately pulling Marlene behind him and putting himself between her and whatever was coming out of the heap of debris.

Slowly but surely, something speckled, striped, and filthy came crawling out from under a half a rusty car door toward them.

Marlene let out a soft gasp behind him before rushing towards it. "It's a cat!"

Cat? No. This was something that might have once been a cat _at best_! It was ridiculously skinny with matted fur that consisted of about five different colors, a crooked tail, and an ear and a half. The other appeared to have been gnawed or partially ripped off by something.

Before she could get too close to it, Cloud pulled Marlene back and went forward to inspect the thing himself. He needed to determine if it was dangerous, feral, or if he needed to figure out some humane way to put it out of its misery… It was possible it was some mutant made from all the toxins leaking out of the old Shinra building. Hell, this thing could be some experiment from one of the old labs! It could even be something deformed by all the Lifestream exposure here. The list went on and on of all the things that could be wrong with…it.

The thing Marlene called a cat bristled, bowed its back, and hissed at him. However, it continued to hold its ground as he closed in on it. It didn't run away.

It was bold. He'd give it that much.

Cloud reached down, took hold of the loose skin at the back of its neck and lifted it for further inspection.

"Don't hurt him!" Marlene whimpered as she eased closer to him as if to protect it but it sounded more like a scolding for him than genuine concern for the… _cat._

"I'm not hurting it," he replied as he lifted it higher, closer to eye level.

To his surprise, it only had four legs and only one thin tail. It had two eyes, two ears (one more chipped than the other), a mouth, and what appeared to be normal cat teeth.

It did appear to be a normal cat, a very ugly cat but a cat nonetheless.

Marlene was next to him now, holding her arms out for the mangy thing. It had stopped hissing at the sight of her and hadn't tried to claw her to shreds yet (it saved that for him and his wrist), so he assumed it wasn't too feral.

Cautiously, he lowered the cat into her arms and the instant it's unkempt hair made contact with Marlene's skin, it began purring and Marlene began cooing to it as if it were a baby.

It appeared to be a hodgepodge of every kind of cat breed imaginable. It was mostly black but the black was soiled by little blonde and brown speckles splattered throughout. It's belly and feet were white…in places but one of its hind legs was orange with yellow stripes but only up to its hip. Identical stripes were on a piece of its face, but only a piece located over half its nose and right eye. Its nose was pink, its chin white with a black spot on it, and eyes a deep, golden yellow. Cloud knew little about cat breeding but he knew this wasn't what cats were supposed to look like. It literally looked like someone had pieced like ten different cats together and made a whole new cat that didn't look like any of them.

Leaning against Fenrir, he allowed Marlene to play with and pet the thing for a few minutes. She put it on the ground, stroked its bony tail as it rubbed up against her ankles.

"You're gonna get fleas…" Cloud mused, almost laughing even though he was dead serious.

Marlene giggled. "Can we take him home?"

Cloud shook his head.

"Why not? Denzel has his fish," she argued, clumsily pulling the thing back into her arms. He was relieved when it just hung there, limp instead of clawing at her or coarsely leaping out of her arms.

Somehow he knew she would throw the fish factor at him. A few weeks back, he'd made a delivery to Junon with Denzel and one of his regulars had given him several pet fish. They were meant for both Denzel and Marlene but because Denzel was more prone to take care of them, they seemed more like his fish. And to be honest, Cloud thought this was due to the fact that Marlene simply wasn't that interested in them, probably because she couldn't hold or pet them.

"I told you those fish were for both of you," he countered.

"Yeah but they are more Denzel's than mine. He"—she squeezed it, resting her cheek on its head—"can be mine."

"Marlene…" he sighed and raked a hand through his hair. This was another one of those parenting milestones, the dreaded _can-we-keep-it_ scenario.

"Can we at least take him home and get him something to eat? He'll die if we leave him here…"

That was probably true. Frankly, Cloud didn't even know how the thing had survived out here as long as it had. It probably lived off rats or anything else that might be living underneath all the rubble.

He really had to hand it to Marlene, she knew how to bargain and compromise. Something she'd probably learned from watching Barret haggle with people over the years. It also didn't help that Cloud was prone to let the kids get their way lately. He wasn't sure when that started happening but he did know that it was a result of his guilt over leaving them. He told himself it was a phase and that he would get over it after enough time passed, after he felt he'd made up for his prior neglect, after he proved himself to them and stopped being haunted by the time Marlene asked him why he never paid any attention to them...

Sighing, Cloud began emptying one of the compartments on the back of Fenrir, removing anything a cat might rip to shreds such as blankets, spare parts, food and the like.

"You aren't gonna put him in there, are you?" Marlene squeaked, clearly appalled.

"We can't hold it." He took a few steps toward the cat and it started hissing again. He wondered if it smelled the Mako on his skin, sensed the Jenova cells in his veins. Could it sense that he wasn't like other humans?

Reluctantly, Marlene handed the thing back to him and he gently stuffed it into the compartment. It instantly began howling to get out.

"He'll be okay in there, right?" Marlene placed a hand on the compartment lid as if it would help comfort it.

Cloud mounted Fenrir and jarred the bike to life. "It'll be fine. I have the feeling it's been through much worse."

* * *

As soon as Cloud parked Fenrir in front of Seventh Heaven, Marlene practically propelled herself off the bike to go to the thing's rescue.

Cloud had barely gotten the kickstand down when he heard the loud, guttural noise that was this thing's imitation of purring. He knew Tifa would probably hear them coming with the way that things was purring now that Marlene was holding it again.

Marlene blazed into the building, hodgepodge in tow, as if she'd won the lottery or found this great treasure.

Tifa smiled at them as they entered the bar but her smile was replaced by confusion at the sight of the thing in Marlene's arms. The way Marlene had swaddled it up in one of the blankets he kept in Fenrir, Tifa probably thought it was a baby. Marlene was certainly holding it like one. The only giveaway was its mismatched face peaking out of the swaddle but he didn't know if Tifa could see it.

"What's that?" Tifa asked him softly, calmly.

"A cat," Cloud replied matter-of-factly as if she had never seen a cat before.

Tifa blinked. "Why is it here?"

"We found it at the church and Marlene didn't want to leave it in Midgar to die, so we decided to bring it back here and give it something to eat."

"Do we have any milk?" Marlene inquired eagerly, the thing cradled securely in her arms as she bobbed toward Tifa.

"We can't keep it. This is a bar. It would be a major health violation," Tifa replied with a shake of her head.

"At least I didn't bring another kid home this time." He shrugged.

"Yeah." She laughed a little and folded her arms over her chest as she inspected it. "At least there's that. We definitely couldn't afford another kid. I don't even know if we can afford a cat."

"Is that a cat?" Denzel asked as he casually entered the kitchen.

"Yep! Cloud and I found him by the church," Marlene declared, still showing the thing off as if it were the most beautiful thing in the world. Cloud would understand if it was actually cute but it wasn't. It was honestly one of the funkiest if not _the_ funkiest cat he'd ever seen.

"Are we keeping it?" Denzel asked, his eyes darting between Cloud and Tifa.

"For now i suppose…" Tifa sighed as she poured some milk into a small bowl and placed it onto the floor.

The thing made a weird noise and Marlene put him down so he could help himself, which he did. Aggressively.

The purring resumed and intensified when the kids sat on the floor next to it and began taking turns stroking it.

"Don't go getting attached to it," Cloud cautioned.

It growled a little, as if the sound of his voice had reminded it of his presence and he was almost tempted to growl back.

"It hates me. By the way," he said to Tifa and she covered her mouth to keep from simpering.

Tifa put the milk jug back into the fridge before moving to pull the bread she'd baked for dinner out of the oven. She placed it onto the counter a bit to quickly to keep from burning herself and accidentally knocked a nearby whiskey bottle off the counter and into the floor. The bottle shattered, startling the kids and the thing as the dark liquid began spreading across the floor.

"…Crap…" Tifa groused but Cloud could tell by the way she said it that she really wanted to curse.

Cloud moved to grab the broken bottle as Tifa bolted for the closet holding the mop and broom.

He picked up the larger bits of glass and tossed them into the waste basket and when he moved back to see if there were any other pieces he could pick up, he saw that the thing had abandoned the milk and was now lapping the whiskey up off the floor.

Marlene and Denzel were giggling as he and Tifa stood there in awe. Cloud snickered despite himself and Tifa laughed in disbelief as she leaned against the broom handle.

"All right, Whiskey." Tifa chided as she lifted it off the floor and headed toward the bathroom. "No more liquor for you. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cut you off."

* * *

"It fascinates me how much laundry we go through in a day," Tifa mused as she folded one of Denzel's shirts in her lap. "If I had known there was this much to go through, I would have made the kids help me."

After successfully getting the kids to bed with… _Whiskey,_ Cloud had helped Tifa haul their laundry to her room and she had immediately begun folding and going through all of it. She now sat on the floor surrounded by various piles of clothing.

"Could be worse. You could be back in the wilderness washing Cid and Barret's sweaty clothes in streams and ponds," Cloud countered passively as he sat on her bed.

Tifa visibly cringed. "This is true."

Cloud remembered how Tifa had sacrificed her own comfort for the sake of their hygiene. Thankfully, inns and running water were relatively handy throughout their travels but there were days when they got pretty rank. Yuffie would complain about the smell and Tifa would then politely beg that they find a body of water to wash off in. They would eventually be forced to comply and give Tifa their clothes so she could attempt to work some feminine magic on them.

He would never forget how happy Tifa'd looked when Vincent had finally given her an article of his clothing. He never let the others see him without his trademark red cape, but after a particularly nasty encounter with a Malboro, he pulled Tifa aside and allowed her to aid him in cleaning it.

That was just the magic Tifa had to her. She didn't even have to try and she probably wasn't even really aware of her powerful charisma but if she could conquer Vincent Valentine, she could conquer anyone.

"Want some help?" he offered.

She glanced up at him briefly before shaking her head. "No. You've had a long day and I can tell that you're tired. You can help by keeping me company."

He could do that. It was probably for the best anyway. There was the distinct possibility that he would just mess up the folding process and she'd end up having to do it all again anyway.

There was suddenly howling in the doorway and then the thing was in the room with them, sauntering through and over the piles of clothes surrounding Tifa. It sniffed around, turning its nose up at his articles of clothing. Eventually it settled on one of Tifa's shirts and began trying to make a bed out of it.

"No, Whiskey." Tifa sighed, picked it up, and shooed it back towards the doorway.

It didn't leave though. It kept trying to make the piles of clothes into a bed but when Tifa continued to foil his plans, he surrendered and settled for curling up next to her hip instead.

Tifa looked down at it sternly, clearly thinking of putting it outside or in the hall and shutting the door to keep it out but ended up ignoring it since it technically wasn't causing any trouble even though it was supposed to be in bed with Marlene.

Murmuring something he couldn't understand under her breath, she resumed her task. Tifa diligently continued to fold their clothes into neat stacks and it reminded him so much of how he use to keep watch for her while she worked on their party's garments in some pond, creek, or lake. She was always careful about where she washed and dried their clothes. She would pick relatively safe areas with trees or rocks providing her with cover from anything that might want to attack her but there were times when she would be uncovered and vulnerable. Regardless, Cloud being Cloud, would always demand someone go with her and keep watch in case things got hairy.

Cloud and the others had tried to help her out with some of the heftier loads from the really messy or sweaty days and she would try to show them how to clean them either with or without soap (depending on their supply). However, Tifa would usually grow weary of explaining or of their mistakes, so she usually tended to the washing herself, which, now that he thought about it, wasn't too unlike their situation now.

He intently watched her make steady work of their clothes and found himself drifting away into his head. He watched her hands, her fingers, and even the clean pallet of her fingernails. Her hands moved gracefully as she folded clothes again and again with care.

When she picked up one of her white tank tops, he went even further into his mind, beyond the present and into the past, into his memory bank…

_**FLASH** _

_There was no such thing as privacy anymore. Modesty had gone out of the window a while back. Cloud couldn't remember when exactly. He just knew it was long gone now._

_The only time any consideration was taken into account was around Yuffie because she was younger. Tifa, however, had been exposed to it all because she was more mature and since she was the one who would always offer to rinse out their clothes._

_Vincent would always refuse but Barret and Cid would strip off in front of her without a second thought._

_Cloud liked to be more considerate. He at least tried to be. Besides, he wasn't that thrilled about the thought of completely exposing himself to Tifa in this context even though there was the possibility he had a few times by accident._

_Unlike Barret and Cid, Tifa still tried to hold onto some of her modesty and her privacy. As a result, if they were in the woodlands or other wildernesses where they were without running water for various periods of time, Tifa would go off on her own to take a bath of sorts in any body of water she could find._

_They'd made camp near a creek not too long ago. Navigating the Ancient Forrest had proven to be more challenging than they had initially anticipated so they had been forced to make camp after they'd lost daylight and almost lost Cait Sith to a carnivores plant they hadn't been able to see._

_The tents were up. Barret was already asleep and snoring in one of them. Cid was propped up against a nearby tree trunk, smoking a cigarette and flicking his lighter on and off. Vincent was cleaning his gun and counting bullets while Cait Sith rambled on and on about something Cloud could see Vincent wasn't the least bit interested in. Vincent probably wasn't even listening. He was probably miles away in his own mind. Meanwhile, Yuffie was pulling some of the various parasites and debris out of Red XIII's fur, something he seemed to be enjoying thoroughly._

_Cloud, however, couldn't relax with Tifa gone. All he could do was poke at the fire, collect firewood they didn't need, or pace until he'd worked grooves into the forest floor. He'd wanted to go with her but she'd been adamant about wanting to be alone and having some privacy. That didn't keep him from worrying though._

" _I'm gonna go check on Tifa," he finally said when he couldn't stand it anymore._

" _She won't like that," Yuffie warned in a singsong voice._

_Cloud didn't reply. He just began heading back into the woods._

" _Don't come cryin' to us when she clocks ya again!" Cid called after him but Cloud didn't stop. He wasn't afraid of Tifa clocking him again even though that had hurt like hell. He was afraid of something happening to her while she was out in this dense woodland alone and probably vulnerable if she were still in the water._

" _Tifa?" Cloud called into the thick, night air once he could hear the steady trickle of water coming from the creek they'd past a few hours ago._

"Cloud?! Is something wrong?"

_She was nearby but still pretty far away. He couldn't see her but he could hear her voice and the water sloshing around her._

" _No," he admitted, his tone a bit sheepish. "I just wanted to make sure you were alright."_

"I'm fine. I'm almost done. Just…don't come any closer…"

_That was code for nudity but he wanted to know where she was exactly in case the unthinkable happened. He trudged through the unbearably thick foliage, jumped over the hearty tree roots, and climbed over the fallen tree trunks, all of which were essentially the same blinding shade of green. Nightfall had dulled the green and the moonlight made it less pronounced by adding streaks of silver and white to the landscape but it was still enough green to smother anyone._

_Occasionally there was a red plant with barbed teeth, a purple vine, or some blue orbs handing from trees like lanterns, but everything else essentially had the same tinge of green. Even the water of the creek now that he saw it had a greenish hue to it despite the moonlight on it._

_Due to all the green, Tifa's form stuck out like a beacon. He could see the outline of her, waist deep in the creek with her hair hanging loosely around her, floating in the water behind her like a trail of oil._

_He looked away the instant he spotted her, respecting her privacy despite his curiosity, despite the fact that his first – and very impulsive – instinct was to get closer._

_To remove some of the temptation, Cloud turned his back on her and rested it against the trunk of the nearest tree. He focused on the opposite end of the creek instead, staring out as the water belched steam into the gray, violet sky overhead._

_As he waited, fatigue began wrapping its tendrils around his limbs. It was occurring to him just how tired he was from fighting these woods and its inhabitants all day. He should have listened to Red XIII when he told him to rest while Tifa bathed instead of pacing the camp like a paranoid idiot._

"Where are my clothes?!"

" _What?!"_

_The fatigue vanished like a puff of Cid's smoke and just like that, he was back in action, leaping over roots and fallen trees like he'd just entered the woods._

_He could hear her, so he tried to follow the sound of her voice but again, he couldn't see her._

"My clothes were gone. Do you have them?"

_Cloud stopped dead in his tracks. "No. I was waiting farther away like you asked."_

" _Then who took them? If Yuffie is messing with me, tell her it isn't funny."_

" _Yuffie is at camp."_

_Tifa then began screaming into the woods for Reno to give her clothes back before she made mincemeat out of his face._

" _I don't think Reno's out there. We haven't seen the Turks in a while…"_

" _Then something took them…" He could hear her gentle footfalls in the lush foliage. They were closer and she was probably barefoot._

" _Where are you?!"_

"To your right..."

_He took a few more steps forward, trying to follow her voice. He could tell she was close and after several more steps, he saw a sliver of her face and a bare shoulder peaking out behind the trunk of a huge, moss-covered tree. He also briefly saw the whites of her eyes, the outer curve of her side, and her hand gripping anxiously at the lush moss blanketing the rough bark._

" _Uh, how much did they take…?" He was looking away, nervously scratching at the back of his neck._

"…"

" _Tifa?" he said a bit louder but his eyes didn't leave the spotted tree frog he'd spotted on a nearby log._

" _Everything but my underwear… I was trying to get clean!" she whined, trying to defend her carelessness._

" _Okay… Just…" Unsure of how else to handle this, Cloud slipped his shirt off his head and extended it in the direction of the tree. "Here. Wear this for now."_

_She hesitated for a moment until she likely reached the same conclusion he had come to. She knew there wasn't much choice. This was surely better than nothing, and after another second or two, he began hearing the rustling of fabric._

" _Is it long enough to…? You know… Cover everything?"_

_A very meek, slumped, and slightly damp Tifa came out from behind the tree in nothing but his shirt. She was fiddling with her hair, rubbing at her shoulders, and avoiding eye contact._

" _It'll do."_

 _Cloud's throat went dry. Yeah. The shirt was long enough to cover everything but just barely. There was a lot of leg, too much if he really thought about it but he couldn't think. All train of thought outside of how she looked in that shirt was long gone. Long,_ **long** _gone…_

" _Uh…" It was impolite to stare but it was hard not to. She looked…tantalizing yet somehow he managed to recover. "Whatever took your clothes couldn't have gotten far. I'll, uh, go get some of the others and we'll search the area."_

_He turned abruptly to rip his eyes away from all the temptation but before he could get to far, she'd lunged forward and yanked him back by the curve of his elbow._

" _No! Cloud, please, don't tell the others. This is embarrassing enough as it is…" Her eyes were big and pleading as he looked down at her and her hands were warm despite the dampness that still clung to them._

_She was too close and the moonlight leaking through the canopy overhead was clearly trying its hardest to make her look even better. He could see some of the water still glittering along her skin and the paleness of that skin in contrast to all that dark hair curtaining around her and his shirt was nothing if not stunning. It was honestly one of the most endearing, appealing things he had ever seen. Urges were popping up like hives and he could feel them itching underneath his skin, demanding he acknowledge them._

" _Okay," he said and he hoped his voice wasn't as rough or husky as it felt. "We better start looking though."_

_There were few minor encounters with Diablos, Rilfsaks, and the like, but during those encounters, Cloud was sure he had never been more distracted. Her legs kept filling his vision and she kept pulling his shirt down to cover herself but sometimes, she couldn't pull it down quick enough. To make things worse, she was continually tempted to kick but would have to backtrack when she remembered her lack of dress._

_After a while, they discovered that a small flock of Epiolnis had found her clothes and scattered them through the woods with their beaks, paw-like appendages, and talons. It was then like finishing a puzzle, trying to figure out what was missing. Bit by bit, Tifa threw on the clothes as they found them. Cloud would be lying if he said he wasn't a bit disappointed when she shimmied her leather skirt up her legs. However, watching it go up her legs was…satisfying._

_Last but not least, they found her white tank top. Relief, visibly washed over her as the shirt found its way into her hands._

" _Hang on a second. I'll give you your shirt back."_

_Tifa disappeared behind the nearest tree and Cloud waited patiently against a tree of his own._

_Eventually she reemerged as Tifa again. He was glad to see the old Tifa but a part of him would miss that vulnerable version of her, the one who had continually yet accidentally given him glimpses of precious skin._

_Cloud couldn't keep himself from grinning at her as she held his shirt out to him._

" _Thanks for letting me borrow this." Even in the darkness he could see her blush._

_When he put his shirt back on, the prominent scent that was strictly Tifa Lockhart overwhelmed him._

_**FLASH** _

The shirt she held now was identical to the shirt he'd found lying on the ground that night even though he knew it wasn't the same shirt. Still, something about seeing her lift another almost identical shirt off the floor caused those memories to echo off his brain.

"Remember when you lost your clothes in the Ancient Forrest?" he asked, smirking.

Tifa subtly bit her bottom lip to hide her smile. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You'd gone off on your own to wash off in the creek and—"

"I thought we had agreed to never speak of that again," she said softly, trying to sound stern but it was clear to him that she was trying to fight chuckles.

"No. I just agreed not to tell the others." Cloud had no idea where this playfulness was coming from but he just went with it.

Tifa grinned but kept her eyes on the pile of clothes next to her. "What made you think of that?"

"Your shirt."

"Huh." She held it up and eyed it skeptically. "I guess it does look like my old shirt."

"Maybe nothing will steal this one," he teased.

She shot him a glare but it was half-hearted at best.

Once all the folding was done, Cloud helped Tifa put away half of the load. He took his clothes to his room but didn't dare try to sneak into the kid's room. He let Tifa handle that. She was much quieter and was use to pulling stunts like that. It amazed him out she somehow knew she wouldn't wake them.

Even though he was a supposedly superior sample of the human species with better eyesight and reflexes than most, he still didn't trust himself with going into that room and putting away the kid's clothes. He just knew he would knock something over or step on a creaky floorboard or sneeze or something.

After putting his clothes away, for some reason, he followed Tifa back to her room.

"Need help with anything else?" he asked.

"Hmmm." She mulled it over for a moment as she put the last pair of shorts into her chest of drawers. "I don't think so. I'm probably about to wash up and go to bed."

Cloud nodded but didn't leave. He lingered there but she left to go to the bathroom, likely assuming he would leave. He didn't though. He stayed and when she came back, he was lying across her bed.

Surprise flashed across her face for a moment but she said nothing about it, keeping her thoughts and any potential objections to herself. Instead she just said, "Not sleepy?"

"Not really."

He didn't know why. He should by all accounts be sleepy. He'd done his deliveries for the day, come back to Edge, picked up Marlene, and then, took her to Aerith's church. After that they'd found the cat thing…

"We probably need to talk about the cat," she said as she crawled onto the bed next to him.

"Mm." He nodded. "I'll start asking around to see if anyone wants a cat."

She laughed and looked down at it sleeping on the floor. "You think anyone would want it?"

Cloud grimaced. "Maybe some kid will find it charming the way Marlene does."

"And if they don't?"

"We'll figure something out. In the meantime, we can keep it outside. If we're lucky, it'll run off or take up with one of the neighborhood kids."

Tifa nodded and rested her head on his chest. "I'll try to fatten it up so it will stand a better chance of finding a home."

"That thing needs a lot more than some extra weight… Weight won't help its looks much but I guess healthy and ugly is better than skinny and ugly." His head subconsciously angled towards hers until his cheek was resting lightly against her hair.

She laughed softly, jokingly chastising him about being mean to the cat before yawning. Her hand made its way to his chest and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. Tifa treated his shirts like pacifiers, taking hold of them like a baby latches its mouth onto rubber nipples and teething rings.

His hand found the top of her own, gently drawing invisible circles and lines up and down the length of her bare arm with his fingertips as he stared blankly at the ceiling, his mind wandering.

Cloud didn't know when they'd found this comfort with one another again. It had crept up on him. He didn't mind though. He'd missed this kind of thing…with her. It kept the inevitable bad days at bay and when they did come – and they always did – they weren't as bad. They were bearable. Maybe he was finally proving himself to her. Maybe he was finally, _finally_ what people might consider _better._

Just as he was about to drift off into a contented sleep, the cat leapt onto the bed.

"No, Whiskey," Tifa groused but was too tired to do anything to him. She probably didn't even open her eyes. "Get down."

Cloud pushed at it with his foot, trying to shoo it away but it only hissed at him and crawled onto Tifa.

Yawning, Tifa released his shirt, rolled onto her back, and began scratching the thing behind its good ear.

Cloud was suddenly kind of jealous of that thing.

"Why don't you like Cloud, huh?" she asked it in a singsong tone. "He's not that bad once you get use to him."

Tifa moved the cat closer to the foot of the bed near her feet so she could return to his chest. Before Cloud even knew what he was doing, he was moving his arms away so she could get into them. Like always, once she was comfortable, she grabbed a fistful of his shirt and nestled into his side as the cat did something similar near one of Tifa's legs.

Cloud could tell Tifa was trying not to like that ugly cat so that she wouldn't have any trouble parting with it but he wanted to warn her that sometimes that strategy didn't work. He knew from experience. Sometimes, things could still burrow their way into your heart and stay there. After all, that was what she and the kids had done to him but he didn't really mind anymore. Having something precious, while still scary, was no longer as terrifying as it once was. Again, he wasn't sure when that had happened either. These changes kept creeping up on him.

Sleep was creeping up on him too and after sleeping next to Tifa for a while, he eased out from under her and pried her stubborn fingers off his shirt.

He held her hand for a moment longer, running his thumb across her lethal knuckles and brushing some of her hair away from her face.

Cloud stared at her for a moment then, as quietly and as gently as he could, pressed his lips to hers.

Just what he was hoping to accomplish by doing this, he didn't know. He suddenly felt like a curious thirteen year old who'd never kissed anyone and wanted to experiment. No, he felt like himself at thirteen, too shy to kiss her while she was awake, terrified of rejection and heartbreak but desperate for the comfort, her taste.

She was warm, her breathing slow and even, and her lips soft. A part of him wished she were awake so she would be more responsive.

Her eyes opened as he pulled away and she smiled at him. It was small but it was genuine and reached her eyes. She looked legitimately and wholeheartedly happy. As he smiled back, he realized, in that fleeting moment, he might be too…

"Stay," she whispered.

How many times had she asked this of him? Not much recently, but before he ran away, she use to ask him this a lot and he would always find some reason to deny her of the request even though he use to stay with her through the night often. Now, she was apparently confident and comfortable enough to ask this of him again. It was yet another step in the right direction, proof that he was slowly yet surely regaining her trust but he doubted he deserved it yet.

Stay. She wanted him to stay and despite his better judgment, he did.


	12. Part XII

* * *

_"I cannot," never accomplished anything._

_"I will try," has wrought wonders._

_– J. Hawes_

* * *

There were moments when Cloud wrestled with the prospect of _what if_. What if things were different? What if he had done something differently? What if he hadn't been selfish? What if he hadn't imbedded himself into Tifa's life? What if after Meteor, he hadn't been so afraid of being alone? What if he hadn't relied on her? Used her as the foundation to build his future on?

Sometimes he tried to think of what Tifa's life could have been like if he hadn't interfered. Honestly, there were not many options for Cloud. Even if he had a magic time machine, he probably would end up right where he was now. Tifa was stuck with him but what if she wasn't? Tifa had more options. They were stuck with each other but what if they weren't? It was hard to picture because they had become such a staple in each other's lives. They were poisoned with each other and you can't just get stuff like that out of your system. He knew that better than anyone because he'd tried.

Who knows, maybe she could have had a real husband and a real family, that _real_ family she always talked about. She could have moved on…eventually if he hadn't acted to selfishly. If he hadn't been this alien substance that stuck to her and clung to her skin no matter how much water was used to wipe him away.

He'd called her out to the well, promising her a hero. He'd come stumbling into Midgar full of Mako and another man's memories. He'd hauled her into a world of chaos and once it was over, he didn't have the strength to be alone, to be without her. He'd wanted her there with him, so he stayed with her because she was the most important thing in his life and he simply couldn't picture life without her. He had all but made it impossible for either of them to ever be without the other and subconsciously, that had apparently been his intention and he'd gotten his wish. He'd gotten what he wanted. But now…now that she was here and they were stuck with each other and two kids, he wondered if she had what she really wanted. He wondered if she wanted…more. He knew she deserved it but did she _want_ it? Even if she did, Cloud doubted he was capable of what _'more'_ entailed.

_More…_

What was more? Deep down, Cloud knew the answer. Tifa wanted their family to be real. A real family was probably what she'd wish for. That would make her happy. That's what she would have sought out if he hadn't gotten in the way. So, what did real families have that theirs didn't? Sure, they'd skipped a few steps… Wasn't it supposed to be love, marriage, and then, kids? Well, they had kids but not in the traditional sense. Their children were children of bond not blood but that didn't make them any less special. Cloud doubted he would feel no different about his own flesh and blood and he knew Tifa undoubtedly felt the same way.

Deciding that the kids weren't the problem, he supposed where they lacked the _'real'_ part of the family was in the love and marriage department.

_Damn._

Tifa would probably want more of a commitment. She wanted something he probably couldn't give. Yes, Tifa would be content with whatever he offered and he took advantage of that often but he didn't want her _content_ , he wanted her… _happy_. Her happiness was his own, and if anyone deserved happiness, she did so…

Cloud shifted on the barstool. Just thinking about this was making him uncomfortable. He didn't know how to wine and dine a woman. He and Tifa had skipped that particular aspect of a relationship and had jumped right into living together…

Okay, so what would Tifa want? If they were a real family, he and Tifa would have gone on dates. They would share a bedroom, _consistently_. He'd make an honest woman out of her. He would _'settle down'_ as his mother had once put it. He supposed now was as good a time as any to attempt to ' _settle down'_ in a more realistic sense. However, despite the obvious flaws with his memory, he was pretty sure he'd meant what he said to his mother. He was not interested in her definition of _'settling down'_. Cloud Strife had come to the conclusion several times over that he was not a marrying man. He still struggled to process such a concept and there were a mountain of reasons for that. He was a psychologist's wet dream. They would have an absolute field day analyzing his psyche and coming up with an explanation for why he resented such concepts.

But seriously, try to picture it? Him, Cloud Strife, in a tux and foaming words of devotion at the mouth at some alter. It couldn't be done.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to remember that he was getting ahead of himself. Tifa told him to take his time. He told _himself_ to take his time and to take things slowly.

_Little by little… Inch-by-inch… One step at a time... Baby steps, Strife, baby steps. Remember? Let's try something smaller first and go from there. Okay?_

"Tifa?" he called a bit louder than normal. His tone was clipped but not because he was irritated with her. He was just irritated in general. His musings had gotten on his nerves and he was trying to dissolve them by speaking.

"Hmm?" She didn't take her eyes off the dishes she was washing. It was right after the lunch rush and things had slowed down substantially and the kids were outside playing with some of the other children in their neighborhood, so it was essentially just them for the moment.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" Cloud said rapidly before the words could lodge in his throat or before he could have the chance to talk himself out of it.

Tifa put the shot glass she was washing down so she could pin him down with her gaze. She looked genuinely confused. "What…do you mean?"

"Like…out." _You are pathetic, Strife._

"Uh, sure." Tifa shrugged and plunged her hands into the sink again.

Okay, so that wasn't a _no_ but it wasn't the best of reactions. But what had he been expecting when he asked her in such a way. He doubted she even really understood what he was asking. Hell, _he_ didn't even know what he was asking!

"I'm sure the kids would like to get out of the house for a while," she added.

Cloud's face went rosy. "No, I mean, without the kids."

Her dark brow knitted together before her eyes widened with realization. "Oh."

He buried his face in his hands to hide his discomfort and embarrassment.

_This is horrible._

"Well, then, we'll need a babysitter." Tifa looked as unsure and uncomfortable as he felt. "I suppose I could call Yuffie…"

Cloud managed to nod.

* * *

Cloud thought about dressing up for the…occasion. Nothing much, just more than he normally did but he ended up feeling ridiculous and ultimately, chose against it. He ended up in his usual garb, which was probably best. He didn't want to give anyone the wrong idea or make a big deal out of this, whatever _this_ was…

Hands in his pockets, he paced nervously around the bar. Honestly, he still had no idea what he was doing.

"So where are you two going?" Denzel asked for about the umpteenth time.

"Downtown somewhere…probably." Cloud shrugged. "I'll probably let Tifa pick."

"Why can't we come?" Marlene inquired and like Denzel's question, this one had also been asked more than once.

Cloud ran a hand through his hair. "Because, sometimes, grown ups need to do something for themselves every now and then."

Cloud actually impressed himself. He gave himself a private pat on the back for that one. It was a pretty normal response and he was pleased that it had come out of his mouth. Maybe he really was getting the hang of this normal parenting/communicating thing.

"Next time we'll all go somewhere together," he added when his first response hadn't removed Marlene's almost frown.

"Can I pick where we go?" Marlene was bargaining with him and it amazed him how mature she acted sometimes. Marlene was pretty advanced for her age. She had developed a keen sense of people and grasped topics with a depth that most children wouldn't even begin to understand. It was probably because she'd grown up around them and they'd always talked to her like an adult and she didn't really interact with kids her age until Denzel came along.

Cloud nodded and just like that, Marlene was pacified. Getting her approval felt a lot like finally getting permission from your mother to do something, like you are finally off the hook and free to do as you please with her blessing.

Just as Cloud was about to find a comfortable place to sit and wait for Tifa, Yuffie burst into the bar.

"Knock, knock!"

Cloud waved lazily in response.

Yuffie placed her hands on her hips. "You know, you could act a little more excited to see me."

Cloud smirked. "I could try but it would only pale in comparison to your enthusiasm."

"Ass…" she mumbled under her breath.

"I meant it as a compliment."

"Then you're horrible at compliments." Yuffie looked down at Marlene and Denzel. "How do you guys live with this?"

"He's not that bad once you get used to him." Marlene hugged his forearm and she sounded almost exactly like Tifa. She was probably even quoting her. No doubt she'd heard Tifa say that exact thing before.

Yuffie playfully punched him in the shoulder. "You have always been an acquired taste."

Cloud frowned and rubbed his shoulder. "Thanks…I think."

"Oh!" Marlene grabbed Yuffie by the wrist and began pulling her outside. "You need to meet our cat!"

"I thought we said not to call it that!" Cloud howled after them but it was too late they were already gone and Marlene was calling the damn thing.

Sighing heavily, he plopped onto one of the barstools and buried his face in his folded arms. A few moments later he heard Yuffie shriek and he knew that she'd seen the hideous thing they called Whiskey.

Tifa's nickname for the cat had stuck and unfortunately, the cat had stuck around too. He was a bit fatter but there still weren't any takers yet even though Cloud had asked around every time he remembered to. However, _Whiskey_ had become a bit of a neighborhood cat or perhaps a neighborhood joke.

Since they'd brought the thing to Edge, Cloud had learned that things really could be so ugly that they were cute. People genuinely liked that damn cat. Almost everyone in their neighborhood fed him scraps and thought his name was _Whiskers._ Apparently, they'd misunderstood the kids one day and because a cat named after strong spirits probably wasn't the best parenting decision, Cloud never corrected them. Once he even went out of his way to interrupt Marlene to keep her from revealing the truth. _Whiskers_ was probably the more appropriate name anyway, but Tifa called him Whiskey and the kids seemed to think it suited him since his eyes were basically the color of good whiskey.

Regardless of the official name, Cloud still had a habit of calling him _it_. Saying things like: _"Where is it?" "What's it doing?" "Get it off the counter." "Put it outside."_

During the day, Whiskey roamed around outside and if it was back by the time Tifa closed the bar, they would let it stay the night inside. Yes, it had a curfew and if it missed it, that meant sleeping somewhere else.

Whiskey was a bit of a stray, a roamer, a vagabond but he still frequented their bar and at night, he would climb into bed with Marlene whenever he got the chance.

It seemed appropriate that their unconventional family would have an unconventional pet, if it could even be called that. It was oddly fitting.

" _Let me guess. Yuffie's here?"_

Cloud's head popped up to see Tifa walking across the bar towards him. She'd changed clothes but not to the point that it seemed out of the ordinary. He'd seen this outfit before a handful of times. He was pretty sure she wore it when all of them went out to eat at Costa del Sol. It was a white, long sleeve button down top that hung lazily on her frame. Tight but not too tight where it still seemed casual paired with the fitted black high-waisted shorts she wore to compliment it.

"What gave it away?"

Tifa chuckled. "Oh, you know, just the general feel of exasperation leaking off you and the fact that your head's on the bar."

"She's an energy vampire."

She chuckled again as she took a seat on the counter across from him. "You've always said that."

"She is. You and the others could always feed off her energy and I can most of the time but sometimes…she's just...exhausting."

"I know," Tifa mused, smiling. "You two have always had an… _interesting_ dynamic."

_**FLASH** _

" _Ha ha ha!"_

" _Cloud! Make him stop!" Yuffie cried as she tried in vain to run away from the inmate she'd made the mistake of walking too close to._

_He'd been following her around the prison grounds for a while now. Cloud had continually told her to ignore him but Yuffie was struggling with the concept and the more she reacted, the more persistent the prisoner became._

" _I told you. Just ignore him." Cloud really didn't have time for this. They had to find a way out of this prison, preferably before they dehydrated. More importantly, they had to find Barret and he didn't want to lose his trail._

" _I'm pretty sure he is harmless," he added._

" _Pretty sure or_ **sure,** _sure?!" Yuffie wailed as she tried to get as close to him as possible._

_Cloud glanced over his shoulder at the inmate. He was bald with a bad eye and a weird tattoo on his left cheek. He was no doubt loopy but Cloud really thought he was nothing more than a pest. Kind of like Yuffie…_

" _Pretty sure," he reiterated dryly._

_He considered the prisoner a moment longer before continuing his trek through Corel Prison._

" _Cloud…" Yuffie whined, tugging at his arm and digging her feet into the cracked dirt and sand in a pitiful attempt to slow him down._

" _I don't know what you want me to do, Yuffie," Cloud snapped and yanked his arm out of her grasp. He was losing his patience and was a few seconds from losing his cool. The heat definitely wasn't helping matters either._

" _Whack him or something!"_

" **You** _whack him! I'm not going to waste my energy by fighting some guy that isn't anything more than a nuisance. I've got much bigger fish t—"_

" _Give me my Materia and I will!"_

" _Ha ha ha!" the prisoner bellowed._

 _"_ _You don't need Materia to get rid of this guy!" Cloud turned abruptly and pointed a finger right at him to which the inmate responded with his typical three-pronged laughter._

_Yuffie's lip quivered and she looked like she was either about to scream or cry. Maybe both._

" _It's okay, Yuffie," Aerith said soothingly as she took a few steps toward the ninja. "I'm sure he'll go away just like Cloud said. You just need to calm down."_

_Yuffie ignored her, narrowed her eyes at Cloud, and wailed: "You're mean!"_

_Cloud shrugged. "I've been called worse…"_

" _Cloud…" Tifa placed a hand on his shoulder and he immediately understood what she was suggesting even though she'd only said his name._

_Everyone was staring at him and he swallowed thickly as he tried to regain control of himself and the situation. He couldn't help it though. He was so on edge with everything from Barret and seeing countless men with bullets through their skulls, not to mention the whole mess with Sephiroth and Shinra._

_So far, Yuffie had been nothing but a constant challenge for Cloud. She was so different from him and their personalities clashed in unusual ways. Not to mention she was simply strange and he was still trying to get used to her._

_Cloud sighed heavily and scratched the back of his head. "Let's just…go in this shack for a minute and take a break until he gets bored and leaves."_

_Massaging his temples, Cloud plopped down onto the ground at the shack's entrance as Aerith, Red, and Cait Sith went inside with Yuffie either to calm her down or escape the heat. Tifa, however, stayed outside with him. She sat on top of a nearby barrel, her legs dangling off the ground as she stared out at the endless expanse of sand around them._

" _You'll get used to her," she said, her tone encouraging and bright. "You'll just have to keep in mind that she's still pretty young and remind yourself to be patient with her. And I'm sure she'll eventually get used to you too."_

" _It almost sounds like you're giving me parenting advice…"_

_Tifa snickered. "If that's how you want to look at it. Maybe Yuffie can help you become a better father one day."_

_Cloud grimaced a little at the thought of children._

" _What?" She leaned forward. "Don't you want a family someday?"_

_For some reason, he blushed and shrugged. "I don't know."_

" _You know, sometimes, I don't know if I do either. I used to…before everything got so bad but now that kind of thing almost seems…trivial."_

_His eyes widened. He was a bit surprised by that response. She had such a way with Marlene and he had always thought that she would make a great mother. It never occurred to him that she might not want to be a mother and for some reason, that kind of made him sad._

" _I think you will." Cloud grabbed a handful of sand and dirt and watched it slip through his fingers. "Be a mother one day, that is."_

_Her brow rose and she looked at him, amused. "You think?"_

_Cloud blushed again. Why? He had no idea. "Probably…"_

_**FLASH** _

He and Tifa probably never would have chosen to have kids on their own but that was why fate had intervened and giftwrapped Marlene and Denzel for them. And in strange way, Tifa had been right. Dealing with Yuffie and having her continually test his patience had definitely helped prepare him for some of the challenges he'd experienced with the kids.

As if on cue, Yuffie blazed back into the kitchen with said kids on her heels.

"I like your cat," she mused, smiling brightly at Tifa.

"You can have it," Tifa replied, tapping her heels on the back of the cabinets as he legs dangled from the counter.

"I'll pass."

"You sure?" Cloud interjected. "He's free."

"Nah." Yuffie waved her hand dismissively. "I'm good."

Cloud rose from his seat and put his hands in his pockets. "Well, he'll probably be here if you change your mind."

Tifa leapt off the counter and cast her attention back to Yuffie. "We won't be gone long. Just call us if you need anything."

Before Tifa could follow him to the door, Yuffie had grabbed her by the arm and was reeling her back. "Can I ask you something?"

Tifa nodded and allowed Yuffie to pull her to the other side of the bar by the stairwell.

Cloud folded his arms and stared at them, curious and a bit irritated.

_What could she possibly be saying to Tifa that she can't say it in front of me?_

Carefully, Yuffie cupped Tifa's ear and whispered into it.

Tifa listened intently then shook her head. "I don't think so."

"You're sure?" Yuffie gave Tifa a stern look.

Tifa's eyes widened and her face flushed. "Pretty sure…"

Yuffie gave an exaggerated sigh as she threw her arms up. "You're as hopeless as he is!"

Cloud cleared his throat.

"Oh, keep your shirt on!" Yuffie huffed and that actually made the kids laugh.

Cloud was tempted to be an ass and unzip the front of his shirt a little just to get a reaction out of her but refrained.

"We'll talk about it later," Tifa insisted in a low voice. She probably didn't mean for him to hear her but he did. "You know the rules. No fires. No Materia. No stealing. Dinner is in the oven. Don't let them overdose on sugar. They can stay up a little later than normal since it's kind of a special occasion with you here but if you get tired of them, just put them in bed."

"We can hear you!" Marlene cried, glaring up at Tifa.

Tifa ignored her and continued. "And _try_ not to be a bad influence."

Yuffie smirked. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a great influence."

Tifa sighed. "Right. Well, we're gonna go now!"

"Don't let her destroy the house," Cloud whispered to Denzel and Denzel nodded his understanding as if he'd just given him a mission to save the Planet.

Once Tifa said her goodbyes to the kids, Cloud opened the door for her and shut it securely behind them.

"Do you have any preferences?" he asked as he pulled Fenrir's keys out of his pocket.

She shook her head as she made her way to the bike. "Nothing fancy."

"Agreed."

* * *

Like always, Tifa was much cooler and comfortable than he was. She sat across the table from him, looking quite at ease. Her eyes danced around the room, taking everything in and enjoying the scenery and casually greeting some of the bar's regulars as they passed by.

This place reminded him a bit of the places at Wall Market back in Midgar but much nicer and not as shady. It was much more quant and there wasn't much crime in the area either.

It was a rather popular restaurant. Cloud had heard good things from his customers and had passed it frequently but had never come in until now. It smelled nice, like fresh bread and well-done meat and the atmosphere wasn't terrible either. Little square wooden tables were scattered everywhere, burgundy cushions covered the seats, colorful light fixtures dangled overhead, a glowing jukebox was in the corner playing some song he didn't know and they'd actually been lucky enough to get seated by one of the windows near the front of the place. It wasn't much a view but a view nonetheless.

Cloud shifted around in his seat, terribly uncomfortable. Outside of Gold Saucer, he'd never done anything like this before. Sure, he and Tifa ate together more times than he could count but this felt…different. Maybe because he intended for it to be different.

"So…" Tifa took a sip of her tea. "What brought this on?"

His heart stopped. "I just… Well… It's been a while since we got out of the house, since we did anything without the kids..."

Tifa held the steaming cup in her hands and stared down at the brown liquid. "This is true."

His posture drooped and his gaze fell. "We can leave if you want…"

"No!" she cried, her eyes shooting up to meet his. "I didn't mean anything by it. I was just…curious, I guess. You know, since we've never really made an effort to get alone time before."

"I thought it was time we tried. Things can get pretty redundant during the week." He looked down and tried (and failed) to read what came with the Sushi Plate for the millionth time.

Tifa smiled but there was something else in her eyes he couldn't quite place.

"I like it. This is nice. We should have done this a long time ago."

"Better late than never though. Right?"

She put some of her hair behind her ear and nodded. "Right."

Silence.

"You look nice," he said flatly, matter-of-factly without looking at her. He kept his eyes on the steady stream of traffic passing by outside.

Tifa grabbed a piece of her hair and began nervously running her fingers through it. "Thanks. You look nice too."

His ears started burning but he kept his eyes outside. "I look like I always do."

"Still," she insisted and he decided to take the compliment.

Cloud's eyes cut back to her. "What was Yuffie whispering about earlier?"

"Oh…" Tifa's face went red. "She asked me if this was a date."

His heart stopped again. "Oh."

"Yeah." Tifa looked out the window awkwardly this time.

"Have you done that kind of thing?" he asked, successfully making things even more awkward. "You know, with other guys…"

Her eyes darted back to him. "Yes. It's been a while though."

He shouldn't have been surprised. This was Tifa Lockhart. Of course she'd dated. She probably did a lot more of it before he stumbled back into her life. It was also no secret that she had tried to date while he was… When things were exceptionally bad… He didn't know how long or to what extent but Marlene had told him about it. She told him like he was supposed to do something about it, like Tifa had betrayed him in some way, like she had committed treason. He would admit that he had been bothered. It struck a nerve but he couldn't really call her on it either. That would kind of make him a hypocrite. However, that didn't stop his unnatural, unfair claim he had on her. Tifa had unjustifiably been branded his and as far as he was concerned, that was exactly what she was.

"I haven't done anything remotely close to this since you and I went out at Gold Saucer," he replied honestly.

_Hell, why did I just admit that?_

Oh, he was pathetic, painfully inexperienced and pathetic.

Tifa smiled, eyes shining with mirth. "I figured."

Their waitress returned then, successfully saving him from this train wreck of a conversation by asking them what they wanted.

As he told her that he wanted the Sushi Plate, he was reminded that his eyes still unnerved people sometimes. He noticed how the waitress gave him a double take when she saw his eyes. She stuttered and stared at him with wide eyes before finally flushing. She probably knew what his eyes meant but she didn't know the half of it. His eyes suggested SOLDIER but they actually screamed: _'Mako poisoning'_. Only a handful of people knew that though.

Tifa grinned as the waitress continued to stumble all over herself and tried to gather their menus. She dropped them, blushed, and apologized profusely before finally rushing off.

"I think our waitress likes you," Tifa said in a singsong voice.

Cloud blanched. "What?"

"You could probably ask her on a date," she teased.

"Not interested." His face was suddenly hot but he tried to dismiss it by crossing his arms and reclining in his chair.

Tifa chuckled at his discomfort and he gave her a black look out of the corner of his eye.

He sat there sulking for a moment longer, fidgeting in his seat, looking at the condiments on the table, and drinking some of his water. He suddenly remembered why he hated things like this so much but somehow it didn't matter. He was still _almost_ enjoying himself.

"I'm trying…" he admitted as he stared at a groove someone had made in the table's surface. "Really. I am."

Tifa reached across the table and snatched one of his hands out of his folded arms. "I know you are and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that."

His eyes found hers and she smiled again, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"I can't…guarantee anything… I don't know how much I can give or how much of this kind of thing I can handle but I'm willing to try. I want to try." As he spoke, he realized how much truth there was to what he was saying. He _did_ want to try. He wanted to make things better. He wanted to attempt to have some slice of normalcy, that new life he'd imagined in his head, and he wanted it with her.

His heart was weak, worn, and weary but desperate to indulge in anything good, specifically her. It was as vulnerable as he himself had been after all of their worst battles combined, and it was finally ready to be healed now that the worst of the fighting was over, now that healing would not be in vain.

"That's all I can ask of you." Her thumb ran across his knuckles and he shifted his hand so she could hold onto it properly. Once it was securely in his own, he gave it a brief squeeze.

* * *

"So…was this a date?" she asked as she licked the last bit of ice cream (cookies and cream to be exact) off her spoon.

After dinner, Tifa said she wanted ice cream to counter all the rich food they'd downed. Of course he had complied. They'd mounted Fenrir, and found the nearest ice cream stand. Cloud had done deliveries for the owner a few times. His name was something quirky like Figgis and he was pretty sure he'd give them a discount. Of course, his assumption had been right. As soon as Figgis saw him with Tifa, he was practically begging them to take four cups for free.

Cloud shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Do you want it to be a date…?"

"You're really into awkward questions today." There was still a little ice cream in her mouth and it was muffling her speech a little. Cloud had to admit it was kind of cute.

"Sorry." He kicked a rock into the street. "I just… I just wanted to do something that would make you happy."

"Well, you succeeded." She handed the bowl of ice cream to him so he could finish off the leftovers.

His mouth twitched and curved up on one side.

* * *

When they finally made it back to Seventh Heaven, Cloud was…reluctant. Tifa gripped his shoulders for support and eased off the bike but he wasn't really ready to go back yet. Oddly enough, this outing had become quite enjoyable. He'd been skeptical at first but it really hadn't been that bad. It hadn't been bad at all. He might even want to do it again.

"Thanks. You know, for taking me out," she said as she brushed off her shirt and pulled at her shorts. "I know you didn't have to…but I'm glad you did."

He nodded and shifted on Fenrir until he was facing her.

"You're welcome," he mumbled.

He jerked when he felt Tifa's hand on his cheek, urging his head up. He resisted, more out of reflex and confusion than anything.

She started laughed but didn't let go. "Hold still! You've got ice cream on your face."

After that, he was like putty in her hands. She lifted his face up and towards her. She held him in place by his cheek with one hand and lowered her sleeve over the other and used it to wipe the ice cream off the corner of his mouth and chin.

Once she finished, her eyes darted across his features and her fingertips grazed along the side of his face, pushing some of his pale hair away.

He couldn't read her expression and that always made him nervous. He hated when she was unreadable. It made him feel disarmed and he caught himself looking up at her intently to try to breech the barrier so he could see into her again.

Tifa surprised him yet again by leaning down and kissing him. It only lasted for a second, maybe even less. It was like she temporarily lost control and immediately caught herself once she realized what she'd done.

She jerked back and touched her lips as if they'd betrayed her. She seemed shocked and appalled by her own actions.

"I-I'm sorry," she whispered, her face flushed.

It was suddenly his turn to lose control and shock himself. Before she could fully pull away from him, he snatched her wrist, and pulled her into his lap. He steadied her with his free hand at her waist and pressed his lips to hers again.

She made a small noise, a combination of a squeak and a moan as he laced his fingers on the small of her back, locking her in place.

Tifa seemed reluctant to touch him, like she was afraid he might detonate if she applied too much pressure but he felt her fingertips against his neck before she finally and gently curled them against the back of his neck and into his hair.

The kiss was feather light, almost as if it wasn't happening at all. But it was. He felt her against him. He felt her rapid heartbeat and her unease, like she was seconds away from whispering _stop_ against his lips.

Some unknown force was propelling him forward though, urging him on. Perhaps he'd missed kissing her _,_ really kissing her. He hadn't _really_ kissed her since she lectured him about taking his time and figuring out what he really wanted. This was different though. This had more of a spark to it even though he hadn't dared to move since their lips connected.

Her lips trembled against his as they parted and he tried to stop the quiver by caressing them with his own.

He remembered now. This was what a kiss was supposed to feel like. It had been so long since they had kissed each other for the pure delight of it. Over the last few years, they'd used the sentiment like a tool to try to manipulate each other. She kissed him to try to get him to stop running and stay with her and the kids, and he kissed her to try to convince her that he was worth all the trouble, to prove that he needed her and that he was trying to make things better. But this? This was nothing like that. This was an act of tenderness, them simply enjoying each other, as terrifying as that was for the both of them.

"We should go inside," she breathed against his mouth.

"Mm," he mumbled in agreement as he finally (and perhaps a bit reluctantly) let her go.

Once inside, they found most of the lights off and Yuffie fast asleep on the couch.

"Should we wake her up?" Cloud asked quietly as he locked the door behind him.

"No. We'll let her crash here for the night. I might even reward her with breakfast since the bar is still standing." Tifa stretched her arms over her head like she always did after a fight. "I'm gonna go get her a blanket."

"I'll check on the kids," he said as he began making his way towards their room.

As expected, they were out cold and the damn cat was curled up next to Marlene. He huffed at the sight but after checking on Denzel, he tucked it in with her.

Cloud then went back downstairs to check on Tifa and Yuffie and found Tifa pulling off Yuffie's shoes and placing a pillow under her head.

They both knew for a fact Yuffie was a heavy sleeper. There really was very little chance of waking her up.

"I think she misses us," Tifa whispered as she covered the ninja in blankets.

"Really?" Cloud reeled but quickly remembered how Yuffie had been the most reluctant to leave their little party after Meteorfall. She hadn't budged an inch until Barret had insisted that they could see each other whenever they wanted.

"Yeah. That's why I asked her to babysit instead of calling Barret."

Cloud nodded. Like always, she knew better than he did how to handle situations like these.

"The kids asleep?" she asked as she got back to her feet.

"Yeah."

"Good." She placed her hands on her hips and inspected the bar for damage. "We should probably try to get some sleep too."

Another nod and they were going their separate ways and preparing for bed.

Originally, he hadn't planned on going to Tifa's room. He'd made up his mind that he'd sucked up enough of her time for one day but his room just seemed so empty, so quiet, too quiet and he didn't want all those dark spots in his head to ruin his exceptionally good mood. He'd had a good day and he didn't want to have it soiled by one of his ruthless nights…

Tifa didn't voice any objections when he came in her room, pulled back the covers, and silently slipped in the bed behind her.

"You'll have to wake up before Yuffie and the kids do. Otherwise, we'll never hear the end of it."

"Mm," he mumbled into the crook of her neck, his hand shifting her shirt up so his hand could rest on her belly.

"You always do that…" she whispered and he could hear the smile in her voice.

"What?"

"Just before you fall asleep, you always put your hand under my shirt then rest it on my stomach, the small of my back, my side, or my hip. It's usually my stomach but it's always skin on skin contact though."

"Really?" His nose and lips leisurely grazed her neck as he spoke and her shiver wasn't lost on him. "I never noticed…"

"Well, it's not like we've been in this situation that much lately but anytime we've slept together, you always find a patch of skin to put your hand on." She laughed softly. "I don't mind though."

"You always grab my shirt if I'm wearing one and if you can get to it," he countered, feeling a bit defensive and vulnerable.

"I do not!" She turned and gaped up at him.

"Do too. I have to pry your hands off."

Tifa huffed, rolled back over, and he settled back in behind her. Then, just like she said, he shifted her shirt and flattened his hand against her stomach.

_Well, shit…_

"See?"

Cloud grumbled something illegible into her neck and closed his eyes. It wasn't like he could do anything about it now. It was apparently a habit and since she didn't mind, he didn't mind either.


	13. Part XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the content and subject matter in this chapter is directly linked to Broken Hearts and Maladies. Like always, you should be fine if you haven't read it but if at any point you get confused or lost, I'd recommend checking it out. This chapter was written with those of you who wanted certain aspects of Broken Hearts and Maladies addressed in mind. Maybe this will give you guys a little closure! Enjoy!

* * *

_And in the end, we were all just humans…drunk on the idea that love,_

_only love, could heal our brokenness._

_– F. Scott Fitzgerald_

* * *

_The church. He was in the church lying on the vibrant flowerbed as if he'd fallen from the sky again._

_The light from the hole in the ceiling was crashing down all around him, blanketing him in warmth and even though the sunlight was almost blinding, he didn't flinch or try to shield his eyes. The light didn't hurt anymore. It was no longer too bright. It was…bearable._

_His eyes shifted to his right to see another form of warmth beaming down at him._

**Aerith.**

_Her green eyes were bright as was the smile streaking across her face._

" _Hello," she chimed._

_Cloud found himself smiling back._

_He only saw her in his dreams now and he didn't see her in them much. Now that the fever and the stigma were long gone, she no longer penetrated her way into his reality. It was like she knew she didn't belong there anymore. It was no longer her place, maybe it never had been._

_Aerith squatted down next to him, her smile falling and her expression going solemn._

" _There's something I wanted to talk to you about."_

" _What is it?" he asked as he sat upright._

_Aerith looked apprehensive. "It's about Tifa."_

_His brow furrowed and mild panic began to unravel inside his entrails._

" _When she came here with Marlene just before you got sick, she reached out to me, asking me to help you. Remember?"_

_A nod._

" _She said something else too. Well, she didn't say it but her thoughts were so loud…" Aerith folded her hands in front of her chest as if praying. Maybe she was._

_Cloud frowned but couldn't come up with anything to say. He could only stare up at her and listen, anxiously waiting with tight knots in his stomach for her to continue._

" _She thinks it's a possibility that maybe you would have been better off if she had died in my place."_

_All the air whooshed out of his lungs and he jolted upright. "She what?"_

* * *

Cloud woke with an intense jerk and somehow, he knew there was some realm of truth to that particular dream. Something about it was very real but he didn't know if he needed to call attention to the matter or not. But odds were, if this was really Aerith's way of trying to talk to him, she probably wanted him to confront it. She probably thought it was important but what good would confronting Tifa about this do? It seemed…problematic and he and Tifa were in a pretty good place. They weren't fighting, their communication was back to where it used to be (possibly better), and every now and then he would gain the courage to sneak into her bed or steal a kiss or two. He didn't want to ruin their progress by bringing Aerith up again.

He went about his daily routine as he always did but the dream lingered. It weighed on him. He could never really get it out of his head. It was as if Aerith was physically there with him and she kept nagging him to say something, like she was tugging at his arm, nudging him in the side to do what she wanted.

Like always, she was relentless. Her will proved superior. He could only distract himself for so long before her words came back to the forefront of his mind, clawing at his skull until he dwelled on them again. They seemed determined to claw their way out of him. But, as with most things, he prolonged it as long as possible until Tifa eventually saw through his ruse and confronted him before he got the nerve to confront her.

"What's been bothering you?" she asked and she asked in a way that was catered to him, his strange personality, and his needs. She spoke to him like no one else did. No one else would notice anything special about the way she asked that question. Hell, it was probably so instinctive that she probably didn't even notice it anymore but he did. It was carefully crafted so it seemed more like a suggestion or an offer instead of an actual question.

She was sitting at one of the many tables in the middle of the bar counting gil, likely toying income statements or balance sheets. He sat across the table from her, doing the finishing touches on his routes for the next day. She wasn't even really looking at him but she'd picked up on his subtle differences regardless, which honestly wasn't even surprising anymore.

There was a long pause where he just sat there and thought about how he should go about this or if he should at all. He could probably get away with not saying anything. He could shake his head and she would probably drop it…

"A dream I had…" he finally said.

She put her pen down and pushed some of the money and papers out of the way. Her expression changed and she gave him one of her signature, concerned looks.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked lowly. She seemed apprehensive.

He stared at her intently. "Did you go to the church with Marlene before I got Geostigma?"

Her eyes danced across his face for a moment and she faltered under the intensity in his glowing gaze before finally nodding. "Yes... Why?"

"Did you say something about how maybe it would have been better if you'd died and Aerith lived…?"

Those beautiful brown eyes of hers got huge. "I-I thought it… I didn't _say_ it…"

"Why would you even… _think_ that?" His hands balled into fists against the sleek tabletop.

Looking wounded and uncertain, she shook her head. It was like she couldn't bring herself to say it, like she was begging him not to make her elaborate.

Did she not realize how important she was to him? How much she meant to him? How much of an impact she'd had on his life?

Given how she'd always acted around Aerith while she was alive, this shouldn't be that surprising. Tifa had always sacrificed any feelings she had when it came to him and Aerith. Anytime things got flirty, Tifa would almost always back away and give them their privacy, as if accepting it was what he wanted, as if it was for the best. Every now and then Tifa would fight back and throw some detail about their past or relationship but she was always more subtle. Aerith on the other hand rarely cared who was watching or listening.

"I don't know." She twiddled her thumbs on the table. "During that time, I was in a dark place too. You were distant, miserable, and about to leave… And sometimes I couldn't keep myself from thinking that if she were still alive, you'd be better off, that she would have been able to keep you from running away. I thought maybe you would have been happier with her or maybe she could have handled the whole situation better. You know, save you in a way that I couldn't. She had this way with you…" She laughed but it sounded more like a sob. "I mean, she was all pink and frilly and… And I'm all black leather and brass knuckles."

"You're more like me," he mused, a hint of a smile on his lips. "We've always had more in common. We understand each other."

Yes, Aerith did have this magical way of making him lighter, of bringing him out of his shell but he could only talk to her about so much. When things got rough or if something got hairy, he would go to Tifa.

_**FLASH** _

" _Is something wrong?"_

" _Huh?" Cloud jerked and looked down at Aerith. "No. Why would you ask that?"_

_Aerith placed her dainty hands on the rickety wooden fence and pressed her shoulder to his. "Because you always talk to Tifa when you're stressed out."_

" _I do?" Cloud's brow furrowed. Sure, he'd been talking to Tifa a bit more lately but that didn't mean he was…stressed. Granted, it would be kind of hard to tell. He had been perpetually stressed of late. But…going to Nibelheim had been…upsetting. He would admit that, which was why they were at the Chocobo Farm. Tifa had suggested they try to do some unwinding before moving on and trying to find the Keystone. Cloud had agreed and no one else objected, so here they were…with Chocobill._

" _Mm-hmm," Aerith hummed._

_Cloud was kind of a ditz when it came to women but even he knew this was Aerith's polite way of saying she was jealous._

_Maybe she was right. Maybe he had sought Tifa out because he was unsettled._

_Now that he thought about it, he had been sticking pretty close to Tifa since Nibelheim. He didn't even notice or know why. Comfort maybe? Tifa did have this calming effect on people and she understood how he felt about certain things because she'd known him the longest. She urged him on. She encouraged him. She gave him this invisible layer strength just by telling him to be strong._

" _It's funny. I can tell that it's so subconscious that you don't even know you're doing it. You seek her out anytime something really rattles you or if something about your past comes up. You keep her in your party and stay close to her until you find your footing again." She was smiling but sounded kind of hurt. It made him feel like he should apologize but he didn't know why. What would he even apologize for? It wasn't like he did it on purpose…_

_Filling in the blanks, Cloud could now tell that Aerith was implying that she wished he would come to her like that._

_His eyes went to Tifa across the way. She and Barret were standing closer to the barn with Chocobill next to several new chocobos on the side of the fence opposite him and Aerith. She had her hands on her hips and appeared to be arguing with Barret about something. Probably something about their latest chocobo._

_It took him a bit too long to realize he was (and had been) staring at Tifa and feeling his eyes on her, she met his gaze but then focused on Aerith pressed to his side. A cross between embarrassment and something else Cloud couldn't pin down flashed across her face before she looked away._

_On reflex, Cloud tensed and pulled away from Aerith._

_Genuinely uncomfortable and feeling as if he'd been punched straight in the gut, he stared at the bright green grass beneath his for a while. When he finally got the courage to look back at Aerith, something akin to understanding washed over her face. Then, she looked a bit…sad?_

" _What?"_

_Smiling, she shook her head. "Nothing."_

_For whatever reason, situations like this, with Tifa, nagged at him. They poked at his brain and even…his heart?_

_Tifa would almost always shy away any time Aerith started flirting with him or talking about dates. She would abruptly leave, turn her back, or spark up a conversation with someone else._

_That made him uncomfortable. It was like it simply didn't sit right with some part of him. It felt like he was doing something wrong, like he was betraying Tifa in some way. It felt like someone was pulling at his heartstrings or tapping on his shoulder, trying to get him to remember something important… It was like it was telling him that he'd forgotten something…something about Tifa..._

_Technically, there was nothing tying him to Tifa romantically. They had chemistry, sure, but that didn't explain why he felt the way he did. No matter how much they didn't have together, the unspoken bond between them always made him hesitate when it came to Aerith. It formed this little barrier and maybe that was what Aerith had just sensed. Maybe that was what caused that pained look in her eyes._

**You can only get so close to something if there is a barrier around it...**

_Suddenly Tifa was out of sight. She was probably in the barn with some of the others and it wasn't long before he found himself going into the barn too. He crossed the vibrant field of green along the crooked, wooden fence that held dozens of bright yellow chocobos that_ **warked** _at him if he got too close._

_Vincent and Cid already looked bored with this particular venture and lingered outside with Cait Sith and Red XIII since the latter couldn't go into the barn due to the fact the chocobos hated the sight of them both. But the others were still pretty invested. Barret and Yuffie were arguing about the worth of their newest addition. Chocobill said it was good but Yuffie and Barret were convinced it was great and Aerith was now trying to be a mediator between the three._

" _Tifa went into the last stall on the left," Red XIII stated calmly as Cloud reached the barn's entrance._

_Just how Red knew he was looking for Tifa, Cloud hadn't the faintest._ **He** _didn't even know he was looking for Tifa but apparently, he was…_

" _Thanks," Cloud mumbled and began making his way towards the stable in question._

_Just as Red had said, Tifa was indeed in the last stall with one of the chocobos they'd caught a while back. He was average but he might breed something better or they may end up releasing him again. Cloud hadn't really thought about it but Tifa seemed to like this particular chocobo so he was automatically reluctant to release it. Anything Aerith and Tifa liked, he was tempted to keep._

_Cloud grimaced as he realized what a complete pushover he really was._

_Tifa was grooming the large bird and offering it fresh hay and water. Eventually her eyes wandered to him lingering in the doorway and he could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't that happy to see him. It stung. Sometimes, it was like she was trying to distance herself from him. She always came back but it hurt to even think she might be considering it._

_He entered the stable fully and ran his hand along the chocobo's back. Cloud always figured chocobo feathers would be coarse but they were surprisingly soft to the touch. It wasn't surprising that people put their feathers in pillows and mattresses._

_Cloud knew that people didn't understand him and frankly, sometimes, he didn't understand himself. Now was one of those times. He didn't understand why he sometimes had this need to console Tifa after being caught with Aerith clinging to him. He wasn't obligated to. He certainly didn't have to but...he did. He would try to make things better with her, which probably just made things worse but he couldn't help it._

" _You okay?" he asked, leaning toward her._

" _Yeah." She forced a smile. "I'm fine."_

_He couldn't for the life of him figure out why he felt this way. They were just old friends…right? Sometimes it was as if she'd even given her blessing... Then why… Why did the thought of shutting that particular door completely hurt so much? Why did he sometimes try to dull down Aerith's flirting when Tifa was around? Why did he not want her getting the wrong idea…or was it the right idea but he just didn't want her to see that._

_He didn't exactly know why it mattered. They had much bigger fish to fry. This kind of shit was insignificant. There were much more important things to worry about. Relationships shouldn't even be on his radar at this point. The timing honestly couldn't be worse. No, he didn't know why it mattered but it mattered._

**God, I'm pathetic...**

_Tifa patted the chocobo on the neck and stroked his beak before trying to ease past him. Some unknown force shoved Cloud forward and he snatched her arm and pulled her back before she could get too far. She brushed against him and he immediately felt the static that gathered in the air between them. He felt it in the palm of his hand, throbbing beneath her soft skin._

" _Tifa…"_

_Her eyes narrowed at the hand he'd wrapped around her bicep before they flowed back to his face._

" _I'm fine," she reiterated before easing her arm out of his grasp. She patted his chest, winked at him playfully, and left the stable._

_He was once again assaulted by the need to chase after her. Just what he thought to accomplish by doing this or even what he would do once he caught her, he hadn't the faintest but when he left the stall to do just that, he bumped into Cid instead._

_The pilot snorted and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He leaned toward him and Cloud was instantly violated by the strong smell of fresh cigarettes on his breath._

" _Word of advice? Anytime women say they're fine, they_ **ain't** _fine." Cid patted his shoulder and shook his head just as he began laughing._

_Cloud scowled and tried to wriggle out from under Cid's arm, which only made him bellow more._

_**FLASH** _

He didn't understand it then but now he knew that it was his past self who had been chasing after Tifa, who'd been nagging at him to remember what she was to him. That forgotten version of himself was the one who clung to Tifa, who _still_ had a crush on her and couldn't bear the thought of losing her, who wanted a future with her. After all, hadn't that been the whole point of joining SOLDIER? He'd wanted to impress her, to be worthy of her with the hope that one day that could lead to more, that he could gain her love, her heart and then…they would live happily ever after, the latter being his inner child's naïve thinking… Sadly, he knew better now. He was much more cynical and he knew happily-ever-after's weren't real…but...

"Tifa, if you'd died…" He couldn't even get it out. It was too hard to think about. His body rejected the very idea just as it had rejected Geostigma. "I don't know if I could have gotten through it…any of it."

Could-have-been's were dangerous territory. He had toyed with them enough over the years to know that better than anyone. They were toxic. There was no point in dwelling on that which could not be changed. However, Cloud knew that he didn't want to live in a world without Tifa in it. Losing Tifa would be like losing an irreplaceable part of himself.

He tried to play it out with Tifa in Aerith's place and vice versa. He probably would have pushed on if Sephiroth had killed Tifa, vowing to avenge her just as he had Aerith but his biggest supporter would have been gone. Without Tifa, he never would have learned who he really was. He could have continued to live in a sea of delusions. And he couldn't have confided in Aerith as he had Tifa. He wouldn't have wanted to put that weight on her for the fear of breaking her. He wouldn't want to put her in that position. He wouldn't want her to see him vulnerable and afraid because there were times that he genuinely had been. He rarely even let Tifa see that side of him but the walls had to come down sometime otherwise he would have gone crazy…well, crazier.

There was a reason Aerith was gone and a reason that Tifa remained. It was hard to imagine anyone, even someone as magical as Aerith, handling everything that came with him better than Tifa had. Frankly, there was no one who could ever grasp him the way Tifa did, especially after their time in the Lifestream.

The scar Aerith left was deep but one left by Tifa would have undoubtedly been deeper. He couldn't even think of where life without Tifa would have even gone. Anything with Barret and Marlene would have been out of the question. There would have been too much of Tifa in them for him to bear. No new Seventh Heaven, maybe even no Strife Delivery Service, and no Denzel. Everything he had now would not exist and a future with Aerith was questionable. He probably would have pushed her away and slipped away into some solitary life filled with substance abuse. They lacked the foundations he and Tifa had had. There probably wasn't enough to build on. It would have taken more time, something someone in a dark place would not be willing to offer, something that would have probably been impossible to coax out of him even for someone like Aerith. His past with Tifa had saved him…

Thinking of going into a new relationship with someone he'd known for as long as he'd known Aerith simply wouldn't have happened after Meteor, after Sephiroth, after all the loss, with all the grief festering inside him.

Cloud suddenly had a whole new level of gratitude for Tifa. She'd given him a future. She'd given him strength and direction in a new world full of uncertainty during those first few months after Meteor.

"I don't want to live in a world that doesn't have you in it," he whispered. He wasn't even sure if he'd really said it until she quickly wiped at a tear that threatened to make it's way down her cheek.

If Tifa had died, a part of him would have wanted to die too. It would have wanted to beg Sephiroth or whoever was available to finish him off so he wouldn't have to live a life knowing there was no Tifa and that he'd lost her too. He simply didn't want to live in a world where she didn't exist, especially now.

But Sephiroth wouldn't have killed him. He would've smirked and indulged in his misery. Sephiroth would've probably healed him of his Geostigma just so he wouldn't have the pleasure of dying. The bastard would have just smiled at him and told him to deal with it. He would torture him and not give him the relief of death. He wouldn't want him to go anywhere that he could find peace. He'd want him to suffer and revel in his loss and once he was completely and utterly broken, full of as much misery as he could hold, when he reached the absolute peak of sorrow, then he'd kill him.

Sephiroth had a sick thing for torturing instead of killing. That was why Cloud had lean, stubborn scars all over his body. Sephiroth would never just kill him but skewer him instead to prolong the suffering.

Kadaj might have killed him though. He was young and bloodthirsty. He would have killed him if he'd asked. He would have toyed with him and played with him for a while but he would have gone through with it when he got bored.

"I…honestly don't know what I would have done…where I would have ended up…without you…" he mused, his voice low.

"Cloud…"

"I…needed… _you_." This was so hard to say. It was _so_ hard to get out. "I know that now. And…I'm sorry that…I… If I ever…made you feel…like you were less than… Like you were…unwanted. Like you were…second best…"

Tifa shook her head. "I'd be lying if I said that that didn't bother me. It did and it hurt. I kept it in the back of my mind for a long time but…you know, somehow it doesn't matter anymore. If I held onto that…I'd be a hypocrite for dwelling on the past when it doesn't matter now. I always lectured you about dilly-dallying, for not letting go of the past…but I've had to learn to move on too. I knew we'd have no hope of a future if I didn't and what we have now, our future...it's more important."

It was easy to forget how much he and Tifa had in common, how they were still fighting the same battles but in different ways. The past, their sins, their mistakes, their guilt, their shame, their sadness…they shared so much of it and it wasn't just about Aerith. It was AVALANCE. It was Shinra. It was the plate collapse. It was Sephiroth. It was Meteor. It was SOLDIER. It was three dead parents and a home that had been obliterated to the point that it no longer even felt like a home anymore…

Acceptance was the hardest part of all of this, for both of them because the truth was ugly and it hurt and it was even confusing but it was what it was and they couldn't change it no matter how much they might want to. The only thing they could do was move on from it, to mosey. It was the past and they had to learn to let it go to keep it from corrupting their present and even their future. What they had now, what they chose now, that was what _really_ mattered.

"Yeah but you moved on quicker than I did."

She smiled meekly. "Not as quick as you think."

Out of words, Cloud grabbed her arm, pulled her out of her chair, and hauled her around the table until she was standing in front of him. Arms secured around her waist, he grabbed handfuls of the back of her shirt and squeezed her as tight as he could. Resting his cheek against her chest so he could hear her heartbeat.

Her hands were in his hair and against the back of his neck. She kissed his temple then rested her cheek atop his head. Tifa knew he'd reached his limit, his emotional capacity and said nothing else on the matter. She knew that he'd had enough for one day and he was grateful for that. This kind of thing really took its tole and left him drained and utterly exhausted.

He wanted to say something. It bubbled up in his sternum, begging to come out of his mouth so it could reach her ears but he didn't understand it. He couldn't translate it so he ended up squeezing her, hoping that she might miraculously understand what it was he wanted to say.

He almost grimaced at the sensation blanketing him. It was overwhelming and he didn't know if he liked it or hated it. It was almost like being back in the Lifestream with her, only this time he was conscious and much more aware.

Intimacy. That's what this was. Closeness. A total violation of personal and emotional space… She'd burrowed her way through another layer of his heart…but he'd helped her do it. He had no one to blame but himself. Maybe… Maybe a part of him even longed for it. Maybe it was intentional. Perhaps, subconsciously, this was what he'd really wanted for a while now.

* * *

"Can we turn the TV on while we help you with your routes?" Marlene asked as she helped Cloud bring his maps into the heart of the bar.

"Are you two done with your school stuff?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm." She nodded.

"Okay."

Cloud moved behind the bar, his arms full of maps and slips and turned on the TV that was placed high overhead in the corner of the space so patrons could watch it if they so chose. The only thing was that they rarely turned it on but the kids liked to have the noise every now and then.

He flipped through the channels for them and they argued about what to watch until Cloud finally told them they would have to reach an agreement or he was going to turn it off. It was one of the few moments he actually caught himself sounding like…a dad.

They went about the usual and Tifa eventually joined them in the bar but didn't breach their little barrier since maps, routes, and slips had somehow become _their_ thing. Tifa chimed into a conversation every now and then but stayed behind the bar, washing dishes or counting gil as to not disturb them.

It was a quiet evening. The traffic outside was slow and dull and the kids weren't asking that many questions but it was kind of…peaceful. It wasn't a strained or unpleasant quiet. It was contented. The only sound dominating the bar was the droning of the TV, something Cloud would admit he wasn't crazy about but if it made the kids happy, he'd tolerate it.

Although Cloud was absorbed in sorting out his routes and destinations for the following day, he still picked up on the change regarding the television's output. The airy music was gone and so were the feeble attempts at comedy. They were replaced by static and a panting female reporter who was talking too fast.

His eyes shot to the now seemingly blinding screen, which suddenly had his full, undivided attention.

It was a news report from Junon. Apparently, there had been some kind of attack there and now, an estimated 20 or 30 people were missing but he knew that was probably an inaccurate number. Those numbers were drilled down to prevent panic. It was probably worse than that. Much worse.

Cloud didn't recall getting up, much less walking across the bar to the TV but the next thing he knew, the screen was black. He'd apparently turned the television off and now he was glaring at it as if it was the one causing the disturbance, as if it was responsible for the attack on Junon, as if it was the one threatening their brittle peace.

Tifa was probably saying something to him. The kids were probably asking questions regarding the attack and why he was acting so strange all of the sudden but all he could hear was that reporters voice shrieking in his head.

"It's probably nothing," he said even though he wasn't sure if that was even an appropriate response to what was being said around him. He hadn't been listening. He was just trying to convince them everything was fine. Or maybe he was really trying to convince himself.

"You two should probably be getting ready for bed anyway," Tifa added as she began ushering the kids upstairs.

He tried to dissolve any concerns they might have by following Tifa's lead and going through the motions of their nightly routine. They would probably see through his ruse. Tifa _definitely_ would but he forced himself through it regardless.

"Cloud?" Marlene peaked up at him from under her covers. "Can you tell us a story?"

For a long time, he just stared at her blankly. The question floated around in his muddled head a while before it and the kid's expectant looks finally sank in.

"Not tonight." Cloud shook his head and made his way toward the door.

"I'll take over," Tifa whispered as he passed her.

"Thanks," he murmured and left without another word.

Before he could fully register anything, he was suddenly in his room with his back was against the shut door and his eyes staring blankly out at the nothingness in his unlit room.

No. He couldn't handle another catastrophe even though somewhere in his bones, in his altered cells, he knew this wasn't Jenova or Sephiroth again. This was something else. Something different. Regardless of what it was, all he knew was that he wanted no part of it.

… _Not interested…_

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream for whatever it was to go away, to leave them alone. He wanted to break something or hit something and hit it hard. He was angry but he had the gnawing feeling in his gut that it spurred from some underlying fear.

At some point, he'd sat on the edge of his bed but Cloud didn't know how long he sat there in a stupor before it occurred to him that perhaps this could be some form of punishment. Maybe…they were _still_ paying for their sins? For everything they had done? That would explain why everything seemed so hell bent on destroying them. Maybe the Planet had to purge itself of them completely.

This was dangerous territory. He felt himself slipping into the dark places that remained in his mind. All it took to undo months of improvement was won tiny, little news report and he felt as derailed as the trains in the train graveyard back in Midgar. He was suddenly concerned with worry for the others and all the people who could die as a result if this was just the beginning of another disaster.

Unlike with the remnants, his instinct this time was to root himself into the ground and defend everything until his dying breath. This time his first instinct wasn't to run and hide but to fight if it came to that. He didn't feel as helpless. He felt somewhat capable of protecting those he loved if he had to but that old fear was still there tapping away at his skull with long, jagged fingernails, insisting that he was terrified of what might, could, and _would_ happen. The worst had happened before. It could happen again and just like before the remnants came, he knew he had more to lose this time around and that made this all the more terrifying but not enough to make him run. Not this time.

No. He wouldn't run but damn, did he want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! 
> 
> Oh, no! The attack on Junon! You know what that means, right?! It's Dirge of Cerberus time! I'm gonna be honest with you guys on this one... I am not really a fan of DOC. I played it (and am in the process of replaying it for the sake of this story) and in my humble opinion, it is just disappointing. To me, the best parts were the flashbacks and I felt even those fell short. The material regarding Vincent's past had SO much potential but everything got lost in transition or something and came out mediocre at best. They could have done so much more with what they had (it's Vincent f****** Valentine for crying out loud!). Regardless, it's canon and I will stick to what the creators gave us.
> 
> Anyway! Since Cloud and Tifa were barely represented in DOC, I will be filling in the blanks for us! So the next few chapters will be DOC from Cloud's perspective, which will have a lot more Cloti and less Deepground shit. You're welcome.
> 
> Also, one of my reviewers/commenters asked if this story would ever progress to an M rating. I hadn't planned on adding mature content to this story but if demand is there, I might do a separate one-shot or short story that is...naughtier. So if any of you would be interested in that, speak now or forever hold your peace!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed Part XIII!


	14. Part XIV

* * *

_Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs._

_He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter._

_– Friedrich Nietzche_

* * *

Cloud was not beyond having bad days. Quite the contrary, bad days were still very much a part of his life. The only difference now was that they did not consume it. They were not as frequent.

Another difference was that Tifa and the kids were learning how to deal with those days. They tried to help him through it, sometimes, when he let them. Tifa was more inclined to stick it out with him, to weather the storm, perhaps because she now understood that it would pass. She wouldn't give up on him. She would give him space but she wouldn't throw her hands up and quit because she knew he was still emotionally present, that he wanted to be with them. However, there were still some days that he simply refused to take pleasure in anything for the fear of the sting of disappointment, of loss.

There were times when he wanted to explode, maybe even cry. He would wish for articulation so he could tell them why he was the way he was. He never got that articulation but somehow it was okay.

He always came home, even if he didn't speak much, even if he wouldn't go to Tifa's room at night or tell the kids stories. He was present. He didn't completely shut down. He persevered and he took pride in that.

There were good days and there were bad days. Cloud had come to terms with the fact that there would always be bad days…and Junon had triggered a sequence of bad days.

His head felt heavy and his words were few. He spoke when spoken to but had little else to say, only occasionally finding pleasure in watching the kids interact with each other and go about their day.

The kids had a strange way of giving him peace, of reminding him that there was still something left of grace and genuine beauty in the Planet, that there was more to life than pain, hunger, and guilt. Even though they were doing nothing more than eating lunch with him in the middle of the bar, they had a strange calming effect on him.

Still, the attack on Junon had really put a damper on his mood lately and apparently, this was becoming noticeable.

He couldn't help it. The situation was just…weighing on him. He wouldn't say he was sad or scared but he was…contemplative, cautious. Maybe a little anxious...

"Yuffie says you two don't know how to have fun," Marlene stated matter-of-factly, pulling Cloud from his daze.

The ninja had dropped by a few days ago to see what he thought of the Junon attack. Should they be worried? Was her Materia in danger? Things of that persuasion. She'd also, apparently, talked to the kids about his mood and his (and even Tifa's) inability to have fun.

"That's bulls—" Tifa paused, realizing she was about to curse. "That's bull."

"Don't shoot the messenger." Denzel smirked as he took a bite out of the sandwich Tifa'd given him for lunch.

"Do you two think that?!" Tifa asked, suddenly offended and appalled.

A half smile had made its way across Cloud's face at some point. He didn't know when but it was here now.

The kids were giggling but looked like they were afraid to answer.

"You're fun. You're just…not like Yuffie," Marlene clarified as sweetly as she could.

"Yuffie's _eighteen_!" Tifa countered as she kicked one of the kitchen cabinets shut. "And she doesn't have responsibilities like we do!"

"I don't know…" Cloud mused, reclining in his chair. "Were we _'fun'_ even when we were eighteen? Well, we weren't eighteen at the same time…but…"

"Fine! You two win. I'm sorry we aren't as spunky as Wutai ninjas," she surrendered and looked like she was a few seconds from throwing her arms up and leaving the room.

Apparently feeling guilty, Marlene rose from her set at the table, crossed the bar and gave Tifa a hug. Tifa returned the gesture but made sure to glare at her before doing so begrudgingly, making sure Marlene would know she still wasn't happy with her.

"It's okay. We like you anyway." Marlene beamed up at Tifa but Tifa's expression remained playfully cross.

"Yeah. Yeah. Go eat your lunch." Tifa nudged Marlene back towards their table.

Marlene returned to her seat between Cloud and Denzel and once she got there, she and Denzel continued to giggle under their breath. It was amusing to the point that Cloud snickered a little even though deep down he had to admit he was kind of offended by these accusations too.

* * *

As he helped the kids get ready for bed, Cloud had come to the pathetic and painfully sad conclusion that Yuffie was probably right. Hell, Cloud wondered if he ever really knew what fun was in the first place. He knew of it and saw it from time to time but did he know it personally on an intimate level? Probably not.

"You think Yuffie's right?" he asked as he began towel drying the dish Tifa had handed him.

"About what?" Her brow furrowed as she dunked another glass into the sink.

"Us not knowing how to have fun."

"We have fun with the kids all the time."

"She didn't mean with the kids. I think she meant on our own and she's right."

Tifa grew silent, clearly contemplating something before she smirked. She grabbed the spray nozzle attached to the sink, stared at it for a long-suffering moment, then sprayed him, beaning him right in the face.

Appalled, Cloud looked up at her dripping wet, gaping, and wide-eyed. "What was that for?"

Tifa shrugged and squirted him again.

"Tifa!" he chided, swatting at the blast _long_ after it had collided with his nose. If Sephiroth were alive to see his pathetic reflexes at that moment, he might actually go into a laughter-induced coma.

He had chastised her harder than he had _ever_ dared chastise Marlene or Denzel but she giggled and once she stopped laughing, she sprayed him again.

Finally, having had enough, Cloud splashed some of the water in the sink onto her.

Tifa yelped and shielded herself with her hands and forearms but didn't release the nozzle.

To prevent getting sprayed in the face again, he grabbed her wrists and tried to point the weapon away from him. However, Tifa was much stronger than he recalled and easily resisted his efforts.

It was a battle now. She was out to best him and it wasn't until he realized that he would actually have to put in more effort to win this particular fight that he noticed he didn't have the best grip on her wrist. Which meant her wrist had full mobility and was able to point the spray nozzle right at him.

His eyes widened to the size of saucers as he stared the nozzle down. "Don't."

As soon as the word left his mouth, she pressed the button, effectively shooting him right in the face again.

Driven by some unknown force, Cloud snatched the spray nozzle out of her hand and doused her good.

This time she didn't move fast enough and caught the water all in her hair and down her face. Instead of getting frustrated or immediately searching for a way to retaliate, she started laughing. It wasn't until he heard her laugh that he realized how foreign it still was. Yes, she got a good laugh out of the cactuar incident but it had been a while since he'd heard _this_ particular laugh, her deep laugh, her genuine, hearty laugh.

Stunned into silence, Cloud stood there and shook his head. Something that was a cross between a scoff and a snicker wriggled its way out of his mouth.

_What the_ hell _just happened?_

"You looked so confused!" she bellowed between laughs, her hands on her knees as she practically bowed over. "You actually _scolded_ me!"

Cloud reeled. "Wh—What was I supposed to do?!"

She shook her head and continued to laugh. "Not that!"

That noise twitched out of him again. It was almost like a hiccup or a snort and he couldn't control it. It then began coming out in sporadic bursts. He was…chuckling.

"But it's okay. It was fun anyway." Tifa dipped her hand in the sink and flicked some water at him off her fingertips. "Wanna play some more?"

He snorted and took an apprehensive step back.

"Huh?" she taunted and it reminded him of the way she always ridiculed opponents and monsters in battle. "Or are you scared of a little water?" She flicked more of said liquid at him playfully.

Cloud flinched a little and wiped the drops off his face, his mouth curving upward.

"Come on. Let's go, Strife," she teased and flicked water at him again, this time with more fluid on her fingers.

Copying her movements, he dunked both his hands into the water and flicked the remnants off his fingertips and onto her.

He had unknowingly awoken Tifa's competitive nature and she was suddenly trying to get him doused at a faster rate. She'd stopped flicking water at him and had begun flat out splashing him.

It wasn't long before everything spiraled out of control and they were both completely soaked.

"What the hell just happened?" He was actually laughing at this point in spite of himself as he held out his arms, allowing the liquid to roll off him and onto the floor. Little puddles were everywhere. They were going to need a mop…

"I think we were having fun." She beamed, eyes sparkling.

Cloud chuckled. "That or we've finally gone completely mad…"

"Either way, I'm going to change my clothes and make sure we didn't wake the kids." She turned her back to him as she began heading up the stairs, unzipping the black shirt she wore over her white undershirt and slipping it off her shoulders.

Cloud's face got hot and so did his ears as he gawked at her, his mind automatically filling in the blanks of what that soaked undershirt probably looked like from the front, which only caused the heat to spread throughout his body like a virus.

Needing to distract himself, he began searching for the mop so he could start cleaning up the huge mess they'd made.

* * *

_He was in pain, lots of it. A strange man in a lab coat was looming over him, lifting his circular glasses and eyeing him like he was something to eat._

_Other men in lab coats hovered around too, studying the holding pods within the reactor, making sure nothing had sustained substantial damage during the fight against Sephiroth._

_The Turks were here too, whispering amongst themselves, taking notes, and shaking their heads as they looked around for…something…_

_The pain was too much. He was drifting in and out of consciousness. Nothing could hold form. He couldn't even hold his eyes open._

"This one here…intriguing…most intriguing! He'll make a fine test subject!"

_They'd placed him on a gurney at some point. Where were they taking him? Why? And where was Zack and— Tifa! Where was Tifa?!_

_His mind begged his body to obey his command, to move, to speak,_ **something** _! However, his body was unable to do anything other than lie limp like a rag doll and feel pain. He could still do that._

_Tifa was hurt. She would need help. She could die if someone didn't help her. And…he was already breaking his promise. Sure, he'd come for her but he'd been late and now he was unable to finish the job. There was no way he'd be able to get her to safety. He couldn't even save himself at this point…_

_**FLASH** _

_Someone was flashing a small light into his eyes, holding his eyelids open because his eyes insisted on rolling into the back of his head._

"He's…die…."

"…poisoning…"

"Jenova…failure..."

"Don't know…Hojo was thinking..."

_He was dying. He had to be. Honestly, he didn't even know how he was alive. His only assurance that he wasn't dead was the insistent poking and prodding, the sensation of various needles forcing their way into every vein, artery, and ventricle he had and spitting various fluids into him._

_Sometimes, when his eyes were forced open, he'd see familiar faces on the white coats. Sometimes, he saw his mother smiling down at him, a halo of blinding light around her head contorting her features but it was definitely her gentle face._

**Mom…**

_He also saw Tifa. Sometimes, he could even feel her pushing his hair away from his face and he would try reach out for her even though his arm felt like jelly. He wanted to feel how soft her hair was, how her skin felt. His glove had been in the way back at the reactor. He also wanted to tell her he was sorry that he'd been unable to get her out of the reactor...away from the danger… He wasn't a hero… He honestly didn't know why he kept trying to be one. He wasn't like Zack as much as he wished that he were…_

_He willed his hand to make contact with her skin but the contact never came. Her mouth would move but he couldn't make out what she was saying. He couldn't hear the sweet hum of her vocal chords._

_Suddenly, he was being lifted up and being forced back into the holding tube._

**No. No! Don't put me back in! I have to get out! I don't want to forget! Don't! I don't want the blackness to come back…**

_The tube began filling up with that thick, green fluid. Mako perhaps?_

_His eyes drifted open and he was briefly able to look through the green glass encasing him and see someone standing in front of the tube. For a moment, it looked like Tifa. She stood there, sad and alone just before she took several steps forward and placed one of her hands against the glass of the tube._

_Itching to reach back, his hand twitched but went no further. All he could do was slump forward and press his face to the glass in a pitiful attempt to reach her, to meet her touch, to make contact._

_He wanted to tell her everything. He wanted to tell her that he'd had a crush on her for as long as he could remember, that he'd joined SOLDIER so he could be worthy of her and get her father's approval, that he'd acted out all those years because he was guilty and blamed himself for getting her hurt on Mount Nibel, that everything he did, he did to impress her because he wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anything… But he'd probably never get the chance to tell her any of that… It would die inside him._

_The cold fluid was up to his knees know, making its way to his hips._

_He managed to open his eyes once more but Tifa was gone and Professor Hojo was in her place, grinning at him and toying with his glasses._

_He wanted to jerk away but the fluid was suddenly in his mouth, going down his throat, choking him._

_Hojo's grin widened, showing off his suddenly jagged teeth. His skin now held a pigment that matched the heavy, green ambiance that filled the laboratory. The white coat he wore faded and became ragged and frayed at the edges. The scientist was suddenly more wraith than man…_

' **What number were you?'**

_He couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. He couldn't even struggle. He wanted to kick the glass but that required strength and he had none. He'd used the last of it to finish Sephiroth off back at the reactor in Nibelheim._

' **Where's your tattoo?'**

_Once the thick liquid blocked off one airway, it went for the next, slithering up into his nostrils like snakes, wriggling into his ears until there was nothing but the muffled droning of machines and their faint grinding and beeping._

' **Shut up, miserable failure…'**

_It was choking the life out of him, taking his breath, his voice, his hearing, his sight and finally, his memories. Everything he was or had been slowly turned to blackness and then, there wasn't even thought. Nothing. Nothing but the sound of Hojo's shrill laughter…_

* * *

Cloud woke gasping for breath and kicking at nothing. He coughed for almost five minutes straight even though he knew it was only a nightmare, echoes of memories that couldn't hurt him anymore.

In Cloud's humble opinion, dreams—at least the dreams that didn't include Zack or Aerith – were usually nothing but a nuisance. For him, most of the time, they were nothing but a reminder of all the horrible things he had seen over the years.

There were dreams with him in holding tubes next to a deteriorating Zack, his skin rotting off and a horrible green pigment. He dreamt of Hojo with his mangled minions crawling out of his belly. Midgar Zoloms choking the life out of him, their poison thick in his veins…

He also dreamt of simpler yet no less horrible things like Yuffie falling into a chasm in the Northern Crater and him not being able to hold onto her. Dreams with Tifa poisoned or bleeding to death and they would never have any supplies, forcing him to just hold her stomach and pray that it would somehow magically mend underneath his hands.

He often dreamt of Sephiroth making a third appearance, skewering him yet again. Or worse, Sephiroth skewering Denzel or Tifa, knowing that hurting them would hurt him more than anything he could ever to do him. He would even dream of Jenova meticulously sewing puppet strings into his arms, legs, and through his spine… He even dreamt of trying to reverse the plate collapse, trying to save Denzel's family but always failing, always ending up with the same results, finding their crushed mangled bodies underneath tons of rubble.

After those kinds of dreams, Cloud would stay in bed longer. He would prolong starting his day, lying in bed hoping the lingering unpleasantness wouldn't leave a lasting impression but it usually did. Bad dreams were capable of triggering bad days and on those bad days, Tifa always managed to keep the kids from busting in on him while he lingered in bed like one dead. His tardiness was her way of knowing he was off to a bad start. She would give him time, come in, ask if he wanted her to cancel his deliveries for the day then, offer him food. Sometimes he would take her up on the offer.

They had an unspoken protocol. She just knew how to handle these types of situations with him and he tried to be mindful of hers but Tifa was harder to understand. She was better at putting on a brave face and faking it…or maybe he just had more trouble reading people.

It was far from morning. He couldn't sleep or perhaps he didn't want to. His latest dream had felt so real and it left a horrible taste in his mouth even though there had been lost fragments of his old self in it…

Terribly miserable and restless yet somehow desperately tired, Cloud did the only thing he knew of that might make him feel better.

He wandered to Tifa's room and sat himself on the foot of her bed. He stared at her for a while, watching how the trickle of moonlight leaking in her window highlighted the contours of her face. For a moment he thought it might be better if he went back to his bed…but he needed her. He could tell it was going to be one of those nights where she might be his only shot at sleep, at peace. He could very possibly be restless in bed with her too but better with her than alone.

"Tifa," he whispered.

She stirred but only a little, sucking in a curt breath then once again going still.

"Tifa," he said a bit louder and this time her eyes opened.

Yawning, she propped herself onto her elbows and eyed him carefully. Once she blinked a few times and realized he was actually there, her eyes shot to the clock then back to him.

"Can't sleep?" she asked gently.

He shook his head.

"Bad dream?" she probed.

He nodded.

Knowing what this meant (or perhaps what it use to mean), she shifted in bed and made room for him next to her.

Cloud obliged almost instantly, easing in next to her.

Tifa adjusted accordingly and turned to face him with her hands tucked under her head.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked.

"No, not really."

She nodded. "I understand. I still get them too."

"Do you ever get one that's so bad you are afraid that if you go back to sleep, you'll go back to that dream and just pick up where you left off?"

Tifa nodded again. "Then you try to wake up enough so that if you do go back to sleep, it won't be the same dream?"

"Yep." He sighed, pulling one arm behind his head and shifting onto his side towards her.

Tifa curled up into a ball beside him, giving him his space but turning the bicep of the arm under his head into a pillow.

He could feel her lengthy hair flowing around his elbow and streaming between his fingertips as he curled his arm underneath her neck until his hand rested atop her head, cradling it closer to him. The top of her head was practically pressed to his nose and lips but he didn't mind. He enjoyed her smell and the feel of her face near his sternum, the trickle of her breath against his chest and collarbone. Even though his other arm was free, he still chose to rest it on the back of her shoulder.

Almost instantly, then tension inside him began to unwind and the bad of the dream began to wash away. Then, there was just the memory of Tifa and how badly he'd wanted to be this close to her and the chance to tell her… _everything_ …

It was hard to remember but were those feelings really his? Were those the emotions churning around inside him before experiments, Hojo, and Mako-poisoning took it all away? He didn't know but he was suddenly so at peace with her he couldn't do anything but sleep.

* * *

" _Tifa. Tifa!"_

The little voice woke him and when it did, he woke to find that he and Tifa had shifted around after they'd fallen asleep. Their little knot had unraveled at some point. Tifa was now splayed out on her side of the bed, her back facing his but her leg had somehow entangled itself between his. The space was more about the need for sleep rather than a lack of intimacy and he could somehow feel that. Apparently, they were to the stage in their relationship where they shared a bed like people who'd been married for years. He was just grateful they were no longer in one of their more intimate sleeping positions since Marlene had just caught him in Tifa's bed.

"What is it?" Tifa yawned as she sat upright, preparing to get up if necessary. Cloud once again caught himself falling into a more passive, fatherly role by simply listening and not getting up since Marlene's voice was calling for Tifa and not him. However, he did feel bad that she'd been woken up twice in one night.

"I can't sleep. There are weird noises outside."

Cloud sat up at that.

"What kind of weird noises?" Tifa inquired, sounding more awake and alert now.

"It sounded like screaming. It's kind of faraway but it woke me up."

Tifa crawled out of bed and left the room with Marlene to investigate. Cloud got up too but followed at a distance. Marlene had confided in Tifa, so by general rule, she would be handling this one but the screaming claim was a weird one.

Upon reaching the kids' room, he saw the cat was waiting in the hallway but it didn't follow when Marlene disappeared into her room with Tifa. For some reason, it lingered in the hallway with Cloud. It sat there looking up at him, its ratty tail switching back and forth behind him and its head cocked to one side.

Cloud just stared at it because he honestly didn't know what it wanted.

It brushed up against his legs and did its pitiful imitation of a meow but Cloud gently pushed him away with his foot.

"No," he said flatly. He wasn't even sure why. It just seemed like the appropriate response. He and Whiskey had a relationship by not having a relationship. They coexisted and he would occasionally leave a window open for it to crawl through after Tifa locked up but aside from that, their contact was minimal.

Unsure of how else to handle this, Cloud walked across the hallway and pushed the door to the kids' room open for it.

"Go on." He nodded his head in the door's direction.

Whiskey licked the inside of his paw before giving him a blank stare, his yellow eyes glistening dully in the dark.

"I don't know what you want," Cloud added as if the thing could understand him. It couldn't, which was probably why it lied down near him and began licking its belly.

"Do you want to go outside?" he tried again.

Its ear and a half perked at the word _'outside'_ and began making its way downstairs as if it already knew he would follow. He would but the cat didn't know that…

Fighting sleep, Cloud followed the cat to the front door. He would admit this was odd for a number of reasons. For one, this cat didn't really like him and the feeling was essentially mutual. Two, the thing never left Marlene's side once it got in bed with her at night but it clearly wanted to go outside…

Regardless, Cloud unlocked the door and held it open for Whiskey. The cat quickly sprinted off as he lingered on the doorstep and listened for anything out of the ordinary for a while. He never heard anything but the crickets and a few stray cars still on the streets.

" _Do you hear anything?"_

He glanced over his shoulder to see Tifa lingering in the doorway behind him and shook his head. "No."

"Me either. Marlene insisted she'd heard screaming but I think she might have been dreaming. Either way, I don't hear anything now." Tifa folded her arms over her chest to fight the chill in the air. "Maybe she can get back to sleep."

Cloud nodded.

"Where's Whiskey?" she asked as she looked around for the mangy thing.

"It wanted to go outside."

Tifa's brow furrowed. "That's weird... He never leaves during the night."

Cloud shrugged.

"Maybe he's hearing whatever Marlene heard." Tifa mused. "They say cats have heightened senses and can even sense things like earthquakes. Maybe she wasn't just dreaming."

"Maybe…but I don't hear anything now."

"Right. It's probably nothing." Tifa turned and began making her way back towards the bar. "Come on. Let's go back to bed."

* * *

Marlene could be stubborn sometimes. Her stubborn streak was not quite as long or as wide as Barret's but she definitely had one. She proved that the morning after the _'screaming'_ incident.

"I wasn't dreaming! I heard screaming!" she insisted as Tifa placed her breakfast in front of her and took a seat next to her.

Cloud had actually helped Tifa make breakfast. It was something he was trying to do more of. It was one of the little things he'd taken on to gain more of a presence at home, to make more of a contribution to their daily activities. Granted, he didn't always contribute and he only knew how to make toast but Tifa was trying to teach him how to make other things so he'd be more helpful around the house. She still got frustrated with him and would grow impatient to the point of kicking him out of the kitchen from time to time though.

Moments like those made it glaringly obvious how he had never really lived, how he basically spent some of the more critical years of his life in a holding tube or with Mako poisoning corrupting his brain. He was still inept at even the simplest of tasks and he knew Tifa often felt like she had three children and not just two. Today, however, he'd successfully made toast while Tifa had made bacon and eggs.

"It was really far away but I heard it. I wouldn't make something like that up. You believe me. Right?!" Marlene's eyes were wide and full of desperation as they darted between Cloud and Tifa.

Tifa looked over her shoulder at him and he could only give her a look of indifference because he really wasn't sure. Cloud knew that Marlene wasn't lying but he figured that she'd just misheard something somehow. She was probably just stating what she thought to be real…but he still couldn't deny that there was a possibility that the alleged screaming was real.

"I'll look into it," Cloud stated, hoping it would calm Marlene down and give her some comfort.

Tifa's brow furrowed as she saw him making his way toward the door. "Are you leaving?"

He nodded. "It's kind of a busy day. If I don't leave now, I probably won't make it back before dark."

"Alright," she relented, only sounding mildly disappointed. "Be careful."

Cloud nodded again, waved goodbye, and left the bar.

About halfway to Fenrir, the sound of little steps behind him caused him to stall. Turning, he saw Denzel chasing after him. He looked nervous, like he was kind of afraid to confront him or say anything.

"Cloud?"

Cloud turned to face him fully and looked down at him expectantly. "Mm?"

"I heard it too." Denzel shifted from foot to foot. "The screaming. I didn't hear it last night but I heard something a few nights ago. It was faint and really far away but I heard… _something_. At first I thought I was just dreaming or maybe I was hearing something else like a car or something…but now I'm not so sure…"

Cloud's brow creased as he mulled it over. The odds of them imagining the same thing were unlikely but Denzel could still be victim to Marlene's influence. He would have to dig a little deeper to figure out of this had any merit, before he came to any conclusions.

"I'll look into it," he repeated. "If there's anything to this, it'll be all over town."

Denzel nodded, looking slightly relieved.

Cloud mounted Fenrir and slipped his sunglasses on. "I'll be back before dark. Try not to give Tifa a hard time while I'm gone."

"Right." Denzel smirked. "You can count on me."

* * *

Cloud didn't have to look too far for answers. Edge was already buzzing with rumors about the noises or _'screams'_ that seemed to be coming from Midgar. Some rumors were more outlandish than others. Some said that it was the souls of all those who had died there, that Midgar was haunted. Some said that it was Rufus Shinra and that it undoubtedly had something to do Shinra's unholy resurrection. Some said it was just some monsters making noise out in the wasteland.

All of the rumors were equally disheartening, perhaps because he was really hoping that there wouldn't be anything to this. What was even more disheartening was hearing that it was coming from the direction of Midgar… That couldn't mean anything good.

He finished his deliveries as quickly as he could. He briefly considered canceling one of his lengthier deliveries so he could get back to Seventh Heaven sooner but ultimately chose against it. Still, he was restless with this news vibrating inside him. All he wanted to do was get back home and discuss the matter with Tifa. He started to call her several times throughout the day but felt that this was news that would be best given in person. Plus, Cloud really wasn't much of a phone person.

When he entered the bar, it was still relatively early, so the establishment was still kind of crowded. Marlene was serving food to a couple with a baby in the corner while Tifa was taking orders and serving drinks behind the bar.

He sat down on one of the bar stools and patiently waited for things to calm down and clear out.

"What can I get you?" Tifa leaned across the bar towards him, a mischievous, flirty glint in her eyes that made his throat dry.

Cloud was taken so off guard by her sexy bartender voice that it took him a while to even process how to respond.

"Uh…" He blinked a few times. "Water's fine."

Tifa vanished behind the bar and returned with a glass of water that she quickly ushered towards him as if it were a glass of expensive liquor.

"You're back early. Is something wrong?" she asked as she rested her elbows on the countertop and leaned towards him again.

"I might have bad news," he said as he eyed the glass of water.

"What is it?"

"Marlene may have actually been hearing screaming. People in town are saying that they've been hearing screams and other weird noises coming from Midgar."

Tifa looked around the bar at the patrons surrounding them. "Yeah. I've been hearing the same thing around the bar today."

"Yeah. I was afraid of that." Cloud raked a hand through his hair and scratched at the back of his head.

"What do you think it means?" she asked lowly, her eyes favoring the countertop.

"Nothing good."

"Do you think this has anything to do with the attack in Junon?"

Cloud shrugged and picked up his glass of water but didn't drink from it. "I don't know."

"Should we call Barret?"

"Yeah but after I check things out tonight."

"Don't go to Midgar alone, Cloud." Her eyes locked onto his, her tone deadly serious.

"I won't. I just want to see if I can hear it for myself."

Tifa nodded. "Okay but nothing drastic or flashy. Alright?"

Cloud smirked. "Nothing drastic or flashy."

* * *

Once the kids were asleep, Cloud mounted Fenrir and headed out into the wastelands near the border of Edge, as far away from all the manmade noise as he could get.

After clearing out a few monsters, he settled in for the night…or for as long as this would take. He honestly didn't know but he made a fire near a small crag and began chewing on some of the jerky Tifa'd given him for the trip.

Cloud spent several hours snacking and killing most of the monsters in the area for sport (the way things were going, he'd probably need the practice to keep from getting soft) before he finally pulled his bedroll out of Fenrir's compartment and decided to try to get some rest while he waited for…something.

For a long time, he drifted in and out of a light sleep and it was probably a few hours before dawn when a new, abrupt noise finally woke him.

Cloud sat upright and listened intently as the shrill sound carried throughout the wasteland and bounced off the bluffs and ridges scattered around him.

Yeah. It was definitely screaming. It was still kind of faint and faraway but he could definitely hear it. It was a weak choir of human agony and fear and it was definitely coming from Midgar.

This didn't bode well. He had no idea what it meant but Tifa was probably right. It was likely related to the recent attack on Junon. If that were the case, then this could even be traced back to Shinra like the residents of Edge had already suggested. Midgar was Shinra's graveyard after all, filled with its bones. Shinra's shadow still slept there so this probably wasn't a coincidence. Or perhaps it was too much of a coincidence.

The screaming eventually stopped, leaving as abruptly as it came but Cloud now knew this was real. This – whatever this was – was indeed happening, which meant he and Tifa owed Marlene an apology.

Despite being desperately sleepy, Cloud packed up his things and drove back to Edge. He wasn't sure what time it was but the faint pink light peaking up over the jagged, purple horizon led him to believe that it was either _really_ late or _really_ early.

Somehow me managed to make it back to Seventh Heaven without falling asleep on Fenrir and, as quietly as he could, unlocked the front door and entered the bar.

Tifa was sleeping in her chair with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She had clearly waited up for him even though he'd distinctly told her not to, which honestly wasn't surprising. It was a bit frustrating maybe but not surprising.

Cloud locked the door behind him, eased over to the chair she was in, lifted her up bridal style, and began carrying her to her room.

He couldn't keep from noticing how she gravitated towards him the instant they made contact. Her face went to his chest as she curled up in his arms. He now knew this was a subconscious reaction of hers. Her body knew him, knew his smell, his frame, and when it sensed his familiarity, it was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

He would admit it was strangely satisfying.

Tifa began to stir as he eased her into bed. She wriggled a moment and stretched before finally opening her eyes and pinning him with her gaze. Slowly, she sat upright and looked at him expectantly.

"Well…? Is it true?"

Cloud nodded. "It's true."


	15. Part XV

* * *

_The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and they day you find out why._

– _Mark Twain_

* * *

The bar was deathly quiet as Tifa paced back and forth with the phone pressed to her ear. Cloud could only stare and try to pick out bits and pieces of the conversation taking place. He listened intently but still had virtually no idea what was going on. He did, however, know that he wasn't crazy about the hard, pensive look on Tifa's face.

They had already called Barret, who said he would be there as soon as possible, and he had suggested that they call Reeve in the meantime. It was a good idea but he and Tifa were both a little reluctant to make that particular call. They had made a collective decision a while back to keep the WRO and all its matters at arms length to prevent getting roped into every little thing that came up. They'd decided their family would come first but calling Reeve was inevitable now.

"Yeah. He's right here." Tifa looked at him, took a few steps forward, and held the phone out towards him. "He wants to talk to you."

A bit reluctantly, Cloud took the phone and held it to his ear. "Reeve?"

" _Hello, Cloud. It is nice to hear from you and Tifa again. I only wish it were on…_ happier _terms."_

"What do you know about all this?" Cloud had never been one for small talk or beating around the bush, even though he had to admit it was kind of nice to hear Reeve's velvety voice again.

Reeve took in a deep breath. _"I don't know much, only that the mass disappearance in Junon was not just 20 or 30 people. The actual estimate was much closer to 1200."_

Cloud grimaced.

" _We conducted a private investigation but came up empty-handed. All we could get were some rumors,"_ Reeve continued.

"Yeah, we've been getting some of that around here too." Cloud glanced out the window, watching as random men, women, and children passed by.

" _Yes. Tifa told me about the screams coming from Midgar. Given what little we know, I suspect that means there is undoubtedly some connection to Deepground."_

"Deepground?"

" _Yes, the shadow of Shinra. It is a group of soldiers without morality. They were kept a secret, so there is very little information on them. Only Scarlet, Hojo, and Heidegger knew of the project's existence besides the president. I doubt even Rufus was ever briefed on this particular project, given how quickly power was transferred after the president's death. The only reason I know as much as I do is because we recently found information on it in some of Scarlett's old files. The goal was to eventually make an army of superhuman warriors who wouldn't let their morals or integrity interfere with their…tasks."_

"So…these soldiers are responsible for the attack on Junon?" Cloud began pacing around the bar, unable to stand still.

" _That is my assumption. Yes."_

"What do they want? They have to be after something."

" _I agree but at this point, I haven't the faintest of what their ultimate objective could be. However, we should be vigilant and prepare ourselves for anything. I doubt this is the last we will hear of them."_

"Right."

" _There isn't much we can do right now but I assure you that we will continue our research and investigations so that we can stay on top of things. I'll be in touch as the situation develops. I trust that you'll do the same?"_

Cloud knew that was Reeve's way of saying that he wanted his help if the situation called for it. He was asking for his help without actually asking for his help. Reeve didn't want to put any extra weight on his shoulders. He was clearly reluctant to ask for his help given how Cloud and Tifa had said upfront they wanted to assist the WRO with its affairs without becoming actual members, but Reeve knew it was very possible that he would have to call on them as if they were full-fledged members.

"Yeah… Thanks, Reeve." Cloud hung up and handed the phone back to Tifa.

"What now?" she asked, her arms folded over her chest as she approached him.

He shrugged. "Reeve said to be vigilant."

"So…it's the waiting game, then?"

"I guess. It doesn't seem like he's ready to call for the big guns yet. I think he wants to handle this on his own if he can. So for now, this is WRO business. There isn't really a reason for us to get involved…yet."

"Reeve won't hesitate to call on us if he really needs us."

Cloud nodded, knowing she was right.

"Are you okay…?" she asked a bit reluctantly.

"Yeah…I'm surprisingly okay… A little on edge but okay." He scoffed a little, shocking himself with just how ' _okay'_ he was. It was strange, like something was wrong with him. He'd been abnormal for so long that normal made him feel funny.

Tifa smiled. "Good."

"I might not be okay later but right now, I'm fine. I mean, I've been better but…it's not like…before. Things are different now, right…?" Cloud was quite sure he sounded like a child in that moment, a child full of uncertainty and hope, eager for her to confirm what he so longed to be true.

"Right." She nodded and that was all the assurance he needed. Just like after Meteorfall, he felt like he could handle whatever came because he had her, because she was with him. It was silly and probably naïve but it didn't change how he felt. Whatever happened, they were in this together.

* * *

Costa del Sol could be a little too noisy for Cloud's liking. It wasn't as bad as Gold Saucer but it could still get pretty crowded and he'd just arrived during the lunch rush.

He probably could have made this particular delivery earlier in the day but it had taken him a while to get out of Seventh Heaven. In truth, he'd been reluctant to leave at all. Recently, he only took jobs close to home and tried not to take on too much so he could be home early and often…just in case. If Tifa hadn't insisted they would be fine and that one delivery would be a good distraction for him (so he wouldn't be pacing around the house waiting for the bottom to fall out and effectively driving himself crazy), he probably wouldn't have left at all.

Somehow, he managed to bob and weave his way through the buzzing crowd. This particular bar was always pretty crowded but it seemed worse than normal, even by it's standards.

" _Yo! Cloud! Back here!"_

Cloud's eyes darted around until he was finally able to pin down the vendor, Tanis, the man this particular delivery was for. Tanis was relatively young with hazel eyes and a deep tan but his curly brown hair was starting to recede.

As he got closer to the bar itself, Cloud realized that everyone was gathered around what appeared to be a small radio sitting on the counter. It was hard to hear over all the chatter, the static, and general bar noise (even with his advanced hearing) but Cloud was pretty sure that old radio said something about an attack somewhere. He hoped it was just his paranoia though…

"How ya doin', Cloud?" Tanis asked as he dried the beer mug in his hands with a small, green towel.

Cloud shoved the box of produce onto the bar and gently pushed it toward Tanis. "What's going on?"

"There's been some kind of attack on Kalm," Tanis shouted, trying to get his raspy voice to carry.

Cloud's heart dropped, his nerves vibrating and full of static.

"The WRO is there now but it sounds like they've got a pretty big mess on their hands," the bartender continued.

"What about Edge? Is anything happening there?" Cloud couldn't hide the mild panic in his voice.

Tanis shook his head. "I don't think anything is happenin' right now but the broadcast was sayin' for people near Kalm to stay inside and lock their doors until further notice."

Cloud managed to mumble a probably unintelligible thank you and goodbye to Tanis as he forced his way back through the crowd, all but bolted out of the bar, and leapt onto Fenrir.

* * *

The drive back to Edge was one of the longest he could remember. It seemed to drag on forever and it felt like he would never be able to get back to Seventh Heaven.

When he did finally reach Edge, it was raining but he was still relieved to see that the city wasn't on fire and monsters weren't littering the street. He was especially relieved to see that there didn't appear to be any summons in the sky. Things appeared to be stable but Cloud could sense things coming to a boil again and he was admittedly nervous. He didn't like the feel of the Planet's energy around him. He didn't like the subtle clues his much too sharp senses were picking up on.

The door to Seventh Heaven was locked and the closed sign given to him shortly after they'd defeated Sephiroth and the remnants was in the window.

He was so eager to get inside, to know that everyone was okay that he was tempted to bust the door down but managed to calm down enough to use his key and get inside.

"Tifa?" he called the instant his foot crossed the threshold.

Cloud was a few seconds away from calling for her again when she appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"Are you okay?" he asked, unable to close the gap between them quick enough. "Where are the kids?"

"I'm fine and the kids are in their room," she replied calmly.

He nodded, relief washing over him. "Have you heard from Reeve?"

"No. All I know is what we've heard on the TV and from some of the patrons who were here earlier. He's probably got his hands full…"

As soon as those words left her mouth, Whiskey was bounding down the stairs and making its way towards the front door. The thing started howling and scratching at the doorframe as if it could claw its way through to the other side if it tried hard enough.

Tifa sighed. "No, Whiskey, you probably don't need to go out."

Running a hand down his damp face, Cloud walked to one of the bar's windows, watching in a daze as rain teemed down the glass.

The roads were already dead and virtually no one was outside. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't really seen anyone on his way here. That, or he'd been so focused on getting back to the bar that he simply hadn't noticed anyone. Regardless, no one was out and about now. Everyone had been on edge since the screaming rumors started so it wasn't surprising to see that news of the attack on Kalm had sent everyone into a panic.

Tifa picked up Whiskey and joined Cloud by the window, petting the cat behind the ears in a vain attempt to calm it down.

Silence filled the bar but not in the normal _it's-just-a-quiet-afternoon_ kind of way. It was eerily quiet. The sounds of traffic were gone. The dull chatter was gone. The occasional shout. They didn't inhabit a particularly noisy area but this was an unnatural silence, the silence that usually preceded a storm, explosion, or attack…

"It's too quiet."

"How can you tell?" Tifa scoffed as Whiskey continued to bellow and relentlessly tried to claw its way out of her arms. "I can't hear anything over this damn cat…"

Cloud cast his gaze back to Tifa and watched as Whiskey dug his claws into her arms and reached for the ground.

"Ow!" she cried and tossed the cat to the floor.

It was just like the night Marlene had heard the screaming, only _much_ worse. As ugly as he was, Whiskey had _never_ offered to be anything other than patient and mild-tempered when it came to Tifa and the kids. Something was wrong. The mangy thing was sensing something and if Cloud focused hard enough, he could kind of sense it too.

"We need to go," Cloud stated matter-of-factly.

"Go? Go where?" Tifa reeled as she rubbed the faint scratches on her arm.

"Anywhere but here."

* * *

Not too long after the new Seventh Heaven was built and his delivery service had started gaining momentum, they had run into Dio. He'd asked them where the buggy he'd given them was and when they explained that it had been lost in the chaos leading up to Meteor, Dio gave them yet another vehicle. Cloud assumed it was a form of payment for helping him (and Gold Saucer) out after Meteorfall or perhaps as more of a thank you for _'saving the Planet'_.

Cloud and Tifa had insisted that it was too much, that they really didn't need it, and that they were just happy that they'd been able to help him out. After all, he'd helped them out of a few binds in the past. However, he'd been persistent, insisting that Cloud would need it for bigger deliveries or if he ever wanted to expand. Barret had agreed with Dio and Cloud had reluctantly accepted.

It was a truck and honestly wasn't much to look at. He was pretty sure it had been damaged during Meteorfall. He probably didn't want to know why Dio had it or how he'd gotten his hands on it. The dull blue-grey paint was chipped and the engine sputtered but it still ran even though Cloud almost never used it. In spite of all that, it was turning out to be pretty useful now.

Tifa had packed up some of their things and they were currently crammed in the tiny truck's cab on their way to Icicle Inn. Cloud figured the further away they were from Midgar they were, the better and they couldn't get much further or secluded than Icicle Inn.

The drive was pretty miserable. The rain was following them north, making visibility poor. Not to mention how Tifa was on the phone most of the time. She had to call Barret to update him on the situation and let him know that they were on their way to Icicle Inn. She then tried to get in touch with Elmyra Gainsborough. Eventually, she was able to get into contact with her niece and learn that they were fine and had survived the attack thanks to the WRO but Kalm was still in pretty bad shape.

Once she finally hung up the phone for the last time, she sighed heavily, massaged her temples, and propped her feet up on the dashboard.

"I'm so tired. Are we there yet?" she groused.

"I guess this means you still aren't crazy about long car rides?" Cloud countered.

"Nothing is as bad as the buggy…"

"What's the buggy?" Denzel asked, his ears perking.

"One of the worst means of transportation ever," replied Tifa.

"It wasn't that bad," Cloud challenged.

"That's easy for you to say! You were driving. You didn't have to share that tiny space with everyone _except_ Cid! Do you know how awkward it was to sit in Cait Sith's lap?"

"I don't remember you sitting in his lap…" He recalled her sitting in Vincent's but that was probably because seeing that bothered him a bit…

"Everyone sat on _everyone_ before it was over with. We were _way_ beyond capacity in that thing."

Cloud sighed and decided to answer Denzel's question instead. "The buggy was the vehicle we used three years ago before we got the Highwind and it was actually pretty handy."

"I bet you thought it was handywhen Yuffie got sick in it." Tifa folded her arms over her chest and smirked.

Cloud grimaced at the memory.

"Or the time when you ran over that patch of really fat Hedgehog Pies and we had to park it in the river and clean the windows and dig their guts out of the hood so that it would crank again," she continued.

"That does sound pretty bad, Cloud…" Marlene concurred as she continued to lazily pet the now sleeping (and _much_ calmer) Whiskey in her lap.

Cloud decided not to argue. He had clearly lost this battle. Tifa's argument was superior to his even though they both knew the buggy was a necessary evil three years ago. Still, he decided to let her win this round.

The truck's cab eventually grew quiet again and there was nothing left but the hum of the truck's pitiful motor and the pitter-patter of rain crashing against the truck's window and metal exterior. Cloud glanced over to see that Marlene was nestled into Tifa's side asleep, still holding Whiskey loosely in her lap. Meanwhile, Denzel was passed out against the passenger door, his mouth open and his breath fogging up the window beside him.

"You can rest if you need to," he whispered to Tifa.

"I'm okay. We're getting pretty close anyway," she said but her eyes were tired and seemed to beg for sleep.

"Thanks for getting in touch with Elmyra," he added, knowing that she had done that more for his peace of mind than for hers.

"You're welcome. I knew once everything settled down you'd be worried."

Cloud honestly didn't know what he would do without her foresight and he ability to read him like a book. His life would be a lot harder and a lot more unpleasant. That was for sure.

"I'm glad you're here," he whispered, his words vague yet sincere.

Tifa smiled and rested her cheek on his shoulder. "I'll always be here."

Cloud shifted so it would be easier for her to get comfortable against him. As he did so, he realized he was also making it easier so she would stay. He admittedly (and surprisingly) liked the feel of her there, the closeness. She was also warm and since he was still damp from the drive on Fenrir back to Edge, he welcomed any of the warmth he could get. It also helped that it was hers.

"You smell like rain," she mused, her eyelids droopy.

"Sorry…"

She shook her head. "No. It's kind of nice. You still smell like you but there is this crisp kinda fresh smell too."

Silence filled the cab again and he found it unsettling, probably because his mind was tempted to wander to dark places. He would probably start thinking about Kalm and Deepground if it got too quiet. Plus, there was nothing to distract him aside from driving and that didn't require much thought...

"Tell me a secret," he blurted out.

"A secret, huh?" Tifa shifted a little but didn't leave his side.

"Yeah…I'm not ready for it to get quiet yet…"

He didn't have to say any more. She knew what he meant.

"I like the sound of your boots on the floor," she said.

He almost scoffed. "What?"

Cloud had been expecting something...well, different. He thought she was going to say something along the lines of: _'I like the sound of your voice'_ not _'I like the sound of your boots on the floor.'_

"I know it's strange but I like hearing your footsteps around the house. It's comforting knowing you're there, moving around. They are heavy, like they match your presence. I think I'd know the sound anywhere"

He contemplated this for a while. To him, there was nothing special about his boots thumping against the hardwood of their home, but it was something special to her.

"Now you tell me one," she added, shifting again so she could look up at him even though she probably knew he wouldn't take his eyes away from the road.

"...I like the dimples on the small of your back."

"What?" Tifa giggled. She probably would have even laughed louder if the kids weren't asleep.

"You have two dimples on the small of your back. Other girls have them too but yours aren't quite as deep but deep enough to see…and to feel." Cloud started blushing and he was glad it was dark enough that she wouldn't be able to tell.

"I don't think I even knew I had dimples on my back…"

"Well…now you do." It was his turn to shift in his seat again but not because he was _physically_ uncomfortable. He was definitely uncomfortable though.

Tifa laughed a little, nuzzling his arm as she did so. "At least you like them."

He definitely liked them but he wasn't about to tell her how much he liked them. Instead he said: "You're turn."

* * *

After a few more (rather awkward) rounds of _'Tell Me a Secret'_ , they made it to Icicle Inn in one piece despite the rain (and now sleet) following them there. The kids liked the thin sheet of snow blanketing the area and the possibility of snowboarding and snowball fights. They also seemed enthralled in visiting a place they'd never been to before. Cloud was glad it seemed more like a vacation than the evacuation it was.

Since they didn't know how long they would be staying, he and Tifa had decided to rent one of the new cabins that had been built not too long ago. It was a ploy to lure in tourists but it nice, new, and would probably be cheaper and easier than renting multiple rooms at the inn.

By the time they'd unloaded Fenrir, unpacked their things, and gotten everything into the cabin, Cloud was once again soaked through and through, this time with a layer of some kind of wintery mix too. He didn't really care though. It seemed…trivial in the grander scheme of things…

Tifa and the kids were already nestled safely inside the cabin, likely having a late night/early morning snack and doing a quick inventory of everything inside. Cloud, however, decided to linger behind and stay in the truck so he could listen to the radio broadcasts.

Initially, he thought getting an update on the situation in Kalm wouldn't take that long but he ended up staying in the truck cab for almost half an hour.

It wasn't just Kalm anymore. Apparently, Deepground had attacked Edge almost immediately after attacking Kalm. However, the attacks in Edge seemed to be different. Kalm had basically been blown to bits by fancy choppers. Edge, on the other hand, had been a subtler job where snipers were dispatched, homes were invaded, and the abductees were taken to some warehouse on the outside of town.

Cloud listened to the broadcasts on repeat on several different stations, listening to the estimated death toll, the number of those still missing, and how the reporters thought all of this would get worse before it got better.

Finally having heard enough, Cloud sighed heavily, shut off the truck's engine, and pressed his forehead against the cold plastic of the steering wheel. For a long time, he just sat there and listened to the rain bludgeon the metal coating the truck.

He thought there would be more time between attacks. He assumed it would be like Junon and there would be a reprieve before they went after their next target. He thought there would be time to get the kids somewhere safe _and_ get back to Edge before Deepground struck again. He'd been wrong.

They'd made it out just in time…but maybe he'd been wrong to leave. Maybe spiriting the kids away had been a mistake. They probably could have saved more lives if they'd stayed behind, if they'd waited a bit longer. The death toll could have been lower, there could have been fewer abductees, fewer orphans…

In a daze, he walked around to the front of the truck and leaned back against the hood, staring out at nothing in particular, letting the rain and sleet cloak him in numbing sheets.

He felt helpless. His heart tingled with guilt and his throat tickled with regret as he mulled over what he could have done differently…but at the same time, he hadn't wanted to take any chances.

A year ago, the kids had gotten caught right in the middle of the struggle with the remnants and Sephiroth and he didn't want that to happen again. He'd promised himself that he would keep the kids out of this kind of thing even if he couldn't avoid the struggle himself. He _never_ wanted to feel the way he'd felt when he'd learned Kadaj had the kids again. Few things rivaled that horrible feeling and he couldn't forget it if he tried. No, he wouldn't risk the kids' safety. He wouldn't tempt what could and would happen…but that didn't completely dissolve the guilt he felt for leaving the people of Edge when they'd needed him.

The golden glow behind the nearby windows leaked out onto the snow blanketing the ground below. The rain, sleet, and freezing rain clung to the trees and power lines until they drooped. That same precipitation began sticking to him, threatening to freeze him in place but he didn't budge. He realized that for some reason, he lingered in the rain when he felt helpless, when he was at a loss… He did it a lot, especially after Aerith died.

_**FLASH** _

_As a man, Cloud was rather indifferent to weather and its fluctuations. As they traveled from place to place, it really made no difference to him whether or not it was raining, snowing, or if the sun was shining. However, the same could not be said for all of his traveling companions_.

_Like Cloud, Red XIII, Yuffie, and Vincent seemed indifferent to precipitation. Yuffie liked to splash around in the puddles and would sometimes make various sound effects for said puddles depending on their density._

_On the other side of the spectrum were Aerith and Barret while Tifa, Cait Sith, and Cid fell somewhere in the middle._

_Cloud quite liked the rain sometimes. It was therapeutic in ways, almost like being cleansed, like all of his mistakes were sliding off his body with the day's accumulated dirt and grime. Sometimes, after everyone went into the tents or the inn, he would stay outside and let it wash over him by the droves. His hair would droop, his clothes would grow heavy with water, and raindrops would cling to his lashes but he never really minded. What he_ **did** _mind, however, were the continual apologetic looks everyone had been giving him since they left the Forgotten City… Like he was mourning more than everyone else. They had lost a friend too. Why were they giving him special treatment?_

**Because they weren't there... Because they didn't hold her until they were covered in blood too. Because they didn't take her out to the lake and drop her like a bag of rocks…**

_He thought of crying. Maybe crying would make him feel better. No one was around and even if they were, the rain would hide his tears. He could probably cry now…if he wanted._

_Silently, in the rain, somewhere between the Gaea's Cliff and the Northern Crater, he begged for this abundant pain in him to spill from his eyes and offer relief, to alleviate some of the unbearable pressure but his eyes suddenly felt bone dry._

**Maybe Sephiroth is right. Maybe I am just a puppet. A puppet wouldn't be able to cry either.**

"You're going to get a cold."

_His head raised and he saw Tifa looking at him from across the way, her arms folded over her chest._

" _A cold is the least of my worries." He cast his gaze to the semi-frozen ground beneath him to keep his eyes from lingering on the suddenly translucent quality of her white tank top. The rain was doing a good job of forcing the shirt's fabric flush against her skin, leaving little to the imagination even with her arms folded over her chest._

_She looked beautiful standing there doused in rain. Her dark hair was messy from the precipitation and that same frozen moisture had given her skin a glossy gleam and caused the water on her long lashes to glitter. She was very pleasing to the eye and he thought to smile at her but it never broke across his face. His frown stayed instead._

_His argument – while vague – had apparently been enough for Tifa._

_He expected her to go back into one of the tents then. He expected her to leave him to brood. But she didn't. Tifa walked against the gentle sheets of rain and sat down on the log beside him, as if to say: '_ You don't have to go through his alone. I'm here for you.'

_How long they sat there, he didn't know. In fact, he had been miles away in his own head until he felt her hand land on top of his._

_He jerked at the sensation, like a stray cat that had never been around people, much less touched by one. She didn't falter though. Her warm hand stayed there in silent support and he squeezed back like it was a lifeline, like it was the last thing on the Planet that_ **might** _be able to save him…_

_It helped. It helped_ **a lot** _even though nothing about his body language voiced that. He was sure he appeared downright indifferent but the grip he had on her hand suggested otherwise. It was the first thing that had actually made him feel better since he'd let Aerith slip out of his arms._

_Cloud lost track of how long they sat there. He was only somewhat aware of her weight against his shoulder, of her thumb caressing the top of his hand from time to time._

" _Be strong…" she whispered._

_The rain began to disperse and then, there was only the night left, the night and the stars twinkling down at him as if to tell him something._

_**FLASH** _

He looked up and managed to see a few of those same stars peaking through the clouds as the rain streaked down his face. They twinkled and winked at him, still taunting him, still teasing him with a secret that he apparently didn't know. They always seemed to know something about him and his past that he didn't...

" _Come on. Let's get you inside and out of those damp clothes before you catch pneumonia."_

Cloud closed his eyes and smirked a little at the sound of Tifa's voice. She was like clockwork. She always came when he needed her. She could sense his distress and unease from a mile away.

Her hand slipped through the curve of his elbow and began tugging him towards the cabin but he resisted.

"They attacked Edge," he said.

Tifa froze and gazed back at him, her hand not leaving the crook of his arm.

"Right after Kalm. It sounded like they were almost simultaneous," he continued.

"How bad is it…?" she asked, her voice low.

Cloud shook his head. "They don't really know. It's a shot in the dark at this point but it's probably worse than they're saying."

Tifa sighed, folded her arms over her chest, and paced around a little. "Should we go back?"

"We should call Reeve before we do anything else," he said matter-of-factly. "Tell him we'll help out in any way we can."

Tifa nodded, complying easily without any argument but he had expected no less. "We can call him in the morning. For now, we should try to get some rest though."

Cloud relented this time and followed her into the cabin, which still held a bit of a musty smell. Apparently, it hadn't been inhabited in a while. It was also kind of cold, significantly warmer than outside but still not as warm as it should be.

Despite the smell and the chill, the cabin was nice, full of rustic charm. As expected, there was a massive, stone fireplace in the center of the living space and a wooden stairwell encompassing said space. Animal skins were everywhere and the wooden walls were coated in skis, snowboards, and snowshoes.

"Where are the kids?" he asked.

"They demanded hot chocolate but they passed out on the couch after taking like two sips." Tifa rolled her eyes but she was smiling as she led him up the stairs.

Cloud didn't know how many rooms this place had. He assumed at least three. He hadn't really been paying attention when they'd rented it but he figured Tifa would have spoken up if the accommodations were inadequate. She was reliable like that. In fact, he counted on that reliability. It was a necessity on even the simplest of days but especially on days like today.

She took him to the first room on the left, which was where he would be staying apparently. It had a bed and that was enough for Cloud so he didn't dwell on any of the other trivial details.

"I'm gonna get some hot water going. Go ahead and get out of those clothes."

With that, Tifa disappeared into the bathroom and once she was gone, he did as she asked. He slipped the sopping clothes from his body until he was left in nothing but his boxers.

It wasn't until he took off the majority of his clothes that he realized just how cold he was. The instant those damp garments were removed, he started warming up but he was still pretty cold, cold enough that he shivered.

_Tifa was right. I was about to get pneumonia…_

The sound of water gushing out of the faucet and into the hollow belly of tub filled the room as Cloud sat on the fur-ridden bed and buried his face in his hands.

"Okay." Tifa reentered the room, slinging water from her hands as she did so. "That should be warm enough. Towels are by the sink. They kinda smell weird but they'll get the job done."

Cloud's mouth curved upward a bit as he rested his forearms across his knees. "Thanks, Tifa."

"No problem," she said as if what she continually did for him on a daily basis wasn't a big deal.

She picked his sopping clothes up off the floor and tucked them into her arms. She looked like she was about to speak but something in his posture or demeanor stopped her. She placed the pile of wet clothes onto the nearby dresser and knelt down in front of him.

Tifa took hold of his hands, pulled them towards her chest, and looked straight into his eyes.

"Be strong," she said, sounding _very_ much like the old Tifa. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen and heard _this_ Tifa. He forgot how much he'd missed her… She was finally back, brave enough to resurface after being buried beneath years worth of pain and suffering he'd shoveled on top of her.

Cloud shifted his hands in hers so that he could take hold of them firmly before _this_ Tifa could slip though his fingers and vanish again. He needed her and more importantly, he wanted her to be herself again. They'd been so strained for so long but they were finally, _finally_ kind of finding their way back, not only to each other, but also to themselves, to whom they really were.

He smiled at her, genuinely. He wanted her to know how much those words meant to him, how much he appreciated the encouragement, how much he needed it.

Returning his smile, she got back to her feet but he continued to hold onto her hands. He stared holes into them as he thought about how he would never be able to repay her for all she'd done for him, for all she continued to do for him and how he would never be able to fully undo all the hurt and damaged he'd caused during the last few years. Seeing the old Tifa, seeing her better made it abundantly clear how hurt she'd truly been and how he would never be able to say sorry enough…

As he held onto her hands, he noticed that she was soaked with rain too. It clung to her hair and weighed down her clothes, lightly dripping onto the floor beneath her feet.

"Aren't you going to take those off?" he asked, frowning.

Tifa's eyes widened and her face flushed as she looked down at her clothes. "It might be kinda weird if I took my clothes off now…"

"No. No… That's not… That came out wrong… I didn't mean—" Cloud was suddenly hot all over. He probably wouldn't need that shower to warm up after all.

"I know." Tifa chuckled and tenderly brushed some of the drops of water off his cheek.

_Why do I always have to be so awkward?_

She slipped her hands out of his and made her way towards the door. "I'll be right across the hall. Just call if you need anything."

Apparently, this meant they wouldn't be sharing a room during their stay here, which – he would admit – was mildly disappointing. He realized it was still hard to determine when their relationship was platonic and when it wasn't. A line hadn't really been drawn in the sand and they didn't really have any rules because the circumstances and situations varied from day to day. They just winged it…but if he wanted to be realistic, if he wanted to be serious, that would have to change…

Unable to think on that subject for too long, Cloud went into the bathroom to take his shower. Maybe it could help him clear his head and help him get some sleep. He was probably going to need it. Defending the Planet, preventing tragedies like those that occurred today, was apparently his purpose. That was why he was still here and he would fight as much as he had to in order to protect those he cared about and so that those who sacrificed themselves for their future wouldn't have done so for nothing. He would be that reluctant, unconventional…' _hero'_ the Planet needed, the one he was made out to be...

Being a hero was overrated in his opinion. He barely qualified as one. It was a position he had fallen into, something that had been trust upon him but he would accept it because it was his purpose. Yes, this was his purpose and he not only understood it, he was _finally_ at peace with it.


	16. Part XVI

* * *

_You can't give up now!_

_There ain't no gettin' off of this train we on!_

– _Barret Wallace, Final Fantasy VII_

* * *

The rumble of a massive truck resonated outside and caused some of the bottles on the shelves to clink and rattle against one another. The walls practically vibrated and Cloud was honestly surprised some of the paintings and taxidermy hanging on the walls hadn't plummeted to the floor.

"Barret's here," Tifa mused. She didn't even get off the couch they were sitting on or look out any windows. She just knew.

Marlene leapt off the couch and bounded through the door to meet him. She probably needed a jacket or sweater but it was too late for either of them to reel her back in. She was long gone and probably already with Barret.

Unhurriedly, Cloud got up and put his plate on the nearest table. There would be no finishing breakfast now that Barret was here.

Barret's jovial laughter could already be heard from outside. It always amused Cloud to see how Barret turned into a giant marshmallow around Marlene. His laugh was always deeper when she was around, when she was the one making him laugh.

"Look who I found wanderin' the wasteland all by his lonesome!" Barret howled as he walked further into the cabin with Marlene propped up on one of his broad shoulders.

Barret moved to the side and Red XIII - or Nanaki as he preferred to be called now – padded in behind him.

"Nanaki!" Tifa beamed, leaping up and dashing past Cloud to meet him.

"Hello, Tifa." His amber eyes shifted to him. "Cloud."

Cloud smiled a little and bobbed his head in silent greeting.

"What are you doing here?" Tifa asked her eyes darting between Barret and Red. She was clearly excited but also curious and perhaps a bit confused. Cloud certainly was.

Red XIII got closer to them. "Barret and I crossed paths near Corel. I was on my way back home then Barret told me about the recent attacks and how Reeve is planning to launch an attack of his own. Of course, I resolved to join the effort and Barret insisted I come here with him. I hope you don't mind…"

"Of course not!" Tifa cried. "It's great to see you!"

Red XIII gave a toothy grin, revealing that he was pretty happy to see them too.

Barret placed Marlene back on the floor and took a few heavy steps toward Cloud and Tifa.

"You listen to the news lately?" Barret asked, his expression stern.

Cloud shook his head. "I listened to some broadcasts last night but I haven't had the chance to check anything this morning."

"Deepground's led an assault on the WRO headquarters," Barret continued, his voice low.

"That would explain why we haven't heard from Reeve," Cloud mused.

Tifa placed a hand over her heart. "Was he there during the attack? Is he okay?"

Barret scratched at the stubble on his chin. "Yeah. Word is he's fine. I figure he'll call once the dust settles a bit."

"I hope so…" Tifa shifted from foot to foot, her eyes pensive.

"There are also reports of their soldiers in Wutai and…-" Barret hesitated a moment, his eyes darting between Cloud and Tifa "-and Nibelheim. "

Denzel's brow furrowed as he approached them. "Nibelheim… Cloud, isn't that where you and Tifa grew up?"

"Mm." Cloud nodded, his eyes distant.

The boy's expression remained bemused. "Why don't you ever go back? Don't you miss it?"

Cloud and Tifa exchanged glances.

He and Tifa did go back…once. They'd gone back after Meteorfall, before they settled down in Edge. They'd gone there looking for a home or some semblance of it. They had looked around and stayed for a little over a day, but Nibelheim was empty to them, devoid of all things that would make it a home or even a pleasant place to visit. They went there under the assumption that hometowns were special to people, _normal_ people, that it would spark something warm inside of them…but it didn't. They'd come to a startlingly similar conclusion: it was full of nothing but bad memories.

What had made Nibelheim special to them as children was gone. The people who had mattered to them were gone, taking the alleged _hometown magic_ with them. It was so empty and barren without their parents, friends, and the old shop owners. Everything sweet, warm, and magical was gone. Thus, they had agreed to start over from scratch. Their new lives would not begin in Nibelheim. There was too much pain and darkness lingering there for them both. Nothing good could grow for them there.

For Tifa, Nibelheim was two dead parents and the place where all her anger and rage towards Shinra and Sephiroth had been born. For Cloud, it was one dead parent and the place where his identity as he'd known it had ceased to exist.

"Not really," he finally replied lowly.

Tifa knelt down in front of Denzel. "The bad that happened there outweighs the good. It's…painful to go back."

Denzel nodded. He knew all about painful memories. He knew how things could become too painful to bare. It was one of the many things they had in common, something else that helped them mesh together so well.

"Lucky for you, Reeve probably won't be askin' us to go to Nibelheim. I'd say he'll be wantin' us in Midgar," Barret stated, folding his arms over his chest.

"Is that what he told you?" Tifa asked.

"Hell… He told me a lot of shit the last time I talked to him. Didn't understand most of it but it sounded like the heart of the problem was in Midgar and that was where he was wantin' to launch some kind of assault." Barret shrugged.

It was funny how some things never changed. Barret and Reeve had always been on opposite ends of the spectrum, operating on different wavelengths. They always worked well together; they were just…different.

Tifa began pacing a little. "So…if we are going to Midgar, we need to talk about what we're going to about the kids."

Cloud's knee jerk reaction was to take them to Elmyra in Kalm but he didn't know how comfortable he was taking them to Kalm. Sure, the WRO was there now and the city was secure but it was still a little too close to Midgar for his liking. And it almost seemed cruel to drag Elmyra to Icicle Inn and force the kids on her. After the attack on Kalm, she probably wanted to lie low with her family until this mess blew over.

"Some of my very first clients live here," he began. "They're an older couple. Their kids are grown and they run a shop nearby. They've already offered to help us out in any way that they can. They'd probably be thrilled to watch the kids."

Before Tifa or Barret could answer, Cloud's phone started vibrating against his hip.

He reached into his pocket and pulled the device out to see Reeve's name lighting up across the screen.

"It's Reeve," he said but didn't answer right away. He had a feeling that this was going to be a long, complicated call and he honestly needed a few seconds to brace himself.

Briefly, he made eye contact with Tifa and when she gave him a reassuring nod, he answered.

* * *

Cloud had been right about the call from Reeve. It was a lot of talking and a lot of passing the phone around between himself, Tifa, Barret, and Red. And a lot of failed attempts at eavesdropping on the kids' part.

He really shouldn't have poked fun at Barret for not understanding Reeve. Cloud had been able to take away next to nothing from that phone call. His only hope was that maybe Tifa had gotten a greater understanding of the situation and its entirety.

As confusing and as complicated as it was, Cloud now understood what they needed to do, what they had to do.

Just as Barret suspected, they would be going to Midgar. Reeve was planning an assault by both land and air. Cid, Yuffie, Vincent, and Reeve himself along with some of the other WRO squads would strike by air while they led the ground assault. Once inside, the ground squads' job (theirs included) was to try to get into the central complex and help shut down the Mako Reactors that were up and working again thanks to Deepground. Apparently, the reactors were being used to revive Omega, which was some entity much like Emerald Weapon, Ruby Weapon, and Ultimate Weapon except it had some kind of apocalyptic powers if awakened prematurely – at least that was what Cloud had come to understand. And if Deepground succeeded in tricking the Weapon into waking, the world they called their home would become a barren rock devoid of all life.

In short, they had to get ready to save the Planet. Again.

Cloud brought what remained of his Materia into the cabin and placed the box on the floor in the middle of the living room.

"Pick your poison."

They'd managed to get some of his old Materia back after the fiasco with the remnants and Yuffie had been kind enough to try to restock some of what had been lost. The latter she'd probably done more for herself than for him. Regardless of why she did it, once Sephiroth and the remnants were taken care of, they'd split the Materia between them. As a result, Cloud didn't have much Materia to go around. He had the basics but he wasn't expecting them to need anything excessive or fancy. It never hurt to have Restore available in case something went wrong though.

"Man! Those Sephiroth remnants really did a number on your stash!" Barret chuckled as he rose from the couch and eased towards the container of Materia.

"We got some of it back but a lot of it was unsalvageable. Most of this is what we found and what Yuffie…donated."

The kids followed Barret's lead, leaping off the couch to get closer. They had always been fascinated by his Materia collection even though they had virtually no idea how to actually use Materia.

Everyone took out some Restore Materia but no one ventured to take out anything fancy like Mime or Enemy Skill or Ultima. Cloud, Red, and Barret took Counter Materia and Tifa took Ice, something that wasn't surprising. Tifa had always liked Ice; it was her magic spell of choice.

"Should we take something stronger?" Red XIII asked as he rolled one of the green orbs around with his paw. "Just in case?"

"Kadaj, Loz, and Yazoo took most of our best," Cloud admitted as he dug through the box in search of something like Deathblow or W Magic but came up with nothing. "I've got some All Materia… Time… Comet…"

Going through Materia with his party always felt like a weird cross between a poker match anjd a business negotiation.

_**FLASH** _

" _I want to try Manipulate!" Yuffie cried, practically leaping over Cosmo Canyon's fire pit toward him._

_Cloud started to hand the ninja said Materia but hesitated at the last moment. "Wait… Do you even know how to use it?"_

_Yuffie scoffed. "What's to know? It's Materia."_

_Cloud looked across the campfire at Cait Sith, the only person he knew of who had successfully used this weird Materia, or any weird Materia for that matter. He was never afraid to go off into uncharted territory or take whatever anyone else wasn't really interested in. Hell, that was how they'd gotten their Enemy Skill Materia to where it was today._

" _Is it complicated?" he asked._

_Cait Sith shook his head. "Not really. Half the time it isn't even that effective but if it is, you just coerce the enemy into using it's abilities on other enemies or even our party if it's useful."_

_Cloud scratched at the back of his neck. "I guess we can trust you with it."_

" _Thank you!" Yuffie cried as she snatched the Materia from his hand and bounced in place. "Oh, and I need Steal and Throw too."_

" _You should take some kind of magic or restorative…" Cloud suggested as he handed Yuffie more of her demands. However, Yuffie didn't listen to his suggestion. Once she had what she wanted, she hopped away to her place on the other side of the campfire, her arms full of her favorite Materia._

"… _Anyone want Cover?" Cloud ran a hand down his face, trying not to get exasperated this early in the Materia process._

" _Not me," Vincent snorted, a slight edge to his tone._

_Cloud wasn't the least bit surprised by this. The last time Vincent had equipped Cover, he'd jumped in front of a blast of Firaga for Yuffie. It had knocked the breath out of him, cracked a rib or two, and stunned him for a while, which was a lot of fun for them too considering Vincent was probably the most difficult member of their party to treat. He didn't like help and it took a while before they were able to get close enough to him to see if he was all right. Needless to say, Cover Materia and Vincent no longer mixed._

" _Anyone? Barret?" Cloud probed._

_Barret shook his head and Cloud gave up on trying to have a tank in their party this go around. It wasn't that big of a deal. They were only checking out Materia caves but a little insurance never hurt._

" _I want Slash-All this time," Cid declared, his latest drag of cigarette smoke leaking from his flared nostrils._

" _Fine with me…" Cloud relented as he began searching for said Materia._

" _No fair," Barret growled. "He got it last time."_

_Did he? Honestly, Cloud couldn't remember. There was so much of this shit and they did this every time they got new weapons or new Materia or shifted out Party members. He couldn't keep up with whom had what when…_

" _Did not. Vincent got it last time," Cid countered._

" _Then ya got it the time before that. All I know is that it's been a long time since I've had anythin' powerful and I want Slash-All."_

" _Fine," the pilot relented. "But I want Double-Cut."_

" _Double-Cut's mine," Cloud replied matter-of-factly because it was true. He kept it equipped. That would not change. He needed it. Plain and simple. It wasn't negotiable. He would negotiate everything_ **except** _Double-Cut._

" _Says who?" Cid snorted._

" _Says me. You can have anything else you want but I need Double-Cut."_

_Cid rolled his eyes. "Then I'll take the mastered Counter Attack. But if we find another Double-Cut…"_

" _It's all yours." Cloud sighed._

_Cid gave a crooked smirk. "Appreciate it."_

_Cloud rubbed at his temples. "Tifa, Red? What do you want?"_

" _What do you need?" Tifa asked politely and it was nice hearing a tone that wasn't demanding._

" _I need someone to equip some restoratives. I don't care who gets what."_

" _I've got it," Tifa said as she squeezed between him and Barret and began searching for her pick of the restorative Materia._

_As she leaned forward, some of her long hair rolled over her shoulder and pooled on the edge of his lap. He found himself staring at the back of her neck, looking at the faint freckle that hid there. At least he thought it was a freckle. It could have been a speck of dirt. Regardless of what it was, it had successfully cast some kind of spell over him and his subconscious was screaming to touch the back of that neck. He was even picking up on her scent, that sweet, warm smell of baked sugar…_

**How can someone's neck be that captivating...?**

" _Hey! How come Tifa doesn't ever have to haggle?!" Yuffie whined._

_Cloud pulled his gaze from Tifa's neck to glare at her. "Because Tifa never bitches about what she does or doesn't get."_

" _Sure…" Yuffie oozed sarcasm. "I'm sure it has nothing to with the fact that Tifa's your favorite."_

" _Who said anything about Tifa being my favorite?" Cloud fought his blush desperately as he and Tifa tried to create space between them._

" _It's obvious," Yuffie huffed._

" _It might help if you talked less," Vincent mused and Barret began chocking on his water as he tried to swallow it and his laugh._

" _Plus, it doesn't hurt that she's prettier than you," Cid added from his lazy position on the ground. He'd somehow managed to make a rock look like an acceptable pillow/recliner._

" _Cid!" Tifa chided, her face red._

" _Are you calling me ugly?! I'm pretty!" the ninja mewled. "Right?!"_

" _Of course you are, Yuffie," Red XIII replied calmly._

" _Thank you. At least someone around here isn't a complete jerk."_

" _Will everyone please just take their Materia for tomorrow so we can go to the Inn and sleep?" Cloud buried his face in his hands, unable to take anymore._

_Silently, Vincent rose from his place by the fire and basically floated towards the Inn. Red, Cid, and Yuffie followed next. Then Barret and Cait Sith left. Tifa, however, lingered, helping him gather up the remaining Materia. She even tried to sort some of it for him so that it would be easier to go through in the future._

" _Aren't you going to pick out any for yourself?" Tifa inquired, sounding amused._

_Cloud sat in silence for a moment, completely dumbfounded._

_In his efforts to pacify everyone else and make sure they were happy and efficient members of his party, he'd_ **completely** _forgotten to get Materia for himself._

_Tifa placed a hand on her mouth to muffle some of her laughter. "I'm sorry. I know it's not funny…but you should see your face."_

_Cloud closed his eyes and massaged his temples. "Forget it. I'll do it in the morning. I don't have the strength or the patience to do it tonight."_

_She folded her arms, chewing on the inside of her cheek and looking away so she wouldn't laugh again._

" _Whatever is in these Materia Caves better be worth it…" he mumbled as he passed her._

" _Be careful what you wish for," Tifa mused as she took several quick steps to catch up with him. "If it is worth it, then everyone will probably fight over it."_

_Cloud stopped dead in his tracks. "Damn it, you're right…"_

_**FLASH** _

Tifa's nose wrinkled, signaling to him that she wasn't crazy about any of the Materia being offered. "I guess I'll take some All Materia just in case but I'm not taking anything else. I don't want to get weighed down with Materia."

It was funny how even now, Tifa tried to be reasonable when it came to Materia. Even when she didn't necessarily like her options, she still tried to make the best of it and trusted his opinion.

"When are you gonna teach us how to use Materia?" Denzel asked as he held one of the glowing, blue orbs in his hand.

"Yeah!" Marlene concurred.

"…Later," Cloud replied flatly and vaguely.

"Much later," Tifa added.

* * *

Once the Materia was successfully distributed, Cloud went out to load Fenrir into Barret's truck and the kids tagged along to play in the snow.

As he unloaded Fenrir and pushed it through the fresh snow towards Barret's armed truck, it began occurring to him that leaving the kids behind wouldn't be easy.

Now that he thought about it, they hadn't really been apart since his last battle with Sephiroth.

Denzel and Marlene were a few feet away, making some kind of fort out of snow. They appeared to be having fun but he knew they didn't really want them to go. They put up a good front and rolled with the punches but they were probably more nervous and uneasy than they were letting on. Cloud wasn't the most perceptive person but even he had picked up on their subtle differences. They were quieter, not as playful, more cooperative, and never too far away from them.

" _You're worried about them, aren't you?"_ It was more of a statement than an actual question.

He turned and saw Red XIII sitting in the snow next to him, watching him intently with keen, golden eyes, his red fur glistening against the white of the snow around them.

"Would you feel better if I stayed here and guarded the children?" Nanaki asked politely.

Cloud reeled a moment. He hadn't been expecting this request. How transparent had he become? Was it that obvious that he was a bit uneasy about leaving the kids behind? Or did Red XIII just know him that well?

"I…I thought you were going with us to Midgar," he countered.

Nanaki got onto all fours and trotted towards him. "Well, I was until I got to thinking… I can't drive a vehicle or use a gun or a phone…"

Cloud smirked. "That never stopped you before."

Red chuckled. "No. I suppose not but given the circumstances, I can't help feeling like I would be more useful here."

Cloud crossed his arms and leaned against Fenrir as he began mulling it over.

"What's going on?" Tifa asked, putting her fighting gloves in her back pocket and walking towards them.

"Nanaki has offered to stay here with the kids," he replied.

Tifa looked as taken aback as he'd felt a few minutes ago.

"That's very nice of you but you don't have t—"

"No. I insist. You and Cloud and even Barret won't be useful to anyone if you are worried about the children," Nanaki replied softly yet firmly.

Cloud had to admit that Red was right. They wouldn't be able to do what they needed to do if they were distracted by the kids and their safety (or the lack thereof). Cloud could definitely handle that extra layer of security, and Red XIII was an ideal solution.

Sure, his old clients from Icicle Village would have sufficed but Cloud knew Nanaki would protect the kids with his life if Deepground were to attack here too. Plus, Red was very capable of fending off any enemies that came his way. It would be hard to find a better protector. And not only would this make him feel better, Red XIII staying behind would probably make this easier on the kids as well…

Tifa and Cloud exchanged silent glances and he knew they were thinking the same thing.

"If you're sure that it's really what you want to do… You'll definitely help our peace of mind, especially since Deepground has spread as far as Wutai," Tifa replied and Cloud nodded his agreement. "Thank you."

"We'll owe you one," Cloud concurred.

Red XIII looked out past the blindingly white expanse towards kids. "They are very special. I see how much all of you care for them and even though I am not as close to them as I'd like to be, I care for them because I can see just how much they mean to you. And I would never be able to forgive myself if something were to happen to them when there was something I could have done to help prevent it."

"If that's really how you feel…" Cloud replied honestly, fully understanding where Red was coming from.

Nanaki grinned. "Thank you, Cloud, Tifa."

Tifa simpered. "I think we are the ones who should be thanking you, but you're very welcome."

* * *

There were times when Cloud simply liked to step back and watch from a distance, especially when it came to Tifa and the kids. His issues with memory and his warped perceptions of reality had made him more appreciative of the smaller, more trivial things in life. He tried harder to commit specific moments, specific details, specific feelings to memory because he knew what it was like to be blank, to be empty, to lose pieces of yourself forever.

Currently, he found himself trying to take in every detail of this particular moment. He wanted to remember Icicle Inn's crisp chill in his bones, the crunch of the thin layer of snow beneath his feet, and more importantly, the faint sound of the kids voices as they showed Tifa and Red XIII their snow fort. He wanted to remember how bright Red's fiery tail looked like it would melt the snow beneath it. He even wanted to remember the exact shade of pink Tifa's cheeks radiated within the cold and just how many glittering bits of snow got lost in the dark strands of her hair…

Sometimes, you can feel the moments that you'll look back on and remember with fondness or some significant amount of nostalgia and Cloud could already feel himself looking back on his frame in his memory bank with a quirky tenderness tickling at his heartstrings in the future. When he was older, maybe even when the kids were grown and gone, he would look back to this moment and remember what it was like to have them this close and young and innocent, full of promise and opportunity. And that was why they fought, for their future, so they could have what they couldn't have, so they wouldn't have to endure what they had endured. That was why they were jumping into the fray again.

Thinking of life without the kids made him focus his attention on Tifa. When the kids were gone, when they inevitably grew up, where would that leave him? Where would that leave _them_?

That persistent tickle was back in his sternum. It was that overwhelming sensation that he still didn't fully understand. Hell, he still didn't even know if he liked it or not. He usually only felt it when Tifa was close. When she was close enough that he could hear her heartbeat, when she touched him, when she drew circles on the skin covering his chest, when he woke up in the morning and saw her sleeping contentedly next to him or felt her against him. But he wasn't anywhere near her now and that pesky feeling was there, filling him up as if it were hell bent on filling his chest to capacity, splitting all of his ribs, and busting out of him and leaving him a messy heap of steaming meat and bones.

 _What is this…?_ _I should know… It's familiar…_

"Yo!" Barret busted out of the cabin and made a beeline for his truck. "We headin' out or what?"

Cloud figured he was as ready as he was going to be. The kids were taken care of. All babysitters were accounted for. They had their weapons and their Materia. Fenrir was ready and waiting in the back of Barret's truck. The only thing left for them to do was get to Midgar.

"Let's mosey," he said.

Red XIII laughed. "Wow. It's been a while since I've heard that."

Denzel and Marlene stumbled up to them, covered in snow, their cheeks and noses still rosy and red from their time in the cold.

"You're leaving?" Denzel asked, already sounding disappointed. "Like, right now?"

Cloud knelt down in front of him. "I think so. But we'll come back here soon and I'll teach you how to snowboard."

Denzel's eyes fell. "Will you be gone long?"

"Not too long," Cloud replied.

Taken completely off guard, Denzel hugged him. Cloud was surprised but touched as he returned the gesture and patted his back. He could count the number of times Denzel had openly shown affection towards him on one hand. It rarely happened. They were both so guarded…

"I want a hug too!" Marlene cried as she climbed onto his back and wrapped her cold arms tightly around his neck.

Cloud coughed as Marlene squeezed his windpipe partially closed but managed to pat at her arm somehow.

"Okay. Enough. Let go…" he rasped and tried to pry her off.

Marlene giggled and eventually released her surprisingly strong hold on him.

As Cloud got back to his feet and massaged his throat, he caught Tifa grinning at him, something foreign twinkling in her eyes.

"What?"

Still smiling, she shook her head. "Nothing. You're just…different."

Cloud blushed and nervously scratched the back of his head. "Bad…different…?"

"No." Tifa's smile grew. "Just…different."

He could live with different. Different was a good thing. Different was something they needed. They'd needed to break their unhealthy cycle for a while now. Yes. Different had the potential to be a move in the right direction.

"All right. Time to get goin'. That ground assault ain't gonna lead itself," Barret yelled after giving Marlene a bear hug and leaping into the driver's seat.

Tifa's smile fell and she turned back to Red XIII. "You're _sure_ you feel comfortable helping with the kids?"

"Yes, Tifa. I'm quite sure."

"Because you don't have to. You can still come with us if you want…" she insisted.

Nanaki gave a toothy grin. "No. I want to stay here and help with the kids. I think it will be for the best."

"Okay. If you're sure…" Tifa relented reluctantly, taking a few steps back.

"And if any hair is out of place on Marlene's head, I'll be gettin' a new red coat from your hide," Barret shouted out the driver's side window.

Nanaki chuckled. "Understood."

Tifa placed some of Marlene's hair behind her ear and patted Denzel's shoulders. "Call if you need us. Or if you just want to check in. We'll have our phones with us. And we'll call whenever we get the chance."

Cloud placed a hand on the small of Tifa's back, gently nudging her towards the passenger seat.

"It'll be fine," he whispered in her ear.

With that, Tifa finally surrendered and got into the vehicle. Once she was seated, Cloud climbed in next to her and pulled the heavy, metal truck door closed.

Barret revved the truck's noisy engine to life, toying with the gas pedal a few times before finally - and rather forcefully - coercing the vehicle into motion. "Alright! Let's do it!"


	17. Part XVII

* * *

" _It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow._

_Wait for the common sense of the morning."_

_\- H.G. Wells_

* * *

Being in the back of Barret's truck was kind of lonely. He would have preferred to still be up front with Tifa and Barret but their plan required him to be in the back with Fenrir. So, after they'd met up with the other WRO squads participating in the ground assault, he'd crawled into the back alone.

It was probably for the best. He kind of needed to get in a certain state of mind for this. He needed to be focused. So he sat silently next to Fenrir, his only company.

About an hour (half an hour) out, Tifa's voice came through the walky-talky, letting him know they were getting close and that she would let him know when the old Shinra HQ was in view. That would be his cue to bail and head out ahead of them and lead the assault.

Honestly, Cloud didn't really know what to expect once they reached Midgar but he was ready for anything. Reeve and Barret anticipated a lot of guns, a lot of explosions, and a lot of machinery, nothing he hadn't encountered before. There was also the possibility of running into some of the Deepground elite, the Tsviets, but again, nothing he hadn't encountered before.

It was hard to imagine anything that could rival Sephiroth. Sephiroth was kind of in a league of his own. Some enemies had gotten close but thankfully, there would probably only be one Sephiroth. Everything else would always pale in comparison, which wasn't a bad thing. Sephiroth had a magical way of making everything else seem small, which would probably come in handy right about now.

" _I see it,"_ came Tifa's voice though the speaker and just like that, the hatch of the truck opened in front of him.

Cloud shifted onto the bike and adjusted his sunglasses onto his face.

"Time to go, Fenrir."

He reeved the engine and launched out of the back of the truck like a cannon.

His vision was filled with dirt for a few moments before he was finally able to clear the dust cloud and adjust to the uneven terrain of the wasteland. Weaving through various, jagged rock formations, he managed to slip in front of Barret and the rest of the WRO squads they'd met up with and lead the way.

He was able to see the Shinra building and the hundreds of little dots surrounding it and its base. Funny. It kind of reminded him of an anthill.

Cloud could see people dropping from the various airships overhead. He was too far away to make out any of their features but he assumed one of them had to be either Yuffie or Vincent, maybe even both.

As they drew closer to the old HQ, Cloud could see the little dots surrounding its base take form. There were countless lines of soldiers, choppers, and armed machines.

After the air assault began, all hell broke loose. Missiles flew into the air in an attempt to bring down the countless airships overhead. Little flickers of light covered the ground and the sky like millions of fireflies but Cloud knew that in reality, those lights were the result of thousands of guns going off, firing bullets at the enemy closing in on them from the sky.

Their ground assault hadn't even gotten that close to the first line of defense yet and choppers and airships were already on fire and plummeting to the ground in a fiery heap.

Adrenaline was pumping now. The anticipation was getting to him and he was actually kind of… _excited_. It had been a while since he'd had a good fight, since he'd faced a real challenge.

Suddenly, the focus was on them. Missiles were hitting the ground a few feet in front of their armed vehicles and bullets were whizzing all around them. Deepground was firing at them now. They'd been spotted and they were in range.

Once they were close enough, Cloud pulled his sword from Fenrir's compartment and Barret's truck blasted the first line of soldiers and machines. The missiles collided with countless machines, exploding violently and creating a wall of fire in front of him. Cloud used the bright blast as a chance to drive through the flames and dash underneath the metal legs of the towering machines lumbering towards them.

Cloud was making a beeline right for the main defenses, weaving through the piles of scrap metal around them then, a woman with red hair, red eyes, and rather revealing armor came into view. By the time he sensed her, she'd already leapt from some perch, so from his perspective, it was like she had just been shot from the heavens themselves.

She torpedoed down into him in a blaze of spiraling red and blue, forcing him to abandon Fenrir and go after her hand to hand.

His blade collided with hers, causing another impact of red and blue that was much like the blast she made when she first crashed into him on Fenrir.

Debris and fire from the sky were raining down all around them as they fought, the sunset making everything as dull and rusty as the buildings and rubble of Midgar. There really was nothing left of the city but dust and metal skeletons.

Almost instantly, his fight with the red woman began feeling less and less like a fight and more and more like a game, like she was humoring him or trying to distract him. She was toying with him and doing a lot more dodging and leaping than swinging.

Maybe she came after him on purpose, knowing who he was… But that seemed highly unlikely. She was obviously a Tsviet and these Deepground elites had supposedly only been exposed to the light of day a few days ago. Yes, the prospect was unlikely but not impossible. Maybe she'd just sensed his strength. He'd certainly sensed hers once he was close enough. In fact, he sensed a bit too much of everything. It didn't happen often but in situations like these, it was sometimes hard for him to focus on one source. There were so many bullets and missiles flying through the air, so many people, so many robotics and vehicles. His senses were on overload but he managed to focus on her.

"Not that this isn't fun, darling, but I really must be going," she said, her foreign accent thick. "I could kill you but I realize now that doing that will take a bit more time than I anticipated, time that I need to spend somewhere else. You understand, don't you, darling?"

_Darling…?_

Cloud doubted she could kill him. She was no pushover but, as expected, she was no Sephiroth. She wasn't even up to par with Kadaj. And if they couldn't kill him, he doubted she could. However, she appeared to have a serious superiority complex. She probably genuinely believed she could kill him. But he wasn't going to let her go that easily.

Without answering her question, Cloud rushed at her again. Their weapons collided but she deflected his blade almost immediately, causing him to stagger.

Seeing the opening, she smirked and moved to strike but Cloud pulled one of his smaller, quicker swords from the larger Fusion Sword and blocked again. Her eyes widened as she saw the counter blow from the main sword coming and moved to dodge it, missing the blow from one swing only to receive a much heavier blow from his second one.

Opponents often underestimated Cloud's speed and agility in battle. They assumed he would be much slower than he actually was because of the size of his weapon. Thus, it always threw them off when he chose to pick up speed or counter.

He pulled his sword far behind his head, and forced it down, not relenting until he felt its metal collide with the dry, hard earth beneath her feet.

The woman went reeling, skidding across the ground like a pebble across a lake until she finally regained her footing near a large pile of scrap metal.

As she recovered from the blow, her expression was a cross between fury and apprehension. However, the apprehension flickered across her sharp features only for a moment before it was replaced with pure anger.

It wasn't until that moment that he managed to get a good look at her. She appeared to be a little older than him and Tifa. Her red, spiked, wavy hair went just past her shoulders and the widow's peak framing her forehead made her look even more furious with him.

She lifted her unusual weapon (some kind of double blade) and pointed it at him. A bit too late, Cloud realized it was some kind of gunblade. The click of its trigger was loud in his ears. Instinctively, he lifted his sword to block the gunfire but he was still too slow. The bullets whizzed past his ears as several others grazed his neck and lodged into his right shoulder.

Cloud winced and upon seeing the blood trickling down his arm, the Tsviet began to laugh maniacally.

It stung but as she continued to laugh and be much too amused by his pain, he shrugged it off and prepared to continue.

When she finally stopped laughing, Cloud charged again. However, this woman had other plans. She became extremely evasive. He would strike, she would block or dodge, and he'd try to counter only to have her dash away from him.

She wasn't dumb. She knew she was outmatched.

He tried to coax her into continuing the fight but after blocking a particularly powerful blow, she ran off. She became a red streak amidst the dust and rubble.

For a while, he chased after her but she was fast and when she disappeared behind a sea of giant machines, he lost her. He took out a few of the robots and several foot soldiers blocking her path but when he finally saw her again, she was too far away.

Swamped by dozens of Deepground soldiers, Cloud decided to let her go. She was probably going to the Shinra building or close to it where the stronger defenses were. If that were the case, Vincent could handle her. He and some of the other WRO squads were supposed to be further in in order to take out the Tsviets anyway.

A bit at a loss of what to do now that his primary opponent was gone, Cloud began taking out the countless soldiers nearby. He figured they were a good a target as any. They would have to thin their numbers out if they were going to stand a chance of shutting down the Mako reactors.

Cutting through enemies, he slowly made his way back towards the spot where he'd left Fenrir. The only problem with Cloud's plan was that he couldn't exactly remember _where_ he'd abandoned Fenrir… But that was okay. If he couldn't find Fenrir, he was sure he'd at least stumble across Tifa or Barret – or at the _very_ least someone from the WRO.

Eventually, he found Tifa. She was on top of one of the giant, Deepground robots, punching her way through its hard, metal exterior until she found some kind of chip covered in dozens of buzzing wires. Then, she ruthlessly ripped it out, tossed it aside, and leapt back onto the ground. Seconds later the machine was wobbling on its many legs and exploding.

_And here I am just cutting them apart…_

It had been a while since Cloud had seen Tifa in action. Sure, she still practiced and sparred but it had been a while since he actually saw her _destroy_ something. And damn, did she look good doing it.

Casually, Tifa brushed the debris off her hands and placed them on her hips as she looked around for her next target but found him instead.

Tifa's big, brown eyes brightened as she waved and made her way towards him.

"Behind you!" she cried, her smile falling. "Duck!"

His first instinct was to turn to see what was behind him and possibly about to kill him but in the end, Tifa's command won. Cloud ducked and the next thing he knew, Tifa was leaping over him and kicking a massive Deepground soldier to the ground, her foot colliding with the soldier's jaw before she used her momentum to backflip off him.

The heavily armored soldier along with his rocket launcher fell to the ground in a motionless heap.

"You okay?" she asked as she turned towards him.

"Yeah. I'm fine," he replied as he straightened. "Where's Barret?"

"Hmm." Tifa looked around. "He's around here somewhere. He took the truck to get Fenrir and use up the last of its ammo."

Cloud slung his sword onto his shoulder. "I guess we can just make our way through until we find him."

"Works for me," she replied. "He's probably made his way back toward the Shinra building where most of the defenses are by now."

Cloud nodded and began heading for said building.

Tifa fell into stride beside him and it was strangely nostalgic. It reminded him of all the times he'd had her in his party, how she always did her best to keep up, how reliable and useful she was. There was always something comforting about having her near. That same comfort blanketed him now as they walked and fought together but there was also an added layer of caution, the need to make sure she was safe even though she was _more_ than capable of fending for herself. His mind said she was more than safe but his heart insisted that he shouldn't let her wander too far.

Still, it felt good being a team again. Fighting together was strangely therapeutic, like reestablishing some of the old trust they'd once had, trust they'd gained through traveling together for so long, trust that could only be gained by fighting together and watching each other's backs through countless battles and multiple brushes with death.

Just as Cloud was about to decide that Barret had abandoned them to find his designated Mako reactor on his own, the roar of a familiar truck erupted nearby.

"Tifa!" Cloud shouted, grabbing her by the elbow and yanking her away from her latest opponent just as Barret plowed through and shot the vehicle's last round of missiles into the oncoming defenses.

Tifa collided with his chest and he found himself holding her to him to shield her from all the dust, the debris, and the missiles themselves.

When the dust settled and he was finally able to open his eyes, they met with Tifa's almost instantly. She was looking up at him, her hands clinging to his shirt. They were both stunned by the unexpected proximity for a moment before slowly detaching from one another. However, the hot static that had accumulated between them from that brief contact lingered and sizzled with a vengeance, refusing to be ignored.

That old, nagging ache was back, becoming increasingly persistent. It was only a matter of time before it became too much, before it took the place of all human rationale and forced him to act on his baser instincts…

"Yo! Did ya forget about me?" Barret called, poking his head out of the driver's side window.

"How could we when you almost ran us over?" Cloud sneered.

Barret snorted. "I wasn't anywhere near ya."

"I don't know…" Tifa mused. "You were cutting it kind of close."

Barret waved his hand dismissively. "Ah. You two 're just overreactin'."

"Did you find my bike?" Cloud asked.

Barret pointed his thumb to the back of the truck. "It's in the back."

"Have you tried to contact Cid or Reeve?" Tifa asked as she climbed into the passenger seat.

"Nah. Not since we set out. Hadn't really had time."

"I'll check in." She picked up the radio transmitter attached to the truck and started playing with the knobs.

" _Mr. Strife?"_

Cloud glanced over his shoulder to see several WRO soldiers looking at them expectantly. They seemed to be your average soldiers. There didn't appear to be a commander with them. That would probably explain the wild, panicky look in their eyes.

"May we accompany you on foot?" asked the one nearest him.

He looked back towards the Shinra building and the still waiting Deepground defenses. The ground forces had probably gone as far as they could by vehicle. They'd have to continue on foot if they were going to penetrate the defenses and make their way toward the central complex so they could reach the reactors.

"Hell yeah! The more the merrier!" Barret replied.

Cloud nodded his agreement. He didn't see the harm as long as they didn't get in the way.

"We are trying to get in touch with the air squads now. We'll get moving after we hear from them," Cloud continued.

"Thank you, Mr. Strife, Mr. Wallace." The nervous soldiers saluted them.

Unsure of how to respond, Cloud simply nodded and made his way to the passenger side of the truck.

He wasn't even halfway around the vehicle and he could hear Cid's voice over the transmitter already.

"We haven't been able to penetrate the defenses yet. We're about to continue on foot so we can reach the upper level plates," Tifa explained coolly, her eyes meeting his as he leaned in through the window to listen.

" _The air squads should be there soon. They'll join ya and the rest of the ground forces once everyone gets there."_ Cid's gravely voice blasted through the transmitter, along with some unwanted static.

"Got it," she replied. "We'll report back once we get there. Be careful."

" _Don't worry. Me and the Shera got this!"_

"Give 'em hell!" Barret chuckled.

" _Will do! Oh, and one more thing, do you guys happen to have a map of the Shinra building?"_

"I think so…" Tifa scratched the top of her head.

" _Do you mind getting that to Vincent? He'll be going beneath the Shinra building to the passage to Deepground and he don't got a map of the entire building but that's where you guys come in. Ya know, since Strife is the map guy and all."_

"I got it," Cloud replied flatly.

" _Knew we could count on you, Strife!"_ With that, the transmitter clicked off.

* * *

It was becoming painfully clear that a lot of these WRO members were inexperienced and under-qualified. He'd venture to say that some of them were even scared and they clung to Cloud, Tifa, and Barret like parasites. Cloud didn't necessarily mind. They had heart and they weren't in his way. They weren't slowing him down but they were very eager to follow their lead. The commanders were composed enough but the younger, newer recruits…struggled.

Cloud sympathized. They reminded him of his days as an infantryman. He only wished that he were as warm and charismatic as Zack. If Zack were here, he'd be able to put their minds at ease just like he'd put his at ease years ago. Cloud tried to do his best Zack imitation for them but continually fell short but luckily, Tifa was there to make up for his lack of warmth and charisma.

Not for the first time, he realized that she really was everything he wasn't. They had a lot in common but their differences made it obvious why they worked as well as they did. Was this what saps meant by finding your other half? Finding someone who completes you? He'd never really given it much thought but Tifa did complete him in her own unique way. She'd almost literally filled in the gaps in his memory and his heart. Now they were this weird mesh of a person but it worked. Was it perfect? No. But it worked and it worked well.

Tifa was pacing around with the phone pressed to her ear. Cloud was staying close, guarding her so she could keep trying to get in touch with Vincent. Yes, she could take care of herself but the phone was probably distracting and kept her from fighting as she normally would.

_Better safe than sorry…_

The stronger defenses were closer to the central complex, past the train graveyard but there was still plenty of Deepground to go around. They couldn't go too far without stumbling upon some kind of Deepground entity (snipers, aerial troopers, you name it) but since his encounter with the woman in red, Cloud hadn't seen any more of the Tsviets.

Now it was just them and what stood between them and the reactors. But Cloud had to admit it was kind of strange walking these streets again. Whenever he came to Midgar, he usually went straight to Aerith's church. He didn't go to Sector 7 or Sector 8. After they'd moved to Edge, he'd preferred to stay away from as much as Midgar as possible. It brought back painful memories, both pre and post Meteor.

He'd forgotten how bad everything looked. In fact, it looked worse than he remembered. No doubt this struggle with Deepground had probably made things worse. It was a war zone. Everything was littered with bullet holes and fires were scattered everywhere throughout each Sector. You couldn't take five steps without walking over soldier bits or airship debris.

Seeing what remained of Sector 8 was always pretty jarring. The fountain in the middle of the area that had once provided water for kids to throw gil into and make wishes was now bone dry, broken, and crumbling. Glass from windows and streetlights littered the ground and the stairwells. And the clock that still (barely) hung over the corridor leading further into the sector now only had it's hour hand which was stuck forever on _VII_. Cloud had no idea where the minute and second hands were.

Tifa sighed and shook her head. "I can't get through."

"Keep tryin'" Barret howled, shooting through another soldier. The numbers were dwindling but they continued to pop up everywhere like hives. It felt endless, like they'd been trying to penetrate their defenses forever. They were finally making a dent in their numbers but the Mako reactors were still up and operating at full capacity. However, they were getting closer to them. Cloud could see them and their strange, green glow in the distance behind what remained of Midgar's many towering buildings.

Despite the seemingly relentless onslaught, it was still highly entertaining watching Tifa alternate between punching someone/something in the face while trying to make phone calls. She'd dial, get frustrated, kick or punch the nearest opponent, all without dropping the phone or losing her balance. Sometimes she would even throw a combo with her fists, elbows, and knees all without dropping the phone. It was fascinating to watch.

Cloud was so distracted by her display at times that he almost caught a rocket launcher in the shoulder but he couldn't help it. It was basically impossible not to watch.

She was cursing under her breath now as she switched the phone to her other ear and effortlessly kicked a gun out of a soldier's hand.

That almost made him laugh but instead he countered for her, cutting through the stunned and now unarmed soldier.

"Thank you," she said lowly as she pulled the phone from her ear and began toying with it again.

"Anything?" he probed, easing closer and trying to see what she was doing on the phone.

"No… I can't even get in touch with Cid anymore." She sighed. "I guess I'll try again."

"Behind you," he warned.

Tifa turned to see another massive soldier with a rocket launcher aiming at them.

"Tifa." He lowered his sword, making a makeshift ramp for her.

Tifa smirked at the offering. "Got it!"

Reading his mind, she leapt onto the length of the Fusion Sword, easily gaining her balance.

"Ready?" he asked.

She steadied herself, crouching against the blade like a King Behemoth getting ready to pounce. "Ready."

With that, he swung his sword with everything he had, launching her toward the soldier like a cannon. Tifa flipped through the air effortlessly, colliding with the enemy feet first, the blow sending both the soldier and his rocket launcher reeling.

"Barret!" she called as she rolled back onto the ground.

Barret responded instantly with laser focus, zoning in on the staggering solider with ease and filling him with bullets until he collapsed to the ground with a heavy thud.

"Boom! That's what I'm talking about!" Barret bellowed with a wide smile, shooting a few victory rounds into the air. "We've still got it!"

Tifa giggled a little and Cloud couldn't keep from grinning. It did feel good to be a team again, to know they hadn't gotten rusty and could still work together like a well-oiled machine. However, they couldn't celebrate for long. There was still a long way to go and a lot of soldiers they had to barrel through.

Tifa pulled the phone back out of her pocket and jumped back into the fray, following Barret's path at a distance.

They continued the now almost redundant and monotonous task of taking out guards, robots, and snipers surrounding the building. The gunfire – both nearby and at a distance – was constant. The explosions were fewer and farther between with most of the giant robotics taken out by the first round of assault in their armed vehicles but they were still happening further into the city where most of the airships were, which also happened to be where they were heading.

"Hey, I got through!" Tifa cried, leaping a little.

Cloud's ears perked.

"Wha?" Barret stopped shooting and leaned toward the phone. "You got through!? Yo, Vincent! You still alive!?"

"Of course he is, we're talking to him, aren't we? And do you really have to shout right next to my ear?" Tifa grimaced and did her best to bend away from Barret.

Barret snorted and took a hefty step back. "Sorry 'bout that, Tifa!"

Tifa sighed and took a few additional steps away from Barret for good measure. "I apologize, Vincent. Here's Cloud."

Cloud took the phone from her and held it to his ear. "Vincent?"

" _Cloud. It's been a while."_

Silence.

Cloud didn't say anything because he honestly didn't know what to say, like always.

" _Cid's airship?"_ Vincent inquired, sounding slightly apprehensive.

"We lost contact about 15 minutes ago." Cloud said matter-of-factly, his eyes focusing on the ground beneath Tifa's feet as she stood next to him. "I don't think we have to worry, though. Those two should be fine."

" _Yeah. And what about you?"_

Cloud almost laughed. "What do you think?"

"Right!" Tifa chimed in. "You can count on us!"

"When I'm through, there won't be a single sucka standing!" Barret shouted and began shooting nearby soldiers again.

" _Right."_

Cloud paused for a moment. "And as for you…"

" _Don't worry. Leave Deepground to me."_

"Can you hold on a second?" He turned. "Tifa," he said as he caught her gaze and tossed the phone to her.

"Got it!" She caught the cellphone with ease. "Vincent, I'm sending you a map of the Shinra building. Deepground is below the complex. Take an elevator as far down as you can. Good luck!"

"Give 'em hell, Vincent!" Barret bellowed right in Tifa's ear with a force that made some of her hair fly away from her face.

Tifa winced then frowned. "Barret, I thought I told you to—"

"Don't go getting yourself killed, now," Cloud called, trying to regain some control over the rapidly deteriorating situation. He didn't want the last thing Vincent heard to be Tifa chewing out Barret. This had to be one of the most unorthodox phone conversations ever. They couldn't even have normal phone calls.

Tifa hung up the phone, placed her hands on her hips, and glared at Barret.

"Sorry, Tifa," he chuckled, not sounding very sorry.

Cloud smirked and began making his way through the sector. As funny as Barret annoying Tifa was, they needed to keep moving.

Their trek towards the reactors continued and the nearby troops followed them as if they were connected by invisible strings.

As they weaved through the buildings, it slowly began occurring to him where they were.

His eyes began scanning the buildings that still stood around them, wondering which building was _the_ building. Or _their_ building…

_**FLASH** _

_Rain had begun coming down heavily as he made his way through Sector 8 towards the fountain where he was meeting up with Tifa and Barret. It wasn't a gentle rain. This was a powerful storm with bits of hail in it._

_Luckily, he'd managed to finish most of his tasks for the day before the storm hit._

_During the day, Cloud, Barret, and Tifa busied themselves by helping out around Midgar. They'd split up to help with communication, to help get the needed materials from one place to the next. It sounded simple but after Meteor, things like that became really important, critical in fact. They were key to rebuilding lives and homes._

_It wasn't much but it kept them busy, which was a good thing. They had to keep themselves occupied to keep the past, their sins, and their guilt away. Barret said that they should live on and give back, pay back for all they'd done, their sins. If that was what it took to be forgiven, then Cloud would do everything in his power to do it but living and giving was much easier said than done._

_Walking against angry sheets of rain, Tifa made her way towards him._

" _Where's Barret?" she called over the pounding rain and the crackling of hail popping on cement. He couldn't help but notice that she didn't smile at him._

_Like him, Tifa had to be kept occupied in order to keep her from dwelling on things and depressing herself. He was a victim of this type of behavior. It was nothing new to him. That was who he was but that wasn't who Tifa was and it was painful to see her like this. So, he would often do everything he could to lift her spirits, to bring the old Tifa back. He needed her and he tried to encourage her to remember who she really was whenever he could._

_It was strange. Their roles had temporarily reversed. He was now the one urging her on. He'd kept playing the role of noble leader even though Tifa and Barret were all that was left of his party. He'd stay strong for them. He kept fighting his mounting, negative feelings. He kept pushing their group forward even though he didn't know the destination any more than they did but he had to push on for something otherwise he would get down and he wouldn't get back up._

_Of course, Tifa never stopped being his support system but she was…_ **different** _now that it was all over. She was troubled but Cloud challenged anyone to find someone nowadays who wasn't._

" _I haven't seen him since we split up this morning." He grabbed her wrist and began pulling her towards one of the many deserted buildings. "Don't worry about it. We'll call and meet up with him tomorrow. He probably wasn't going to come back tonight anyway."_

_Their rendezvous point was underneath a plate that had been dubbed dangerous. It was basically their home at the moment. Even though it was rumored to be on the verge of collapse, they slept under it every night. However, there were days when they split up to help what remained of Midgar's population and would either get sent out of town or wouldn't make it back to the plate in time and would have to stay the night elsewhere. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence with all the running around they did._

_With all the rain and the intensity of this particular storm, Cloud doubted he and Tifa would be making it back to their plate anytime soon._

_They searched one of the crumbling buildings nearby and eventually found an abandoned apartment of sorts. It wasn't much to look at but it had a bed and a busted TV stacked on top of a bunch of broken crates. More importantly, it was dry._

_To keep from getting pneumonia, they stripped down to their underwear and tried to air dry. Cloud wasn't sure when what remained of their modesty finally flew out the door (probably under the Highwind) but it was basically non-existent now. It suddenly seemed…trivial. There were much worse things after all…_

_As soon as he sat on the bed, his eyes glazed over and he was immediately lost in the thick, muck lurking inside his head._

_It was worse at night. It was worse when it was quiet, when he finished all his little goals for the day. His days were so busy that he didn't have time to think about all these things but once everything slowed down in the evenings, it got harder. It was harder when there was nothing left but his thoughts, his regrets, his sadness, and his pain._

_Cloud had accepted a while back that he just wasn't normal. He just didn't function like a normal human being, so it wasn't that surprising when he didn't greave like a normal person. He…suppressed things. He bottled it up and pushed it down and down and down hoping that it would lessen, subside, or dissolve but it never did. It just stayed inside him and festered._

_It had to come to a head sometime though, right? It would catch up with him eventually. For Tifa, it had been when they'd gone back to_ **her** _church before everyone split up and went their separate ways. She'd fallen to her knees and cried and cried…and cried._

_After his second round of Mako poisoning, after he'd retrieved most of the pieces of his former self, emotions were even harder than they had been before. He always had a cap on his emotions and they could never make it past his exterior even though they were very much alive inside of him. He felt them now, now that his day was slowing down, now that his thoughts had the chance to rally together and get louder…_

_He felt a hand graze across his cheek and flow into his hair._

_Cloud looked up to see Tifa gazing down at him with eyes that reflected his own silent sadness, his regrets…_

_He didn't want to be seen this way. Tifa needed his strength now more than ever and he didn't want her to see him without any but once it started, it couldn't be stopped. She saw through his empty stare, his lifelessness. She knew what it meant. She saw the pain rooted deep inside. She knew he was grieving in his own unique way._

_Silently, she crawled onto the bed and leaned against him. Her cheek on his shoulder and her arms weaved though one of his own._

_He gravitated towards her until, eventually, he was lying on top of her. They disentangled only for a moment so they could get close to one another again._

" _Do you want to talk about it?" Her voice was weak and gentle as she ran her fingers along the edge of his hair and across his cheek again._

_He shook his head._

" _Good. I don't want to either."_

_How long he lied there on top of her like that, he didn't know. He was only semi-conscious of not completely crushing her with his weight. She wasn't complaining so he assumed his weight wasn't too much. That, or she was as drunk on grief and pain as he was, which was a strong possibility._

_When he finally sobered and became a bit more lucid, he pulled back, balancing himself over her by shifting some of his weight to his forearms. Silence – aside from the rain pounding away outside – engulfed the space as she gazed up at him and he stared down at her._

_She truly was a beauty that could bring any man to his knees, even when she was waterlogged with dark circles under her eyes and worry wrinkles in her brow._

_Moving purely off instinct, he kissed her as he did his best to position himself comfortably against her._

_Even though they were scantily clad and he was settling between her legs, the kiss was innocent, much more innocent than their actual first kiss. It was chaste but passionate, almost like they were kids trying to figure out how kissing was suppose to work in the first place._

_Her hands were on each side of his face, her fingers subtly curling against his hairline. Meanwhile one of his hands was against her neck, feeling her pulse before gliding down the length of her body to rest lifelessly on her hip._

_They'd successfully learned how to lose themselves in each other. It was a crutch, a form of denial, a way to forget the world outside, to forget all the damage they had caused and all the lives that had been lost. It was another way for them to fight against the mounting odds against them but this time they didn't have a clear foe. Sephiroth was gone. There was no one left to fight, no one left to hate…except for themselves._

_Cloud got lost in kissing her, in feeling her lips against his own, her hands in his hair, his hips against hers… Kissing Tifa had the same effect as drinking Corel Alcohol with Barret but he found that he liked this better._

_He absorbed every precious detail into his memory, how soft she was, how she smelled like sugar-filled rain, how her pulse would quicken when he kissed her a certain way, when his hand would move to touch her back or graze his fingertips along her belly, when his mouth would leave hers to venture down her throat, or even when he brushed his parted lips against her collarbone, his breath trickling across her skin…_

_Kissing her drug on and on but of course, impatience eventually proved superior and he shifted, his hips threatening to move against hers._

_Her hands glided down his torso as if she'd never seen it exposed before and he shuddered as if she'd never raked her hands down him before._

_Breathing a bit harder than normal, he rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes._

_It both amazed and terrified him that she could coax this kind of thing out of him so easily. He was all worked up in spite of himself. His skin felt hot. No, his blood felt hot and that heat was radiating out of him in merciless waves. He went from being almost completely numb to feeling_ **everything.**

_Tifa's fingers were curling against his scalp, shoulders, and the back of his neck, holding him close. Her breathing was heavier too and her lips were swollen and red from the prolonged kissing. Her legs were lifted, resting against his sides. Her belly was warm, subtly trembling against his._

_He couldn't decide if he wanted to calm down and back off or if he wanted to push himself to the limit then hurl himself over the edge._

_His body ached. His fingers itched. He was twitchy with want._

_The more basic instincts inside of him took hold. Together they silently yet unanimously decided it would feel much better to go over the edge, to go to the point of no return. The bliss there would be fleeting but it was still bliss and they both needed it desperately…_

_**FLASH** _

Just like beneath the Highwind, they'd never really talked about what happened again. They went on as if it hadn't happened at all. It was easier that way.

What had felt so wonderful in the moment somehow left him emptier and even guiltier once it was over. Why? Because he knew it wasn't fair to her. It wasn't what it was supposed to be. She deserved better.

Granted, both times they hadn't been in good places mentally or emotionally. Under the Highwind, they thought the world was ending and they were fresh out of the Lifestream, full of each other's thoughts, feelings and wants. And that night in that apartment in Midgar, the circumstances were similar but it was more about two hurt, sad, lost individuals seeking out solace in one another to help dissolve their abundant pain. They'd wanted to be free of the burden of sin and guilt. They'd wanted an escape, a way to get out of the snare that was their own minds. He'd wanted to recapture that feeling, that closeness, that heedlessness, the feeling of there being absolutely nothing else on the Planet but Tifa Lockhart. His darkness couldn't find him when he was wrapped in her arms and nestled comfortably between her legs with the very essence of her filling _everything_ inside and around him. There was room for nothing else and he'd liked that, abused it even.

Admittedly, his judgment had been impaired. They were in a _very_ vulnerable place and had needed each other in every way that someone could need another person. But once they got their footing, once they left Midgar and began building the new Seventh Heaven in Edge, their dynamic shifted. His guilt began catching up with him at a more rapid rate and once it caught up with him, everything began falling apart…

Eventually, he'd decided didn't want to be with her like that again until he was more worthy of her, until he knew he could really and truly be what she deserved. He didn't want to lead her on. And he wouldn't use her that way. He had enough to feel guilty about without feeling like he'd used her and abused her trust just so that he could find temporary peace by sating basic needs. He didn't need anything else to feel guilty about. It needed to _mean_ something. It didn't need to be an escape or a crutch or balm on a scathing wound…

Amidst all the rubble and destruction, his eyes found Tifa, smiling. She looked happy, probably because she _was_ happy. She'd seemed happy for a while now…and Cloud himself – despite all this Deepground stuff – was far from unhappy.

The brilliance of her smile was staggering and ushered forth an avalanche of thoughts and emotions.

They'd come such a long way but it occurred to him that he still felt unworthy of her. Just like that morning after in Midgar, he couldn't keep from thinking of how she deserved better, that he should be ashamed of forcing himself into every aspect of her life. She deserved better then and she deserved better now. But he was too much of a coward to let go. He was too selfish now to let go.

Despite everything, the thirteen-year-old optimist inside him refused to die. He insisted that somehow, in some way, he would magically become worthy. One day he would wake up with staggering clarity and would magically become what she deserved. He still had that absurd hope that he had a chance. He was improving daily. They were so close to being happy, _truly_ happy. Maybe he could finally be that better man he'd always wanted to be, the imaginary fellow who could be everything Tifa needed, who could give her everything that she deserved.

_Is it really possible? Could I really do it? Even if I could… What then? It would probably be too much for me…_

"Yo, Spikey!"

Barret's words vibrated through him, reminding him that this was neither the time nor the place for such thoughts. They would have to wait. Deepground was still running amuck and they still had reactors to take out. So he pushed it away. He tucked it back into the dark abscesses of his mind with everything else he wasn't able to handle, everything else that was too new and too foreign to grasp properly, everything he just didn't want to deal with, everything he _couldn't_ deal with. He put it in those dark corners telling himself it would be brought forth later when he was better equipped…and _not_ battling hoards of Deepground soldiers.


	18. Part XVIII

* * *

_It might be that to surrender to happiness was to accept defeat,_

_but it was a defeat better than many victories._

_—W. Somerset Maugham,_ _Of Human Bondage_

* * *

If Cloud were honest, he wasn't really sure what to make of Shelk. Any friend of Vincent or Reeve's was a friend of his but she was… _strange._ He had no right to talk though. He was arguably the strangest of the strange.

They'd met Shelk after the Deepground, Omega incident. She was apparently a former Tsviet who'd been a big help to Vincent and Reeve throughout the whole ordeal. Apparently, she'd taken a liking to Vincent, which would explain why she had lingered within their circle of friends after his disappearance. In fact, everyone had kind of lingered after his disappearance. But why wouldn't they? Vincent was a piece of their unorthodox family and this whole conflict with Deepground – while technically over – wouldn't _truly_ be over until they found him.

The whole situation was weird. Omega had been defeated thanks to Vincent. They'd saved the Planet…again. But there was no sign of Vincent. It looked like he'd been destroyed with Omega but they just couldn't believe he was gone. They refused to believe it. Or maybe they just couldn't accept it…

Cloud looked for him daily and every day when he came home, Yuffie was waiting for him, demanding to know if he'd found any sign of Vincent. Then, once Yuffie was done interrogating him, Shelk would commence her deadpan questions.

Yuffie's questions were redundant and asked in typical Yuffie fashion, which could be irksome at times but Cloud was used to Yuffie by now and had come to accept her for who she was. There was a strange charm to Yuffie in spite of her blunt, energetic nature that contrasted so sharply with his own. Talking to Shelk, however, was about as challenging as taking the stairs to the top floor of the old Shinra HQ.

His answers were always the same but he insisted they keep their spirits up. No one was giving up on Vincent. Somehow, he knew he was out there…somewhere. Perhaps he just didn't _want_ to be found.

He and Vincent probably had more in common than he cared to admit about. That would explain why they'd always had this weird, unspoken understanding of one another. However, that understanding made looking for him a little more difficult.

If Vincent didn't want to be found, then Cloud didn't want to be the one to haul him back. He knew what it was like to need to disappear and if Vincent needed time before returning to his harsh realities, he would give that to him no matter how much Yuffie or anyone else pestered him.

It was going on a week now and Cloud hadn't found (or heard) a thing. It was to the point that Cloud knew Vincent had probably either disintegrated with Omega or he didn't want to be found.

They'd searched Midgar as best they could, which wasn't saying much. There was so much rubble and debris and destruction that it would be impossible to search everywhere. But Cloud had this strange inkling from the start that Vincent wouldn't be in Midgar's ruins. The odds of finding him were slimmer and slimmer but he continued to look regardless, just in case.

His main hope now was that maybe Cid or Reeve and the WRO had gained some information or insight.

Dismounting Fenrir, Cloud saw Nanaki napping on the bar's front steps. Upon hearing the bike's engine die down, his golden eyes opened and a crooked grin spread across his face.

"Any luck?" Red XIII asked as Cloud climbed the steps.

"No." Cloud shook his head. "Who's here?"

"The usual."

Cloud ran a hand down his face and nodded his understanding.

He was starting to miss the days when he could come home and have some peace and quiet with just Tifa and the kids. He couldn't remember the last time they'd been alone together since the Deepground catastrophe started. Granted, he did enjoy seeing more of Yuffie and the others but those quiet evenings with Tifa and the kids were some of the few things in his life that he cherished the most.

As expected, once he entered the bar, Yuffie all but tackled him.

"Did you find anything?!" she cried, practically vibrating with poorly restrained enthusiasm.

"Not yet."

Yuffie gripped his arms, practically shaking him. "You just gotta find Vincent, Cloud! You gotta…"

The ninja had been calm initially. In fact, she'd been _very_ confident that Vincent was just being a _'pain in the ass'_ but as the days wore on and the likelihood of Vincent being dead increased, Yuffie became more frantic. Her annoyance with Vincent had officially turned into borderline distress.

His brow knitted as he tried to understand her urgency. They wanted to find Vincent too but Yuffie seemed…a little more anxious. He supposed that he hadn't noticed how close the two of them had become over the past few years. It was a peculiar friendship, a friendship that Cloud hadn't been expecting to develop as it had. After all, three years ago, Vincent hadn't really tried to hide his rather obvious indifference to Yuffie. He humored her like everyone else did when she became erratic...but Cloud would readily admit he hadn't been the most observant over the years.

"I'll find him."

"Promise?" Yuffie shoved her pinky into his face. "Pinky promise!"

Cloud wrinkled his nose at the strange offering. He didn't like making promises. He always felt like he couldn't keep them. But he still made this promise to Yuffie, anything to ease her mind, anything to make her feel better.

Sighing, Cloud held up his pinky and she took hold of it easily, greedily squeezing it tightly as if it would make the vow more effective.

Yuffie eventually released his finger but kept looking up at him expectantly. It was a look she used to give him three years ago. It was her way of telling him that she was nervous and wanted his reassurance.

Cloud never understood why all of them had such store in what he did and said.

" _Cloud Strife?"_

He'd know that robotic, monotonous tone anywhere. Shelk was the only person he knew that said an individual's first and last name every single time she addressed them.

Slowly he turned to address what was once a girl. Now he wasn't sure what she was. A woman trapped in a girl's body? The whole Tsviet training thing had impacted her age as Hojo's experiments had impacted Vincent's. She was much older than she appeared and he had to continually remind himself of this. He couldn't let her petite frame and short, bouncy, auburn hair fool him.

"Did you get any leads?" Shelk asked, her blue eyes shining.

He shook his head. "No. But I still haven't heard from Reeve or Cid yet."

"You aren't worried?" Shelk phrased it like a question but it sounded more like a statement. He always got the impression that she knew something he didn't. Something was always churning away inside her head but it was nothing she ever voiced to any of them.

"No."

It was always the same song and dance with Shelk. Their conversations never went anywhere and Cloud was running out of things to say to her but she always stood around staring at him like she was expecting him to say or do something else. This was nothing new. People were always expecting him to say more but it was different with Shelk. It was more awkward and uncomfortable. She hovered around them, listening, absorbing everything they said and once she got her fill – or perhaps once she realized what they said wasn't worth listening to – she would wander off to sit by herself.

Tifa and Marlene went out of their way to talk to her (something that often ended up in failure) but Cloud and Denzel were at a loss. So because Cloud didn't know how to deal with her, he chose not to and Denzel – who was equally at a loss – followed his lead.

"If he's out there, we'll find him," he added when Shelk and even Yuffie continued to stare at him expectantly.

"What if he isn't?" Yuffie reeled but Shelk looked resolved, assured, almost hopeful, as if she'd reached some absolution. It was probably not unlike the one Cloud had reached: that if Vincent was alive, he didn't want to be found - at least not yet.

"He is."

"How do you know?!" Yuffie argued, her brown eyes wild.

Cloud blinked. "I don't. It's just a gut feeling I have."

Yuffie huffed and slouched into a nearby seat, pouting. Or maybe she was worrying? Perhaps some combination of both? He wasn't sure.

"Why does he always have to be like this? Why can't he call or just come back like a normal person?" Yuffie folded her arms over her chest and glared out the front window. "What is it with you complicated types? Do you just _like_ making people worry?"

Cloud shrugged and scratched at the back of his head.

Having somewhat pacified Yuffie and Shelk for now, Cloud made his way to the bar. He sat next to a few of the lingering patrons and waited patiently for Tifa's acknowledgement.

Eventually, Tifa leaned across the bar toward him and politely yet playfully asked, "What can I get for you?"

"Something strong," he replied as he closed his eyes and massaged his temples. He was going to need it if he wanted to survive this new, hectic routine until they found Vincent.

* * *

Cid was still doing repairs on his new airship, The Shera, near Rocket Town. It had sustained some pretty substantial damage during the struggle with Deepground but it was nothing Cid couldn't handle.

Cid complained and cursed under his breath about the damage but Cloud could tell that he actually liked doing the repairs. And he knew for a fact that Cid just liked to complain. It was just a part of his character.

The Shera was his new pride and joy and he'd given Cloud a new tour every time he'd drop by to deliver some of the ship's new parts. Cloud had even brought Marlene and Denzel with him a few times. They loved the journey and loved the unique ship even more. They never got tired of seeing the massive machine even though it wasn't in flying condition again yet.

As Cloud climbed off Fenrir and made his way to the grounded airship, the WRO members buzzing around said ship smiled and waved at him. They were getting pretty use to his routine visits by now. They knew he was brining the parts needed for the airship's repairs. Cloud didn't mind the trip though. In fact, he kind of enjoyed Cid's company.

It wasn't until Cloud spent more time with Reeve, Cid, and Red that he realized just how much he'd missed them. It was nice being this connected to everyone again even if the circumstances were less than ideal.

"Still no sign of 'im?" Cid asked, his eyes not leaving the strange, smoking engine as Cloud entered The Shera's engine room.

"Not yet."

Cid snorted. "Bastard don't wanna be found."

Cloud sighed and folded his arms over his chest, his eyes focusing on the many winding cogs and steaming pipes that made up the engine room. It was a strange engine room, different than the Highwind's. This airship's engine room literally surrounded you with pipes, cogs, and wires, almost like the inside of some grand clock. They covered the walls, the ceiling and even the floor. The only thing separating you and said mechanisms was thick, seemingly unbreakable glass.

"He'll be in that cave," the pilot continued as he got back to his feet and tossed a strange tool back into his messy toolbox. "With his woman."

Cloud nodded, knowing Cid was right. They'd reached the same conclusion. Hell, he was pretty sure that the others and even Shelk had reached this conclusion. They just weren't blunt enough to say so, unlike Cid.

"If he's alive, he'll turn up there. Ain't no need in wastin' yer time anywhere else." Cid wandered to another section of the ship's gigantic engine.

"Have you checked the cave?" Cloud probed, one of his blonde brows inching up his forehead.

"Not recently. I went out there right afterwards but he wasn't there. That don't mean that he ain't there now though. Hell, that don't even mean that he hasn't been there for a while now." Cid kicked one of the engine's mechanisms until it reluctantly began coughing smoke and turning again.

Cloud still wasn't sure how to handle this. Cid was right about Vincent being with Lucrecia but he couldn't help feeling that going there would be…intrusive. When they'd gone there before, Vincent had been with them. That was his sanctuary, and the last thing Cloud wanted to do was violate that but they still needed to know that he was there, that he wasn't hurt, dead, or dying somewhere.

Cid pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and stuck it in the corner of his mouth. "Reeve and the WRO will keep searchin' around Midgar but I think we all know where he'll be when he does decide to show up. You know as well as I do that Vincent won't show up until he's good and damn ready to. I say leave the bastard be. The instant everyone stops makin' a fuss is when he'll come back. That's just how he is."

* * *

Just like Cid said, Vincent reappeared the instant they stopped looking in every nook and cranny for him.

Reeve, Cid, and Cloud had made the decision to stake out Lucrecia's cave as subtly as possible. The WRO surveyed the areas near North Corel, Costa del Sol and the cave itself. And like clockwork, there were reports of Vincent Valentine sightings in the area.

They already knew where he was headed.

Lucrecia's Cave… He was with Lucrecia. Perhaps to make amends or find some form of forgiveness.

Knowing exactly what that felt like, Cloud insisted that no one go into the cave to disturb him. When he was ready, he would come out but until then, no one needed to bother him. He needed closure, perhaps some absolution, maybe even something else but whatever it was, Cloud wanted to make sure that he got it because he'd been in a similar situation not too long ago.

When Vincent reappeared, when he finally left Lucrecia's Cave, Cloud was stunned by how much… _younger_ he'd looked. _Years_ had been taken off his face. That darkness that always hung so heavily around his piercing eyes was almost gone. His skin was no longer as sunken or pallid. It was astonishing.

There was more vitality to him now. As everyone swarmed him with greetings and questions, his voice was no longer quite as flat and listless. He smiled more and he almost laughed sometimes. Almost.

Cloud wondered if this was what he'd been like after the final struggle with Sephiroth and the remnants. He'd certainly felt different but was it that obvious to everyone else? Could it be seen behind his eyes? In his movements? In his voice? He doubted his change was as drastic given how Tifa had always described his eyes and his smile as _drowsy._

At first, he'd been offended by the description but she'd clearly meant it as a compliment. There was apparently a cloudy, mysterious glint in his eyes and smile, something dreamy and faraway, something Tifa described as drowsy. And she was probably right.

Just like after the incident with Geostigma and the Sephiroth remnants, once they were all together again, there was a renewed sense of togetherness and camaraderie. It was nice and as they sat around Seventh Heaven together, Cloud even felt as if Aerith was with them again, smiling and laughing with everyone.

The atmosphere wasn't as heavy between them as it used to be. There were still issues and there always would be but the need to walk on eggshells was gone. It made separating harder. After Meteor, when they'd separated, they'd almost been eager to get away from one another. The obligation they'd had to one another was gone and they were free to move on and try to pick up the pieces of their very separate lives. But now? Now things were better, brighter, and lighter and it was much easier to enjoy each other's company as they once had. The old sting, while still present, was much duller and much more bearable. The happiness being together brought now outweighed the pain.

When they finally went their separate ways again after finding Vincent, Yuffie wasn't the only one demanding visits and more communication between them. And this time, Cloud could tell that they weren't just trying to pacify Yuffie. In fact, Cid demanded that the men go out to a bar and get drinks _'just like back in the good ole days.'_

It took some maneuvering and some serious planning but the five of them managed to get a day and a time where they could meet up and have drinks together in a tiny pub in Kalm.

Cloud couldn't remember the last time he'd had drinks with Cid, Vincent, Reeve, and Barret but Cid had insisted (rather adamantly) and Cloud didn't see the harm in it. After all, they'd earned it. They were all in one piece and had somehow managed to save the Planet yet again.

"It's just like old times!" Cid bellowed once he finished laughing at one of Barret's latest North Corel stories.

Cloud agreed. It was just like _old times_. Barret, Cid, and Reeve did most of the talking while he and Vincent listened intently and gave subtle input now and then but even he and Vincent seemed a bit more talkative than normal.

"You can have another drink, Cid, but after that, I am cutting you off," Vincent declared softly.

"I second that," Cloud concurred. He could tell Cid was a few gulps away from becoming completely hammered.

Cloud didn't think Cid was an alcoholic. He didn't think he abused that much…anymore. However, Cid did probably like to drink more than any of them. He liked his liquor and after several nights at bars like this, Cloud had noticed that Cid had the tendency to drink as he listened to others talk. It was a habit. He probably didn't even notice that he did it but it did keep him from properly pacing himself.

Cid snorted at them before taking another healthy swig from his mug.

"What I wanna know is why none of us got an invitation to your wedding?" Barret slurred. He was not as drunk as Cid but he still had a pretty good buzz going.

"'Cause there was no wedding, dipshit. We didn't make a big stink out of it."

It wasn't uncommon for people to get married this way, especially after Meteor when everyone gained a different outlook on life. They would go to the courthouse, get the papers, make it legal, then maybe go off and have a brief honeymoon somewhere. Of course, places like Wutai stuck to their big traditional weddings but most of the poorer refuges from Midgar were content with obtaining their marriage license and getting a court to say they were man and wife.

"Congratulations, Cid" Reeve said sincerely as he placed a hand on Cid's shoulder.

"'Bout time." Barret smirked as he tried to wave down the bartender and order another round.

Cloud shifted uncomfortably on his stool and was pretty sure Vincent picked on his discomfort. He was giving him a subtle yet still notably concerned glance from the corner of his eye.

"Eh, I figure she's earned it," Cid continued.

Cloud didn't know much about women and engagement or even marriage but he was pretty sure that wasn't how it worked.

"Earned it?" Barret chortled. "What did the poor thing do to _earn_ you?

Cid looked over at him but Cloud intentionally looked away. He could feel where this was going…

"What about you? Have you grown a pair yet or are ya still waitin' for 'em to drop?" Cid stammered, his dilated eyes focusing on him.

Cloud kept his eyes low and took a small swig from his mug. He knew Cid wasn't trying to be cruel but it came off as cruel all the same.

"Cloud is still young. There is plenty of time for him to make that kind of decision. Besides, marriage is a big deal," Reeve replied coolly and calmly, holding his liquor with dignity. Cloud had seen Reeve borderline drunk before but he never lost his wits. He even drank like a gentleman.

"The _last_ thing Cloud and Tifa need to do right now is get married." Barret tossed back the last of his beer and slammed the empty mug on the counter. Cloud couldn't help but pick up on the protective, fatherly tone his voice had taken on.

"Maybe not now but she'll get to itchin' for it sooner or later," Cid continued with a crooked grin. "All women do. It's in their DNA. They start harpin' about commitment and all that shit. Then the ultimatums start." He inhaled more of his beer, the froth of the liquor clinging to the stubble on his upper lip.

Cloud's insides cringed. He knew even Tifa was capable of ultimatums...

_'Which is it? A memory or us?'_

"Then if you _still_ don't follow through, she'll start to resent ya until she can't stand the sight of ya. Somethin' as simple as breathin' and bein' in the same room with ya 'ill piss 'er off!" Cid teased and the other men chortled but some of what he was saying did strike an uncomfortable chord in Cloud.

Cloud snorted. "You make all this sound so…pleasant."

"You aren't doing a very good job selling the prospect of marriage," Vincent jeered.

"Hell, it ain't that bad. I wouldn't have bought that damn rock for her if I hadn't wanted to. She's worth it." Cid's crooked grin turned into a genuine, warm smile. It was funny how just talking about Shera buffed out some of Cid's rougher edges.

They continued to prattle on about married life and how it actually had been good to him as Cloud's posture drooped. He sank into the bar, suddenly wanting something stronger to drink. He would need it now that Cid had effectively gotten him to thinking about marriage, engagement, commitment, and all of the other insecurities he had with these topics. But he shouldn't be that surprised. Whenever Cid was drunk, he almost always did something like this to him.

_**FLASH** _

" _I'd give my left nut for a cigarette…" Cid groused, coughing and wiping away more of his profuse sweat. He was showing withdrawal symptoms again._

_Since Cid Highwind joined their party, cigarettes had been placed pretty high on their supply list. Every time they went to a shop or an inn, they would always stock up. Just in case the unthinkable happened._

_It had only needed to happen once for them to never want it to happen again._

_Without cigarettes, Cid Highwind became a spear-wielding nightmare. His worst personality traits seemed to amplify until there was nothing even remotely charming about him anymore. His profanity increased tenfold, he sweat like a woman in labor, and was all but worthless in battle. He would lose all ability to concentrate on anything other than how he might get his next cigarette._

_Whenever they went on these sometimes-lengthy journeys into the wilderness or some cave, there was always the risk of Cid running out of cigarettes._

_Cloud grabbed Tifa's shoulder, gently pulling her to him and whispering: "Please tell me you have an extra pack somewhere."_

_They specifically had been extra cautious when it came to Cid and his cigarettes. They stocked up as if they were chain smokers themselves so that when Cid went barking for cigarettes, they'd have them._

_Tifa began patting her sides and checking her pockets. "I don't think I—"_

" _Hey! What the hell are you two being so hush-hush about?!" Cid wailed, pointing his spear at them._

" _Nothing," Cloud mumbled as he stared down the pilot's weapon. Sometimes he seriously wondered if Cid would_ **literally** _kill for a cigarette._

" _I just wanted to make sure we didn't have some cigarettes somewhere," Tifa replied coolly with a warm smile, clearly hoping her good nature could diffuse the volatile situation._

" _Maybe you should use this opportunity to try to kick the habit for good?" Yuffie was probably just trying to help but Cloud knew there was no helping Cid when he was like this._

" _Them's fightin' words, girl." Cid cast his shifty glare to Yuffie._

_Tifa began sifting through their bag of supplies for anything that might sate Cid or at least get his mind off his unrivaled desire for nicotine._

" _Do we still have that thermos of whiskey?" she asked as she rapidly tossed supplies to the side._

" _I have no idea. Cid or Barret or maybe both could have easily taken it out a while back without either of us being any the wiser," he replied lowly. "You thinking about getting him drunk?"_

" _Do you have any other ideas?" Tifa countered without leaving the bag._

" _I'd prefer him sober…" Cloud honestly wanted Cid in his party. Cid was a critical part of their team and had become even more of an asset after Cloud's Mako poisoning. Cid's time as the party leader in Cloud's absence had sharpened his skills. As a result, Cloud was tempted to keep him close during more difficult tasks. It made managing their mob of misfits easier..._

" _He's worthless either way."_

_She was right so he nodded his consent._

_Thankfully, there was still a good amount of whiskey in the thermos and it was enough to pacify Cid. Normally, for all the obvious reasons, Cloud was against drinking while in the field but in this case, Cid was actually more helpful to the party buzzed._

_After a while, Cid started feeling_ **really** _good and began rambling about ship interior, Shera, and a nasty rash he had under his right cheek. And no. He didn't mean his face._

_It seemed like the day would never end. They couldn't get out of the Materia Cave and then they couldn't get back to civilization to buy more cigarettes. However, the sun was finally setting. Hopefully, they could get the tents up and Cid would pass out soon afterwards._

_Things were never that easy though._

_Cid threw an arm over Cloud's shoulders. "Women. Am I right?"_

_Cloud tensed and shrugged because he really had no idea what Cid was driving at. His main focus was setting up camp but with Cid this drunk it was hard to do anything productive. He had to be babysat and everyone was tired of babysitting him. Where the hell was Vincent when he needed him? He could usually handle Cid better than anyone…_

_Cloud glanced around the area for help but quickly saw that there was none. Everyone was either caught up in their own chores, intentionally avoiding eye contact with him, or off gathering firewood._

"' _Course I never had two after me at once," the pilot continued._

_Cloud's nose wrinkled at the smell on Cid's breath or perhaps the subject matter, but somehow he managed to continue sorting through the tent pieces._

" _Honestly, I don't think you're that good lookin'. Sure, you're kind of easy on the eyes but I don't think you're all they crack you up to be," Cid mused, getting closer to scrutinize Cloud's features._

" _Thanks, Cid," Cloud replied flatly, dripping sarcasm as he drove one of the tent's stakes into the ground._

" _You're lucky to have that one though," he said, suddenly serious and almost sober as he pointed to Tifa across the campsite. "It's pretty obvious she'd do just about anythin' for ya."_

_Cloud tensed and tried to pull away again but Cid was having none of it, at least not until he said all he wanted to say._

" _With Aerith, I think it was more about the chase. I'm not sure she'd have known what to do with ya if she'd actually got ya."_

" _I don't want to do this, Cid," Cloud warned tersely, the subject of her still too much for him to bear. His guard was going up and he felt things inside himself shutting down for self-preservation…_

" _No. You need to hear it! Don't be a coward! Man up, Strife!" Cid barked. "One day you'll thank me."_

_Cloud seriously doubted it._

_Cid wrapped an arm around his shoulders again and began poking his chest. "Aerith was a nice girl. She was a beautiful person inside and out, one of the few genuine people left on this Planet. She'll be missed and it's a goddamn shame she's gone. But you don't need to forget Tifa. Tifa puts more in you than she does herself. She'd sacrifice her own happiness for yours. I'll admit that I might be a little biased. Hell, I didn't get to know Aerith all that well. But it was pretty obvious that Tifa's feelings ran a bit deeper and so does her understanding of your crazy ass. She gets ya. And if Aerith had lived long enough for you two to become…a_ **thing** _or whatever, I guarantee ya even she'd be runnin' to Tifa askin' for advice on how to handle ya, on how to get in your head because everyone knows that no one understands ya like Tifa does."_

_Cloud nodded, knowing Cid wouldn't release him until he agreed but also because on some level, he knew Cid was right. Just how right he was, Cloud hadn't the faintest. Cid was nothing if not eccentric and right now, he was drunk…_

_Cid sobered and placed heavy hands on both of his shoulders. "Awe, hell… Don't look at me like that. I ain't sayin' this to hurt ya. I'm just tryin' to help. I know you're havin' a hard time and it's gonna get worse before it gets any better but it'll get better."_

_Cloud looked away._

" _But don't you dare use that as an excuse to take advantage of Tifa! Tifa's a good woman and she don't deserve that shit. Don't lead her on if you don't want her. Don't toy with her if there ain't no future there. Either shit or get off the pot!"_

_It was hard for Cloud not to scoff. Cid was talking about futures whenever Sephiroth was doing everything in his power to make sure there would be no future them and Cloud was honestly starting to think he'd get away with it. Cid was talking about choices he would probably never have, issues he'd never have the opportunity to confront. Their future was nothing if not uncertain. Nothing was promised. But even if it was, he couldn't make these kinds of decisions now…_

" _You're talking like we're gonna have a future," Cloud mused. "We haven't even defeated Sephiroth yet."_

" _Ha! Defeating Sephiroth won't make no difference! You could save the Planet five times over and still not deserve her!"_

_**FLASH** _

Cid probably hadn't meant it. Not to mention the fact that he'd been incoherent. It was probably just _man talk_ , drunken ramblings, or maybe even a joke he wasn't supposed to take to heart but that was exactly what he did.

How was Cid supposed to know he was poking a sensitive nerve? He had no way of knowing that the same thing had been implied and even flat out said multiple times throughout his childhood in Nibelhiem. Cid had no way of knowing that these things still bothered him to this very day, that they still haunted him and had a pretty significant impact on his thoughts and actions…

When Cloud crossed Seventh Heaven's threshold, he was still pretty buzzed. Their conversation at the bar and his memories had caused him to sober but he'd had another drink to compensate. Still, he wouldn't say he was drunk. He was just…un-sober.

After a night of drinking, most men came home belligerent, singing and rambling about things that could make sailors blush.

Cloud wasn't doing any of that. He was a little wobbly, a little buzzed.

Like always, Tifa had waited up for him. She was curled up in one of the booths nearest the entrance, sleeping peacefully.

Before lifting her and taking her back to bed with him, he knelt beside her and stared at her for a long-suffering moment, as if staring at her would help clear his head, as if looking at her could answer all his lingering questions.

His eyes wandered to her ring finger and he tried to imagine a ring there. It was a pretty easy task, surprisingly easy in fact.

He then looked down at his hand and tried to do the same thing. It was harder but once again, he found it could be done. But was it what he wanted...?

Not now but…maybe…someday.

Funny. He used to be too riddled with guilt to even _think_ about such things…but now...? He couldn't remember the last time the thought of getting married hadn't felt…trivial. Just being able to think about it without feeling nauseous was an improvement.

Sighing, he took her left hand and ran his thumb along the tops of her knuckles, specifically along her ring finger. He stroked it a moment longer before gently lifting her into his arms.

Tifa sighed contentedly as she almost always did anytime he got close to her. It made his heart swell every time she did it. It was always nice to feel wanted. It was even nicer knowing _she_ was the one who wanted _him_.

After successfully placing her under the blankets without waking her, Cloud got ready for bed and joined her without a second thought.

He was sleeping in his bed less and less. In that moment it dawned on him that he rarely slept in his bed at all anymore. At this rate, they'd have to explain the new sleeping arrangements to the kids soon. He was sure they'd already noticed. They weren't stupid and they'd have questions, questions he probably wouldn't be able to answer.

It also occurred to him that going back to his room didn't even cross his mind even though it was an available option. In fact, it would probably be easier to just go back to his room. It was less complicated, not nearly as messy. And it would require no explanation to the observant children in their home but his mind just hadn't gone there. He wanted to be here…with her. He preferred this to the ruthless, sleepless nights alone in a bed where Tifa wasn't there to comfort him.

Tifa knew his demons. She knew his insomnia and was equipped to handle it. Restful nights were always preferred but they didn't always happen. They were becoming fewer and farther between but bad nights did still plague him and when they did, he wanted to be near Tifa. It was an old habit but now, he wanted to be with her regardless. It was no longer just a matter of need. It was now a simple matter of want, something that had become ingrained in his subconscious, something as effortless as breathing.

Briefly, Cloud wondered if he should be concerned about all the issues this new sleeping arrangement could and would ultimately usher forth if it didn't change but he couldn't bring himself to worry about it. Maybe it was the alcohol lingering in his system but he couldn't keep from feeling like it would all work out, that it would be fine. It just felt… _right._

All strangely warm and fuzzy on the inside, (something that could again be a result of being buzzed) he pulled Tifa's back to his chest until she was completely flush against him.

She melted against him further as he fumbled with her shirt until he was able to flatten his hand against her bare stomach.

Once he had her where he wanted her and was surrounded by her smell, he closed his eyes and let sleep take him, somehow already knowing that his old nightmares and fears wouldn't be able to find him. Or perhaps it was something deeper? Maybe now he finally knew that even if they did find him, he would be okay. Maybe… Maybe he had finally accepted this part of his life for what it was and finally knew how to cope with it in a healthier way. Maybe…there was still hope for him after all.

 _Yeah. Maybe…_  


	19. Part XIX

* * *

_I must learn to be content with being happier than I deserve._

–  _Jane Austen_

* * *

Reverting. That was the word. The change occurring inside of him could only be referred to as reverting. As the days once again became weeks and weeks slowly became months, Cloud was reverting back to a state that he hardly remembered. It was like someone had pressed the rewind button and he was suddenly the boy who had called Tifa out to the well again, the shy boy who barely spoke, the boy who couldn't get into SOLDIER, the boy who wanted nothing more on the Planet than to gain Tifa's fleeting attention, to be worthy of it, worthy of her…

He found himself becoming more and more the old Cloud, the original Cloud, the Cloud free of Mako poisoning and Jenova cells.

It was a bit like slowly waking up after five years. It was also like reaching another level of awareness. Perhaps this newfound awareness was what was causing him to act like a thirteen year old again.

Granted, he wasn't exactly the same. There was much more depth to him now and all the damage that had been done to him over the last few years was definitely still there but he was finally starting to feel like… _himself._  Whoever that was...

Aside from the reverting, life had returned to their sad imitation of normalcy. The dust that stirred after the Deepground conflict had finally settled. Cloud began taking on regular deliveries again, they reopened the bar full time, and the kids started their schoolwork again.

"We're back!" Marlene announced as they crossed the threshold with sacks of food, drinks, and other random goodies.

Cloud and the kids had spent the morning at the market so Tifa could do some chores, sort through inventory, and work on the bar's paperwork and balance sheets. He could tell that she'd wanted some time by herself to get things done, so he'd offered to take the kids grocery shopping so she could do what she needed to do without them hindering her progress.

They'd bought more than they had needed to but Cloud had wanted to give Tifa as much time as possible and that meant keeping the kids busy with purchases.

When Tifa entered the bar to meet them, she was still in her usual  _I've-been-cleaning-your-mess-all-day_  attire. Her hair was in a loose ponytail and the white tank top she wore was covered in random spots and smudges.

"How did shopping go?" she asked as she started inspecting their haul.

"Fine." He pulled a piece of what appeared to be laundry fuzz out of her hair. "How did cleaning go?"

She giggled, her cheeks reddening a little as she tried to smooth her hair. It didn't work but it was still kind of cute.

After putting all the goods on the counter, the kids dispersed upstairs and Cloud and Tifa began putting all their purchases away.

Cloud was still pretty proud of himself for having mastered where everything was supposed to go. He now knew where the bread, milk, and canned goods were supposed to go. He could still remember a time when he didn't have any idea as to where anything was supposed to go and now he rarely had to ask Tifa for help at all.

" _Tifa!"_  Denzel called, his voice bouncing down the stairwell.

"One minute!" Tifa countered as she stood on her tiptoes and tried to stack several cans of food on a cabinet shelf at once.

" _Do you know where my blue shirt is?"_

"Hold on!" she cried as quickly moved to help Cloud put the remaining perishables into the fridge.

Denzel's footsteps echoed down the stairs. He'd apparently decided that yelling from upstairs wasn't as effective as yelling downstairs. It was funny how children's minds worked, how they thought a different approach would somehow produce a different answer.

"Mom!" he shouted as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

All the color drained from his face as he realized what he'd done. Cloud and Tifa both stood frozen in place and stared, awestruck.

Denzel's face grew beet red as he turned on his heel and darted back up the stairs, slamming the door to the room the instant he was inside.

Tifa leaned against the counter, her hand over her heart.

Marlene had accidentally called Tifa  _'Mom'_  before. It wasn't common but it wasn't necessarily uncommon either. She'd done so for years given how long Tifa had been in her life but Denzel, being the guarded child that he was, had never called Tifa anything other than her first name. Their relationship just didn't work that way, especially at the beginning. Yes, their dynamic had changed a lot over the past year but the change wasn't that obvious…until now.

"Should I…" Tifa paused, swallowing hard. "Should I talk to him?"

"It might be better if I did first."

Tifa nodded her agreement and tried to busy herself by putting away more of the groceries.

" _Cloud! Denzel won't let me in our room!"_

When Cloud reached the top of the stairs, Marlene was still banging on the door to their room and demanding Denzel let her in. However, her cries and persistence were getting her nowhere. The door remained shut and no reply came from the other side.

"Go downstairs for a minute, Marlene," Cloud said calmly as he approached her.

"What happened?" she asked, clearly confused.

"We'll talk about it later. Go help Tifa."

Concerned and curious, Marlene hesitated. Her eyes darted between Cloud and the door several times before she finally surrendered and hopped down the staircase.

Once Cloud was sure Marlene was out of earshot, he put his hand on the doorknob. "Denzel."

There was a prolonged silence before the slow pitter-patter of feet resonated on the other side of the door then, the door finally opened.

Denzel went back to his bed the instant the door was open, sitting on the edge of the mattress and avoiding eye contact.

Cloud sat on Marlene's bed across from him and didn't utter a word. If Denzel wanted to talk, he would. And if he didn't, that was okay too. He just wanted to be here in case he did, especially given how upset he seemed.

"I don't want to forget her," he whispered. "My mom…"

"We don't want you to forget her. No one is expecting you to replace her and Tifa definitely isn't trying to replace her."

"I just… I don't want to forget. I'm scared of forgetting. I don't want to forget how she smelled, what she looked like, how she sounded… It's already getting harder to remember certain things about her…and my dad too..." Denzel's posture drooped.

"Forgetting things is just a part of life. You're going to forget things as you get older. But you won't forget the important things. They'll stay with you." Cloud leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "I've forgotten a lot of things about my mother but I still remember how much she loved me, the things she cooked for me… And I'll never forget how much she meant to me even though she's gone."

"I just wish I had a picture or something…"

"Maybe you can keep a journal. Write down all the things you remember." Cloud made a mental note to maybe go back to where Denzel lived in Midgar. It was unlikely, but maybe they could find a picture or some kind of memento for him.

Denzel nodded. "I think I'd like that."

Silence.

"You know, caring about Tifa doesn't mean that you're betraying your mother. It's okay to think of her as a mom," Cloud said lowly.

"I know that…"

"And it's okay to be scared of forgetting." Cloud smirked. "It scares me too."

Denzel cracked a smile and Cloud was instantly relieved. That was all the assurance he needed to know that he'd said the right things and that he'd helped, even if it was only a little bit.

"The next time I take a day off, we can go somewhere and get you a journal. We'll go wherever you want," he continued.

"Anywhere?" Denzel smirked, his eyes mischievous.

Cloud chuckled. "I'd prefer somewhere  _not_  on the other side of the Planet."

Denzel's smile grew. "Deal."

* * *

When Cloud descended the stairs, Tifa was sitting at one of the nearby tables waiting for him with a cup of steaming coffee wrapped tightly in her hands.

"Is he okay?" she asked immediately, her eyes swirling with worry.

"Yeah." Cloud's eyes scanned the bar for their other child. "Where's Marlene?"

Tifa smirked. "The moogle girl from next door came over asking if she and Denzel could come hang out with her. I think she was kind of disappointed when I told her Denzel was with you but Marlene was still quick to take her up on her offer."

Cloud often wondered if they would ever stop calling her the  _moogle girl._  She had a name but in their minds, she would forever be the moogle girl that got taken by Kadaj along with Denzel and several other children in their neighborhood.

Tifa shifted in her seat. "How is he…?"

"He'll be fine," he insisted as he pulled a chair away from the table and took a seat across from her. "It wasn't so much about you as it was the idea of replacing his mother. He doesn't want to lose her. He said he was afraid of forgetting her. He said it was already getting harder to remember some things about her."

She sighed and stared deeply into her sugar-filled coffee. "I understand. More than he knows…"

Cloud nodded, knowing how much Tifa struggled after she lost her mother. In fact, she and Denzel were almost the same age when they lost their moms.

"When Mom died, you remember how hard that was for me. I missed her so much…" Tifa aimlessly stirred her small spoon around the coffee cup. "I'd go into her room and find some of her old clothes, looking for her smell. I'd get one of her sweaters or one of her shirts and take it to my room with me so I could smell it when I went to sleep or whenever I missed her. Then, after a while, they would start to smell like me and not her…so I'd have to go back to her closet or her drawer and find another."

Tifa took the spoon out of the cup and laid it on the table. "Dad wanted to get rid of her things. He hated having them in the house. It hurt him. He didn't like the reminders. I knew that but I begged him to let me keep her clothes and her old jewelry box. I wanted to hold onto as much of her as possible. Eventually, we reached a compromise and he let me have some of her favorite clothes. I kept as much as I could but it got harder and harder to find her smell. All of her clothes started to smell like me." She laughed a little but it was a sad yet wistful laugh. "After that, I would go out and buy all these soaps and perfumes, all the ones she used to buy and try to get her smell back into her clothes. But I never could… It was gone."

Cloud reached out, offering one of his hands to her in case she needed it. He wanted to comfort her and take her pain away like she had always taken his. He probably wasn't half as good at it as she was but he did his best.

"You know what the crazy thing is?" Tifa took hold of his fingers and her eyes locked onto his. "Sometimes, I still try to find that smell…and every now and then I can. It's never quite the same though."

It amazed him that after all this time there was still so much about Tifa that he didn't know. He cherished these fleeting moments when she opened up and bore her soul to him. They were happening more and more but they were still seldom. She was still wary of him. She was still afraid of what he might do or how he might take advantage of her openness.

This was one of those many moments where he wished he had a way with words. He wanted to tell her how he loved learning these things about her, as trivial they may seem on the surface. He loved discovering the new layers and seeing pieces of her that had been hidden from him. It made her more enduring and captivated him in new ways. Intrigued, he would eagerly wait for the next layer to be peeled back so he could learn more and once again remember what it was like to feel passionate about something. It always made him feel worthy, like he was the only person who got to see this particular side of her, like she only shared these things with him…

"You've never told me that before..."

Another sad smile bloomed across her face and she played with the hand he'd offered, effectively making her hands look small by comparison. "There are lots of things I've never been brave to tell you. A part of me is always worried you'll think it's silly or boring or stupid..."

"No. I like when you're like this," he whispered, his thumb running along the top of her hand.

She scoffed. "What? Sad?"

"No. Open."

Tifa looked taken aback, almost startled. She probably felt transparent, naked, and vulnerable, all the usual sensations that accompanied being open.

"You should tell Denzel that story. He would probably like talking to someone who's been in a similar situation," he continued, trying to take her mind off her presumed vulnerability.

Tifa shook her head. "I don't know. You know he prefers to talk to you about that kind of thing. And I don't want to make things worse."

"I think it would help. If he knew that you know what it's like to be afraid of forgetting your mom, it might make things easier. He should know that you understand."

"Yeah." She nodded. "You're right."

They sat there in contented silence as she continued to sip at her coffee. After a while, she rose to her feet and gave his hand a squeeze before releasing it.

Tifa stretched, running her arms through the length of her hair as she did so. "I guess I better start making lunch before the kids start complaining about how there isn't anything to eat even though we just restocked the shelves."

Cloud smirked, knowing she was right. Complaining about food and/or the lack thereof was one of their favorite pastimes.

"Do you have any requests?" she asked as she opened the cabinets and likely contemplated potential recipes in her head.

He shrugged a shoulder even though her back was facing him. "Nah."

Tifa began rummaging through the fridge, the cabinets, and the drawers, pulling out milk, pots, cans, and pans. At this point, he doubted if even she knew what she was making. She was probably making it up as she went.

There was nothing spectacular about it. It was a moment like any other moment. There had been a thousand others like it.

She was just making a meal, toying with various foods and cooking utensils. Her brow furrowed and her bottom lip stuck out a little like it always did whenever she was thinking or trying to figure something out. As she shifted some of the loose strands of her dark hair behind her ears and looked up to meet his relentless gaze, it hit him.

He loved her.

Cloud wouldn't even say that the realization  _hit_  him. It was something as simple and as normal as breathing and you don't really make a big deal out of breathing. It's just something you do subconsciously and that was how he loved Tifa. How long he had loved her in this manner, he didn't know.

Yes. He loved her. He had loved her for so long it had just been drowned out and put away… The sentiment had been dormant, frozen or tucked away with all the other things he had to sacrifice for one morbid reason or another but it had always been there, sleeping peacefully and contentedly deep inside his heart. And now that it was here, he didn't know what to do with it. It was like someone had given him a baby or a pet and he had no idea how to nourish it but he wanted to desperately.

Cloud sat there, dazed and bewildered and overcome by what he now knew that he felt.

"Cloud? Are you okay?" Tifa was looking at him bemused and slightly concerned as she tossed some butter into a frying pan.

"W-What?" He stammered. He just knew his eyes were as wide as saucers.

Her brow furrowed. "You okay? You look…unsettled..."

"Sorry. I-I'm…just…tired, I guess." He rubbed nervously at the back of his neck, suddenly unable to keep eye contact with her.

Now he really was reverting. Now he really was that thirteen year old who was so overcome by his feelings for her that he couldn't even look directly at her.

* * *

Cloud Strife had a predicament on his hands. His ' _realization'_  had effectively caused more problems than it solved. Now he had all these other issues he had to confront and figure out. Now he had to think about what expressing these feelings would do. It probably wouldn't change things that much. It would just make things more… _official_  and becoming official needed to be handled delicately. This didn't just impact them. This was bigger than them. They had the kids to consider.

Like always, Cloud found it was easier to not rock the boat. It would be easier to keep it to himself and keep things the way they were. They had their routine. They knew it. They had mastered it and had finally found happiness in it. But he couldn't change how he felt and how awkward and clumsy those feelings were making him. He constantly felt like he had this huge, glowing sign over his head that said: ' _I am in love with you!'_

That feeling wasn't new. He recognized it instantly. He felt this way every day in Nibelheim…

He didn't know what to do. He knew what he  _needed_ to do. He knew he had to man up and deal with it, confront it but that was daunting. And if he were honest with himself, he was afraid.

_Coward._

Cloud was seeing a pattern in his behavior. He always did this in one form or another. Even before his Mako poisoning, facing his emotions was hard. He could never tell Tifa how he felt. For one reason or another, he would just keep them to himself so they couldn't do any harm…

_**FLASH** _

_He counted the gil in his palm for what was probably the fifth or sixth time. He'd really been hoping that he would have gotten more for doing all those chores for the old widow who lived a few houses down but some gil was better than none he supposed._

_Out of nowhere, someone crashed into him. He started to snap at whoever it was until he realized_ **who** _it was and just like that, he was struck dumb._

**Tifa…**

_This was the closest he had ever been to her and he was holding his breath but he could still pick up the smell of heather and gardenias rolling off her skin and up into his nostrils._

_Her soft, warm fingers were curling against the curves of his bent elbows and her upper body was pressed to his. Then she looked up at him with those huge brown eyes and he realized he had been underestimating her beauty all this time. She was even more breathtaking up close and he wanted nothing more than to snatch her up and hold her in place so that he could drink in every inch of her and commit every single crease and contour of her face to memory just in case this was as close as he could ever get to her, just in case this was the only time in his life that he would ever be this close to Tifa Lockhart._

_There was a moment just like this one just before she fell off the cliff side on Mount Nibel where their eyes met and time groaned to a halt. What he could only describe as electricity surged between them and if he didn't know any better, he'd think that her breath had caught in her throat too…if only for a millisecond._

_There was something between them. He was sure of it. There was no denying it now. He felt it and this was the second time he'd felt it. It wasn't just him imagining it or a fluke. It was here and it was real._

_He couldn't read her expression though. It was a cross between surprise and something else…_

" _Oh! Sorry, Cloud!" she apologized as she used his arms to help her regain her balance. "Are you okay?"_

_She detached herself from him then, leaving him emptier then he ever thought he could be because he now knew what it felt like to be full._

" _Uh, yeah, I'm fine. It's…no problem." He tried to sound sure and confident but he was pretty sure it all came out shy anyway._

" _Good. I'm kinda in a hurry but I'll see you around! Sorry for crashing into you!" She beamed at him before making her way around him and disappearing into the town._

_His hand was lingering in the air, reaching out for her in vain. She was long gone._

" _You okay, Cloud?" the innkeeper asked as he lingered in the doorway of his establishment. "You look like you just lost your best friend."_

 _It felt like he'd lost the love of his life. Sure, he was only thirteen and he had no idea what love was but this hurt, this burn, this ache…it was all_ **very** _real._

" _Uh, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine," he murmured, his eyes not leaving Tifa and the trail she left behind her._

 _Cloud wanted to go after her, to offer to help her with whatever it was that she was doing just for the chance to spend more time with her, to actually get to know her, to_ **really** _know her in a way that could only be done through communication and physical interaction. He would never stand a chance if he continued to only admire her from afar._

_Steeling his resolve, he was two seconds from running after her and doing something careless and stupid when he saw Tifa's father towering behind him._

_Cloud instantly shrank about five sizes. Tifa's father was a large man with an even larger presence and the fact that this man hated him certainly didn't help things._

_How much had he seen? How much had he heard? Could he read minds?_

_His dark eyes, Tifa's eyes, darted between him and his daughter, likely doing the math and effectively searing into Cloud's soul and seeing his intentions and his wants. It was painfully obvious how badly he wanted to run after Tifa. Hell, it was probably apparent to everyone just how badly he wanted her in general._

_Stern, brown eyes narrowed at him. "Go home, Cloud."_

_Three words. He had uttered no more than three words but the way he said them said so much. His tone somehow managed to hold understanding, condescension, sympathy, and scorn._

_Cloud hesitated for a moment before surrendering and doing exactly what he asked._

_**FLASH** _

He'd backed away then and he felt himself backing away now. Back then, he convinced himself that he could come back and prove all of them wrong. He'd come back as someone her father would have approved of, someone he wouldn't tell to ' _Go home.'_

In his thirteen-year-old mind, that had seemed so simple, so easy. Like SOLDIER would magically fix everything. Like always, that thirteen-year-old optimist was still alive inside of his subconscious, crying that love and determination and conviction would somehow make him a less worthless piece of shit.

 _You can still become worthy of her!_ it cried.

The pessimist in him knew better. He knew that what they had now was pretty much all that he would ever be able to offer her.

 _You're too messed up. Too broken to offer her what she needs now,_ it insisted.  _You'll never be normal. You'll always suffer and she'll be the one who pays the price for it. You're too busy filling the gaping hole in your chest to even notice hers. And she is too distracted by how horrific yours is to notice that she is bleeding to death too._

She needed someone who would help her heal, who would hold her hand through the fire as she'd always held his. It was unfair that she was always taking care of him whenever he rarely if ever returned the favor. If anything, he'd made healing harder for her.

These were old thoughts, old emotions, and old fears. They were stale. He realized they were part of his vicious cycle. This was just what he did. These were his reactions, his responses for self-preservation and it was still hard to fight them, even without Geostigma or Mako poisoning messing with his judgment.

Happiness still felt wrong. It felt good but it felt wrong. He still struggled with it because he still felt he didn't deserve it. Not to mention that he was afraid of it. He was afraid of letting people in because if he did that, it would hurt like hell. Tender emotions had imploded inside him so many times that he had resolved to do away with them all together. He never wanted to open himself up again.

But happiness was here. Love was here. He had opened up at some point and Tifa and the kids had found their way into him through the little cracks in his walls and barriers. It was throbbing with life inside him and sometimes he felt like he was on the verge of self-destructing again and the worst part was that a part of him longed for it. Throw it all away before it can blow up in your face. Cloud could take no more pain. He was Humpty Dumpty on a ledge. If he fell and shattered one more time, no one would be able to put him back together again. Not even Tifa.

' _You throw happiness away with both hands…'_

' _I won't let you self-destruct again.'_

' _Too much hope is the opposite of despair…an overpowering love may consume you in the end.'_

' _You hate being alone, so let people in.'_

' _I think I knew from the moment she walked into my house with you and Aerith. And I think – I think Aerith knew it too in one form or another…that in the end, it would be Tifa.'_

' _You could save the Planet five times over and still not deserve her!'_

_'You turn your back on the present and live in the past because the light of the present is too much.'_

' _Go home, Cloud.'_

The chorus of voices from his memories grew louder inside his head, threatening to bust his eardrums from the inside out.

Feeling defeated, Cloud dug his elbows into his desk and buried his face in his hands.

The door to his office opened and Tifa entered with her arms full of the clothes he'd put in the dyer earlier that morning. She walked to his dresser and began yanking open drawers so she could put them away.

He'd taken the day off so he could spend more time with them and hopefully man up and settle some things but he'd ended up staying in his office all day going through bills and paperwork for his delivery service.

Tifa sighed and, rather forcefully, threw one of his folded shirts into a drawer. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong with you?"

Cloud jerked and spun around in his chair to face her, his eyes darting up to meet hers.

Did he look as crazy as he felt? He felt frazzled and unnerved and desperate. He wanted to walk up to her and drown himself in her. She always knew what he needed before he did. She understood the aches in his soul and had every scar in his heart committed to memory. She knew what pained him, what threatened to rip his very essence apart until there was nothing left of Cloud Strife but a sad shell of a man…

_She's the only one who knows how to make it all go away…_

Tifa was frustrated with his behavior and worried…but she had every right to be. Her feelings were more than justified. He had been nothing short of a madman this past week: hot and cold, calm and clumsy.

At a loss, Cloud shrugged and stared at the floorboards between his feet.

She sighed again and slammed the drawer closed before turning and leaning her back against the dresser itself. "You're distant. Talk to me."

He started to just say it. He started to blurt it out.  _I love you._ Surely that would make him feel better. Maybe purging himself of those three words and these feelings would help. Maybe then they would stop festering inside of him and making him sick.

"I… I'm not trying to be distant. It isn't intentional." He shook his head dejectedly.

Tifa folded her arms over her chest a moment, clearly contemplating something. She shifted her weight back and forth from one foot to another before she ultimately decided to cross the room and sit across from him on the edge of his bed.

Silence permeated the air between them but not in a good way.

"I can only get so close…" she whispered, her eyes distant...and somber.

"Huh?"

"I can only get so close to you before you shove me away again."

His heart plummeted. "No… I'm not… I'm not…"

She reached out, placed her hand on his cheek, and looked him directly in the eye, her gaze so deep he was sure no one had ever looked so far into him.

Tifa stroked his hair out of his face, caressing him in a way that could only be described as lovingly before whispering: "Why won't you ever let me all the way in?"

He frowned and a million little needles exploded inside his chest.

"You're in…" he mumbled, closing his eyes and leaning into her touch.

"What?" Tifa recoiled her hand drifting away.

"I'm distant because I'm afraid…and I'm afraid…because I've let you in…" His eyes slowly reopened and mated with hers.

She looked shocked but she also looked pleasantly surprised. Maybe even relieved?

"And I'm…scared of what might happen now that things are kind of… _different_ …between us," he confessed, his words stubborn and reluctant.

Tifa nodded slowly. "I get it. Trust me. I get it."

"I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry there's always something wrong with me and that I'm always making you miserable."

"Miserable? Cloud, I'm happy," she said with a genuine smile that reflected that what she said was indeed true. She _was_  happy.

Cloud's throat threatened to swell shut and his voice hitched in his throat. "But you shouldn't be…"

She deserved better,  _so_  much better. He hated that he had cursed her with this mediocre life with him. He loved her and because he loved her he wanted what was best for her. He was also smart enough to know that what was best for her wasn't him.

"But I am," she insisted. She took his face in both of her hands and rubbed her thumbs along his cheekbones. "Aren't you?"

Of course he was happy. Things were going well with his business. The kids were happy and healthy. He was healthy and he and Tifa were in a good place. A great place, actually but…

Scared. He was scared and he yet again felt unworthy of everything he had. He didn't deserve any of it. He was scared but he hated being alone but he also hated letting people in. He was such a contradiction. Why couldn't things be simple?

"That's what I thought," she said in a knowing tone when she had read the softness in his features and the words lingering in his prolonged silence. She knew he was happy in his own pathetic way.

"Why?" he asked, shaking his head. "Don't you see that your life would be so much better for you if you were with… _anyone_ else?"

She laughed. "Maybe…but I don't want anyone else."

Cloud leapt from his chair and knelt in front of her, grabbing her shoulders, his eyes burning. "Why not…?"

Her face turned bright red. "You know why…"

_'You know why...'_

Love. That stupidly fickle and manipulative emotion…it was the source of all of this. She couldn't let him go because she loved him. Tifa was smart. She undoubtedly knew he was a poor choice but everything seemed to be conspiring against their making wiser choices. Fate, destiny, love, whatever you want to call it, it had all conspired against them to be anything other than anchored together…

"You deserve better."

"It doesn't matter." Tifa chuckled nervously, her eyes beseeching.

"It should." He rose to his feet, tugging at his hair as he began pacing his room.

"Cloud…" He could feel her reaching out to him again and he felt himself shutting down. The black spot in his brain was spreading and the fog was seeping out of it. "Cloud. It's okay."

"It's not. It's not okay…" Cloud shook his head.

"Listen to me!" She grabbed his face, not taking  _no_  for an answer and forced him to look at her, his eyes wild and wide. "It's okay, Cloud. It's okay if you're happy. It's okay to care about things. It's okay to move on. It's okay to cherish things, remember? You said so yourself. It's even okay to be scared. You've rejected this kind of thing for so long that you don't know how to accept it. There will probably always be days when you'll hate yourself for experiencing genuine happiness but it doesn't change how you feel and it doesn't make you a horrible person and it doesn't mean that you didn't love Zack and Aerith."

His eyes were burning and he was looking through her but everything she said hit home and it hit home _hard._

"You've stopped running. Now I need you to stop fighting. Okay? Stop fighting me, Cloud." Tifa pressed her forehead to his, their noses and lips brushing, the cool tingle of her breath gliding along his face with every gentle word she uttered.

He fell to his knees, buried his face in her stomach, and a wet heat began making its way down his cheek.

_Am I...crying...?_

It burned. It hurt. He hated it. He hated this feeling but the more hot tears flowed from his eyes, the better he felt. Everything that had been piling up over the years began steadily pouring out of him.

"It's okay," she hummed, running her fingers through his hair, her own voice breaking a little. "It's okay…"

Tifa sat on the edge of his bed and he followed her down, his head refusing to leave her lap as he crumbled to the floor. Cloud took fistfuls of the cloth covering her hips in his hands, squeezing so hard he wouldn't have been surprised if the fabric tore.

She allowed him to cling to her, running her fingers through his hair and chanting  _'it's okay'_  like mantra and every time she purred those simple words to him, he felt calmer. He felt more and more inclined to believe them. She wasn't just saying it to make him feel better. She meant it. She believed it, so he did too.

Oddly enough, literally crying in her lap wasn't humiliating. It felt...necessary. Despite everything that had happened, he hadn't cried in over four years. He hadn't shed a tear since Aerith fell limp in his arms. He felt the pain but it had become so dulled and constant that it didn't pain him enough to actually cry. But the ice he'd packed around his heart for self-preservation, for his sanity…it was thawing now and spilling from his eyes.

Pathetic? Yes. Could it be stopped? No. His body had betrayed him and he'd been reduced to a crippled mass of splintered emotions. He didn't even understand  _why_  he was crying. There were so many possibilities... Maybe he didn't need a reason other than he'd been holding _so_  much in for almost five years now and this was the only way to somewhat cleanse himself of it all. Perhaps this was necessary to keep him from going completely mad. He didn't know but he did know that ever since that first tear fell from his eye, he'd felt significantly less crazy. The unbearable pressure in him was reduced, not gone but not nearly as intense.

It didn't last long and he didn't make a sound but he kept his head in Tifa's lap. His grip on her loosened as he turned into a warm, burning mush.

Her hands stayed in his hair, along his face, down his jaw and the length of his neck. She wiped the damp spot on his exposed cheek with her thumb before caressing the entire side of his face.

That warm, full feeling was back. That tingly yet extremely satisfying sensation was back in his sternum, deep in his belly that he now knew to be love hummed inside him contentedly with every stroke of her fingers.

Was this what all the fuss was about? Was this what love was  _supposed_  to feel like? If so, it wasn't so bad. In spite of the persistent stinging in his eyes, this was kind of…nice. He was still a bit apprehensive but he resolved to do as Tifa had asked.

 _No more running. No more fighting. No more resisting. I'll let you in…all the way this time. I doubt I'll ever_ **truly** _deserve you…but doing as you ask, giving you what you want… It's the least I can do… I owe you that much. Then, maybe you can trust me enough so that you can finally do the same…_


	20. Part XX

* * *

_Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone,_

_and do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come._

_Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering._

_\- Ida Scott Taylor_

* * *

It was loud here, too loud for Cloud.

They were at the old Wutai bar/restaurant for Yuffie's birthday and it was crowded and loud. Very. Very. Loud.

"Can we leave yet?" he asked over the blaring noise.

Tifa took a tiny sip of her saké. "We just got here!"

Cloud eyed her small, white cup. "I thought you hated saké."

She frowned. "I do…but I don't wanna be rude. I thought Yuffie's dad and the Wuseng might be insulted if I'd refused…"

Like him, Tifa wasn't much of a drinker. And even when she did drink, she didn't like hard liquor. She couldn't drink it without cringing, sticking her tongue out, and shuddering.

The theme of the birthday party was unclear. The word _chaos_  came to mind but he supposed the theme didn't really matter. The whole gang was here to celebrate Yuffie's birthday. Well, their gang plus the entire population of Wutai could be accounted for. Even Reeve was here, along with the latest Cait Sith prototype.

Cloud probably could have done without the latter.

He was uncomfortable in this kind of setting but the kids were having a blast. They were loving all the deadly weaponry and the spicy Wutai food. And Yuffie's father and the Wusheng were loving all the attention they were getting from the kids. They showed off all of their famous weapons and their deadliest moves with thinly veiled pride.

As everyone continued to socialize and eat the food and entrées that were continuously brought out to them, Yuffie began opening presents.

Most of said presents included weapons and other various assortments of ninja equipment. Her father even gave her some fancy family heirloom. It must have held some significance because Yuffie appeared to be moved by the gift.

Their gift for Yuffie was much simpler. Marlene and Tifa made her a homemade card and Cloud got her some Materia he found on some of his recent deliveries. He and Denzel may have even done some extra searching in a nearby Materia cave…but Yuffie didn't need to know that.

"No one celebrates like Wutai!" Cid bellowed as he drank another shot of saké.

"That's an understatement," Tifa concurred as she eyed the mountain of food and empty drink glasses on their table.

"You two better be careful," Barret heeded, bobbing his head towards Marlene and Denzel who were much closer to Yuffie and the heart of the party. "Those two will probably want to be full-time ninjas if we stay here too long."

Tifa sighed. "Yuffie has already been teaching them ' _stealth._ '"

Cloud scoffed. "She's been teaching them how to steal."

Cid bellowed but Vincent and Reeve tried not to laugh too much.

"In all seriousness, she's good with them. She's kind of like an aunt or a big sister. They adore her," Tifa added and no one could argue with that. At the end of the day, they couldn't really say anything bad about Yuffie.

Yuffie opened gift after gift and once she was finally finished, they were gorged with even more food. Cloud didn't think he'd ever been to a party with so many courses. He was relieved when they finally passed out what appeared to be dessert. It was a giant, three-tiered cake and hopefully, the final course.

Cloud leaned towards Tifa. "Did you ever have any big birthday parties? You know, before I came back?"

Recently, Cloud found himself more intrigued by what he referred to as _'the lost years.'_ These were the years after the Nibelheim Incident but before he returned to Midgar. He steadily became more and more curious about what Tifa did during this time. He wanted to fill in the gaps.

"Yeah but nothing like this." Tifa shrugged. "When Marlene was  _really_ little and I was with Barret and her a lot, you know helping out, Barret would always get me ice cream. He tried to make me a cake once but that was disastrous so he ended up buying ice cream instead. After that, it kind of became a tradition. In fact, he still buys me ice cream on my birthday."

Cloud was mildly envious of the fact they had a birthday tradition together because it was something they lacked. It was yet another aspect of her life that he failed to pay the proper amount of attention to.

"One year he tried to talk me into having a party at the old Seventh Heaven but Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge were kind of the only friends I had that were close to my age so it was far from the big party Barret was hoping for," she continued, her tone wistful and somber. "What about you?"

"I remember the last one I had with my mom and I also remember the last one I had while I was at Shinra. That one was pretty uneventful though. No one even knew it was my birthday. I got a letter from my mom though. But when I was still living with her, she'd always make cakes for me."

"What kind did she make?"

"Just a plain pound cake."

"What're you two whisperin' 'bout?" Barret barked, pointing a fork at them, his hand so large that the fork looked more like a toothpick.

"Birthdays," Tifa replied matter-of-factly.

Barret, Cid, and Reeve exchanged quiet, knowing glances.

"What?" Cloud reeled.

"Nothing." Barret chuckled and tossed back more saké. "You two 're just in your own little world."

Cloud started to ask what he meant by that but the crowd grew loud again. They were cheering for something (he didn't know what) and he knew that even if he did ask Barret to elaborate, he'd never be able to hear him.

The waiters and waitresses kept refilling Tifa's glass and she kept frowning once they turned their back but she continued to take sips of the drink she detested.

"You know, you could just tell them  _no_ ," he said as he poured some of her drink into his glass so she wouldn't have to drink it.

"It's kind of hard to. I don't want to be rude…" Tifa shuddered as the drink wriggled into her belly. It settled and when it did, she stuck her tongue out and whispered something along the lines of: _'bleh!'_

Cloud shook his head and snickered.

As the party continued to move along, it was becoming clear that Yuffie was growing up. She was no longer the little girl who stole from them every chance she got. She'd matured in her own unique way. Granted, she was still Yuffie but she looked more like a young woman than the teen that he found in the woods near Fort Condor. She even had friends in Wutai, friends who surrounded her now. Cloud and the others were no longer her only circle of friends.

The thought of her outgrowing them stung a little but it also made him happy to see her…well, normal. She was talking to other kids (even girls) her age and there was even a boy here who he was pretty sure had a crush on her. In a way, this was what he'd always wanted for Yuffie. He'd wanted her to find peace and pride in her homeland again.

Cloud was beaming with pride like a goofy older brother who knew their little sister was going to grow up and be fine as he fought his way through the crowd to approach her. He'd waited as long as he could, hoping the crowd would diminish but since that obviously wasn't going to happen any time soon, he decided to dive in and get it over with.

"Thanks for the Materia, you goof," Yuffie teased as she hugged him.

Cloud chuckled and reciprocated the gesture.

Funny. Now he could return hugs to almost anyone without cringing. He'd changed…a lot over the past few years. But the change was for the better. He was happier with who he was now…whoever that was.

"You're welcome." He patted her back. "I figured I could contribute to the  _Yuffie Materia Recovery Foundation_. I almost put Whiskey in a box and gave it to you but I figured you'd like Materia more. And when I say _whiskey_ , I mean the cat…not the liquor."

Yuffie laughed. "I know what you meant but I hate to break it to you, you're never getting rid of that cat. He'll outlive us all."

Cloud grimaced but didn't argue because he knew she was right.

Yuffie pulled away and smiled a moment before eyeing him cynically. "What's your deal?"

"What do you mean…?"

The ninja's eyes narrowed at him. "I don't know. You're actually making jokes and you look…healthy. It's almost like you're glowing. You pregnant or something?"

If Cloud's jaw were capable of dislocating, he was pretty sure it would have.

"No. I'm just…happy, I guess." He scratched at the back of his neck.

She smiled. "Good. You deserve to be happy."

"So do you."

Her smile managed to grow and he could tell that she was happy. Just like with Tifa, there was a strange sense of satisfaction that came with knowing she was happy. He kept finding happiness in others, in those who meant the most to him and he realized these relationships would be what would truly mend his brokenness.

Cloud's eyes subconsciously scanned the crowd for the kids. It was something he just did now. He supposed it was a parenting thing. You just make a habit out of keeping tabs on them. Eventually, he found them with Shelk and Red XIII who had gathered around Cait Sith. In fact, a rather large group of people had gathered around the prototype.

"He's telling fortunes again." Yuffie chuckled with a slight roll of her eyes.

He started to warn against it. He started to say that it was a bad idea and that most of the time Cait Sith was inaccurate. Sometimes painfully so…but the kids seemed to be having fun. It was harmless fun. Probably.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Cloud began walking back towards the table he'd left Tifa and the others at.

"Aren't you going to get in line to get your fortune read?" Yuffie teased.

"No. I've had enough of his fortunes for one lifetime." His tone was a bit darker and terser than he meant it to be but he couldn't help it.

When Cloud got back to their designated table, Tifa was drunker than he recalled her being before he left to talk to Yuffie.

"How much have you had to drink?" he asked as he took the small (and empty) glass away from her.

"Enough?" she asked, her face red and flushed. She wasn't drunk. Buzzed maybe? She was somewhere between sober and buzzed.

Shaking his head, he chuckled. "Then you probably shouldn't have any more."

Tifa's nose wrinkled at the glass. "I didn't want any to begin with."

 _Yet you keep drinking it,_ he mused with a smirk.

Her eyes danced around the room. "Where are the kids? We should probably get going soon if we want to get home at a decent hour."

"They're getting their fortune read."

Tifa scoffed. "Well, I hope they get a better reading than you did." She paled almost two shades. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That's the saké talking."

Cloud sat down next to her. "Still. You aren't wrong."

Tifa went from looking lazily buzzed to downright uncomfortable. She was tense, avoiding eye contact, playing with her piece of cake with a pair of chopsticks instead of eating it. She looked a few seconds away from leaving the room.

To his surprise, she didn't get up though. She continued talking to him and the others but she seemed a million miles away in her head. He wanted to crack it open and see what was going on inside…

Tifa still did this from time to time. Like a switch had been flipped, she'd go from light to heavy. And when she got heavy, she'd recede into her own head where she'd dwell on whatever it was that was bothering her until she got sick or depressed. Sometimes both.

He knew this about her because it was something else they had in common. He did the same thing.

Just as Cloud was about to break the somewhat uncomfortable silence and ask her what was wrong, Reeve returned to their table and began looking at them expectantly. He placed his hands on the table before lacing his fingers together on the smooth, clothed surface. He looked like he was either about to interview them for a position with the WRO or fire them.

"Cait Sith just finished reading your children's fortunes," he finally said.

"Are they pacified?" Tifa asked, her full lips curling upward faintly.

"Yes, but I thought you'd want to know one of the things they asked him," Reeve continued, his demeanor remaining oddly professional.

Tifa and Cloud exchanged curious glances.

"They –specifically Marlene – asked me about your future, together."

Tifa somehow became even more uncomfortable.

"What did you… _he…_ tell them?" Cloud asked, desperate to keep this conversation moving forward so it would end. It was awkward remembering what Reeve/Cait Sith had predicted about Aerith and him in front of Tifa in the Temple of the Ancients and that was no doubt what was upsetting her. That prediction hadn't been subtle and undoubtedly stirred old feelings she had about being forever second best. And the saké probably wasn't helping.

"He said…that you were very compatible, that you have a good chance at a successful relationship together because of your extreme loyalty to one another. You have similar desires and can meet each other's needs quite well. He also told them to expect change. These changes will perplex some and seem strange but it is a good thing. However, your stubborn nature will sometimes cause problems. Compromise is needed. Regardless, there are many positive changes in store but they will require adjustments on your part if they are to truly take place."

"Sounds like he's still full of shit," Cloud teased as Tifa stifled laughter behind her hand.

Reeved chuckled too. "Probably but the main point is, those two are interested in your relationship or rather, the lack thereof."

Cloud's eyes went to the kids across the restaurant. He knew they were invested in what they did or didn't do. He knew it had an impact but he always failed to grasp just how much of an impact they really had on them.

Marlene had always been rooting for them and Denzel usually seemed indifferent but even he showed interest from time to time. There had been multiple instances where they expressed that they didn't want them to see other people. They already associated them together even though they weren't technically together. And there was no doubt that their rough patch before Sephiroth and the remnants returned probably felt like a separation before a divorce…

They needed to be a good example for them. The kids deserved a more stable home. But at the same time, they couldn't force a relationship for the kids' sake. That would doom them from the start. But there was clearly an impact no matter what they chose to do. If they weren't together, the kids would notice. If they were together, the kids would notice…

The kids were asking about their future, so they clearly wanted them out of limbo but he didn't know if they really knew what they would be getting into. Yes, Cloud felt he was finally in a place where he could _attempt_  to have a relationship with Tifa, a  _real_  relationship but he didn't know if  _any_ of them  _really_ knew what they were asking for. Reality probably wouldn't meet expectation.

Still, he wanted to try. There was no harm in trying, right? And if it didn't work out…he would have peace of mind knowing that he'd tried.

"He has a very articulate way of making you feel young and stupid." Tifa chuckled dryly as she began picking at her cake again. "Do you ever feel like we are kids raising kids?"

He reclined into the chair and folded his arms over his chest. "All the time."

* * *

As soon as they crossed Seventh Heaven's threshold, Tifa went right for the sink and poured herself a giant glass of water. Clearly, she wanted to try to purge herself of all the saké she'd been pressured into drinking.

The kids were still hyped up from the party. They were running on adrenaline and sugar and ninjas. It was already past their bedtime but there would probably be no getting them to sleep any time soon, so Cloud didn't fight it and neither did Tifa.

After drinking a substantial amount of water, Tifa collapsed onto a couch with a plate of leftover birthday cake and yet another giant glass of water. However, Tifa didn't get to enjoy it for long. The instant she sat down the kids swarmed her.

"I want a piece!" Marlene cried, hoping into the empty spot next to Tifa.

"Me too," Denzel added as he leaned over the arm of the couch.

Tifa glared at them, sighed heavily, and tossed her fork onto her plate.

"I'll get them some." Cloud intervened.

"Thank you," Tifa called as he went further into the bar to get more of the leftover cake Yuffie forced them to take. "And make sure to get them a small piece!"

He did as instructed and got each of them small slivers of cake.

Knowing this would pacify them for a while, Cloud sat down next to Tifa and draped his arm over the back of the couch behind her.

Tifa leaned into him, her back connecting with his chest as she continued to drink water and munch on cake. She was slouching lazily against him and the couch causing her to get crumbs on her pretty white blouse and small, red shorts. However, she was either too tired or buzzed to care.

"Want some?" she asked as she pushed her fork towards his face.

Cloud leaned forward to grab the bite with his teeth but she shoved it up his nose before he got the chance.

He snorted with surprise and poorly concealed laughter.

Tifa was laughing heartily and the kids looked shocked that she would do such a thing to him. Or maybe they were shocked that he didn't seem to care and that he was laughing with her?

While Tifa continued to giggle like a tipsy teenager, Cloud grabbed a glob of icing off her piece cake.

Her laugher stopped abruptly as she tried to get up. "No!"

There was no getting away now. He grabbed her by her shoulders, forced her to the couch, and held her in place until he successfully smeared the icing across her face.

He could feel her muffled laughter against his hands as he continued to make sure he got as much icing on as much of her face as possible.

At some point, she quit fighting him and just lied limp against his chest, waiting for him to finish.

When he took his hands away, he realized he was chuckling now too. He was even grinning ear to ear like a jackass.

Marlene was laughing so hard she couldn't finish her cake and Denzel was looking on with a combination of shock and blatant amusement.

For a while, Tifa just sat there against him with cake on her face, likely deliberating on whether or not she wanted to retaliate.

She wiped the icing from her face and abruptly turned in an attempt to wipe what she gathered on him again.

Tifa got three fingertips on his face but Cloud managed to stop her by grabbing her wrists, pushing her onto the couch, and pinning her to her back.

The next few moments consisted of them wrestling pathetically on the couch and laughing like morons as Tifa continued to try in vain to get more icing onto his face.

Realizing she was getting nowhere fast, Tifa called for reinforcements. "Marlene! Denzel! Help!"

As if she were simply waiting for her cue, Marlene leapt from the bar stool and climbed onto Cloud's back. However, it made little to no difference. Cloud still had the upper hand. Tifa was pinned beneath him and not going anywhere despite how much Marlene was cutting off his airway. And he was relatively confident that Denzel wouldn't betray him.

Eventually, Cloud flipped Marlene over his shoulder onto Tifa and put icing on her too.

Marlene was squealing and trying desperately to get away. "No! I'm sorry, Cloud! I'm sorry!"

The next thing he knew, it was Denzel and him versus Tifa and Marlene. Or at least that was what he thought was happening. It could have just been everyone versus everyone because he wasn't really paying attention to who was trying to put icing on whom anymore. It was officially a free-for-all and it was every man for himself.

"Truce!" Tifa surrendered as her arms and legs went limp. "Truce."

The kids were still laughing while covered in cake and icing but they honored the truce.

It wasn't until he started pulling away that he realized how close he'd gotten to Tifa and how he'd managed to wedge himself between her legs. Before he could pull away completely, he couldn't keep his eyes from raking over her. She was on her back with her arms limp over her head, her blouse askew, revealing her belly button and patches of her chest. Her hair was messy too and sticking to the icing on her face. Last but certainly not least were those long creamy legs of hers that he just happened to be nestled between.

Tifa's legs were arguably one of her best features – at least to him they were. But that could probably be linked to the fact that those legs were one of the first things he really noticed as a pubescent boy. They were the first thing that caught his attention in a more sexual way…

They had a history. He'd been between her legs before. Granted, it was another lifetime ago but when you've been that close to someone, it is hard not to keep that association. He couldn't keep his mind from going to those places because he'd been there in the past. Plus, things were different between them now, making that association even easier and making it even more tempting to sift through old memories of other times she'd been vulnerable beneath and around him.

Before things could get weird or awkward, he let her up even though he really didn't want to.

* * *

Once they were sure the kids were finally asleep, Tifa went straight to her room to get ready for bed and when he went in to check on her, she'd fallen asleep on top of the covers.

She'd taken her shirt off but somewhere between removing her shorts and folding her shirt, she'd lied down to probably ' _just rest her eyes for a minute'_. Obviously, that had been a mistake because she passed out shortly after.

Smirking, Cloud walked over to her and pulled her the covers of her back. He prepped the bed as best he could with her on it. After that, he eased her already unbuttoned shorts the rest of the way off and tried really,  _really_ hard to keep his mind out of the gutter.

Once Tifa was out of her nice clothes and left in nothing but her underwear (he didn't know what do about pajamas but he figured underwear would suffice), he eased her into her bed and tucked her in.

He kissed the corner of her mouth and brushed her hair off her face before grabbing her clothes and gently shutting the door behind him.

He dropped her clothes off in the laundry room and went to his bed. Tifa was sleeping so soundly he didn't want to bother her by climbing into bed with her.

* * *

Cloud had no idea what time it was when he woke to the sensation of Tifa crawling into bed with him.

However, crawling into bed with him might be an understatement. Tifa literally crawled  _on top of him_  in nothing but a t-shirt and lacy underwear. She straddled his hips and settled on top of him, her head nestled under his chin.

Cloud had no problem with this but he almost busted a molar trying to keep his body from reacting to the scantily clad girl wriggling on top of him. He was doing everything he could think of to keep his body from betraying him.

In the end, he went with Barret in a tiny, pink bikini. That seemed to do the trick.

He held his head back and ran his hands up and down the length of her back, sometimes venturing beneath her shirt in search of bare skin.

She shuddered and goosebumps cloaked her hide.

"Cloud…" she whispered, almost moaned.

"Hmm?" he responded without opening his eyes.

_Barret in a bikini... Barret in a bikini…_

"Nothing." She shook her head, her face grazing along his neck. "You just feel good."

It was enough to break him but somehow he kept his wits without shoving Tifa to her back and taking advantage of her.

Tifa was always like this whenever she was deliriously tired or buzzed. She would always say random, innocent yet sometimes suggestive things to him.

_**FLASH** _

_Tifa had been sniffling and sneezing all day. He'd ignored it as long as he could. Now he was getting concerned._

_When she sneezed again, he finally had to say something._

_He stopped so abruptly she almost crashed into him. "You okay?"_

" _What? Yeah. I'm fine. I'm sure it's just a case of the sniffles. I'll be fine by tomorrow." Tifa pinched the bridge of her nose._

" _You can't get sick, Tifa," he said, as if that would stop her from getting sick…or_ **sicker**.

" _Pretty sure she can…" Yuffie mused in a singsong tone._

_Cloud narrowed his eyes at her. "I wasn't asking you."_

" _I'm fine, you guys! Really!" Tifa insisted but she already sounded congested._

" _Still, I don't want to risk it." Cloud turned on his heel, preparing to walk back to the ship and return to Rocket Town. Taking the Huge Materia to Cosmo Canyon would have to wait. "We need to stop somewhere and get her some medicine."_

_Tifa huffed, clearly unhappy about all the fuss but she knew they wouldn't let it go. She also knew that he needed her healthy and she knew she'd cause more of a fuss if she got sicker._

_They decided to stay the night in Rocket Town. They left Tifa with Shera while Cid and some of the others went to rent a room at the inn. Meanwhile, Cloud, Vincent, and Yuffie went to stock up on supplies and medicine for Tifa._

" _What's this?" Cloud asked as he eyed the green bottle Yuffie put on the counter._

" _Tifa's medicine."_

_Cloud lifted the bottle off the counter and eyed it cynically. He knew little about medicine but he assumed some was better than none and he really couldn't let Tifa get sick._

_Back at Cid's place room, Shera led Cloud to the room Tifa was resting in. Shera left them alone then, he sat on the bed next to Tifa and gently shook her shoulder._

" _Tifa, I've got your medicine."_

_She sat up, rubbed her eyes, and sniffled a bit before reaching out and taking the bottle from him. She read the instructions and drank up the red liquid. She grimaced at the likely stout taste but he had to admit her expression was kind of…cute. It was the face kids make when they are forced to eat their greens, when someone takes their very first gulp of vodka or stout whiskey. She even stuck her tongue out and shuddered._

" _That bad?" he mused, his voice quivering with slight laughter._

" _You want to try some?" she taunted and pushed the bottle towards his mouth._

_Cloud held his hand up and shot to his feet. "No thanks. I'll take your word for it."_

_Tifa fell asleep almost immediately after taking the medicine. Meanwhile, Cloud slept in the floor, propped up by the wall next to the bed she occupied._

_He probably could have gone back to the inn with the others (sans Cid) but for some reason, leaving her alone didn't sit right with him. He wanted to be there in case she got worse or needed him. Plus, he wanted to make sure she woke up in four hours so she could take another dose._

_The next morning, they began preparing to set out for Cosmo Canyon again, and Tifa took yet another gulp of her medicine before they left Cid's place._

_Not even thirty minutes later, Tifa began acting strangely. She looked drowsy and was stumbling around a lot. It was almost like she was drunk or high. Then, it hit him._

" _What did you give her?!" Cloud shot Yuffie a hard look._

" _What?! Nothing!" The ninja shrank away, likely contemplating hiding behind Vincent or in his cloak. "Just medicine!"_

" _What kind of medicine?" Red XIII interjected more politely._

" _Just some stuff in a green bottle. The lady at the store said it could knock out anything and since we didn't know what Tifa had, I thought it would be perfect."_

" _Can I see the bottle?" Red asked._

_Cloud reached into his pocket and held the bottle out for him to inspect._

" _This is a very powerful cough syrup. No wonder Tifa can barely stand. I think some people even call it sleep serum because it is known for being able to put people to sleep."_

" _Shit…" Cloud groused just as Tifa toppled into him._

" _No…I'm fine," she slurred. He doubted she even noticed how she was using him to stand. If he were to move, she would fall face first onto the ground._

_Sighing heavily, he bent down and prepared to scoop Tifa up bridal style._

" _You can't carry her, Cloud. You have to lead the party. What will you do when we encounter enemies?" Vincent inquired flatly._

_Cloud silently grit his teeth in his mouth. He knew Vincent was right but he didn't want him to be._

" _He's right, Cloud," Cait Sith added, sounding strangely sincere._

" _I know he's right," he admitted a bit tersely. This was grating his nerves and he wasn't entirely sure why. Yes, it was a major inconvenience but there was something more…_

" _Look, we just have to get to Cosmo Canyon. It's not that far. Cid can lead the way. I'll take care of Tifa."_

_He instinctively pulled Tifa closer to him. For some reason, handing her over to someone else didn't sit right with him. This felt like his responsibility. This was half his fault for not being more perceptive when it came to Yuffie's choice in medicine._

" _Tifa?" His grip tightened on her shoulders as he held her at arms length and looked down into her cloudy eyes. "Do you think you can climb on my back?"_

_Tifa looked at him like he was a giant talking moogle for a moment before nodding slowly._

" _I think so."_

" _Alright." Cloud turned his back to her and bent his knees a little._

" _Ready?" she asked, placing her hands on his shoulders._

_Barret folded his arms and snickered. "This outta be good…"_

" _As I'm gonna be…" Cloud bent his knees a bit more._

" _One…three…five!" Tifa leapt onto his back in one swift, clumsy motion._

_With Tifa in place on his back, Cloud forced the others to trudge ahead towards Cosmo Canyon. Her arms looped around his neck, the back of her knees in his hands. She would come to every now and then and whisper something incoherent to him._

" _You smell good," she mused, nuzzling the back of his neck._

" _Oh yeah?" Cloud decided to humor her since no one was listening and she wouldn't remember this conversation tomorrow. "What do I smell like?"_

" _Earthy and masculine with a hint of Mako…"_

_Cloud grimaced. "That sounds horrible…"_

" _It's not. I like it…" she muttered against his neck, her lips grazing his skin as she spoke._

_He couldn't repress his shudder or the chill that raced up his spine at the sensation of her warm lips on him. She was barely coherent but their chemistry was popping loudly in his ears, crackling against his back with every shift of her body…._

" _What do I smell like?" she asked as she sniffed at her hair, which was draped over both their shoulders._

_He felt hot. His ears were burning and his grip on the back of her legs tightened._

_Cloud cleared his throat. "Depends. Sometimes you smell like gardenias and heather. But you almost always kind of smell like sugar, you know like something sweet baking in the oven."_

_She sighed contentedly. "That sounds nice."_

" _I-It is…" mumbled Cloud, keeping his eyes low to the ground even though she couldn't see him._

_Tifa stilled against him for a little while but she must have gotten bored with just riding on his back because she began wriggling and playing with his hair and the stud in his ear._

" _Your head looks like a chocobo butt," Tifa mused as she stroked the ends of his hair. Soon she was giggling and fussing his hair into several different directions. "But it's_ **so** _soft. Whenever I imagined running my hands through it, I always thought it would be coarser…"_

_Blushing, Cloud frowned and Yuffie fell over with laughter._

" _It_ **does** _look like a chocobo butt!" Yuffie declared between breaths._

_Tifa wrapped her arms around him protectively, as if she could shield him from the humiliation she caused._

" _But it's the prettiest chocobo butt ever." Tifa squeezed him like five year olds carelessly squeeze kittens or puppies. "Cid, isn't Cloud pretty?!"_

_Cloud was as red as a beet by now._

" _Pretty as a princess," Cid replied with a crooked grin._

_**FLASH** _

"Wanna know a secret?" Tifa whispered and he was thankful for the distraction. He couldn't take much more. His self-control was slipping rapidly.

"Mm."

She pulled away a little so she could look down at him, straight into his eyes and right into his soul.

"You're my best friend, Cloud Strife…"

A big, goofy smile spread across his face. "You're my best friend too…but I was kind of hoping I was more to you than that."

She pushed his hair back and ran her fingertips along the contours of his face. She'd sobered significantly and suddenly looked very serious.

"You're much more than that… You're everything to me, Cloud…"

His breath grew spurs and lodged in his throat. He wanted to tell her that she was everything to him too but he'd never be able to get it out. Instead, he settled for gripping the back of her neck and covering her mouth with his.

She moaned into his mouth and he couldn't keep from doing the same as his hands slid up the back of her shirt again.

His blood grew hot and his hands grew anxious. His pulse was hammering away at his eardrums and his heart was threatening to beat right out of his chest as his mouth flowed over hers. His thumbs rubbed the skin under her ribs, his hands stroked her belly, and gripped at her hips and he knew he was inching closer and closer to the point of no return.

Tifa broke the kiss, either coming up for air or sensing that he was a few seconds from snapping. Maybe both.

She giggled and ran her thumbs across his cheek. "You still have icing on your face."

"I thought I might get hungry during the night…" He smirked without opening his eyes. If he looked at her, it would all be over. Plus, he knew his eyes would reveal to her how… _excited_  he was. His eyes changed colors for several different reasons but because of all the Mako in him, they changed the most when his pulse and adrenaline was really going. This usually happened during fights and… _other_  physical activities, something Tifa was familiar with.

Tifa laughed more as she wiped the last of the icing off his face. She curled under his neck again, planting a few kisses on his neck and chest.

Cloud held his head back, losing himself in the sensation. It was nice but it was also something akin to torture. He didn't know whether he needed to be relieved or angry when she stilled on top of him. His heart, his brain, and his body were at war with one another. He'd resolved not have sex with Tifa again until she knew how he felt and they were both mentally and emotionally ready for it. He wanted to do right by her because he loved her and the next time they had sex, he wanted her to know without a doubt that she was loved...but his body had some pretty stern objections.

"I'm sorry." He was suddenly apologizing and he didn't even know where this apology was coming from. It just ripped it's way out of him without his consent or knowledge.

Tifa's head popped up, her expression confused. "For what?"

"...For being so blind. For being so wrapped up in my own pain for so long that I continually failed to see yours. But I'm able to see it now...and I promise I'll try to do better."

She smiled but there was hurt in her eyes. "Don't worry about it... It's okay."

"No. It's not okay but thanks for saying so." He pushed her hair off her shoulder and ran his thumb along the pulse point in her neck. "I think… I think it's finally my turn to start paying more attention to you. Now that I am less of a mess, I think it's my turn to take care of you...like you've always taken care of me."

Tifa pressed her forehead to his. "You sure? I don't mind taking care of you. Sometimes I think it's my sole purpose in life. Sometimes I think I was put on this Planet to take care of you..."

He smiled and it was a warm, genuine smile, smiles reserved for her and the kids. "I'm sure."


	21. Part XXI

* * *

_Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds._

_It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken._

_Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks,_

_but bears it out even to the edge of doom._

_\- William Shakespeare_

* * *

Waking up with Tifa in his bed for a change was nice. It was different but a good different. He was usually in her room.

At some point, Tifa had rolled off of him and turned to face the opposite wall. But her head still rested on his bicep and his hand was sandwiched between both of hers.

Tifa still clung to him as if she were terrified that he might poof or disappear at any moment. He often wondered if she would ever stop looking at him as if he were a ghost. Would that disbelief ever fade? Would she always look at him as if he were a memory? A figment of her imagination?

It had been raining all morning, which made staying in bed for the next two days tempting. Thunder rumbled steadily outside as sheets of rain collided against the windows in random bursts. It was a calming rhythm, a gentle storm.

Yeah. He definitely didn't want to leave their little bubble but he knew he had to get up. The Planet was still out there and they had things to do and demons to confront.

"Tifa…" he whispered as he shifted around her. "I'm gonna need my arm back."

She groaned and wriggled a little. She didn't let go at first. She held on and even tightened her grip on him before finally moving so he could slip his arm out from under her.

Cloud expected her to stir but she simply shifted onto her stomach, folded her arms under her head, and continued to watch him beneath a curtain of thick, unkempt hair.

Begrudgingly, he pulled away and pushed the covers back. He tried not to notice her disappointment as he eased to the edge of the bed and planted his feet on the cool floor.

"Wait…" she cried, her voice almost a whimper as she sat up and grabbed the curve of his arm.

He glanced back at her out of the corner of his eye.

"I…" she hesitated, her hand loosening its grip on his skin. "Do you remember when you said you liked when I was open…?"

Cloud nodded. Yes. He had said that.

"Well…" Tifa released his arm and crawled closer to him even though his back was still facing her. "I'm gonna to try to be more open. You've been opening up to me a lot more lately…so it's only fair…"

She sounded nervous, unsure. She suddenly reminded him of the sad, little girl that went running out to Mount Nibel looking for her mother.

"I mean…I'll have to if we want to keep moving forward, right?" Her eyes were innocent and beseeching yet meek. She almost looked scared.

"Right…" he breathed. He tried to sound reassuring but he felt his tone might have failed him.

There was a prolonged silence where neither of them said anything. She was too timid to speak and he was just waiting for whatever she had to say. He could tell she wanted to say more but he couldn't tell if she'd actually go through with it and say it or not.

"You terrify me…" Her eyes fell to his bedding. "Things are good. Maybe even better than they've ever been…but sometimes it _still_  feels like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out, for you to take it all away from me…"

He nodded his understanding. She had every right to feel that way and he didn't have the words to take that feeling away. What could he possibly say to fix that? What could be said that he hadn't already said in one form or another?

"I'm trying to trust you. I'm trying to get better too…and sometimes, I genuinely think that I am. I think that I'm finally past it all but…other times that voice in my head just won't shut up…" Her forehead fell to his shoulder in exasperation.

"You don't have to explain. I get it. I have voices in my head too."

Tifa lifted her head, moved to sit at the edge of the bed and squared up with him, taking one of his hands into her lap and holding it tightly.

"I…I want you Cloud. Probably in every way you can want another person… I am holding onto everything we have for dear life…but I need to know that you need me back."

Cloud could see the fear in her eyes. She was terrified of him but not in a traditional sense. She was afraid of what he might do. She was afraid of history repeating itself. He'd really done a number on her confidence – at least when it came to him.

He turned a bit and caught her gaze over his shoulder. "I need you. I needed you before I even realized I needed you."

She smiled and it was a small yet genuine smile, one that tugged on his heartstrings as it radiated from her eyes.

Tifa rested her cheek on top of his shoulder and began running her fingertips along his palm, up and down the vulnerable underside of his arm.

"Want to know a secret?"

"Sure." He smirked.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Mm." He was leaning toward the shoulder she was resting against, almost placing his head atop hers.

"I think… I think I've wanted you ever since you drug me out to the well back in Nibelhiem…" she said softly, wistfully.

Cloud tensed and looked down at her.

Tifa grinned at his reaction. "You completely sold me on the idea of a blonde SOLDIER."

"Sorry the reality didn't surpass expectation…"

Sometimes he still felt like he was competing with himself or her idea of him. He'd planted this fantasy in her head and he'd continually failed to live up to it. He would never be _her_  Cloud, the Cloud he longed to be, the Cloud she fantasized about for years while he tried to get into SOLDIER. That was why coming home had been so hard, why he'd hidden from her before the Nibelhiem Incident. He couldn't face her because he wasn't _that_  Cloud. He wasn't even remotely close. He'd failed.

She shook her head and ran her fingers along the nape of his neck, her fingertips grazing the edge of his hair and causing him to shudder.

"I like the real you better. The reality was better than my expectation. In my head you were a little too perfect. You were like those bland princes in Marlene's storybooks who have the personality of a lamp and their only traits involve being handsome and saving people on a whim. I like your depth."

"Yeah, well, my depth has caused a lot of pain." He tensed again.

"It's what makes you… _you_  and despite what you think, you're pretty amazing, Cloud Strife."

That made him smile. His ears burned as a deep blush crept down his neck to his shoulders.

"Are you smiling?" she teased as she poked his side a little.

"Maybe." He smirked and tried to pull away before he tittered like a ticklish girl.

Her head was once again resting against his shoulder and he shot a glance her way in a vain attempt to catch a glimpse of her face. In the end all he got was a view of her folded legs and her hair flowing over her shoulder and down her side but that didn't keep him from continuing to try.

"…I love you," he whispered lowly, sounding gentle yet sincere. "You know that, right?"

It was a delivery that only he would be capable of. Only Cloud Strife would declare his love as if it were the most obvious thing in the world simply because it had been to him all this time. And given how she was stunned (possibly jarred) into silence, he assumed it  _hadn't_ been that obvious to her.

_Shit…_

She laughed in disbelief, shaking her head, her silky hair tickling his skin.

"I do now," she whispered.

There was a long pause where nothing else was said. They simply basked in that strangely magical moment, letting it resonate and sink in.

She broke the silence first. Without detaching her cheek from his shoulder, she whispered: "…I love you, too…"

His breath lodged in his throat. He was overwhelmed by all of the emotions jumping around inside of him but none of them were bad.

He thought he should probably kiss her. That's what people always did in books and movies after they declared their love to one another. He didn't know if it fit them though… They were far from a textbook romance.

Clumsily, Cloud tried to turn to face her. He decided he should at the very least hold her. So he pulled her into his lap until she was astride his hips and literally squeezed her.

Tifa's arms wrapped around his neck and his arms secured around her waist as if to cement her in place against him forever. He buried his face in the junction between her neck and shoulder, taking a huge drag of her natural scent into his lungs.

Cloud held her like that for a long time until she pulled away. She took his face in her hands and briefly pressed her lips to his.

Their lips separated gradually and her forehead met his. Their eyes connected and he could feel her looking into his soul again and he tried desperately to see into hers. Sadness and uncertainty lingered there and he kissed her again in an attempt to take it away but it would probably take more than kisses and sweet nothings to take all of her insecurities regarding him away. A lot more.

Tifa curled into him and she felt small and vulnerable against his chest…but in a good way. For the first time in a long time, their roles had reversed. He was finally stable enough to offer her  _real_  comfort and she was finally trusted him enough to be vulnerable around him.

They were… _changing_. He felt it seeping into his bones already.

Resting his head against hers, he pulled her closer, silently promising that he wouldn't let her down this time.

* * *

It was Barret's weekend with the kids. Cloud didn't have many deliveries for the day, so he'd offer to take them to North Corel. He kind of wanted to get some advice from Barret anyway…

Tifa had been acting strange since they uttered those three syllables to each other and he wasn't sure how to handle it. At first, he thought it was just the general awkwardness of having put those words and feelings out there, of somewhat… _officially_  starting this new chapter in their lives but as time progressed and things got weirder, he realized something else was going on with Tifa. She was distant, almost cold. The behavior kind of reminded him of how she'd acted after Meteor when she was dwelling on all they had done.

Cloud wasn't exactly sure what he'd been expecting to happen. He wasn't expecting a drastic change but he had been expecting  _some_  change. Granted, he had never been in this kind of situation before so he didn't really know what to expect…but it wasn't  _this._

"Are you and Tifa fighting?"

Cloud jerked out of his revere and saw Marlene looking at him expectantly from across the table.

"What? No." He shook his head. "No, we aren't fighting."

Judging by the incredulous look on Marlene and Barret's face, his words were far from convincing.

_So much for a nice lunch together…_

Sure, Cloud wanted to talk to Barret about Tifa's behavior but he hadn't wanted to do it… _now_. He was enjoying lunch in North Corel's new pub (a quaint place Barret had been telling him about for a while now) and hadn't wanted to ruin their afternoon with heavy topics like this.

"Why'd you ask that?" Barret inquired gently but Cloud could sense his concern. He was afraid they were going off the rails again and there would be hell to pay if Barret thought they were falling into old, pre-Geostigma habits.

Marlene shrugged and picked at what remained of her sandwich. "I don't know. Tifa has just been acting kind of weird lately. She's not really herself."

Denzel subtly nodded his agreement from his seat next to Marlene and Barret cast an accusing glance Cloud's way. He knew whatever was going on with Tifa was his fault.

It was moments like this when Cloud almost cursed Marlene's awareness and acute perception of those around her.

"Here." Barret placed a handful of gil on the table. "How 'bout you two try out some of those arcade games in the corner while Spikey 'n I talk."

Denzel took the hint first, shoveling the gil off the table and into his hand. "C'mon, Marlene."

Once the kids were out of earshot and putting Barret's gil into the noisy machine that reminded Cloud a lot of some of the games at Gold Saucer, the interrogation started.

"So what's the deal?" To Cloud's surprise, Barret's tone wasn't angry or irritated. Okay. So maybe it was slightly irritated but genuine concern was the dominant air around him.

"…I might have told Tifa that I love her," he admitted sheepishly, rubbing at the back of his neck and looking away as he did so.

Barret bellowed, his timbre echoing throughout the space. "I can't believe you finally did it!"

Cloud sighed. "It's not funny."

"No. You're right. It's not." Barret suppressed another laugh but managed to regain some composure. "So did she say it back?"

"Yeah…"

"Then what's the problem?" Barret scratched at his short beard.

"I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me. She's been acting…weird." Cloud began playing with his glass of water, pushing it back and forth along the table's newly polished surface.

"Weird? Weird how?"

"Just…weird. Distant. Kind of like she was after Meteor."

"Hm. I wouldn't worry too much. Whatever it is that's botherin' her, she'll let ya know soon enough. That's what women do. They get angry 'n stew on it before they boil over." Barret patted him on the back with his good hand. "But she can't be  _that_  upset with ya. This is a major move in the right direction for you two. If you're serious about it, that is…"

"I'm very serious." Cloud wouldn't have put it out there if he weren't serious. He would have left well enough alone. He wouldn't have gone down this path at all. With his mind free of Geostigma and Mako poisoning, he'd made the choice to take this route willingly. And he'd do it all over again if given the choice.

"Good. It's about damn time you got serious about your relationship, even the lack thereof. Hell, at this point, I was just ready for you to just make a stance one way or another 'n finally stop dickin' around."

Cloud couldn't keep from wincing a little at Barret's harsh wording. He made him sound…cruel. He knew he was to a fault but Barret made it sound like he did all this intentionally, like he was some kind of sadistic, selfish bastard. Maybe he was sometimes but he never  _tried_  to be manipulative or deceitful or callous. It just kind of…happened.

"Ya said anythin' to the kids yet?" Barret inquired, his eyes going to the children in question who were completely absorbed in the game they were playing.

"No. This is a relatively new development." Honestly, Cloud had no idea how to go about  _any_  of this. He'd blurted out  _'I love you'_  and now that he had, he didn't know what to do. How did one in their position actually go about moving forward in a relationship? They already lived together with two kids…

Barret grinned. "This'll be good for them. They need more stability in their lives."

Cloud nodded his agreement.

_A_ **real** _family…_

"And just between you 'n me, I think Marlene's kinda been rootin' for you two for a while." Barret's grin widened as he took his phone out of his pocket.

His brow furrowed as Barret began toying with his phone and flat out ignoring him.

"What are you doing?" he asked when he could take no more.

"Callin' Cid and Vincent. They owe me 500 gil." Barret snickered deep in his throat.

"Wait…" Cloud straightened his posture and leaned across the table. "Were you guys  _betting_  on us?"

"Yep! And I won! Cid and Valentine bet that Tifa would cave first but I knew better!" Barret laughed again, his eyes not leaving his phone's screen. Cloud couldn't tell if he was laughing at their failure or the fact that he was now 500 gil richer. "I only wish I could be there to see Cid's face when realizes he lost!"

* * *

Seventh Heaven was dead quiet and dark when Cloud finally got back from North Corel. With all the lights off in the bar, he assumed Tifa was in her room.

As expected, Tifa was indeed in her room. However, she was already asleep on top of her covers and the floor was covered in what appeared to be boxes of…stuff.

Upon further inspection, he realized it was old armor, accessories, and weapons from four years ago.

He'd distributed a lot of it out for the last time before they split up after the final battle but Cid brought the majority back to him once the new Seventh Heaven was built and they actually had a place for it. Cid didn't want their  _'junk'_  taking up valuable space in his precious airship.

Cloud wandered around the space, trying to figure out why she'd been sorting through this stuff and also debating on whether or not he should wake her to ask.

Whiskey was on the bed next to Tifa, eyeing him curiously as he paced the room.

Unsure of what else to do, Cloud sat down on the bed next to the cat and gave him a few awkward strokes as he watched Tifa sleep.

Her sleep was uneasy. Her expression wasn't peaceful as she held what looked like her old Cat Claw (which had one less claw thanks to a dragon on Mt. Nibel). She'd be tossing and turning soon.

As he listened to her almost inaudible rhythmic breathing, he wished he could pry her head open and figure out what was going on inside. But he knew that was unrealistic. He'd given up trying to understand women years ago. He could live a thousand years and still never be able to grasp them fully. He figured he'd always be clueless.

Sighing, he got back to his feet. He decided to get ready for bed and deal with this situation afterwards. Hopefully, Tifa would be awake when he came back to check on her.

Cloud didn't get far. A familiar ring was sitting on her nightstand. He recognized it instantly.

_**FLASH** _

_Cloud really wished this were avoidable. He_ **really** _didn't want to be climbing Mount Nibel trying to get to this reactor but it was necessary._

_At this point, he was just trying to get it over with even though he couldn't really pinpoint why being here made him so uncomfortable. He expected some discomfort given the situation in Nibelhiem but he hadn't expected it to be so..._ **strong** _. The memories associated with this place perhaps? Surely Tifa felt it too but he didn't have time to ask. This place was absolutely crawling with monsters._

" _Aerith, I want you to have this." He handed a small ring to her and she took it eagerly._

_It was a Protect Ring. He'd gotten it with the hopes that it would help her defense issues and since he knew from experience how bad some of the monsters were on Mount Nibel, he thought now was a good a time as any to give it to her._

_She smiled as she squeezed it in her hand. "It's a little early to be exchanging rings, but I suppose I'd be willing to make an exception for you."_

_Aerith loved teasing him about things of this nature but still…that Protect Ring was_ **not** _pretty. If it was an engagement or promise ring, it was one of the ugliest and saddest ones he'd ever seen._

_Regardless, Aerith happily put it on her ring hand as if it were an engagement/promise ring._

_Tifa eyed her cynically from across the way, her hands resting on the back of her hips. Tifa's cynicism was subtle. No one else would have been able to pick up on it but he knew Tifa well enough to know when she was suppressing emotions or certain behaviors._

_This was one of those rare moments when he took time to notice the contrast between Aerith and Tifa. Tifa was guarded and a bit more…grounded. Aerith's head was sometimes in the clouds. Life's ruthlessness and cruelty had made Tifa more cynical. Aerith, however, often saw the glass half full through her rose colored glasses even whenever she knew things were bad. Aerith refused to get discouraged no matter the circumstance but Cloud knew that some of it (it was hard for him to tell just how much) was a front. She got scared and worried just like the rest of them but she never let on. She was actually like Tifa in that regard. They were both strong-willed and full of encouragement and praise. But Aerith's demeanor was innocent and pure, sometimes bordering on naïve._

" _Uh, okay." He went with it. That was usually what he did when Aerith put him in these situations. He didn't see the harm in it. Whenever Aerith talked like this, he could never tell if she was serious or joking. Perhaps both? Regardless, he always thought it was best to humor her but maintain some level of indifference…just in case._

_Aerith giggled as she ran her thumb along the ring on her finger. "But seriously, thank you. You really are a good bodyguard."_

_Cloud smiled down at her. "You're welcome."_

_**FLASH** _

_Damn, had he made a horrible decision in choosing his party. He should have brought the new guy they found in Shinra Manor to see what he was capable of but he'd wanted Aerith's healing and Tifa's stamina for this nasty trek up the mountain. At least he_ **thought** _he did. Now he was second-guessing all of his decisions. He should have brought more muscle and less magic. Luckily, he'd equipped Cover Materia before all this._

_Just before they reached the reactor, they'd stumbled upon a green dragon. And the thing was huge. It was full-grown. Maybe a female with eggs nearby? That would explain the aggression._

_Its roar was shrill as Cloud continued chipping away at it. Its hide was thick as steel and he felt like he was doing minimal damage. It also felt like they'd been fighting this thing forever. They'd managed to cover it from three different angles but it didn't make much of a difference. It didn't even have any magical weaknesses. He knew because they'd tried everything and it seemed equally unfazed each time._

_Cloud was bludgeoning this thing's hind legs as much as he could, trying to blindside it but it seemed determined to destroy Tifa. It had targeted her and she was content (and surprisingly good at) being the decoy. It snapped at her continuously yet Tifa managed to defend herself._

**Maybe I should have been using her as a tank prior to this…**

_She'd parry and counter (as was her style) effortlessly but she couldn't get much distance anymore and it was leading her into a corner. With every parry, the dragon gained more ground. She'd be cornered soon._

_Desperate to divert the dragon's attention, Cloud stabbed the dragon in the hip with everything he had._

_Mistake._

_His sword lodged into its thick hide and he couldn't break free. He tried desperately to yank his sword back out but it wasn't moving. Well, it was moving but only because the dragon was roaring so loud his vision was blurring._

_The next thing he knew, the dragon's spiked tail was whipping around and swatting him off its back like he was nothing more than a mosquito._

_Cloud slammed into the nearby rock formation, almost impaling himself on the rough, jagged edges. To his surprise, nothing was jutting through him._

" _Cloud!" Aerith was suddenly at his side, casting some variation off Restore on him but it didn't do much good. His bones were still vibrating from the force and his ears were still ringing._

" _Where's Tifa?" He clumsily got back to his feet._

_He couldn't see past the dragon and Tifa was currently the only one doing any kind of damage to the beast._

_As he was trying to figure out how the hell he was supposed to get his sword out of that dragon, he heard Tifa yell._

_A powerful sensation smothered him and he realized it was Materia and Mako and adrenaline._

_When Tifa came into view, her arm was in this things mouth. She was kicking and punching, doing everything possible to break free but it seemed hell bent on ripping her arm clean off._

_Aerith shot one of the dragon's eyes with Fire and that was enough to get it to release Tifa's arm but it only hesitated a moment. Seconds later it was, laser focused on Tifa again. Its jaws opened and the next thing Cloud knew, he was between Tifa and this dragon._

**Cover Materia… Son of a bitch!**

_The Materia took hold and he no longer had any control of his actions. It was in charge now._

_The Materia did its job. He'd saved Tifa from getting ripped apart but now he was literally holding this thing's jaws open so they wouldn't snap him (and Tifa) in half._

_Its breath was unbearably hot and smelled like it had been eating Malboros. He winced, his arms shaking from the acidic heat and the sheer power of this beast._

_Suddenly, the dragon was recoiling and Cloud opened his eyes to see Tifa yanking her fist away from its other eye._

_She'd followed Aerith's lead and tried to blind this thing. Smart._

_When her Cat Claw left the dragon's eye, she had one less claw on it. Some of it remained lodged in the thing's head or maybe broke off when she'd been trying to free her arm. He wasn't sure._

_With the dragon temporarily incapacitated, Tifa made her move. She literally climbed up its head, slid down the back of its long neck to its backside, and ripped his sword from its hip._

_Aerith began sending a flurry of magic the dragon's way to keep it from flinging Tifa off as it had him earlier and Cloud followed suit._

_He just knew Tifa would fall off or be scratched off but it never happened. She reached the head again and stabbed the dragon right through the back of the skull with his sword. She made it look easy and if he weren't so busy being impressed, he'd have been embarrassed that he hadn't thought of doing that himself._

_There was a moment when the dragon went into a frenzy. It roared and writhed around a while before finally going deathly still and collapsing to the ground with a heavy thud._

_Greenish gray dust was everywhere and the ground itself seemed to tremble beneath them._

_Cloud fell to his backside, stunned, his palms bleeding from holding the dragon's razor-filled mouth open with nothing but his hands._

_Tifa yanked the buster sword out of the corpse, slid off its back and almost fell to the ground._

_Forgetting all about his mangled hands, Cloud was suddenly up, rushing to grab her so she wouldn't collide with the earth._

" _I'm…okay…" she murmured even though she clearly wasn't okay. Her arm was bleeding. A lot. She was barely holding onto consciousness._

_It wasn't long before Aerith reached them, tending to Tifa's arm without missing a beat._

" _Do you have a Potion?" he asked._

_Silently, Aerith reached into their pouch and handed the vial to him._

_He patted Tifa's cheek. "Tifa."_

_Her eyes fluttered open but her pupils were dilated, making her entire eyes seem pearl black. There may have been poison in the dragon's fangs. She might need an Antidote too before it was all said and done._

" _Drink this." He gingerly cradled Tifa's head in his hand and held the vial to her mouth with the other. She took a few tiny sips before closing her eyes again._

_As he held Tifa, there was a strange sense of nostalgia pulsing in him. Why? He couldn't quite put his finger on it. Perhaps because a larger emotion was at play inside him: guilt. He felt like a_ **huge** _jackass (bigger than that dragon). He'd been so caught up in taking care of Aerith that he'd neglected Tifa. He should have gotten her better protective gear instead of splurging on Aerith. Tifa was a contact fighter and sometimes a healer as well. She needed a Protect Ring every bit as much as Aerith but he'd been-_

" _She'll be fine. We got to it quick enough. I doubt it will even scar," Aerith explained, sensing his worry as she continued performing ministrations on Tifa's arm._

" _Good." He subconsciously pulled Tifa closer to him, her head resting over his heart._

" _Give me your hands." Aerith held out her hands, motioning for his limbs impatiently._

_He gave them to her gladly. His palms were burning. But since he refused to release Tifa completely, he could only give her one palm at a time._

" _That was one of the craziest things I've ever seen you do," she admitted in awe._

" _It was that damn Cover Materia…" At that moment, he vowed to never equip it again. Any crazy ventures he'd go on from now on would be of his own volition. He didn't care who was in his party._

_Aerith's brow furrowed. "Are you sure? I'm almost positive I gave it to Barret this morning."_

_Cloud blew this off, blaming it on Aerith's strange and sometimes not-so-subtle rivalry with Tifa. She still suspected there was more than friendship between Tifa and him and would sometimes make something out of nothing. They were always reading_ **way** _too much into his actions…_

_**FLASH** _

_They couldn't make camp enough. Mount Nibel and Nibelhiem in general had really taken it out of him. He just wanted this day to be over so he helped distribute equipment and goods for the next day as quickly as possible with the hope that he could go to sleep as quickly as possible._

" _Here, Tifa." Cloud handed her designated accessory for the following day to her. This one was called a…Fairy Ring? At least he thought that was what the vendor had called it._

" _Oh, so I get one too?" Tifa teased as she eyed the ring. "As much as I love secondhand sympathy gifts, I don't think the first wife would approve."_

_Cloud rolled his eyes. "You're hilarious."_

_Tifa smirked. "I try."_

" _But seriously. The guy that sold it to me said that it's supposed to prevent Darkness. I don't know if it'll work. The guy looked kind of shady but I know how much you hate not being able to see. Plus, I don't want you hitting me if you go blind."_

_He expected her to laugh. She didn't._

_Tifa rolled the ring around between her fingers. "Do I have to wear it on my ring finger?"_

" _Wear it wherever you want." He shrugged. Indifferent._

" _Sorry. That was mean." She sighed. "I shouldn't make fun of her. I just… Never mind."_

" _What?" He hated when she did that to him and she was doing it more and more. Tifa was usually pretty honest with him. She didn't try to hide things from him in the past…but now? Now she seemed to hesitate before telling him_ **anything** _._

" _It doesn't matter. I get it." She shook her head, her eyes not leaving Aerith who sat a few feet away on the other side of their fire next to Red XIII._

_That made one of them. He didn't_ **'get it'.** _He was more confused than ever._

_Tifa was suddenly reaching for his hand. She opened his palm and placed the ring inside._

" _Keep it. I don't need it." She rose to her feet and walked to her tent._

_This felt like…rejection somehow. He definitely didn't speak woman but he knew there was some kind of subconscious message in what she'd just done._

_He squeezed the ring in his hand, feeling it and his guilt try to sear its way through his palm._

_Desperate to distract himself and rid his body and mind of anything relating to this all around unpleasant day, he began taking off his extra gear and removing his Materia._

_As he put everything away, he realized (with no small amount of surprise) that Aerith had been right. He hadn't been equipped with Cover Materia at all. He'd literally thrown himself into that dragon's mouth for Tifa…_ **willingly**.

_He didn't know what that meant and he didn't care to know. All he knew was that he'd never breathe a word of this to anyone._

_**FLASH** _

Cloud rolled the Protect Ring around between his fingers, watching it glisten as it caught the dull light in her room. Aerith had worn it religiously and every time she wore it, she put it on her ring hand… And Tifa… Tifa had refused to wear any ring he ever offered her. In her mind, that was something reserved for Aerith and her pride didn't waver. Tifa didn't want what she saw as leftovers or secondhand gifts…

No doubt finding that ring stirred a lot of unpleasant emotions in Tifa and agitated a lot of old thoughts into action.

The past was haunting them again, forever keeping them from moving forward. It was what had been bothering Tifa. It was why she'd been acting strange. The past was what was keeping her from him just as it had once kept him from her. It kept her from trusting him and made her continually question him and his sincerity.

' _I love you'_  hadn't been enough. He hadn't necessarily expected it to be but he was hoping it would help, make things better instead of worse…

Squeezing that ring in his hand, he pressed his palms to his forehead.

How the hell was he supposed to fix this? What was he supposed to say? What  _could_  he say that he hadn't already tried to say? Would it be enough even if he said it? Or was the past too much to overcome? Maybe he'd simply done too much damage to her in the past. Maybe it was all just too much.

Regardless, he'd have to confront her about it. All of it.

' _Aerith's'_  ring still firmly in hand, he sat down in the chair in the corner of Tifa's room, knowing for a fact that he wouldn't be able to sleep.


	22. Part XXII

* * *

_So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you._

–  _Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist_

* * *

Tifa always woke up the same way. She'd stiffen and suck in a deep breath through her nose. Then, she would check the clock and either stretch or roll onto her stomach for a while. Shortly after that, she'd usually get up.

Like always, she sucked in her deep breath and checked the clock on her nightstand (it was 7:34) but she didn't roll over or wriggle onto her opposite side. Instead, she saw him sitting in her armchair, his elbows across his knees as he leaned forward and rolled the Protect Ring between his palms.

Confusion smothered her features as she sat up and blinked a few times, probably to make sure he was really there.

She ran her hand through her hair (which had grown out quite a bit since the Deepground incident) and looked at the clock again.

"Did you sit there all night?" she finally asked, her voice still thick with sleep.

Cloud continued to roll the ring around between his hands. "Most of it."

"Okay… Can I ask why?" Her tone was saturated with bemusement and a touch of sarcasm.

This was where Cloud thought of saying lots of things in response.

He thought:  _Because I found this ring on your nightstand._

He thought:  _Because I was up all night worrying about you…about us…_

He thought:  _I'll tell you why I sat up all night in this chair if you'll tell me why these boxes of our old stuff are out._

In the end, he said none of those things. He just silently held up the ring so she could see it.

Tifa paled but a knowing look replaced the confusion that was on her face seconds prior.

"Yuffie called asking if we still had a Sneak Glove," she explained coolly. "So I started trying to look for it…but I couldn't find it. Then I figured I might as well try to sort through all of it…and found… _that_ …" She bobbed her head in the direction of the ring in his hand. "Then I got frustrated and decided just to go to sleep. Now I wish that I'd never agreed to look for that glove in the first place…"

Cloud swallowed. "Do you- Do you want to talk about it?"

_God… I'm horrible at this._

Whiskey jumped onto Tifa's bed and she rubbed him behind the ears, clearly trying to avoid eye contact with Cloud.

She seemed to be mulling it over, so Cloud let the silence permeate the air between them. It was uncomfortable but he managed not to say anything, which, honestly, wasn't that hard for him.

"I need to know why…" Tifa broke the heavy silence first.

His brow rose. He was confused. He didn't understand… And  _why_  was pretty vague.

" _Why_?" He said it so softly he was unsure as to whether or not he'd actually said it out loud.

Tifa shrugged. "Yes. Just…why… Why we should we try to be together? Why do you want to? Why us? Why now? Why me? Just… _why!_ "

She looked flustered and exasperated. She'd been holding this in for a while. In hindsight, it was obvious that this was what had been bothering her since they'd said those three words to each other. Her faith in him had wavered yet again. But Cloud understood why and he couldn't be angry with her for it.

Tifa threw the Cat Claw she'd slept with (rather forcefully) into the nearest box. "I want to say that it doesn't matter because I know on some level, it doesn't… I've even told you that it doesn't… A thousand times over I've resolved to just swallow it and comply with the way things are…the way that they will probably always be… And I don't want to freak you out. I don't want to scare you away, so I try to just let it go…but I'll find some reminder…like that ring and I'll  _still_ wonder how different things would be if Aerith were here."

"It doesn't matter. She isn't," he said matter-of-factly.

"That's not the point." She raked her hands through her hair and Whiskey leapt from the bed and left the room. Apparently, their tension was too much even for a cat.

"I cared about her. We had a connection. We've talked about all this before. You knew it. You saw it."

Tifa folded her arms over her chest to create yet another barrier between them. She was riddled with pain and discomfort. She was twitchy and couldn't sit still.

Yes, they'd talked about all this before but apparently, they hadn't said enough.  _He_ hadn't said enough. That, or enough could never be said on this particular subject. Tifa had all but said so before. They just had to accept that this – messy as it was – was part of them and probably always would be. It was a scar. It would fade but would probably always be there.

"I was never in love with Aerith," Cloud admitted.

"But she still  _meant_  something," Tifa countered, her voice strained.

"I can't say anything bad about her. I cared about her. She'll always be special to me." As usual, he was terrible at trying to explain…anything. He just wanted her to be able to read his mind and magically understand everything in him, everything he'd ever thought or felt…but he couldn't.

"Then what is the  _difference_?" she begged.

"The difference is…" Cloud placed the ring back onto her dresser's smooth surface "I love you. I want to be with you. Not her."

"But  _why_? I need to know  _why_." Tifa squeezed her hands over her heart as if she was trying to rip the pain that was eating her alive out of her chest. "I can't let you in like I should until I know _why_ …"

"Because…" He shrugged, his eyes flying around the room as he tried to come up with the right words. "Because…you fixed me. You took care of me when I was broken. You believed in me. You trusted me even though you didn't need to and were _way_  more understanding and patient than any person ever should be. You're the one person I can  _always_  count on. You know me inside and out, every version of me. You even know the broken, fabricated parts of me, the parts that forgot you, that had a connection with someone else… You know me better than anyone. You know me better than I know myself.

"And…because you hate hard liquor and you make this really cute, disgusted face when you drink it." He grinned, a dry chuckle breaking free. "Because…you chew on the inside of your cheek when you're thinking. Because you use to play Chopin on your old piano when you were sad. Because your nose wrinkles up when you're angry. Because you were jealous of Aerith but you'd never ever admit that because you were too busy putting our feelings ahead of yours. Because you resolved to stay with me and even when you thought you'd always be second best."

She reacted to that. She flinched a little and he knew that his words had penetrated that armor she'd covered herself in. They weren't just empty words. They had weight. He meant them. They resonated because they were true and he wasn't saying them to pacify anyone or prove anything. It was just…fact.

His face reddened. "Because…you were literally and figuratively the girl next door. And because I've only cross-dressed once in my life and I did it so that I could save  _you_. Because I joined SOLDIER so that I might finally have a chance with you someday… Because I've gone through hell more than once and every single time I've come out on the other side, you've been right there with me…"

Tifa continued sitting silently on her bed with her legs folded beneath her, absorbing all of this like a sponge. She blinked. She took in shaky breaths as her eyes ventured between him and the floor but said nothing.

"I mean… All of that's gotta mean something, right?" He gave her a small, crooked smile.

Tifa looked out her window, her eyes sad and full of unshed tears. But she smiled. "Right."

He felt like a thirteen year old back out at the well, all but begging for Tifa to simply  _consider_  giving him a chance…someday. Just like that night, he felt like he didn't have a chance in hell.

Something inside him was screaming that if he lost her now, he'd never be able to find her again. She'd forever be just beyond his reach.

It was funny how sometimes he felt like fate's fingerprints were all over everything about their relationship, like they were this carefully – albeit clumsily – crafted mechanism meant to work perfectly together and serve this greater purpose that they weren't even aware of. At the same time, he also felt like the odds were stacked against them. Could the gods be so cruel? Would they be sadistic enough to make them work so magically together only to have them fail in the end?

No. There was no way. It was too coincidental, too tailor-made. Things unfolded this way for a reason. It was in the stars they sat under that night at the well. They just didn't see it or realize it…

Cloud walked across the floor and sat near the foot of the bed. "I can keep going…if you need me to. I'm horrible with words and I've never really been a big talker but I can try to go on forever…if that's what I need to do… If that's what you really want…"

She wrapped her arms around herself as if she were trying to keep herself from falling apart.

They sat like that for a while. A few silent tears fell from her eyes but she wiped them away quickly.

Now probably wasn't the most ideal time to notice just how beautiful she was but he couldn't help it. She was stunning even when she was in pain with tears saturating her long, thick eyelashes and heartache staining her cheeks red.

She seemed small, vulnerable…and  _young_. Something about the black top and the white shorts clinging to her thighs made her look her age, maybe younger. Or perhaps it was the melancholy look on her face? He often forgot that they were both technically pretty young. They hadn't even hit their late twenties yet.

Eventually, he held his hand out for her and she took it. Her hand firmly in his, he gently pulled her out of the covers toward him. Once close enough, she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder and he instinctively moved to rest his head atop hers.

"I love you, Tifa. I don't know how else to say it. I love you and I'm yours. That's it. It's simple as that." He sighed. "But if that isn't enough… If our past and all of the baggage that comes with us is too much then, we'll figure something else out…"

The pause that followed was one of the longest he'd ever experienced. In that moment, he began questioning everything and wondering what he'd do if Tifa decided she couldn't give them a real chance. He also thought that it would be fair. He deserved to be left out in the cold after everything he'd put her through.

"No." She squeezed his hand and laced their fingers. "No. It's enough." She lifted her head, her cheek not leaving his shoulder as her eyes mated with his. "I could never be anyone else's…"

His heart swelled. It actually…swelled! That broken thing in his chest was finally functioning like it was supposed to…and he understood it. His brain and his heart were finally syncing up. It translated correctly and he was grateful. He felt almost…normal.

"You were right," he mused.

"About?" Her eyes glistened with flickers of hope and unshed tears.

"You said you sometimes thought that you were put on this Planet for me. You're right," he elaborated as he wiped one of her tears with his thumb. "And…I know it's been hard on you. I haven't exactly been the easiest task to undertake… But…would you believe me if I told you that I think it's supposed to be this way? I don't think I'd love you as much as I do if things hadn't happened the way that they did. I regret it because of how much it hurt you and how clueless and blind and unintentionally insensitive I was…but…even when it wasn't you…it was you. It's always been you…Tifa… And no matter what happens, it'll always be you… It just took me a while to realize it. I- I was too busy running from myself and my pain and my guilt but once I stopped running, I saw you waiting for me."

She closed her eyes and squeezed his arm. "Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?"

Cloud scoffed. "Probably too long."

"Yeah but it was worth it." Tifa sighed contentedly and he finally felt some of that tension in her dissolve. "Plus, I think this is the most I've ever heard you speak at once."

She was right. He rarely if ever spoke this much but it felt necessary. If he hadn't said as much as he had, they'd continued spinning their wheels in the mud going nowhere. Their relationship would poison them both if he said anything less, if he continued being his vague self. He did this for her. Because he knew she needed to hear it. Surprisingly, the words came easier than he thought they would. It almost felt good to say what had quietly run through his mind many times before.

"Don't get use to it," he murmured.

She gave a soft chuckle before silence blanketed the room again but it was no longer strained.

"Feel any better?" he asked gently.

She nodded. "A little. It's gonna take some time… You know, before I stop having doubts."

"I know…but I'll be here whenever you do and I'll remind you why you shouldn't have any…" He'd said similar words to her on the Highwind after they'd defeated Sephiroth, as Meteor loomed over Midgar. He said he'd be there for her whenever things got hard and she forgot whom she was. This had much more weight though. This was about them. Together. It was more than implied this time.

"You sure?" Her voice was soft and weak from crying.

He squeezed her hand. "I'm sure. I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"Promise." It was one of the easiest promises he'd ever made. He usually hated making them and she knew that. This was probably another one of her subtle tests for him. She was probably looking for hesitation or reluctance. If so, he'd won this round. There was none.

Cloud wasn't sure when it started happening or how it started happening but Tifa was kissing him. He didn't know who initiated it. Had he kissed her first? Had she kissed him first? He supposed it didn't matter because their mouths were suddenly fused together and even though his eyes and body ached for sleep, he couldn't stop. Her silent call for him was much louder than the call of sleep.

It was slow at first but it was building momentum. One kiss led to another, one touch linked to the next. Her hands were gliding up the length of his arms, tracing the pulse points in his neck and then, going down the back of his shoulders.

The inertia of their movements pulled him to the bed but he was careful not to get on top of her. Instead, he settled on his side, facing her.

Tifa's hands were in his hair and then they were under his shirt looking for bare skin. He could taste the salt of her tears mixing with the sweet, unique flavor of her.

Cloud was trying to be a gentleman. He kept his hands on her waist. He didn't even slip his hands under her shirt like he wanted. If she wanted to kiss him, he had no qualms with that but he wasn't going to push for anything more. She was setting the pace…but Cloud saw something in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a long time—need.

Her lips became more demanding and so did her touch. She was making soft, beautiful noises in the back of her throat and he knew his breathing was becoming uneven as his blood grew hotter and hotter. His hands were gripping her shirt tightly as they were overcome with the familiar and incessant itch to make contact with her skin.

Tifa sat up for air and slipped her shirt off over her head.

Cloud started to stop her. Emotions were running high. It would be very easy to get caught up in the moment and do something she might regret…but damn, he couldn't follow through with it. He wanted her too much… He _needed_ her.

He was counting the layers of clothes between them, measuring the distance and thinking of how easy it would be to close that space and what he could do once he closed it.

Years of resistance were crumbling away, collapsing fast.

He knew his eyes were glowing, the Mako in his body betraying him, any air of indifference lost. She'd know what that glow meant. Tifa hadn't been infused with Mako but her eyes were darker, tainted with longing.

She was kissing him again, wrapping a leg around his waist, coaxing him closer and pressing the newly exposed skin against him. Her hands were in his hair, under his shirt, sliding lower and lower along his abdomen…

"Please…"

One word. She spoke one word and that one word broke years of resistance. He no longer had the strength to fight it…and who was he to deny her of what she wanted? What they both wanted?

Clothes were gradually peeled away. Kisses became more potent and skin began touching skin. Slowly, he eased on top of her and settled between her legs.

She was beautiful and warm and open and vulnerable in all the best ways. She melted into every kiss and touch he offered.

Cloud followed the pathways of her skin, remembering patches of her that had been hidden beneath clothes for years. It was as if he were on a mission to retrace every single inch of her so that not one centimeter felt neglected.

He pulled her hands from his shoulders, slowly kissing the tender underside of her wrist and enjoying the gasp that escaped her lips as he did so. After his lips left each wrist, he pushed her arms over her head, running his hands up the length of them until they settled on her hands, their fingers lacing together instantly.

In a lot of ways, it was like their first time. It was slow, a little clumsy yet somehow innocent and pure. Simple. Raw.

Everything was new but with small traces of familiarity. The major difference being how present he was. He was completely absorbed in her, every little thing about her from the warmth of her thighs pressed to his sides to the curl of her pinky against his knuckle. He wasn't lost in the minefield of his own mind. He wasn't drowning in guilt. He wasn't trying to escape anything. In fact, he was trying to stay. He was trying to hold this with her forever.

He felt… _whole_. Complete. And he honestly couldn't remember the last time he felt that way.

* * *

Cloud woke to the sound of the shower running. It was late in the afternoon now and Tifa was no longer in bed with him. He couldn't keep from frowning at the empty place next to him.

No wonder she'd always complained about waking up alone. It didn't feel good.

He followed the sound of the water as if it were the song of a siren. He followed it right to Tifa and he found himself breaking all prior pre-established bathroom rules and easing into that tiny shower with her.

Normally, he'd never invade her privacy even though they were  _way_  beyond the point of needing it. Modesty was long gone but he still tried to act as if he  _hadn't_ lived with her for almost four years and hadn't seen her naked.

Tifa laughed nervously for a moment but didn't object. The rules were different today. He didn't have to be the silent gentleman right now. He'd crossed the point of no return earlier that morning and there was no backtracking since they were both still experiencing a natural high.

The water was warm but she was warmer as he pulled her to him. He kissed at her shoulder and squeezed her until she was flush against him, her long hair tickling the top of his knuckles as it cascaded down the slopes of her back.

She reached up and touched his face, pushing his damp hair back as if she were trying to see his face for the first time.

It was almost like a dance even though there was no music, just the sound of the water and perhaps Tifa's hums of contentment. And just like in her bedroom, the pace was slow. There was no urgency. It was intimate to the point that it almost smothered him but she was just in his arms and in that moment, he didn't want anything else.

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers, lost in the rhythm of the water's ballad and the subtle sway of Tifa's body against his.

If this were a dance, it was the best one he'd ever experienced even though he had technically danced with Tifa before…

_**FLASH** _

_Just like any other truly backwater town, Nibelheim had stupid festivals with stupid food, stupid music, and stupid dancing._

_Of course, Cloud rarely if ever participated in these events. That would require him to have friends and social skills._

_However, he liked for his mother to think that he had both of those things. He didn't want her to think he was a_ **total** _failure. So, he'd lurk in the background, eat a piece of pie or a fancy kabob, all the while telling himself that he'd finally dance with Tifa or at the very least talk to her. He'd inevitably fail and watch everyone else have fun until he couldn't stomach it anymore. After that, he'd wander off into the fields outside the village. Then, once it was an appropriate time to come home, he'd return to Mother and say he had a good time._

_Cloud, being a creature of habit, planned to keep to this routine._

_The sun was setting, giving the Planet that nice, peaceful glow. It was the kind of glow that would convince even the most suicidal of men that things might be okay for a few seconds._

_Cloud liked twilight. It was his favorite time of day. There was a strange magic to it. It was the one time when there was a stalemate between day and night. Everything seemed to slow down. The chaos seemed to lull, at least for a moment._

_Nibelheim was decorated with lights and lanterns and lots of fall colors. Yellow, orange, and brown wreaths with sunflowers and pinecones were on all the doors and table pieces with similar themes sat center stage on all the tables covered with food._

_He'd lived in Nibelhiem all his life but he never understood what this festival was suppose to celebrate or represent. The changing of the seasons? A solstice? The founding of Nibelhiem? He didn't even know if there was a reason. For all he knew, it could be nothing more than an excuse to celebrate and break out food, wine, and cider and once you were drunk and brave enough, dance around like a fool._

_Of course, Cloud and the other kids his age were too young to get drunk. Cloud had tasted some of the cider last year and it burned all the way down. The men laughed at his reaction and told him he'd appreciate it more once he was older but Cloud didn't know if he wanted to willingly drink fire again._

_The point was, the kids his age weren't drunk but they were all dancing as if they were, which Cloud didn't understand. The music was pitiful and barely counted as music. No one in town could really play any of the instruments they had for this thing but that didn't stop them from trying._

_Cloud sat on the steps of the item shop near a small kiosk of food the shop owner had put out for the occasion. He eyed the festivities cynically but privately wished that he could just fit in._

_A girl asked him to dance. He knew her without really knowing her. She spoke to him a few times and she was one of the few people who actually knew him by name…but he didn't dance with her._

" _Don't waste your breath on Strife," one of the boys Cloud had recently reintroduced to his fists said. "There's only one person he'll dance with."_

_Cloud fought his blush with a savage ferocity but he knew he'd failed. They were right of course but Tifa, like always, was preoccupied with other people, one boy in particular. It was obvious that he liked Tifa too. He didn't like her as much as Cloud though. No one liked her as much as Cloud did._

_As expected, Tifa was a social butterfly, floating from one group of people to the next with a grace Cloud only dreamed of having._

_She wore blue, of course. Tonight it was royal blue. The dress was a bit more mature and hugged her still-budding curves well but not too well. Briefly, he wondered if it was one of her mother's altered dresses. He knew she liked to wear her old things – at least that's what he'd overheard in her conversations with other people._

_Tifa danced for a long time, again, mostly with that one brown-haired blue-eyed boy. Normally, Cloud would be too jealous to watch but she looked so pretty tonight, seeing her movements trumped having to watch her with other boys._

_Eventually, she took her shoes off and began blowing off anyone who spoke to her, probably telling them how she was tired or wanted a break._

_She began making her way towards him and panic bubbled up into his throat._

_This was it. This was his chance. He could talk to her and then maybe even get a dance._

_Don't misunderstand. Cloud could care less about the dancing. It was the prospect of dancing with_ **her** _that appealed to him._

" _Hi, Cloud."_

_Her voice was magical. He would never get tired of hearing the way she said his name. Even if it wasn't special to her, she always said it as if it was and he was pathetic enough to believe it. She said his name differently than she said other people's names. He knew it._

_Cloud smiled and he knew it was a dopey smile. It wasn't a cool smile but he was just happy he was able to muster a reaction._

" _Hey."_

" _Are you not gonna dance? I think that girl you were talking to earlier likes you." She winked as she sat next to him, a fancy kabob in her hand._

" _I… I'm not much of a dancer."_

_Tifa chewed on the kabob, her brow furrowed as if she were deep in thought. "You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen you dance. Have you?"_

_Cloud blushed and swallowed hard._

_He couldn't believe how close she was to him. Her thigh was touching his. He was overwhelmed by the fact that they were actually sitting together that he forgot that she'd asked him a question._

" _Not really…"_

_Suddenly, Tifa was grabbing his arm and pulling him to his feet. "Then you're gonna dance with me. You can't go home unless you at least dance once."_

" _Aren't – Aren't you tired?" Cloud hesitated, looking at her nice shoes discarded on the ground by the step they'd just been sitting on._

_She smiled at him over his shoulder, her dark eyes sparkling as if they held the very stars hanging in the sky overhead._

" _A little but I think I have another dance in me if you don't mind me going barefoot."_

_She could have a hook for a hand and he still would have said yes._

_Tifa pulled him to the edge of what almost qualified as a dance floor. It was almost as if she knew he wouldn't want to be surrounded by too many people. But that was just a coincidence, he was sure. They barely knew each other…_

_The song was kind of slow but she didn't care. She just put her hands on his scrawny shoulders and waited for him to put his hands on her waist._

_Awkwardly, Cloud looked around at the couples nearby. Some were flush against each other and others were holding each other loosely. Cloud eyed those couples, trying to figure out the best place to put his hands. They needed to be far from her hips but not too high. The best place seemed to be right in the curve of her waist…_

_Her dress was soft, likely made of pure cotton and he could feel her muscles beneath the material of the dress. He could feel the slight sway of her hips as her bare feet glided along the dry ground._

" _Are you sure you've never done this before?" she inquired, her head cocking to the side. "You dance better than most of the guys here."_

" _Pretty sure…"_

_She giggled and he felt it vibrate against his hands._

_The song was much too short and she let go of him much too soon. She disappeared back into the fray of people where he could no longer reach her and he knew that by tomorrow, she would have already forgotten they'd dance together. He was just one of the many who got a dance with her. What was special and unique to him was just another two and a half minutes to her._

_Cloud vowed to find a way to stand out, to set himself apart from those other boys. He'd show them. He'd show all of them. He'd prove himself. He'd be a better man than all of them. He'd be better than Sephiroth himself!_

_**FLASH** _

Eventually, she inched onto her tiptoes, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and began kissing him. Then her back was pressed to the wall. Then he was lifting her. She wrapped her legs around him effortlessly and with so much grace one would think they'd done this daily for years.

As he pressed himself against her, he realized he might have become what some people might call insatiable…

* * *

The rest of their weekend without the kids was spent looking for Yuffie's Sneak Glove and sorting through all of their – as Cid once put it –  _shit_. In a way, it felt like they were sorting through all their baggage and finally putting all of it up where it belonged.

They reminisced about the good and the bad. Cloud tried to offer new perspective,  _his_  perspective, even when they were discussing events she'd been present for. He was trying to help her understand why he was the way that he was and why he'd done some of the things he'd done. It didn't necessarily make them better but he still wanted her to understand.

They laughed. They rolled their eyes. They frowned. They scoffed. They smiled. But there were no more tears.

Once all the boxes were taken back to the garage and stacked neatly in their designated places, Cloud grabbed her hand and gently pulled her to him.

"I'm sorry…for everything. I know I keep saying it but I honestly can't say it enough." He looked down at her hand. "I'm sorry for always coming off as negligent and insensitive…but you know better than anyone how…jumbled up I was inside, how damaged I was, how damaged I still am. That's not an excuse…and it doesn't justify what I did, but I promise, I  _never_  meant to hurt you."

"I know that. And some of it was my fault for being too much of a coward to tell you how I really felt. You didn't know and you didn't owe me anything...but you really were a jackass sometimes." She punched him in the shoulder, none too gently, he might add.

Cloud winced and rubbed the appendage she hit. "I said I was sorry."

"And I forgive you." She smirked. "Jackass," she added under her breath.

He had no retort for that. She wasn't wrong.

"You realize we're gonna have to talk to the kids." Tifa sat on top of his workbench in and motioned to the space between them. "About all  _this_ …"

"Let me know when you figure out what to say to them." He wiped a smudge off of one of Fenrir's headlights.

"You're not funny," she mused.

"You're smiling," he countered as he turned and took a few steps toward her.

Tifa rolled her eyes but her expression was soft and she was in fact smiling.

"I'll talk to them when Barret brings them back," he relented.

"Should we talk to them together or separately?"

"I'll talk to them first and see how it goes. Then we'll go from there."

Tifa smirked and folded her arms over her chest. "Good luck, Strife."


	23. Part XXIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter! I'd like to thank everyone for making this story so special and so very dear to my heart. I can't believe it's finally ending…but hopefully I portrayed these precious characters realistically and did the game justice. And even if I didn't, maybe you can still be entertained! Enjoy!

* * *

_Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all._

_Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach._

_The world you desire can be won._

_It exists. It is real. It is possible. It's yours._

_-_ _Ayn Rand_ _, Atlas Shrugged_

* * *

The kids were sitting side by side in the booth, looking at him expectantly. They probably thought they were in trouble. It looked like they were running through possible scenarios in their heads, trying to figure out what it was they had done that might get them punished.

In their defense, this situation was a bit odd. It wasn't often that he called them down for a talk like this. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he did so.

Cloud sat in the booth opposite them, rubbing at the back of his neck. He had no idea how to go about any of this so he just decided to say it.

"How would you guys feel…if Tifa and I tried to be together?"

Their innocent eyes grew huge.

"Like husband and wife  _together_?!" Marlene reeled but he caught the hint of excitement in her tone.

Cloud grimaced. "I wouldn't go  _that_ far; boyfriend and girlfriend, maybe? We aren't getting married. I'll put it like that."

"But you might?" Marlene inquired.

"Maybe. Someday. Not anytime soon though. I… I still have a lot I need to work on." He rubbed nervously at the back of his neck again and looked out the front window unable to maintain eye contact.

"But you love her?"

"…Yeah." He cast his gaze back towards the kids. "Yeah, I do."

"I knew it!" Marlene beamed, practically bouncing in her seat.

Marlene smiled but Denzel was harder to read. He didn't seem surprised or upset but he did seem…unsure? He clearly wasn't opposed to the idea but he wasn't exactly thrilled. He wasn't as pleased at the prospect as Marlene was.

"We'll try to make this…transition as easy as possible. I doubt the two of you will even notice that much of a difference." Cloud figured the biggest changes would be on his and Tifa's side. Very little would change in terms of how they cared for the kids and went about their daily activities. They'd basically lived as a couple for years…but without certain intimacies and titles.

"Are we gonna have to watch you two be all lovey-dovey all the time now?" Denzel's nose crinkled up.

"No. We wouldn't do that to you. But hopefully this will make some of our public outings and interactions a little easier. It'll still be awkward but at least we can say that we're a couple now."

 _A little closer to a_   **real** _family…_

They both looked a little uneasy and unsure. Marlene was excited but she also seemed a little hesitant. They were still trying to process and see what this actually meant for them.

"If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea how this is gonna go either," he finally said.

"What if you start fighting again…?" Marlene asked softly, sounding very mature. Cloud suddenly felt like he was talking to a cautious preteen.

"Yeah. What if it doesn't work out between you two? What'll happen then?" Denzel added, his tone a little firmer than Marlene's.

"We'll still be a family. We'll always be a family no matter what happens. I promise." He made sure to hold earnest eye contact with each of them so they'd know how sincere he was, how much he meant what he said. He was determined to keep them together one way or another. Some bonds could never be broken.

They seemed somewhat pacified; skeptical and clearly apprehensive but pacified and maybe a little curious?

"So I'm thinking about maybe getting a present for her and I was hoping you two could help me pick it out?" He decided to shift gears.

"What kind of present?" Denzel asked, incredulous.

"An _I'm-sorry-I-messed-up-but-I'm-gonna-try-to-do-better_  present?"

"Can we go out to eat too?" Marlene leaned across the table towards him.

Cloud's lips curved up. "Sure."

As soon as the word left his mouth, the kids were grinning from ear to ear with satisfaction and making their way for the door. However, Cloud knew they would only be smiling and laughing until they started arguing about where they wanted to eat.

* * *

"I thought you said you weren't getting married," Marlene declared skeptically as she eyed the huge assortment of rings in the glass case.

Cloud had several places in mind in terms of where he thought they might be able to find something for Tifa, the jewelry store downtown just happened to be the first one they went to after they ate. It was the closest but Marlene was apparently determined to make a big deal out of it.

"We aren't."

"Then why are we looking at rings…?"

"Rings don't always have to mean that you're getting married," Cloud countered, trying not to get too defensive.

"Then why get one?" Denzel challenged as he too eyed the ring display.

Damn they were on his case today. Cloud blamed Barret. They were always like this after they'd spent a significant amount of time with him.

"To say I'm sorry? To show some commitment? I don't know…" Great. Now he was second-guessing himself. "But look for a necklace chain too."

"Why?"

"In case she doesn't want to wear it on her finger…"

"Why wouldn't she want to wear it on her finger?" Marlene threw back.

Cloud sighed and ran his hand down his face. "Because…Tifa and I have a complicated past with rings."

"Did you give one to Aerith?" Marlene asked immediately and Cloud once again found himself privately cursing her acute perception.

"Yes. No. Not exactly. It was for enemy encounters but she treated it like something else and I let her do it because I'm a jackass."

Marlene gawked playfully at his profanity. "You said…!"

"I know what I said and your Papa has said  _a lot_  worse. Are you gonna help me find a ring for her or not?!" Cloud's patience was wearing thin.

Marlene giggled and hugged his arm. "I'm sorry. No more questions. We'll be good."

"Thank you," he mumbled as he attempted to bring his focus back on all the jewelry in the store.

They looked at bracelets, earrings, necklaces, and even ankle bracelets but Cloud kept gravitating back to one of the rings. And after looking a brief discussion, he learned it was the kids' favorite too.

"You don't think it's too much?" Cloud asked apprehensively as he took the small black box from the clerk. He knew nothing about things like this.

"I think it's pretty," Marlene declared. "And I'm sure Tifa will like it just because it's from you."

"Yeah. Tifa will be happy with the gesture even if she doesn't like what we picked out," Denzel added, taking the box and peeking inside.

Cloud sighed and made his way out of the store with the kids on his heels. "Thanks…I think."

* * *

The weeks that followed ring shopping were a blur. Everything began falling into place and falling in place quickly, perhaps because it all started coming so naturally.

It wasn't long before they were talking about sharing a master bedroom permanently. They agreed that Tifa's room was bigger but that Cloud's bed with nicer, so they compromised. Eventually, Cloud's bed would be moved into Tifa's room and Cloud's room became solely an office. With time, they figured that Denzel would probably want his own room and when that day came, he could have that space but thinking about that day was kind of sad so they didn't dwell on that particular detail for long.

Aside from the sleeping arrangements, very little had changed. They still had their routine and Cloud still had his deliveries but the tension and strain that had once lingered in their household as a result of their relationship's ambiguity was almost nonexistent.

Even the awkwardness that accompanied the  _'newness'_  of their relationship wasn't too bad. Still, Cloud – in true Cloud fashion – had the social grace of a two-year-old, and found things like timing particular intimacies difficult. He worried about things like: Would the kids mind if he hugged her? Should he hug her? Would she be expecting him to kiss her when he got home? Should he hold her hand? What would a normal boyfriend/father do? Would they hear what they were doing even if the door was closed? How early would he need to redress so the kids wouldn't walk in on them? Should they just lock the door? Would the kids be upset if they locked the door? Should they just wait for their weekend with Barret?  _Could_  he wait until their weekend with Barret?

The list went on and on but these were things he didn't necessarily mind worrying about, and most of those things were issues that mainly he and Tifa had to deal with. So Cloud was happy to see that (for the most part) he hadn't unintentionally lied to the kids when he said that there wouldn't be much of a difference for them.

Things were just…easier. Yes, they were still complicated and awkward at times but Cloud felt even lighter than he did after their encounter with the remnants, which was saying something.

Despite all the good things happening and the newfound effortlessness to their relationship, Cloud still hadn't given Tifa her  _'I'm-sorry-I-messed-up-but-I'm-gonna-try-to-do-better'_ present and he wasn't really sure why. He kept it hidden in one of Fenrir's many compartments where it was unlikely Tifa would accidentally stumble upon it.

Maybe a part of him was scared of how she'd take it. Maybe she wouldn't like it. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe it was too serious. Maybe he still wasn't entirely sure of what he wanted it to  _really_ mean. There were at least a million ways that it could go wrong. So, Cloud being Cloud, decided to be inactive, to sit on it until he felt the time was right.

He had lots of ideas for how he might go about it. He even discussed a few of them with the kids. Once Marlene even drew out an illustration complete with a diagram, but none of the ideas they talked about felt right. They were either too over the top or they didn't feel like him. Then the problem became – what  _did_  feel like him? He wasn't really one for grand gestures…

With the kids' help, he'd decided simpler was better. So, dinner and a night out were the result. Luckily, Yuffie was free and agreed to babysit without asking too many questions but he figured the kids would tell her everything as soon as they got the chance.

He'd taken the gift with him in his pocket in case he felt spontaneous but that spontaneity never came. They went to eat at a small café. He even bought a fancy desert that they shared but it didn't coax his hand into his pocket.

Eager for some inspiration or maybe even some courage, he decided to go to the still-under-construction park. Maybe here he would get the urge to pull that box out of his pocket.

They walked around for a while since neither of them had really gone here before. It was nicer than the old park in Midgar but still wasn't that nice. Still, he supposed it was better than nothing.

It had all the basic elements one would expect of a park: monuments, swings, a jungle gym, a small path, a slide, and even a few street lamps. However, because it was still under construction, concrete slabs, trucks, and chunks of wood were scattered throughout as well.

After exploring all the almost-park had to offer, they settled on a bench by what almost qualified as a fountain. It was already filled with gil where people had blindly thrown their wishes into the water. In fact, in the short time they'd been sitting there, he'd seen several people come up and do so.

"A few years ago, people wouldn't have bothered wishing for anything," Tifa mused as she put her hands on her knees and leaned forward on the bench. It was as if she'd read his mind.

"Yeah. It's nice to see people hopeful again," he agreed.

"Mm." She nodded and cast her gaze toward the sky. "I always liked wishing on falling stars more though; probably because we didn't have fountains in Nibelhiem."

Cloud couldn't keep himself from leaning back and looking up at the stars overhead. He couldn't remember the last time he'd bothered to look at them,  _really_ look at them. God, he really was like a child. Sometimes it still felt like he was a babe experiencing things for the first time.

Sure, he could probably dive into his brain and unearth some long forgotten memory where he enjoyed the stars but he wanted to be…present. He didn't want to waste any more time being haunted by the past in any way, shape or form. He no longer saw the point in dwelling on it. There was no longer a need or purpose to rehashing the past and talking to ghosts. The light of the present was no longer too bright and he no longer flinched at its aura nor did he simply tolerate it. He almost basked in it and he didn't need ghosts or the past as a crutch.

As he continued to contemplate this, the stars seemed a little brighter, especially considering that they were near the city. Stars usually couldn't be seen this far out. But he wouldn't really know. This was coming from a man who barely noticed anything like this, a man who rarely took the time to notice because he hadn't cared. He was too busy torturing himself and drowning in the guilt and pain of the past.

"Anything you want to wish for?" he simpered.

Tifa grinned. "Nah. I'm pretty content."

"Yeah. Me too."

Cloud wasn't one for public displays of affection but when Tifa laced their fingers on that bench, he couldn't bring himself to let go and allowed her to squeeze his hand all the way back to the spot where they left Fenrir.

* * *

On the ride back to Seventh Heaven, Tifa rested her head between his shoulder blades, using his build to shield herself from the wind. She wrapped her arms around his waist and he prayed that she wouldn't feel the box bulging in his pocket.

Cloud decided to take the long way home, once again hoping that he would get some inspiration but as expected, they were back home before he'd made any mental or emotional progress.

As he dismounted Fenrir, he knew that Yuffie and the kids would never let him live it down if he crossed the threshold with that box still sleeping in his pocket. In fact, they were probably watching intently from one of the windows but he tried not to think about whether or not they were or weren't spying on them.

Tifa turned on Fenrir, preparing to get off as well but Cloud managed to stop her before she stood.

"Wait…" He blocked her way with his body, clumsily digging around in his pocket as he did so.

Seeing that Cloud wasn't going to let her by and that he was looking for something in his pocket, she obliged, getting comfortable sitting horizontally across Fenrir's seat. Clearly intrigued, she watched him expectantly with a hint of a smile on her lips.

He was too nervous to smile back. There was a lump in his throat the size of a chocobo.

"Here." He put the box in her hand.

"What's this?" she asked curiously and a bit skeptically but her pitch suggested that she was kind of excited too.

"Just…open it." Cloud began pacing. He couldn't watch at first but when he heard the little screw on the back of the box creak open, he couldn't keep himself from looking back at her.

Tifa blinked a few times as if she were trying to ensure what she was seeing was real. Seconds later, she was pulling out the chain and the ring attached to it.

"Cloud…" Tifa sounded almost breathless, clearly concerned, confused, and dumbfounded. "What—"

Cloud got as close to her as possible without literally crawling into her lap or sitting astride her hips. He didn't kneel but got down on both of his knees next to her and Fenrir as if he were preparing to beg because he probably would be begging before this was over with.

"Just…let me get this out before I can't…"

Tifa looked at him cynically, her dark brow furrowed and bemused, her smile long gone.

"I'm gonna be honest and say that I have  _no_  idea what I'm doing." He sighed and took both of her hands in his and stared at her knuckles as his thumbs slowly flowed back and forth over each one. "And I don't know how to do this or how this kind of thing is even  _supposed_  to work but…"

He paused and looked at the ring she held in her hand, its chain coiling around it in her palm like a snake. He'd wanted it… _versatile_  in the event that she didn't want an engagement ring but still similar to an engagement ring so she'd know he was suggesting they were in this for the long haul.

There was no gaudy diamond in the center. It was made of black stainless steal and titanium like the wolf ring she already wore on her right hand. In its center, however, was a small diamond that was almost the same size as the alternating pearl-like stones and tiny black gems sleeping on each side of it. The way the stones were imbedded in the ring, it almost made it seem more like a band than a ring. It was unique and beautiful but subtle, like Tifa. That was what had drawn them to it.

Her eyes were suddenly big as saucers but she never uttered a word.

"But I… I do know that I love you and…I want to be with you…" He chuckled dryly. "In a way, I guess I always have."

"Cloud…" she murmured again.

"It doesn't have to be an engagement ring. Even though I guess it technically could be…but we've talked about how we feel about marriage before…and it's also kind of soon even if that weren't the case…so…it's mainly a promise ring? I guess. I don't know. I don't know how promise rings work… All I know is that I want it to mean something. I want it to mean someday. I'm promising… _someday_ …"

_For the love of all that is Holy, I wish I could stop rambling… I usually can't get anything out and now I can't shut up!_

"It's my way of saying that you're mine and that's exactly what I want you to be…for as long as you'll have me. Preferably as long as both shall live or…however that goes." He smiled, attempting to be charming and judging by the curve in her lips and the flush on her cheek and neck, he'd succeeded.

Cloud secured the ring and necklace within her palm before coaxing her hand closed around it. "Wear it however you want. I bought the chain with it so you could wear it around your neck if you want…or you don't have to wear it at all… If you want to wait, you can put it away until you're comfortable with the idea of –"

"No. No, I want to wear it." She protectively held the ring to her chest as if he were seconds away from taking it all back.

He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and smiled up at her.

"I love it," she whispered, her voice wistful. "Thank you."

"You're welcome…"

They remained immobile in silence for a while as she eyed every detail of the ring and matching chain. She looked contemplative but also happy.

"Will you put it on for me?" she asked, holding the ring back out to him.

Shakily, he took the ring from her and looked at her and her hands expectantly. He didn't want to make any assumptions about where she may or may not want this thing…

When he continued to look at her questioningly, she stood and pulled her hair over her shoulder so he could secure it at the back of her neck.

Relieved, Cloud got to his feet and took the ends of the necklace from her.

There was something extremely satisfying about putting that ring around her neck.

Slowly, she turned back around to face him, squeezing the ring that now hung from her neck. It suited her. It was kind of like it belonged there.

"Someday, whenever we're ready, we can move it to your ring finger."

"You mean…when we want to get married?" she breathed, her brow furrowed and her eyes suddenly distant.

He nodded. "Someday… If that's what you want…"

"Think we'll ever get there? To, you know – someday?"

It was still kind of hard to grasp. They'd been denied so much for so long and so much had gone wrong… They'd hurt so many people, damaged so many lives. There was so much wrong with the Planet that it felt trivial and wrong to even humor the idea of marriage. But Tifa and the kids had a way of filling him with a hope to wish for otherwise impossible things and he knew they did the same thing to her.

"Yeah, one way or another. It probably won't be the traditional route though. We've never really done things the normal way." He suppressed a scoff.

She snickered. "Normal is overrated."

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close so he could rest his forehead against hers.

"Normal is overrated," he agreed softly.

Tifa giggled a little before pressing her lips to his, giving him a sweet, chaste, yet somehow intense kiss.

"I love you, Cloud," she whispered as their lips parted and he knew without a doubt no sweeter words had ever been spoken.

"I love you too."

Over the years, Cloud had learned there were many different kinds of love stories. Some were happier than others, some were sappier than others, and some were sadder than others, but the happier ones weren't any better than the sad ones. A love story was a love story, regardless of content. One wasn't necessarily better than another just because it was simple and shiny. Love was love and happiness and gloss didn't make one love better than another or any less real.

Cloud loved Tifa and the road to that realization had been hard. He'd tortured himself and her. They'd suffered but they had persevered. They had always had each other. Their story wasn't necessarily happy but it was real. He'd had a crush on her for years. He'd joined SOLDIER for her. He'd promised to come for her if she were ever in trouble. He'd gone running into danger for her more times than he could remember and she'd done the same thing for him. She'd helped him through Mako poisoning, through Mideel, through the Lifestream, she'd helped him find himself time and time again and he'd tried to do the same for her after Meteorfall when their sins threatened to consume them. All of that was real,  _very_  real. It was dark and unpleasant but it was  _them._  It was who they were. It was a testament to who they were together.

It wasn't pretty but it was theirs and it was every bit as real as the happier stories and more real than the fake ones in books and plays. He loved her as much as someone could love another person even if he didn't love in a traditional way. And that was finally,  _finally_ enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! We made it, guys! And while this is the end, it isn't REALLY the end. I have another somewhat follow-up/sequel planned that will hopefully be able to answer any lingering questions. A lot of you have asked for different points of view and in the next installment, I plan on providing that for you!
> 
> With stories like this, it is kind of hard to give the ultimate happy ending while still staying true to canon events and characterizations. To me, it would feel like betraying the game/source material but hopefully, you guys are happy with it or at least accepting of the way this story came to a close. And if not, that's okay too! Hopefully you'll still be keeping an eye out for the follow up! Which, by the way, I have no idea when I'll finally post it… But I do know that it will be set several years after Dirge of Cerberus and the last chapter of this story. That's all you're getting out of me!
> 
> Thank you all SO MUCH for going on this journey with me! I can't put into words how much all of you mean to me. You guys are the best! Leave one last comment on your way out! Goodbye for now!
> 
> \- M


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